I wish I did not have man boobs, but wouldn’t I be missing the planning, hard work, stress, depression, happiness mixture!

I wish I was not obese to start with… but I wouldn’t not know what rock bottom was and disdain in the eyes of friends, family and strangers!

I wish for so much… but yet, at the end of the day, I appreciate my struggles, they may weight me down at times, but I grow stronger!

I might be depressed, but I learned how to go thru the darkness!

I wish, I wish, and I wish… but nothing can beat hard work, sweat and tears!

Along the way, you meet brothers and sisters that have given up and accept their current situation as their faith, you will find others that keep on hoping for that magical solution, some are still trying…. And far ahead of you, you see those that have succeed and telling you that you can do it!

This is the journey that I travel every day and with millions of other members of the FAT NATION! We strive to reach that goal, we cry ourselves to sleep at night, stepping out of the door we feel that the world is looking at us. We get used to the looks, the disgusting smiles, the little jokes… they eat away at our self esteem and yet push us to want to change!

The journey is not easy, the temptations are at every corner… yet some of us keep pushing. Will we reach the promise land someday? Or will this be another attempt that leads to failure?

Until then we try to ignore the nasty comments, the dirty looks, go home and cry ourselves to sleep…. And dream of a better future where we are no longer an outcast!

First I will be honest… WHAT THE **** IS PORTION CONTROL?  Because here I am writing about portion control when seriously I don’t have a clue what exactly what it is suppose to mean… But I will take a lucky guess, might be wrong, so feel free to correct me: It is eating enough to survive but not enough to be considered a pig! Am I close?

My mother in law love this french saying that goes : Il faut manger pour vivre, pas vivre pour manger. It was in a famous play and translate into English it state : You have to eat to live, not live to eat. And until last year I can honestly tell you I was doing the exact opposite, I was living to eat, not eat to live!

I believe I am not the only one that did this or still doing this… if I am, **** that is sad! Till one year ago when I hit my high of 335 lbs, and saw my wedding  and honeymoon pictures, I was eating till I felt my stomach is full… You know that point where you know if you were stupid enough to put just another bite in your mouth you are going to live to regret it. Or basically, you feel that you are fool: either by being sick, sleepy, etc.

That was my trigger to know I have eaten enough, but then I realize, maybe I am going at this the wrong way! I am sure by now you realize that I am not going at this like a scientific and using bunch of crazy words to say something right?

Good because this is from the point of view of ME, you know the FAT GUY, and what I thought was a great way to control MY PLATE and so far it freaking works! Might not work for you, so remember to find you own thing… I am only a fat ass talking!

Now back on the subject… oh yeah, me eating till I had to puke was my trigger to know that it was enough! Ok, I heard of chewing slowly, never tried it. To me, seating down and eating for an hour gets on my nerves. I am usually the first one done eating, but hey give it a try, might work for you. Drink water, tried that in the past… I just end up puking more water then food! Calorie counting… great stuff and I swear by it, but since I can’t be walking around with a scale all the time, it was kinda getting in the way! Sorry but those websites have no idea what Haitian food usually contains as calorie:rolleyes:

Now what works for me: I just freaking dealt with it. Meaning, I started slowly but surely cutting bike. I did not like it at first, heck I hated it… but you know what, I also started to need less and less food to feel me up! Also snacking work great! Hey before you go and be eating candy like they are going out of style for snack and say I told you so… I mean HEALTHY SNACK!

You know, apple, banana, tomatoes, carrot sticks… yes, those things that your mama had to force you to it! Now you got to force yourself to eat it!  You might hate it, I know you will, but believe me, it does your body some good! I am not sure it does, but alot of doctors say it does and I am sure their MD is better reference then my fat ass!

So yeah, portion control is quite simple, I don’t get the big issue! You just eat less then what you usually eat and try not to eat like food is running out (even if the media wants you to believe that).

So again here are a few things:
-> Drinking plenty of water (I drink water but not to make me less hungry, but hey might work for you) because they say that sometimes you are just thirsty not hungry! I disagree with that one because I know when I am hungry and when I am thirsty…and there is no way in hell I can confuse them!

