My week at the GYM!!! LOL !!!
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a w eek of
personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in
great shape since playing on my college football team 25 years ago, I decided it
would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. Called the club and made
my reservation with a personal trainer named Debbie, who identified herself
as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and
swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to
chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it
when I arrived at the health club to find Debbie waiting for me. She was
something of a Greek goddess — with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling
white smile.
Woo Hoo!!!!! debbie gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took
my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was
so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics
outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her
aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring, Debbie was encouraging as I
did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole
time she was around. This is going
to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Debbie
made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put
weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the
full mile. Debbie’s rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel
GREAT!! It’s a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in
both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I
parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Debbie was impatient with
me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a
little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this
nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill,
so Debbie put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Debbie told
me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit
too.
THURSDAY:
Debbie was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn’t help being a half an
hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Debbie took me to work
out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men’s
room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine — which I sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Debbie more than any human being has ever hated any other
human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little
cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I
would beat her with it.
Debbie wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps! And if
you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ Barbells
or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I
landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn’t it have been
someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY:
Debbie left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice
wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to
smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use
the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather
Channel.
SUNDAY:
I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank
GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the
bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun — like a root canal or a
vasectomy.
-rob
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