cawiau’s BodyBlog

My wife had surgery and I have been playing Mr. Nurse since she has been back home! Since now she is feeling better to be able to stay home along for a couple of hours, I am going to hit the gym again today!

The gym close on the 25th, so have 6 days to kick ass before a forced day off! Thank another week till new years! Currently back to 292.4 lbs, gained three lbs from playing Mr. Nurse!

Goal is to lose about 6-7 lbs till new year..so if the 3 lbs gained is mostly water weight from bad diet, I should be able to lose it in no time! Now add to that another 6-7 lbs, I should be able to be under 280 lbs before I know it!

Basically, I want to be at 279 lbs at least by New Years!
Let’s go kick ass!

I love my wife! I love her dearly and I don’t think I could live without her! Yet I have to admit, she can  either help me succeed or contribute to my downfall!

I have to give her brownie points though! She has made the effort of coming to the gym with me and working out! She is a good workout partner, does not complain, does everything I tell her to do! And for that I am gratefull!

But for everyone that has ever lift or knows bodybuilding, you know that lifting and cardio is only a small part of it! The diet is the biggest issue in our house…She has no problem with me eating my current meals, but she wants to eat her own thing! But than complains on how she is not losing weight and actually gaining!

I already started a post on how I feel guilty at times for losing weight and sometimes lie to her about my actual weight! It likes I don’t want to hurt her by showing my success in her face where she is failling! I try to support her as much as I can but I can only do so much!

Being around my wife has been like a test 24/7…and while it has made me stronger it also could have and still could contribute to my downfall! And it comes down to diet!

–> The other day she baked a pie! In the middle of the night I got up and threw it out!  She was pissed but got over it!
–> Another day I was eating a mixed salad with chicken breast, she cooked spaghetti and meatballs! UUgggghh!!!
–> She loves to bake: cookies, pies, cake, etc. You name it, she can bake it. Hard to live around that!

I am trying hard to keep at this, but my wife cooking is making it harder! But yet, it makes me stronger…easier to resit the temptations when you go out since you have been resisting them all the time at home! Yet I want to help her so bad but she refuses to see that her diet would need to change…but tired of talking! Just hope she will realise it before it is too late!

But anyway I realise :  Your biggest supporter can without knowing it be the one that is dragging you down! Just got to keep at it!

Is it normal to feel guilty for losing weight?

The current situation is that while I am losing weight, the wife is actually gaining! I know that she is happy for me but that does not keep me from feeling guilty that I am seeing progress while she is not!

And sometimes it feels like she resent/envy me for my progress! This morning I got on the scale and went up 3 lbs and was actually happy about it! I just did not feel like telling her I lost weight again while she was sitting outside all side about gaining weight!

I need to learn how to deal with this because I will end up sabotaging my own progress!

I survived a whole weekend with the family and managed to stay out of the 300’s!!! I am so proud of myself! Now need to survive the remaining of the year and hit that cardio hard!

I believe I am finally on the right track on my fat loss process…but here comes the holidays. Yep, those joyous days where you, your family and friends get together…celebrate, eat, talk, eat, drink, eat, exchange stories and eat! Basically it is all about the food and the amount you can take down!

For someone like me that is just starting to get this healthy lifestyle down, this is like a death trap! Am I strong enough to resist the temptations and not go overboard? Will I make healthy chpices with my brain or listen to my stomach and just go wild on the food display!

I need some advice and I need them now…:)

I believe I am finally on the right track on my fat loss process…but here comes the holidays. Yep, those joyous days where you, your family and friends get together…celebrate, eat, talk, eat, drink, eat, exchange stories and eat! Basically it is all about the food and the amount you can take down!

For someone like me that is just starting to get this healthy lifestyle down, this is like a death trap! Am I strong enough to resist the temptations and not go overboard? Will I make healthy chpices with my brain or listen to my stomach and just go wild on the food display!

I need some advice and I need them now…:)

I just don’t get it…what is the BIG issue!

The wife and I had a fight on Saturday because I accidentally let slipt her weight to her cousin.  Her cousin looked like she lost weight and when asked said that yes, she has lost about 25 lbs and wants to lose another 25. Also she informed us the reason she was doing so was because her doctor told her she was borderline diabetic.

