cawiau’s BodyBlog

And then get back with my daily life. For some reason last week was the day and I just had to bitch slap myself mentally since I had no body to do it for me physically!

I have been in this rut, feeling all depressed and shitty. Basically saying screw you to the diet and everything, when I realized that 5 months into this since beginning of 2009, I only lost a grand total of 0 lbs! But after my bitch slap, I am down 5 lbs, so you see bitch slap are affective!

I am not getting into the details of me being depressed and all, but to sum it all up: I felt like a failure. I felt it took me like forever to lose the first 50 lbs and to think that I have to lose another 100…and thinking of the battle and sacrifices coming up did not make it easy. Also other events helped along, feeling like a fat ass, etc.

Anyway, a good Bitch Slap is looking at yourself and being disgusted with what you see enough to seriously want to take it Pimp Style and Bitch Slap yourself if you could physically do it. Not disgusted and resolved to live like this for the rest of your life, but disgusted and wanting to get off your ass and do something about it!

Disgusted enough to hate what you have become with such a passion that you are ready to move mountains to make it happen and reach that goal that you have set for yourself. Disgusted enough that you say : Damn it, enough is enough, I may not look like I want too today but by GOD I will someday and the only thing that will get in my way is GOD himself.

And People, I had a serious come to Jesus moment… I have been going at this long enough, the self pity parties are so ineffective that taking the time in your day to go thru the motion is a serious waist of personal time, not to mention the person that is helping you throw that pity party to begin with.

So, the bitch slap was quite effective and next time I need one, I am going to look around for a Serious Pimp and pay him to BITCH slap me for good this time. I am tired of this old dance: one step forward, two steps back…and when you look back, you are way behind then where you actually started. My case, went on my first diet at 17-18, went from 255 to 225….a couple of years later, I was at 335! Yes, effective diet wasn’t it, I went one step forward to 225 and before I knew it, I was two steps back at 335.

The Dance of the short term goals, why? Because once you achieve that goal you get lazy and seat on your ass, and little by little, you add the weight that you have been killing yourself to lose in half if not less time it took you to lose it. Yes, only a few minutes to destroy a house (explosive) that it may have taken years to built!

Who else need a bitch slap? If you are too chicken for the real thing (like me), a good mental bitch slap is as effective!

Ok, seriously this is turning into an addiction…seriously, I am addicted to the scale, how stupid is that? But it is so true!

I weight myself when I just wake up, after using the bathroom, after taking a shower, after lunch, before and after the gym, before and after going to the bathroom, just passing by the bathroom…seriously in a day I can weight myself up to 10 times and it got to stop! And there is no better way then cold turkey.

I understand my addiction: I tend to give myself some room to cheat when I don’t have to worry about the scale, which reads weight increase. And the times that I gained the most weight were when I never used a scale or made sure to stay away fromt hem. It’s like every time I weight myself it is a re-assurance that I have to keep doing what I am doing, motivate me to go to the gym, work harder, eat healthy, etc. But that obsession cannot be to healthy!

So starting today, I am not touching that scale till the beginning of next month. There is no better way to brake an addictiont then cold turkey! And maybe I will see a big number that will make me jump, because with my obsession, my losses have beenv between 0.5 and 1 lbs! After all, how much can you lose every day or half day when you are always on the scale checking. Bye Bye for now dear scale, I will miss you!

Seriously, I believe it is obvious…I am fat! DUH! But some people thanks that somehow that passed by me and I never realised. Thank you for being so nice, but believ eme I got the memo a long time ago, and that is the reason I am here, it is to change that.

 HansSteiner…a member of this site, went thru all the trouble of adding me on MSN just to send me messages about how fat I was! And ad if this was not enough…he sent me a private message.

http://bodyspace.bodybuilding.com/HansSteiner/

“adcvice: delete that pics it looks super disgusting. In germany we don?t want see fat blobs. And its on the main page of the side at moment and its just bahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”
“No comrade. Just at school and we surfed here and then saw you fat ****** blob and had good laugh. My comrades and me can?t stop lauging.
If you would jump down a building, you would form like a drop of water ha ha”

Thanks but seriously, you spent way too much energy on me. I know that thank you and yes I got the memo. By the way, I couldn’t care less about how they do think in Germany.  Unless it is against bb.com policy, I believe I will keep posting my pictures. If you have an issue with that, please don’t look at them. I don’t want to insult your sense of what is right or your way of doing things in Germany.

