cawiau’s BodyBlog

That is another aspect of my life I have yet to fully gain control off, and it is frustrating…even more so because the wife and I love to travel and go places.

This week I visited my parents and to deal with some family drama (not getting into it) and with the wife thinking she was pregnant, that was another added stress (found out she was not yesterday when we visited the doctor…thank god). Anyway, when I left home I was 276-278 lbs depend on the day…and by the time I got back saturday morning, I was 286.2 lbs easy…just from spending 4-5 days at my parents.

 Same thing happeneded when we went away to Canada in December…and with us planning to go away for spring brake, Dominican Republic during the summer, and Haiti for a wedding on Debember 18….I feel I really need to get this thing under control.

It seems with my regular environment…school/work and home I can control my eating and make good choices. But the moment I take myself out of that environment, I just go crazy… And there is that mentality that I deserve the brake or I will get back on track when I get home. The best excuse I came up with this week was that my parents did not have a food scale, and the logic was I can’t really know what I was eating. But inside, I knew damn well I was going over my calories.

This is another wall I need to brake because this game of 1 step forward and 2 steps back is aggravating. Would like to hear others opinion on the subject!

Here I am seating down in front of my computer waiting for some paper to print so I can go back to studying (3 tests the next two days) and my wife brings up the whole weight loss issue again!

So, schoo/studying vs drama with wife weight! Guess what wins! :rolleyes:

Anyway, as a good husband I listen to her, her fears, her sadness and try to console her!
She feels ashamed for the weight she has gained, feeling bad, unatractive, etc!

Basically all the issues and insecurities that comes with being overweight!

I explain to her it took 5 years for her to gain it, will take some time for her to lose it! And how consistency is key…you get the drill!

We go over her calories and she had about 800-900 calories left to meet her daily intake that is 2,000 calories! She wanted to lower it because she want to lose more than the 1 lb I set for her a week!

She wants to get back to 120 lbs quick, we have a wedding to go to in December in Haiti and she wants to weight as close to 120 lbs as possible!

So here it comes again…we want it now, we want it today…heck, we wanted it 5 minutes ago! The american way of life…instant gratification!

I can’t judge because I used to be this way, the person that wanted to try every diet I saw, bought the whole 6 minutes a day 6 pack abs exercise…the velocity diet, the liquid diet!

Geesh, the things I have tried to lose this weight have made me balloned from 225 lbs to 335 lbs in 6 years! And I have but one person to blame: Me!
I wanted it all so fast, I wanted to be that guy with the 6 pack in 3-5 months instead of 1 year or two….I read those stories about people losing 100 lbs in 3 months and wanted to be them!

And every time I failed, as a prize, I added a few more lbs! It’s like adding salt to the open wound! Not only did I fail at the diet…I gained the weigth again!

It took time for me to re-program my brain to accept the small 1 lbs victories, the 1" lost, the old pants fitting! I am far from being at my ideal weight (whaterver that may be), but I am better now than I was 5 months ago!

Yes, a part of me still urge for those big numbers…but the rational and logical me know I have to stick with the program! I enjoy food, I eat my kit kat bars, my pizza’s, go out with friends, have my glass of red wine….but I enter it for my calorie intake for the day!

It is a battle, an on going battle! It will not stop when I reach 185, or when I bulk to 200…even when I am that 5% bodyfat…this is a battle to the end, to the day I lay on my death bed and give out my last breath!

Weight will be an issue in my life, it is part of whom I am! But I am turning the weight issue into a physical issue…it is about loving me and my body and perfecting it! It’s like builting that dream house that you are never done builting because there is always something that can be done better!

So, I expect to be here 3-5, 10 or 20 to 30 years down the road, no longer as the fat guy, but the fit one trying to remain on top of it’s game! It is a marathon, not a sprint and everyday I remind myself of that!

Now the reason why I am writting this!

My wife and a few threads on the forum remind me how far I have come and how far I have left to travel!
Day in and day out I see people coming here posting about those crazy diets they want to try or what should give better results!
I see 6ft tall grown man, in the 300’s lbs or more eating less calories than my wife that is 5ft 2 and 215 lbs!
Why?  They want those results fast and quick! They want it know, they actually needed it 2 months ago!

Yet, you look around and they are no longer here in a couple of weeks, they did not update, they disappear…some come back (like I have), only to have gained some more weight!

Some learn and changes their ways, some still go after that goal of getting it as quick as possible!

I watch, I think, I smill….and I remind myself, MARATHON, MARATHON, MARATHON!

It may take longer, it may be frustrating, and I may want to give up…but those 55 lbs I lost in 6 months are mine!
I took 2 weeks off from the gym, I gained nothing!
I went away for a couple of days…actually lost weight!

Why? Because my body adapted and accepted the new me! this weight is my weight and I am not running on borrowed time!
In the past, 2-3 days away, I would have gaine 5 lbs, a weekend getaway…easy 7-10 lbs! What you lose quickly, you tend to put back even quicker with some interest!

Marathon!

I am slipping away, I can feel it! Or better yet, I know it!

It is that time in my life were I get so busy and I start making priorities, and in the mist of all those priorities, something start slipping away…start with being too tired to head out to the gym or reading those two chapters during that time will be better than hitting the gym!Or geesh, let me just grab something on the way there, quicker!

Or geesh, this will be quicker than the healthier choice! I am too tired to cook!It started, and I have nobody or nothing to blame but myself! School started, 6 classes, 18 credits! I need them, I have to ace all of them! My future depends on it, my ego depends on it! Yet, I want to be fit, I want to hit the gym!But adding work to the program makes it harder! I can’t quick, because I have a plan for that cash!

