cawiau’s BodyBlog

I decided to start blogging about a few things because I feel there is a lot of misconception about us fat people.  So every time I get a chance I will outline a few things.

For today, I will start with: We are not oblivious, we know that we are FAT!

In my life, it seems like everyone wants to remind us how fat we are. I mean from your parents, family members, friends, etc.

I understand for a few it is out of concern, they are worried about you… but honestly, after 2-3 times, we get it.

Let’s go over this again : We know that we are fat!

But here is the thing, you nagging or reminding us about how fat we are is not going to change that. It is our decision, and only ours to lose weight.

The day that I decided to start losing weight, it was about ME. I did it for me  and only me. Not for my mother, my siblings, my friends, or my wife. It was about me.

So again let’s repeat: We know that we are fat, it is not that hard to miss.

Next time you see a fat person, friend, family, stranger, etc: Just smile and be cordial like you would be to anyone else. I am sure they already heard how big they already are.

And like I said, one final time: We know that  we are fat!

Bitter sweet moment today, my wife decided it was about time I cleaned up my closet:(

Bitter…my side of the walk in closet is close to empty, so need to purchase some more clothes, which means money out of my pocket. Yes, I don’t like to spend money.

Sweet… 3/4 of my clothes are now way to big for me to wear. I went from 3 XL shirts to XL shirts, 48, 50, 52 pants to 38-42 pants depending on the brand.

I may not see progress but having to replace 3/4 of my closet is proof I guess. Also, my wife can now hug me, I mean put her arms around me. It has been awhile since my wife could do that.

YEAH baby….65 lbs down, about 90-100 lbs to go

I always hear that and it always sounds so good : " When life gives you lemon, you make lemonade!"

But know that life has given me lemon, by the dozen and really sour at that, how do I make some lemonade? I would like to know because seriously…I need to know!

You know when things are so bad, and you think, it cannot get worse and it actually does…what do you do?
Makes some lemonade? What if you don’t know how?

**this is a response to those in my threads that were saying that I am to pessimistic and needs to see a shrink because it seems I have some issues***

Ok people, let’s get this straight once in for all: If being optimistic works for you, so be it. But guess what, I am not the optimistic type. I am more about keeping it real and yeah sometimes it may sound like I am all gloomy doomy, but I am always prepare for the worst and hoping that maybe maybe the best will come.

Look what I wrote, I see no changes from 286 lbs to 273 lbs. If you choose to read it as me saying that I see no changes from 335 lbs t0 273 lbs, then that is on you, not me. I am a big guy, I know it, you know it, the world knows it.

Of course that 13 lbs lost is not going to show on me, as if I went from 173 to 160, but damn it, if I am not allowed to RANT about it in my own thread why the **** to I have my own thread for.

Sorry, but this process is draining, frustrating, demoralizing, and sometimes shakes you to the core. You feel disgusted that you have let yourself go to that point, feel like shit and ready to quit.

Yet sometimes, you feel good about yourself, feel confident, happy that damn it you can get in that gym and get the job done, reach a new PR, fit better in your clothes, can go up against the stairs without passing out.

So if can/is both and yes when I am up and happy I report it, and damn it when I am going thru a ****ing down time, I report it. I am sorry that this does not work for you guys that are of the notion:Think happy thoughts.

I was never the happy thought type of guy, I say it like it is and how I feel. This is a journey, one day I will be okay, another I will be bitchy and moaning. It is a process….and I started a thread/journal to keep track of that process.

I feel this is where besides my blog I can unleash the good, bad, ugly, upsetting and downright shitty things. You may not agree with it, you may have better options and advice to offer and I am all ears.

But no one, will tell you that they went on their journey of losing fat and was all happy and dandy about it. And everyday they felt great and looking forward to the next. If is not true. Some days I feel like a rockstar, and some days I feel like shit.

So no, I don’t have issues seeing what my body looks like. Yes, I have lost 60 lbs so far, and yes it is obvious that my clothes are bigger, or fit better. I have more stamina, and no longer have sleep apnea.