 Now, let me get back to my life…

I seriously believe there was a convention somewhere between all the top notches in spinning and they decided to find a way to keep fat people out of that class. And no better way than to make it seriously uncomfortable for us…I mean my ass just can’t take those seats! Screw you people! I mean seriously, what would be wrong with better searts and padded ones at that

 But you know what, screw it! I have been to my fourth class so far and I am staying! Make the seat skinny, it is okay! I have a fat ass, it surely can take it! And what are those things to put your feet in….so not feasible! But I manage, I just turn them upside down and ride them like that…

 Try to keep me out, but I am going to keep on coming back! I am going to melt this fat "in your keep fat people out" spinning class and I going to hate/love every minute of it!

So far, so good! I have managed to eat well most of the time, let’s say about 70%!

 The weight is down, so hoping it will keep going down. I see some folks at my gym working out and all and at times I am envious…but I know that with due time and putting in the time/effort, I will get to where I want to be.

I make sure to eat clean on a regular basis, cardio at least 3-4 times a week and yes eat clean! Lifting is good, and finding time to go to the gym more often.

 1 day at a time, and hopefully I will keep at it 1 lb at a time till I drop the remaining 100 lbs!

I need to get out, seriously! I have been feeling like a total failure, what else can I say, and it has been getting to me. Feeling down, eating crap and not making it to the gym, after all what is the point….I am going to turn right back and put it back on!

I still want this, need this…just feel like it is an uphill battle with no end in sight! It’s like every day I keep on pushing and pushing and get nothing back in return. Yes, I lost 50 lbs, but it took me 8 months to do it…that is about 5 lbs on a monthly basis. And I am thinking about everything, it just get me a bit depressed.

 I guess all I can do or have to do now is take it one day at a time, 1 lb at a time and 1 meal at a time. Slowly I have been trying to get out of this funk….threw away food that my mom cooked for us(great food but bad for you), been making ti to the gym now and have done cardio! I figured out that when I look at the future and see the energy and work it will require, it depressed me because I am thinking: How the hell did I get myself in this situation? And it is not something I can fix in 12 weeks, or 15 or 30. This is a lifelong battle.

 The best way to attack it is to take it one step at a time, one battle at a time and day at a time. The future will come regardless, maybe my best bet is to focus on the present.

That is another aspect of my life I have yet to fully gain control off, and it is frustrating…even more so because the wife and I love to travel and go places.

This week I visited my parents and to deal with some family drama (not getting into it) and with the wife thinking she was pregnant, that was another added stress (found out she was not yesterday when we visited the doctor…thank god). Anyway, when I left home I was 276-278 lbs depend on the day…and by the time I got back saturday morning, I was 286.2 lbs easy…just from spending 4-5 days at my parents.

 Same thing happeneded when we went away to Canada in December…and with us planning to go away for spring brake, Dominican Republic during the summer, and Haiti for a wedding on Debember 18….I feel I really need to get this thing under control.

It seems with my regular environment…school/work and home I can control my eating and make good choices. But the moment I take myself out of that environment, I just go crazy… And there is that mentality that I deserve the brake or I will get back on track when I get home. The best excuse I came up with this week was that my parents did not have a food scale, and the logic was I can’t really know what I was eating. But inside, I knew damn well I was going over my calories.

This is another wall I need to brake because this game of 1 step forward and 2 steps back is aggravating. Would like to hear others opinion on the subject!

Here I am seating down in front of my computer waiting for some paper to print so I can go back to studying (3 tests the next two days) and my wife brings up the whole weight loss issue again!

So, schoo/studying vs drama with wife weight! Guess what wins! :rolleyes:

Anyway, as a good husband I listen to her, her fears, her sadness and try to console her!
She feels ashamed for the weight she has gained, feeling bad, unatractive, etc!

Basically all the issues and insecurities that comes with being overweight!

I explain to her it took 5 years for her to gain it, will take some time for her to lose it! And how consistency is key…you get the drill!

We go over her calories and she had about 800-900 calories left to meet her daily intake that is 2,000 calories! She wanted to lower it because she want to lose more than the 1 lb I set for her a week!

She wants to get back to 120 lbs quick, we have a wedding to go to in December in Haiti and she wants to weight as close to 120 lbs as possible!

So here it comes again…we want it now, we want it today…heck, we wanted it 5 minutes ago! The american way of life…instant gratification!

I can’t judge because I used to be this way, the person that wanted to try every diet I saw, bought the whole 6 minutes a day 6 pack abs exercise…the velocity diet, the liquid diet!

Geesh, the things I have tried to lose this weight have made me balloned from 225 lbs to 335 lbs in 6 years! And I have but one person to blame: Me!
I wanted it all so fast, I wanted to be that guy with the 6 pack in 3-5 months instead of 1 year or two….I read those stories about people losing 100 lbs in 3 months and wanted to be them!