So the whole convo was about her issues with losing weight and what her heaviest was. And I was giving her some tips as to diet, weight loss, cardio and weight lifting!  But the whole time the cousin never told us how much she weighted and I did not care.

At a point I told her about a certain exercises she could do : squats, deadlift, leg press, etc. that are great and she answered that did not want to look like a man. I told her that is was  genetically impossible for a woman to be built/bulk like man and the woman that do when lifting weight takes steroids full of testoterone which gives the male facial expression and physique.

And here comes to hoops : I added that my wife has been going to the gym with me for the past 3 months  and do everything I do. Just different weight. While I squat 335 she squat 80-90. I  bench about 225, she does about 55-60.  Just some examples. And as she can see my wife still looks like a woman and have maintained her weight of…..

My wife looked at me like I was crazy! In the car she told me that she does not need the world to know her business, and did I not realise that not at once her cousin told us her weight! And went on and on about how it was her secret and just because she chose to share if with me, that did not give me the liberty to share if with the world.

I mean it was like I told the world her deepest scariest secret! I just did not get it. I have no problem telling people my weight when they ask and I am a member of fitness web site where my weight is kinda out there for people to see. I just did not get it.

So ladies or men, why is it not acceptable to ask or tell a woman weight? I told that was only an issue about age!

Seriously, I need to know how to do that! How to forget about the future or past and just concentrate on that day, that moment?

 My motivation and will to keep on going is low while my frustration and doubt is rising at an alarming rate. I go to the gym and when I step inside that place I gave it my all…hammering those weights, pushing myself…yet, the results are null besides aches and pain.

 I eat so clean now that I do not recognize myself… Yes, it is not a bodybuilder diet yet but it is a 180 degrees from what I used to eat before. I do not pig out, I avoid alchohol and fast food joints, I eat at least 1 hour before bed…yet my weight actually went up instead of down!
I have lost about 31 lbs so far, but now it seems I have come to a stop…or plateau as some calls it. I really need to brake free because I feel that I am on the verge or going back to my old ways! I am holding on, trying to motivate myself to do the extra, keep moving forward, yet when I look in the mirror it all goes away, the scale just crashes all my dreams and hope!

 There is this rage in me..rage that change is not coming, rage that I am going to fail at this once more, rage that all the odds are against me and it is this rage that is keeping me from going back to my old ways! It is this rage that makes me go to the gym, lift those weights and do the cardio! I need to keep this rage alive because it is all I got now, and it is all that is keeping me going. Helping me take it one day at a time.

 - I have this rage because I let it get so out of hand.

- I have this rage because I feel my life is no longer mine.

- I have this rage because it seems no matter what I do, I am always back at the same place.

- I have this rage because I want this and it is not easy on me.

- I have this rage that is keeping me from eating like a pig and training like a maniac!

Oh sweet rage…driving me to succeed because I refuse to be a failure once again. Sweet rage, making me feel that I can take on the world because I refuse to be the fat man in the room for much longer! Oh sweet rage, you gave me pride, energy and that crazy look….as long as I have you, this war will not be over!

First off, I am trying to stay away from my scale but darn it’s hard! I just can’t help myself! I think I am a bit obsess with the scale and that is not good for what I am doing!

 Still fighting the good fight and eating clean! The thing is I am not a weight loss diet so not losing the weight as quick as possible! I don’t want to lose the weight and just that, lose the weight and I end up hating the way I look. I want to be happy with the end results, nice mass, cut and built!  Might take me awhile since I am not just losing weight, I want to lose fat!  But I will definitely keep on trying till I get it right!

 As for the challenge, still at it! I am up to 24 miles as of today and want to be at 40 by the end of the week! I will finish this challenge, even if it kills me!

God is by my side and I shall keep on moving forward!

I got new shoes yesterday (my old ones were no good) and I decided to put to motivate myself to actually use them, I needed a challenge! And here comes the 250 Miles Challenge…My goal is to put 250 Miles on my new shoes by New Year Eves. I have started other challenges in the past and gave up …but this one I intend to complete.

I started today!