 But fitness is important, and what a career or money may do for me if I am diabetic? Or die of a heart attack before I am 30?Here I am, sitting here 3 AM, with 2 books open in front of me, ready for another night of studying!

My computer on the other side, a few website open! And I start thinking about my upcoming week….6 classes, about 15 chapters to read, 2 papers due, 2 group studies to attend, work, and I want to hit the gym!How do I tackle it? What do I do? And how do I do it? Am I going crazy? Am I losing it? I need all of them, some more than others!

Education is important to me and my family, yet so is my health! Work? I can go without it for awhile and my wife agrees, but I feel like less of a man when she is the only one bringing home the bacon! I am used to providing for her, coming up with the cash…and that is not about to change!

Geesh, not again! I have missed two weeks, basically since school open! I was too tired after work, or had too much to do, have not slept in more than 24 hours, why hit the gym?

I make logic out of my insanity! I convince myself that the choice is right for now! But why do I feel like shit? Here I am 3:30 AM, wanting to hit the gym at 7:00 AM when they open!

But also, I am in chapter 2 of my English reading, wanted to get to chapter 4 by 7AM!
-> Have 3 chapters to read for my Industrial Organizational Psychology class…what do I do?
->Macroeconomics is waiting…
->Financial planning, that is easy, just need to read Chapter 6 for this week and review the past chapters and problems!
->Business Law, my favorite…but geesh, so many things to remember!
->Urban planning, darn I still haven’t started that paper!

*And I need to hit the gym….what do I do! Take the two hours brake as necessary "me" time or hit the books?

How about the wife? She has been complaining about me not paying attention to her? What to do, a quickie or a full hour of love? But I could have hit the gym? Do we cuddle or I just hit the books right after?
She wants to go out to eat tomorow, good, but that takes so long!

Friends are texting that they have not heard from me! Damn, social life is slipping, what to do? family are calling to make sure I am not dead…my mom is mad because unless she calls me I don’t call her! Father thinks I have issues!

I have yet to ski since winter started….should we go?The wife want to go away, okay, but when?I have 6 classes, and I need to ace all of them, what do I do?But I need to study for the LSAT and GMAT….and if lucky will be able to do a joint JD/MBA program!

The wife gave me the list of school she is applying to for her Phd next year, I have yet to review it to see what are good law and business school that are around them that I could apply too!And time is passing!

And I am 280 lbs, that can’t be healthy! Need to lose that weight!How is our finances? Took 25K out of our ROTH IRA to cover some expenses, wise or not! What was I thinking?

But back to the weight, 280 or more, heck might be more! I don’t know but hope not…it was 280 two days ago! But what do I know?The wife said she can’t go to the gym in the morning has two tests this upcoming week! And for the amount of money we are paying for her Masters in Public Health, she need to pass them!
Heck, below a 3.0 she is kicked out of her program! But why do I worry?She is smart, that is what attracted me to her! But I worry, too much money for a masters and she have one year too go than her PhD!

At least it is cheaper than med school, but than after all, she is still undecided about med school! She did well on the MCAT, she is just not sure if she really wants to be a Doctor anymore! Also, she hates loans!

She feels she was going toward it to please her mother, explains the bachelor in Biology! Talking of mother in law, she feels I told her daughter to forget about med school, she is disappointed! But why would I do that?

Geesh, In laws! If I ever get divorced, not getting married again!

 Had to attend that boring party for her cousin that is running for office again! such a show off, dropping names!Had to post pictures of him at the inauguration last week! Pictures with him with hilary, gov Patterson, mayor of Louisiana, etc! I am happy for you but don’t need you to ask the Senator Smith for a job for me! Yes, got me pissed when he asked me for my resume for that purpose!

I have never accepted hand outs and not about to start! Did I say I could not stand the guy? I don’t know, rubs me the wrong way!Yes, In laws, not doing again!

Seriously!Here I am 3:57 AM, half of a chapter done, debating if I should post this or not! Still have it open…not sure anyone wants to read about my rambling!The gym, will I go?

 Or should I just go? I think my English teacher is crazy, but what do I know! As long as he helps me with my writting and grammar so I can write my essays for Law school, I am a happy camper!

Financial Manager teacher, she is hot! Always found smart woman hot! Yeah, my wife proves that! Sorry but the hottest chick in the world can walk up to me and if her conversation cannot be intellectual, I am turned off!I would bang her, but not marry her!

 Something about intellectual foreplay that just turns me on! A educated discussion always leads to great sex with the wife, and if we disagree, even better sex!

But about sex…I need to get laid as soon as the wife gets up! Brother needs to relax, stressing too much!

Back to the gym, will I go or not! Mmmm, 4:01 AM now, gym opens in 3 hours! How about my diet? Should I eat before I go? What?

English, need to finish reading that thing! And a paper to write, about what? What subject of Grammar merits a 4-6 pages paper….thank god it is not due till April!Might have to pick my wife brains for that one!

At the end of the day this is my life:
–> A never ending discussion with myself….due to the fact I was an only child for 17 years! Yes, parents waited 17 freaking years before giving me a brother followed by a sister less than a year later! WTF?
–> Priorities, always priorities! What can be done now and what can wait till later!
–> Always on the go! I love and hate it!
–> Will I hit the gym or not?
–> Enter calories on fitday….