And every time I failed, as a prize, I added a few more lbs! It’s like adding salt to the open wound! Not only did I fail at the diet…I gained the weigth again!

It took time for me to re-program my brain to accept the small 1 lbs victories, the 1" lost, the old pants fitting! I am far from being at my ideal weight (whaterver that may be), but I am better now than I was 5 months ago!

Yes, a part of me still urge for those big numbers…but the rational and logical me know I have to stick with the program! I enjoy food, I eat my kit kat bars, my pizza’s, go out with friends, have my glass of red wine….but I enter it for my calorie intake for the day!

It is a battle, an on going battle! It will not stop when I reach 185, or when I bulk to 200…even when I am that 5% bodyfat…this is a battle to the end, to the day I lay on my death bed and give out my last breath!

Weight will be an issue in my life, it is part of whom I am! But I am turning the weight issue into a physical issue…it is about loving me and my body and perfecting it! It’s like builting that dream house that you are never done builting because there is always something that can be done better!

So, I expect to be here 3-5, 10 or 20 to 30 years down the road, no longer as the fat guy, but the fit one trying to remain on top of it’s game! It is a marathon, not a sprint and everyday I remind myself of that!

Now the reason why I am writting this!

My wife and a few threads on the forum remind me how far I have come and how far I have left to travel!
Day in and day out I see people coming here posting about those crazy diets they want to try or what should give better results!
I see 6ft tall grown man, in the 300’s lbs or more eating less calories than my wife that is 5ft 2 and 215 lbs!
Why?  They want those results fast and quick! They want it know, they actually needed it 2 months ago!

Yet, you look around and they are no longer here in a couple of weeks, they did not update, they disappear…some come back (like I have), only to have gained some more weight!

Some learn and changes their ways, some still go after that goal of getting it as quick as possible!

I watch, I think, I smill….and I remind myself, MARATHON, MARATHON, MARATHON!

It may take longer, it may be frustrating, and I may want to give up…but those 55 lbs I lost in 6 months are mine!
I took 2 weeks off from the gym, I gained nothing!
I went away for a couple of days…actually lost weight!

Why? Because my body adapted and accepted the new me! this weight is my weight and I am not running on borrowed time!
In the past, 2-3 days away, I would have gaine 5 lbs, a weekend getaway…easy 7-10 lbs! What you lose quickly, you tend to put back even quicker with some interest!

Marathon!

I am slipping away, I can feel it! Or better yet, I know it!

It is that time in my life were I get so busy and I start making priorities, and in the mist of all those priorities, something start slipping away…start with being too tired to head out to the gym or reading those two chapters during that time will be better than hitting the gym!Or geesh, let me just grab something on the way there, quicker!

Or geesh, this will be quicker than the healthier choice! I am too tired to cook!It started, and I have nobody or nothing to blame but myself! School started, 6 classes, 18 credits! I need them, I have to ace all of them! My future depends on it, my ego depends on it! Yet, I want to be fit, I want to hit the gym!But adding work to the program makes it harder! I can’t quick, because I have a plan for that cash!

 But fitness is important, and what a career or money may do for me if I am diabetic? Or die of a heart attack before I am 30?Here I am, sitting here 3 AM, with 2 books open in front of me, ready for another night of studying!

My computer on the other side, a few website open! And I start thinking about my upcoming week….6 classes, about 15 chapters to read, 2 papers due, 2 group studies to attend, work, and I want to hit the gym!How do I tackle it? What do I do? And how do I do it? Am I going crazy? Am I losing it? I need all of them, some more than others!

Education is important to me and my family, yet so is my health! Work? I can go without it for awhile and my wife agrees, but I feel like less of a man when she is the only one bringing home the bacon! I am used to providing for her, coming up with the cash…and that is not about to change!

Geesh, not again! I have missed two weeks, basically since school open! I was too tired after work, or had too much to do, have not slept in more than 24 hours, why hit the gym?

I make logic out of my insanity! I convince myself that the choice is right for now! But why do I feel like shit? Here I am 3:30 AM, wanting to hit the gym at 7:00 AM when they open!

But also, I am in chapter 2 of my English reading, wanted to get to chapter 4 by 7AM!
-> Have 3 chapters to read for my Industrial Organizational Psychology class…what do I do?
->Macroeconomics is waiting…
->Financial planning, that is easy, just need to read Chapter 6 for this week and review the past chapters and problems!
->Business Law, my favorite…but geesh, so many things to remember!
->Urban planning, darn I still haven’t started that paper!

