cawiau’s BodyBlog

it was easy as taking a pill and I would wake up with a 6 packs! But yet I wonder, would I appreciate the process as much!

I wish I did not have man boobs, but wouldn’t I be missing the planning, hard work, stress, depression, happiness mixture!

I wish I was not obese to start with… but I wouldn’t not know what rock bottom was and disdain in the eyes of friends, family and strangers!

I wish for so much… but yet, at the end of the day, I appreciate my struggles, they may weight me down at times, but I grow stronger!

I might be depressed, but I learned how to go thru the darkness!

I wish, I wish, and I wish… but nothing can beat hard work, sweat and tears!

Bitter sweet moment today, my wife decided it was about time I cleaned up my closet:(

Bitter…my side of the walk in closet is close to empty, so need to purchase some more clothes, which means money out of my pocket. Yes, I don’t like to spend money.

Sweet… 3/4 of my clothes are now way to big for me to wear. I went from 3 XL shirts to XL shirts, 48, 50, 52 pants to 38-42 pants depending on the brand.

I may not see progress but having to replace 3/4 of my closet is proof I guess. Also, my wife can now hug me, I mean put her arms around me. It has been awhile since my wife could do that.

YEAH baby….65 lbs down, about 90-100 lbs to go

I always hear that and it always sounds so good : " When life gives you lemon, you make lemonade!"

But know that life has given me lemon, by the dozen and really sour at that, how do I make some lemonade? I would like to know because seriously…I need to know!

You know when things are so bad, and you think, it cannot get worse and it actually does…what do you do?
Makes some lemonade? What if you don’t know how?

**this is a response to those in my threads that were saying that I am to pessimistic and needs to see a shrink because it seems I have some issues***

Ok people, let’s get this straight once in for all: If being optimistic works for you, so be it. But guess what, I am not the optimistic type. I am more about keeping it real and yeah sometimes it may sound like I am all gloomy doomy, but I am always prepare for the worst and hoping that maybe maybe the best will come.

Look what I wrote, I see no changes from 286 lbs to 273 lbs. If you choose to read it as me saying that I see no changes from 335 lbs t0 273 lbs, then that is on you, not me. I am a big guy, I know it, you know it, the world knows it.

Of course that 13 lbs lost is not going to show on me, as if I went from 173 to 160, but damn it, if I am not allowed to RANT about it in my own thread why the **** to I have my own thread for.

Sorry, but this process is draining, frustrating, demoralizing, and sometimes shakes you to the core. You feel disgusted that you have let yourself go to that point, feel like shit and ready to quit.

Yet sometimes, you feel good about yourself, feel confident, happy that damn it you can get in that gym and get the job done, reach a new PR, fit better in your clothes, can go up against the stairs without passing out.

So if can/is both and yes when I am up and happy I report it, and damn it when I am going thru a ****ing down time, I report it. I am sorry that this does not work for you guys that are of the notion:Think happy thoughts.

I was never the happy thought type of guy, I say it like it is and how I feel. This is a journey, one day I will be okay, another I will be bitchy and moaning. It is a process….and I started a thread/journal to keep track of that process.

I feel this is where besides my blog I can unleash the good, bad, ugly, upsetting and downright shitty things. You may not agree with it, you may have better options and advice to offer and I am all ears.

But no one, will tell you that they went on their journey of losing fat and was all happy and dandy about it. And everyday they felt great and looking forward to the next. If is not true. Some days I feel like a rockstar, and some days I feel like shit.

So no, I don’t have issues seeing what my body looks like. Yes, I have lost 60 lbs so far, and yes it is obvious that my clothes are bigger, or fit better. I have more stamina, and no longer have sleep apnea.

But you have to see the other side of it because it is hard wrenching and difficult to accept that even after losing 60 lbs, I have another 100 to lose. And this is why I ask the ones that have lose that amount of weight, how did they keep on going, move forward and not look back.

Because if makes you see things at it is and how bad you have let the situation get before taking action. And how far you have to go before being content and happy with your accomplishments.

It is easy to say "take it a day at a time", " 1 lb at a time". " Day by day" and all those other inspirational things, but this is a reality that every obese person or overweight have to deal with.

It shakes your faith in yourself, your capabilities, your self esteem. Yes I have lost 60 lbs, but by GOD, even after 60 lbs, I am still considered morbidly obese. How far did I let myself go? How far to I have to go? Can I even respect myself?

We deal with those, and some of us keep it bottled inside…but if I can;t come here and express my fears, my doubts, my negativity the same way I can express my job, accomplishments, and positivity, then there is no purpose for this thread.

This is my journey and it comes with both, and no my head is not up my ass, it is well adjusted on top of my shoulders.  It is easy to say " be positive", "you can do this" "move forward" but until you are dealing with the demons that I am dealing with, those are just words.

I may be negative to you, but have you ask how does that push me?

-> Seeing that I have no  definitions in my legs does not make me want to give up! No, instead it makes me want to get in there and kick ass even more, and on legs day it helps me push myself.

-> My man boobs, yes I hate them with a passion. But guess what, I have been asking everyone any advice about it. And yes, lose more weight. But also, I want to know different things I can do to help it alone and have receive great advice. My form is better on my presses and doing great. Even started doing push ups.

Different emotions work differently for everyone. Some people are motivated by positive thoughts, some like me are motivated by negative one or the outcome of something bad.

So hating some things about me does not make me want to give up, it makes me want to do everything in my power to change it. Before analyzing be and putting me neatly in that little box with a tittle and description on it, first get to know me.