-> Take a first plate smaller then usual instead of adding enough food to feed a family of 5. That is for people going to eat at those all you can eat buffet’s. You know you can always go back right, no need to fill up your first plate so much that 2 people need to carry it!

-> People talk about making 1/3 of the plate salad, 1/3 protein, 1/3 carb or something like that. I say eat the boring stuff first, boring meaning salad, veggies, etc… you know the stuff that us FAT NATION tend to stay away from. Fill you stomach up with that first, then go back for the good stuff, you know the greasy fatty heart attack worthy stuff, later on, most likely to eat less of it and not as tempted to eat to much.

-> Calorie counting, good stuff if you have the patience and time for it. And use a scale, not the measurements cups!

-> And remember… unless you are at a house/party where there is only enough food for 5 when there is 15 of us there, there is no reason to be eating like the food is about to run out.

P.S: FAT guy personal opinion expressed! You got issue with it, I got issue with my ass… so beat it!

Oh mom, dad, uncles and aunties…. I love you all so much but you have to take some blame in this. Sorry, but I am fat enough that I can share the blame, enough lbs in me to go around. So, instead of naming names, I will make this a general "you had a hand in this" award to every person in my family that every utter those words to me. And also, for every other person that was victim of that in the FAT NATION.

A little background, I was born in Haiti which is a third world country some of you may have heard of. So let’s say a great amount of the population is living below poverty level. I have met a few of those in that general population, and while I never had to go without food a day in my life, I felt their pain.

Now imagine that and your parents or family not understanding proper "portion" for a child, keep on telling you that you need to clean up your plate because allot of people in the country are going without. Wasting food was like a sin in my house growing, just unacceptable. In a way I understood, we were grateful that our parents/families were blessed to be able to afford a certain lifestyle for us, because we knew of family members that would go days without eating, so wasting food…. NO!

And I realize some of my FAT NATION brothers and sisters have gone thru the same thing growing up. They may have not lived in Haiti, but Africa, China or other third world country was used as a reference as to why you should not waste food. And after you hear that over and over, clean up your plate, clean up your plate, it sticks with you.

You don’t believe me? I am a grown ass man, that is married and pay my own freaking bills, so I can waste food like I want! WRONG. Till this day I cannot throw away food, seriously. My plate is always clean, even if I have to force myself to eat the last few bites to the point I felt sick!

If I am the one putting food in my plate, I usually put less then what I think I will need then if I am still hungry I will add some more. Or even better when I am counting calories, so I do not go overboard. This issue usually arrive when I go to someone else house or party and they fix me a plate, or my wife decide that my ass is running late and she needs to clean up "her" kitchen, so she fix me a plate so she can clean up…. Then I end up with a plate that is too much, and I cannot get ride of it.

Might sound like an excuse, so be it.  But for me, it is my reality. I am mentally incapable of throwing out food. My wife will even go, you don’t have to eat, I will put it away or throw it out. I won’t let her. My wife hate eating sleep over food (reason why she cooks every day) or maybe not hate but get sick from it. So she used to throw out food often before we moved in together.

She admitted that only happened once since  we have been living together and that because my black ass was not home. I will eat every left over in the fridge before I cook up new food because I am not throwing away good food.  But the funny thing is, I am only like this with food. Every thing else, I throw away as soon as I don’t need it anymore. This is why my wife have three times the amount of things I have, I am not a pack rat or sentimental about "things".

So how can I get over this block? My brothers and sisters, I don’t know how you did it, but for me… it was portion control. And that will be the next subject….

And note if you have kids, be careful about the "Cleaning up your plate" statement, or they might end up like me… full after eating 1/4 of the plate and forcing themselves to finish the remaining 3/4 at freaking 24!

First I have to say this, and some other fat people might not agree or still be in denial : but unless you have some serious medical issues (like a ****ed up thyroid system)  or on some crazy medication (My cousin gained 60 on a medication, took 8 months to lose it) you did not get fat by not eating anything.

