The workings of a bipolar mind.

The turkey came out perfect. Not bad since it’s only the second time I’ve ever made a turkey. Thanksgiving lunch was great according to my son.

I ended a relationship today that I should have ended years ago. If you don’t believe in yourself, how can others believe in you. We all know that actions speak louder than words. He’s been screaming at me and I just wasn’t listening. Too wrapped up in what I was hoping for instead of really seeing what was in front of me.

I’ve grown a lot since we first started seeing each other over 8 years ago. I’m not the same negative, self-loathing person I was then. I’ve learned that the changes I want have to come from within me. He’s heading down a path that I can no longer follow. I can’t ask him to change, that is a choice he has to make on his own.

Sadly I see my father in him. I grew up believing that I wasn’t enough but somehow the alcohol was. I can’t save him. I can’t make him see me. I can’t even make him feel my heart breaking.

So today I move on. Today I save myself.

The turkey came out perfect. I just wish I could enjoy it.

I wrote a post yesterday but it seems to have disappeared. Oh well, it wasn’t anything too thrilling anyways. Life is plugging along. Looking forward to a four day weekend and quality time with my son.

Hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving.

I used to go 4-5 times a week and I loved it. Now that I’ve moved I haven’t been able to find a yoga studio in my area. I have the videos at home but I just can’t get motivated to do them like when I’m in the studio. I think I’ll just have to take a drive so I can get back into it.

I’m seriously hurtin today. My legs are so sore that I can barely walk. My lats hurt from the pushups and I had originally planned on back and biceps today. I’m thinking of making it just a cardio day but I’ve got cramps that make me just want to curl up into a ball. So I think today will be a rest day. Some hot tea, a hot bath and some bodybuilding reading material……..  My pal Sonya (smorgan1227) is planning on doing a competition next year and wants me to compete with her. I’m not really into the whole competition thing. Putting my body through all that just to be told my body is not the "ideal" figure. It’s like setting myself up for failure. Not to mention it’s expensive. I was checking out the swimsuits and they are anywhere from $200 to $1400….WTF. That’s insane.  We’ll see. I’ll probably go through the motions with her. There’s a contest in May, I guess that will be my motivation to drop some bf. The idea of going without cookies just isn’t too thrilling at the moment.   Next week will be measurement and update pictures. Blah!

You know those little gnomes that steal your socks out of the dryer? Well they’ve been switching my jeans with smaller ones. Bastards!!

I took last week off from the gym. I was getting burned out. Just didn’t have the motivation to go. My diet sucked and I just wasn’t going anywhere in strength or size. Sooo, I’ve cleaned up my diet….still an occasional chocolate here and there my diet has been much better. I’ve also added in more carbs. Mostly brown rice, bran/whole wheat and some oatmeal.

I’ve also decided to go back to lifting heavier with lower reps. I’ve been doing the high reps thing for too long and my loss in strength shows. Still not as motivated as I have been but hopefully with a cleaner diet I’ll start to lean out some……..just in time for Thanksgiving.