I have done this so many times, that I can’t this time put myself thru it again or my loved ones! Every time someone tell me I lost weight, I am quick to say: No, actually I have gained. And give them an amount….my mother in law thinks I am 300 lbs, my mom thinks I am 335, I have told other cousins I am about 335 and up. I even told my wife I am at 286.

The truth…I am at 271-273, depending on the day. Why do I lie? Because after 6 years, I know better. Every time I go thru the process, my loves ones get excited for me, encourage me, try to push me, you name it, they do it…only for me to let them down again and worse, gain back the weight I lost and more.

I feel this time, if I were to give up again or gain the weight back, what they don’t know, can’t hurt. And also, guess I don’t want to look like a failure again. I already feel like a failure…guess don’t want to make it worse.

I know it is bad to lie, but for me I guess I justify it. Yes they think I lost weight, but you can easily tell someone is not true:
-> It is because you have not see me in a while.
-> I shaved
-> huho, those pants are just so big they make me look slim.
-> yes, I am like 300 something…have not weight myself in a while.

I can’t bare the idea of letting them or myself down again…I have done it too many times before!

I think it is all my fault, I did not put the fear in you! You are not afraid that I may crushed you, kick you, take a baseball bat and whoop your rectangle behind!

You cannot lie to me once? Not once? I mean, no need to say I am a 10 and the sexiest man alive…just a you look good will do! And darn it, it is a conspiracy going on…all of you playing the same game! You had a convention and decided that this year is the year to drive me nuts!

Imperfection here and there, little extra fat there…those man boobs, will they ever become chest?  Damn the arms….can we see some muscle? Quads…ha, you mean fat? I put my imperfections in front of you and you just put me down, no hopes, no encouragement! Damn you are mean!

And when I workout….I look at you! Hoping you would show me that pump…that I am actually doing something worthwile… but na, that would be too much to ask! You are worse than a plastic surgeon hoping to cut, a mother criticizing her kids, the bullies on the playground…because you have no ulterior motives, you are blunt, honest and take no prisoners!

But mirror mirror on the wall, just once I am begging you…be a liar!

They tell you all the time: Don’t mistake the trees for the forest…yet in weight loss you have to change your mentality just to go through the motion. You have to stay focus on the trees just before you can see the whole forest!

Why? Simple….at the beginning of this I was 335 lbs, and as of this morning I am 273 lbs. Great you say? Maybe not so! If I go by the trees, I would be happy! 62 lbs is awesome…and I should be excited and proud….

Yet, as soon as the excitement of the weight loss comes over me, it is followed by the realization that I have about 100 lbs to lose before I can say I am there! Talk about killing the mood!

At times, it is so easy to get lost in the difficulties of the weight loss and the challenge ahead of you that you get depressed! I mean come on, after what I have been thru to lose 62 lbs, and to think that I have 100 more to lose. Geeh, I might ass well give up now and eat some ice cream while watching LAW and ORDER!

So I cam up with this little thing where I just take it one month at a time! I set little goals and try to reach them each month! Let me plant my trees  and weight for the forest to to come into full view!

Sometimes it is upsetting, confusing, frustrating… but I have to remember: Not the forest…just the trees!

I did not workout yesterday or do cardio this morning because I was in Jersey! My mom called me at about 1 to tell me one of my cousin was in the hospital and he was dead! They don’t know what killed him, he just died!

Out of nowhere…He was in his mid thirties, healthy and seemed okay! The day before yesterday he was at my aunt house and my mom said he looked just fine and was joking with my other cousins! They even got into a discussion about politics and Obama!

He left and went home to his wife. She said he was okay and got up in the morning to go to work like every morning! That is where it got weird! While he was at work he told his boss he was not feeling well and was going outside to get some fresh air and going to take his lunch brake early.

He went and got his lunch and was standing outside about to re-enter the building and just fell! His co-worker said they were talking one moment, the next he was on the floor, passed out. People tried to revive him but by the time the ambulance got there, he was already dead!

The doctors could not give us an answer because it was a strange to them too. He got his annual physical like 2 months ago and he was perfectly fine, no blood pressure, diabetes, etc. He is like my mom a Seven Day adventist, so no drinking, smoking and drugs…and now we are waiting on the autopsy! Might take a couple of days!

This man was 36, married and looked healthy to everyone that knew him. Left his wife to go to work in the morning and was perfectly okay! Before lunch, he dropped dead! She did not get a chance to say goodbye, none of us did. We are all just in shocked and still doesn’t seem real.

Remember to tell your loved ones that you love them, because you never know when will be the last time you see them!

My wife and I are both trying to lose weight, but it seems without trying it turns into this competition! And yes, while it has some pro’s, the con’s are not working for us. Meaning the criticizing of each other diet, the rubbing of one’s weight loss in the other person face, some hurtful things might be said, etc. It’s like without even paying attention, we went from wanting to do this together, to doing this and rubbing it in the other person’s face.

I admit I am to blame for some of the things and my lack of tack in bringing up some of her short comings. She also have her faults. And now with summer around the corner and both of us determined to lose weight, I have a feeling it is only going to get ugly from then on out.

How to keep the peace and lose weight at the same time?

My wife and I are both trying to lose weight, but it seems without trying it turns into this competition! And yes, while it has some pro’s, the con’s are not working for us. Meaning the criticizing of each other diet, the rubbing of one’s weight loss in the other person face, some hurtful things might be said, etc. It’s like without even paying attention, we went from wanting to do this together, to doing this and rubbing it in the other person’s face.

I admit I am to blame for some of the things and my lack of tack in bringing up some of her short comings. She also have her faults. And now with summer around the corner and both of us determined to lose weight, I have a feeling it is only going to get ugly from then on out.

How to keep the peace and lose weight at the same time?