*And I need to hit the gym….what do I do! Take the two hours brake as necessary "me" time or hit the books?

How about the wife? She has been complaining about me not paying attention to her? What to do, a quickie or a full hour of love? But I could have hit the gym? Do we cuddle or I just hit the books right after?
She wants to go out to eat tomorow, good, but that takes so long!

Friends are texting that they have not heard from me! Damn, social life is slipping, what to do? family are calling to make sure I am not dead…my mom is mad because unless she calls me I don’t call her! Father thinks I have issues!

I have yet to ski since winter started….should we go?The wife want to go away, okay, but when?I have 6 classes, and I need to ace all of them, what do I do?But I need to study for the LSAT and GMAT….and if lucky will be able to do a joint JD/MBA program!

The wife gave me the list of school she is applying to for her Phd next year, I have yet to review it to see what are good law and business school that are around them that I could apply too!And time is passing!

And I am 280 lbs, that can’t be healthy! Need to lose that weight!How is our finances? Took 25K out of our ROTH IRA to cover some expenses, wise or not! What was I thinking?

But back to the weight, 280 or more, heck might be more! I don’t know but hope not…it was 280 two days ago! But what do I know?The wife said she can’t go to the gym in the morning has two tests this upcoming week! And for the amount of money we are paying for her Masters in Public Health, she need to pass them!
Heck, below a 3.0 she is kicked out of her program! But why do I worry?She is smart, that is what attracted me to her! But I worry, too much money for a masters and she have one year too go than her PhD!

At least it is cheaper than med school, but than after all, she is still undecided about med school! She did well on the MCAT, she is just not sure if she really wants to be a Doctor anymore! Also, she hates loans!

She feels she was going toward it to please her mother, explains the bachelor in Biology! Talking of mother in law, she feels I told her daughter to forget about med school, she is disappointed! But why would I do that?

Geesh, In laws! If I ever get divorced, not getting married again!

 Had to attend that boring party for her cousin that is running for office again! such a show off, dropping names!Had to post pictures of him at the inauguration last week! Pictures with him with hilary, gov Patterson, mayor of Louisiana, etc! I am happy for you but don’t need you to ask the Senator Smith for a job for me! Yes, got me pissed when he asked me for my resume for that purpose!

I have never accepted hand outs and not about to start! Did I say I could not stand the guy? I don’t know, rubs me the wrong way!Yes, In laws, not doing again!

Seriously!Here I am 3:57 AM, half of a chapter done, debating if I should post this or not! Still have it open…not sure anyone wants to read about my rambling!The gym, will I go?

 Or should I just go? I think my English teacher is crazy, but what do I know! As long as he helps me with my writting and grammar so I can write my essays for Law school, I am a happy camper!

Financial Manager teacher, she is hot! Always found smart woman hot! Yeah, my wife proves that! Sorry but the hottest chick in the world can walk up to me and if her conversation cannot be intellectual, I am turned off!I would bang her, but not marry her!

 Something about intellectual foreplay that just turns me on! A educated discussion always leads to great sex with the wife, and if we disagree, even better sex!

But about sex…I need to get laid as soon as the wife gets up! Brother needs to relax, stressing too much!

Back to the gym, will I go or not! Mmmm, 4:01 AM now, gym opens in 3 hours! How about my diet? Should I eat before I go? What?

English, need to finish reading that thing! And a paper to write, about what? What subject of Grammar merits a 4-6 pages paper….thank god it is not due till April!Might have to pick my wife brains for that one!

At the end of the day this is my life:
–> A never ending discussion with myself….due to the fact I was an only child for 17 years! Yes, parents waited 17 freaking years before giving me a brother followed by a sister less than a year later! WTF?
–> Priorities, always priorities! What can be done now and what can wait till later!
–> Always on the go! I love and hate it!
–> Will I hit the gym or not?
–> Enter calories on fitday….

It is a New Year, time for resolutions and goals! Time for new beginning!
I would consider 2008 somewhat a success, I managed to shed 48.6 lbs…yes, 1.4 lbs short of 50 lbs! But you know what, I will take what I can get!

So now that 2009 is here, what can I want? I went from 335 to 286.4 lbs in 2008, can I beat that in 09! I don’t believe in resolutions, maybe it is because I tend to brake them

I will keep it simple: I want to be a better me! No excuses, no bullshit, no crap!
Do what I gotta do to make it happen! Is that simple enough?

By the way, I did make a quaterly goal! I want to weight 260 lbs by April 1, 2009! The lightest I would have been in 4 years