Sorry my sisters and brothers of the FAT NATION, we need to stop lying to ourselves. Took me about 2 years to admit it and since then it is has been a struggle to find the right balance. I still meet people that say: I don’t eat that much… Yeah, let me guess: you skipped breakfast? and for lunch you grabbed something at the fast food joint? And of course you have been so busy all day that you are not eating dinner till like 8-9 PM? And of course it is a nice portion to make up for the lack of food throughout the day?

Look I get it… and even till this day I find myself skipping meals and when I finally get to eat, I just go crazy! Yesterday was a prime example: I had breakfast at 7 AM before leaving for work, eggs and toast.  At about 10:45 I had a protein bar, and that is when hell broke loose. I was running up and down all day and by the time 5:00 PM came around, I was hungry!

Honestly, I could have eaten a cow! And I told my wife: Honey, I am way too hungry to wait for you to cook dinner, I am picking up something on my way home (My wife was leaving work at 5:30)…so picked up cheese pizza (wife is vegetarian) and dozen hot wings!  And I got myself a party!

Also, another thing about when you are hungry…. you eat quick! So only know you are past the point full when that pizza and chicken wings are gone and you feel that you are about to get ride of that food the same way it came in! I always fall for that every time and my wife complains about it each time. Sorry, but when I am hungry, chewing is the last of my worries, getting that food in is primary! So before I knew it, my wife came over and said, you know you just eat close to 1680 calories in one sitting… I may have not notice but my stomach definitely did, just a bit too late.

Anyway back to the story: We do overeat, we just don’t pay attention to how much we eat! That is when food journal, diaries come into question. Seriously, pay attention to how much you eat and before you know it, you will be so conscious of it that you will slowly but surely start cutting back, eliminating a few things.

But please unless you have some serious medical issues or on some serious medication, the : I don’t eat that much line does not work. And the people you are saying it too might be polite and nod, smile, be sympathetic, but in the back of their mind they are thinking: Yeah right, who are you fooling

For today, I will start with: We are not oblivious, we know that we are FAT!

In my life, it seems like everyone wants to remind us how fat we are. I mean from your parents, family members, friends, etc.

I understand for a few it is out of concern, they are worried about you… but honestly, after 2-3 times, we get it.

Let’s go over this again : We know that we are fat!

But here is the thing, you nagging or reminding us about how fat we are is not going to change that. It is our decision, and only ours to lose weight.

The day that I decided to start losing weight, it was about ME. I did it for me  and only me. Not for my mother, my siblings, my friends, or my wife. It was about me.

So again let’s repeat: We know that we are fat, it is not that hard to miss.

Next time you see a fat person, friend, family, stranger, etc: Just smile and be cordial like you would be to anyone else. I am sure they already heard how big they already are.

And like I said, one final time: We know that  we are fat!

Bitter…my side of the walk in closet is close to empty, so need to purchase some more clothes, which means money out of my pocket. Yes, I don’t like to spend money.

Sweet… 3/4 of my clothes are now way to big for me to wear. I went from 3 XL shirts to XL shirts, 48, 50, 52 pants to 38-42 pants depending on the brand.

I may not see progress but having to replace 3/4 of my closet is proof I guess. Also, my wife can now hug me, I mean put her arms around me. It has been awhile since my wife could do that.

YEAH baby….65 lbs down, about 90-100 lbs to go

But know that life has given me lemon, by the dozen and really sour at that, how do I make some lemonade? I would like to know because seriously…I need to know!

You know when things are so bad, and you think, it cannot get worse and it actually does…what do you do?
Makes some lemonade? What if you don’t know how?

Ok people, let’s get this straight once in for all: If being optimistic works for you, so be it. But guess what, I am not the optimistic type. I am more about keeping it real and yeah sometimes it may sound like I am all gloomy doomy, but I am always prepare for the worst and hoping that maybe maybe the best will come.

Look what I wrote, I see no changes from 286 lbs to 273 lbs. If you choose to read it as me saying that I see no changes from 335 lbs t0 273 lbs, then that is on you, not me. I am a big guy, I know it, you know it, the world knows it.