But you have to see the other side of it because it is hard wrenching and difficult to accept that even after losing 60 lbs, I have another 100 to lose. And this is why I ask the ones that have lose that amount of weight, how did they keep on going, move forward and not look back.

Because if makes you see things at it is and how bad you have let the situation get before taking action. And how far you have to go before being content and happy with your accomplishments.

It is easy to say "take it a day at a time", " 1 lb at a time". " Day by day" and all those other inspirational things, but this is a reality that every obese person or overweight have to deal with.

It shakes your faith in yourself, your capabilities, your self esteem. Yes I have lost 60 lbs, but by GOD, even after 60 lbs, I am still considered morbidly obese. How far did I let myself go? How far to I have to go? Can I even respect myself?

We deal with those, and some of us keep it bottled inside…but if I can;t come here and express my fears, my doubts, my negativity the same way I can express my job, accomplishments, and positivity, then there is no purpose for this thread.

This is my journey and it comes with both, and no my head is not up my ass, it is well adjusted on top of my shoulders.  It is easy to say " be positive", "you can do this" "move forward" but until you are dealing with the demons that I am dealing with, those are just words.

I may be negative to you, but have you ask how does that push me?

-> Seeing that I have no  definitions in my legs does not make me want to give up! No, instead it makes me want to get in there and kick ass even more, and on legs day it helps me push myself.

-> My man boobs, yes I hate them with a passion. But guess what, I have been asking everyone any advice about it. And yes, lose more weight. But also, I want to know different things I can do to help it alone and have receive great advice. My form is better on my presses and doing great. Even started doing push ups.

Different emotions work differently for everyone. Some people are motivated by positive thoughts, some like me are motivated by negative one or the outcome of something bad.

So hating some things about me does not make me want to give up, it makes me want to do everything in my power to change it. Before analyzing be and putting me neatly in that little box with a tittle and description on it, first get to know me.

I have done this so many times, that I can’t this time put myself thru it again or my loved ones! Every time someone tell me I lost weight, I am quick to say: No, actually I have gained. And give them an amount….my mother in law thinks I am 300 lbs, my mom thinks I am 335, I have told other cousins I am about 335 and up. I even told my wife I am at 286.

The truth…I am at 271-273, depending on the day. Why do I lie? Because after 6 years, I know better. Every time I go thru the process, my loves ones get excited for me, encourage me, try to push me, you name it, they do it…only for me to let them down again and worse, gain back the weight I lost and more.

I feel this time, if I were to give up again or gain the weight back, what they don’t know, can’t hurt. And also, guess I don’t want to look like a failure again. I already feel like a failure…guess don’t want to make it worse.

I know it is bad to lie, but for me I guess I justify it. Yes they think I lost weight, but you can easily tell someone is not true:
-> It is because you have not see me in a while.
-> I shaved
-> huho, those pants are just so big they make me look slim.
-> yes, I am like 300 something…have not weight myself in a while.

I can’t bare the idea of letting them or myself down again…I have done it too many times before!

I think it is all my fault, I did not put the fear in you! You are not afraid that I may crushed you, kick you, take a baseball bat and whoop your rectangle behind!

You cannot lie to me once? Not once? I mean, no need to say I am a 10 and the sexiest man alive…just a you look good will do! And darn it, it is a conspiracy going on…all of you playing the same game! You had a convention and decided that this year is the year to drive me nuts!

Imperfection here and there, little extra fat there…those man boobs, will they ever become chest?  Damn the arms….can we see some muscle? Quads…ha, you mean fat? I put my imperfections in front of you and you just put me down, no hopes, no encouragement! Damn you are mean!

And when I workout….I look at you! Hoping you would show me that pump…that I am actually doing something worthwile… but na, that would be too much to ask! You are worse than a plastic surgeon hoping to cut, a mother criticizing her kids, the bullies on the playground…because you have no ulterior motives, you are blunt, honest and take no prisoners!

But mirror mirror on the wall, just once I am begging you…be a liar!