butifldisaster’s BodyBlog

Let use have faith that right makes might; and in that faith let us to the end dare to do our duty as we understand it. ~ Abraham Lincoln

Tonight, a dear friend serving our country in Iraq reminded me of what true strength is. A direct quote from him is this "Train hard..,post plenty of pics…, and keep in touch with friends…then let lifes chips fall where ever they decide…and I’ll tell ya it won’t matter as much." I hope he doesn’t mind me quoting him…but I want to share that to say this….-This man is thousands of miles from home, serving our country…..and he never seems to have a bad day. Although he would so much rather be here with his beautiful wife, and his children, he is doing what he considers his duty. It puts so much in perspective for me. When I’m here whining about trivial things like my job, or my commute to work….Wow. That really makes me think. How wondereful is it that we have amazing men like this protecting us. And he takes the time to make me feel better. It should be the other way around. People like him are the true heros and strong not only physically, but in an even more important way, strength of character is much harder to come by than physical strength.  And I am truly grateful to have this Hero and others like him on our side:) People like him make our country great. Those who do what has to be done with little compensation or thanks, not for fame or fortune, but simply because they understand the meaning of duty….and American Spirit…..and they possess TRUE strength. The everlasting kind.

Ok…I know this is true in some ways…but PLEASE….enough already! I am all about "no pain, no gain"……I can take the sore muscles, the late nights studying, the long days of meetings and nasty, mean spirited people…and I know I am a better person for dealing with all that. I have even successfully given up my starbucks!!!! And SURVIVED..lol:) But when it comes to "Bring on the Rain"…I’m a wuss. I am so much more successful in the gym when things in the rest of my life are going smoothly. That’s my history….I give up when the going gets tough…..:(  And right now, I’m miserable emotionally…and I want to go to STARBUCKS….haha. REALLY BAD! But instead, I’m venting on bodyspace:) What I need is to figure out how to keep my poor heart from dictating what I do to my body…..I have been through hell in the past few years……and emotioanl pain is something that I am NOT very good at dealing with. How do I control the need for comfort…ie..Starbucks….and instead find a healthier way to deal? I can’t go to gym today…it’s a rest day…and I think it would help me emotionally…hurt me physically…story of my life…lol:(

I went into GNC on Friday to buy Protein Powder. Ok, so I had the name of the stuff I wanted written down and read it off the paper to the guy working the register. And for some unknown reason, he made the assumption that I was buying it for a significant other and asked me what flavor "he" wanted….uuuughhhh!!! I bit my tounge, but it was all I could take when he made a comment about "women being disorganized"…Yikes!!! I could no longer deal with it…I told him off in a very lady-like (well, ok, maybe not) manner…..lol. WTF!!!! Who still thinks that way in 2009?????? There are some pretty amazing women on here and I’m almost sure that anyone of us could’ve kicked his puny little ass…….:))))  

So I’ve been looking at my old pictures and patting myself on the back for all the progress I’ve made over the last several years and I started thinking. I wanted to lose weight because I felt really bad about myself for awhile….and I looked and felt like crap. So I did it. I lost the weight…managed to get my life even messier than you can possibly imagine….gained weight…los weight..gained weight….well, you get the picure. Then I realized that I wanted a HOT body….and obviously this may not be the purest motivation, but it was (and I’ll admit, still partially is) my motivation. But I wanted that body to make me be something for someone else…not for me. Last summer I killed myself in the gym…and I don’t think I was ever there for me. This time…things are a little different. My desire to be attractive to that person is still there, but I want to do it for me. I want to prove to myself that I can do this, because I know I’ll be a better person for it. In  alot of ways, I have always needed to prove something to myself. In one aspect or another, for whatever reason. I’m never satisfied with who I am. I always know I can be better…I lost weight…alot of it..but I need to be strong now…I got the masters degree, I need the Ed.d now… I just feel inadequate for some reason…BUT that pushes me to make me better. I want to be the best I can possibly be. And when someone compliments me, I want to be able to agree with them instead of immediately thinking they are just being nice….lol.   

Today is starting out badly. I’m overwhelmed….I’m stressed out…and freaking out. I was going to start my new routine this week, but realized that I need to learn more about the moves before I start, and decided to take this week  to get ready and start  on Monday. So I’m already disappointed about that, but add everything else to this and I just have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I have had so much disappointment in my life and in the people that I’ve looked up to….it seems to be a perpetual state these days. Working out has saved me more times than I can count. When I think about all of the crap that I’ve been through in the past several years, I’m amazed that I’m still a productive citizen…lol;) So I have so many problems right now….and they are BIG problems….and working out has been my salvation, but I wasn’t doing it RIGHT…so I wasn’t getting results…And I want results….I need results. I have so many people in my life who dont’ see the value in working out, who believe that I’m being selfish by taking that 1.5 hours a day, instead of spending it with my 4 children, or doing something for my career, or whatever, but they don’t understand that I need that time to do something for me. Something that makes me feel good about myself and that makes me feel strong and happier. I am very much a female….I cry and I get my feelings hurt and I want to make everyone happy….so today, I feel so alone and just defeated for some reason. BUT…I’m not going to fall apart…I refuse to let myself get discouraged again. Wow…I know this was basically a bunch of whining, but hey…I got it out of my system…

Ok…so I have been working out FOREVER…..and have never been REALLY serious or really successful about it. I seem to get caught up in my life and let my fitness fall by the way. It has always been like that for me. There has always been SOMETHING that to me seemed more important. Well, those days are over. I turned 35 this year and started really thinking. I ahve never been more motivated or more serious about getting a really healthy, really strong, beautiful body. I know I have a long way to go, but it’s exciting and scary all at once. I want to be successful. I don’t accept failure well. Ask anyone who knows me. If I want something bad enough I NEVER give up on it. And this is something that I want badly. So, bodyspace is my new favorite place to be:) I’ve only been here a week but I’m learning so much that I need to know to do this the right way!!!!! Thanks everyone:)