Of course that 13 lbs lost is not going to show on me, as if I went from 173 to 160, but damn it, if I am not allowed to RANT about it in my own thread why the **** to I have my own thread for.

Sorry, but this process is draining, frustrating, demoralizing, and sometimes shakes you to the core. You feel disgusted that you have let yourself go to that point, feel like shit and ready to quit.

Yet sometimes, you feel good about yourself, feel confident, happy that damn it you can get in that gym and get the job done, reach a new PR, fit better in your clothes, can go up against the stairs without passing out.

So if can/is both and yes when I am up and happy I report it, and damn it when I am going thru a ****ing down time, I report it. I am sorry that this does not work for you guys that are of the notion:Think happy thoughts.

I was never the happy thought type of guy, I say it like it is and how I feel. This is a journey, one day I will be okay, another I will be bitchy and moaning. It is a process….and I started a thread/journal to keep track of that process.

I feel this is where besides my blog I can unleash the good, bad, ugly, upsetting and downright shitty things. You may not agree with it, you may have better options and advice to offer and I am all ears.

But no one, will tell you that they went on their journey of losing fat and was all happy and dandy about it. And everyday they felt great and looking forward to the next. If is not true. Some days I feel like a rockstar, and some days I feel like shit.

So no, I don’t have issues seeing what my body looks like. Yes, I have lost 60 lbs so far, and yes it is obvious that my clothes are bigger, or fit better. I have more stamina, and no longer have sleep apnea.

But you have to see the other side of it because it is hard wrenching and difficult to accept that even after losing 60 lbs, I have another 100 to lose. And this is why I ask the ones that have lose that amount of weight, how did they keep on going, move forward and not look back.

Because if makes you see things at it is and how bad you have let the situation get before taking action. And how far you have to go before being content and happy with your accomplishments.

It is easy to say "take it a day at a time", " 1 lb at a time". " Day by day" and all those other inspirational things, but this is a reality that every obese person or overweight have to deal with.

It shakes your faith in yourself, your capabilities, your self esteem. Yes I have lost 60 lbs, but by GOD, even after 60 lbs, I am still considered morbidly obese. How far did I let myself go? How far to I have to go? Can I even respect myself?

We deal with those, and some of us keep it bottled inside…but if I can;t come here and express my fears, my doubts, my negativity the same way I can express my job, accomplishments, and positivity, then there is no purpose for this thread.

This is my journey and it comes with both, and no my head is not up my ass, it is well adjusted on top of my shoulders.  It is easy to say " be positive", "you can do this" "move forward" but until you are dealing with the demons that I am dealing with, those are just words.

I may be negative to you, but have you ask how does that push me?

-> Seeing that I have no  definitions in my legs does not make me want to give up! No, instead it makes me want to get in there and kick ass even more, and on legs day it helps me push myself.

-> My man boobs, yes I hate them with a passion. But guess what, I have been asking everyone any advice about it. And yes, lose more weight. But also, I want to know different things I can do to help it alone and have receive great advice. My form is better on my presses and doing great. Even started doing push ups.

Different emotions work differently for everyone. Some people are motivated by positive thoughts, some like me are motivated by negative one or the outcome of something bad.

So hating some things about me does not make me want to give up, it makes me want to do everything in my power to change it. Before analyzing be and putting me neatly in that little box with a tittle and description on it, first get to know me.

The truth…I am at 271-273, depending on the day. Why do I lie? Because after 6 years, I know better. Every time I go thru the process, my loves ones get excited for me, encourage me, try to push me, you name it, they do it…only for me to let them down again and worse, gain back the weight I lost and more.

I feel this time, if I were to give up again or gain the weight back, what they don’t know, can’t hurt. And also, guess I don’t want to look like a failure again. I already feel like a failure…guess don’t want to make it worse.

I know it is bad to lie, but for me I guess I justify it. Yes they think I lost weight, but you can easily tell someone is not true:
-> It is because you have not see me in a while.
-> I shaved
-> huho, those pants are just so big they make me look slim.
-> yes, I am like 300 something…have not weight myself in a while.

I can’t bare the idea of letting them or myself down again…I have done it too many times before!