cawiau’s BodyBlog

I know it and there is no denying it…I don’t have a nice size chest, no six pack, peak in my biceps, or that definitions on my legs. Instead, I have a nice big gut, chest that is bigger than some women breast, a fat ass and some fat legs! Put in simpler words I am a fat guy!

I know it, and the rest of the people looking at my pictures knows it! I take pictures in my underwear because I thought this way I would be able to see progress…you know, a few inches here and there, chest size going down, etc. I thought that was the way to do it…the guys and girls in top shape don’t mind, heck sometimes I see more than I care for. But it seems that when you are over a certain size it is "taboo".

I am not totally naked, my privates are covered, unless you consider my chest or "man boobs" to be privates. Why is it an issue? Why should anyone take offense to that?

I totally understand the self esteem issues that comes with being fat, but I do not suffer of these issues. I am a confident young man that has no problem taking pictures with my shirt off. I may not be proud of it, but I am not going to hide it. You can read my stats, I am over 300 lbs…it is easy to imagine what 300 lbs look like, I just save you the trouble.

And you know what get me: it is not the fit people that have an issue with it 8/10, but usually the other people like me that are somewhat overweight. Like there is a conduct that all overweight people should follow: pity themselves, have self esteem issues, be unseen.

I am fat, it is not new. Those are my pictures and I do not find them upsetting. They help me track my progress, how small they may be. If they do by any means upset you, please stop looking at them. But there is no way I will stop taking them by respect for me and my values.

I realised that no matter the conditions, what is happening…I need to stay focus and remain the course. This is my life, a matter of living till old age or dropping of a heart attack in my 30’s or late 40’s.

 It is so easy to get off track, so many distractions, life events, etc. that we believe we do not have the time. I realise I actually need to create the time because…there is no magic pill to this thing!

 I used to think that I was alone..but God is by my side, if anything, I am the furtest thing from being along. It will hurt, I migh fail at times, I might want to give up…but I am going to stay the course and remain focus

I have come to a decision: I will not share my weight loss success with my wife unless she asks! Off course if I am doing what I am doing, she will notices!

 But it has come to a point where she feels that I am rubbing my success in her face which is the last thing I would do. She feels that she knows best about dieting, so every advice I offer she rejects! Or get mad.

 It has become so frustrating that I feels it would be best if I just don’t mention it, don’t give out any suggestion and leave it alone. I told her today that I was changing my diet and that I want my lunch and dinner to be mostly brocoli/salad and some type of meat. As for breakfast it would be cereal or oatmeal, and two other snack in between.

 Of course she had to add how eating like this was not regular and how I would gain the weight back. I explain to her that this is a lifestyle choice for me now, not a diet. I am not going for fast food anymore, no pizza, no dunking donuts…I might eat a few things at a party or taste a slice a cake, but that would be once in a while. You do not need it everyday…

And than she goes on the defensive…To make a long story short…I now stand alone, this is my journey. I shall post my progress and pictures here and only here. She will join the bandwagon when she chooses…but I am not getting of this train!

Damn it, that is my new goal and I will be damned if I can’t make it happen! And I am serious…my goal is to be able to walk into MACY’s and buy a pair or many pairs of jeans without having to go thru hell looking for my size. My goal is to be able to just pick up a shirt and Geesh! it is actually too big!

 Today I went to Macy’s to pick up something for the wife and decided to look around and see if I could find a pair of jeans…Why would I? They weren’t any that fit me in January when I last looked…but yet, still had hope, after all I just losted 20 lbs!

 Yeah right…some of those designers don’t go over size 38, biggest I found is a 42! At least in January I actually found a 44….Yep, I am too fat to shop at Macy’s, or maybe it is just pants. Did manage too find 2 shirts XXL that fit quite nicely.

 This motivate me even more to drop the lbs! I want to be able to walk into Macy’s, bloomingdales, etc and find a freaking pair of jeans that fit! Is that too much to ask? No, and I shall  make it come true!

yeah, crazy statement isn’t it! Nah, I am sure most of us know it!

But it is so easy to :

–> Hit the snooze button and keep on sleeping.

–> Tell yourself it is okay to miss the gym today!

–> Eat a an extra cookie instead of a nice bowl of salad!

–> Give up instead of doing that extra rep/set…

Little by little I have come to realise what seperate me from all the other good folks on this web site…it is that courage or drive to go past the laziness, workout till it hurt, miss sleep to make it to the gym no matter how tired they are.

I have been a master of "excuses" why I was not in shape, yet you know what, they are still excuses.  I was lying to myself and sometimes I force myself to believe it! Yes,. looser mentality but so hard to get out of!

And until I can brake out of this cycle, I will not reach my goals. I will still be on this web site 5 years from now complaining on how I have gained weight and still trying to lose it. It is hard to look our failures in the face and see them for what they are….

But I have too because this laziness have started showing up in my academic transcript…It was one thing when my body was suffering but I will be damn if I will wreck my chances of getting into medical school!

 –> Snooze button, prepare to collect dust. I am getting up on time tomorow.

–> Running shoes, prepare to get used, because I am going for a walk/run later on.

–> Salad you will be eaten, no worries. The garbage will not see you this time

And I will stop here, because got to go study! and damn it, I will be under 300 lbs by the end of this month!

Seriously! I guess maybe I am bipolar…I know I am not but just maybe!

The issue is one moment I am upbeat, knowing I am on the right track, working out, eating right…etc. Basically doing all the right thinfs.
Than Bam..I feel shitty about myself. Usually happens when I look myself in the mirror or see pictures of myself. The fat round face, the man boobs, the big saggy stomach, the fat ass…

 I start cursing and asking how in the world did I let myself get to that point??? How did I lose so much respect for myself, my body? Than the criticism start than I feel terrible.

I have a long road to go…and no, it does not get easier!

I have dropped a total of 18 lbs in 4 1/2 weeks…seriously, in my history of weight loss, this have never happen to me before..

I have to admit that I am excited but also kinda freak out…I know I have been working my ass off for the past 4 weeks with more frequent cardio and hitting the gym as much as possible…but darn it, 18 lbs!!!

 You know what, I am going to ride that train till the end…and see what happens! No workout or cardio today or tomorow, two big tests at school. Hitting the gym again running on Thursday.

 Increasing cardio to 45 minutes 6 times a week and weightlifting to 6 times a week. Playing tennis with the wife on Friday and hiking on Sunday.

Might as well stay busy and help the fat loss along

That is in the weight loss department I mean! LOL

For month I was stuck at the the 325 + lbs, even went as far as 335 lbs at a time. Just could not manage to loose the weight and I was trying everything.

Guess what, in the past 4 weeks I have dropped 16 lbs. An average 4 lbs per week and I seriously can’t tell you what made it happended.

Seriously, everything is still the same, eating the same, drinking the same and working out the same…yet the weight is dropping.

You know what, I am perfectly okay with it…let the fat roll and get me under 300 lbs by the end of this month!

Got done with my workout more than three hours ago and all I can say is my legs are killing me! When I got to my appartment I could barely walk up the stairs. After a quick shower and dinner, I just layed on my living room floor! I could not move a muscle….it sucks big time! But yet, I kinda like the feeling, let me know that I am doing at least something right!

Tomorow is cardio day, so no lifting!

After my last post, I had to go out of town till today…so when I got to the gym earlier today, I repeated everything I did on day 1. Not bad, so I will be okay. Tomorow is cardio day than thursday more lifting involve!  Just taking it one day at a time, not much else I can do!

 Workout in itself was not to bad, but as I wrote last time, I need to improve on my rest time. I tend to take longer between sets than I need too. With the cardio completed, it puts me closer to my goal of 500 Miles!