The workings of a bipolar mind.

I am strong and independent. I know this, I learned early that the only one I can count on is me. If it needs to be done, I have to do it or it won’t happen. I speak my mind, I hold nothing back. I call a spade a spade. I’m direct and well, I take no shit. I can be stubborn and hard headed. I’ve been noticing that guys don’t approach me. The ones that do, don’t stay. So I was talking to a couple of friends and I had to ask. What is it about me that scares men off? Apparently I’m intimadating. I guess men want a woman they can take care of. It makes them feel needed? I’ve never been able to count on anyone, people say they will be there forever. They’re not. Not the ones in my life anyways. I’m strong, I work out because I want to be strong on the outside too. We all do. My friends think I need to let my guard down. To let people see a softer side of me. Maybe bite my tongue once in a while and just smile. I’m a no nonsense kinda gal. I prefer jeans and a tshirt to pretty lil dresses. Don’t get me wrong I clean up nice but it’s not my thing. The less makeup I wear the better I feel. My girlfriend on the other hand is a girlie girl. Always dresses to impress, make up is flawless, hair is perfect. She’s soft spoken and can get shy. Guys love her. Yes folks, I’m the ugly friend. Are men really that afraid of a woman who can stand her ground. I’m really not all that different than any other woman. I want the same things. Someone to love me, take care of me and be there for me. Yes, I need a strong man who isn’t afraid to go toe to toe with me. I may be 5′3" but sometimes I think I’m 10 feet tall and bullet proof. Not afraid to break down this wall I’ve built. My exboyfriend used to tell me I was a bad ass. I don’t think so. The only difference between me and these other woman is that no one is ever close enough to see me cry. I hurt like everyone else. I’m not bitter and I’m not cold hearted. I have the biggest heart when it comes to the people I love. Once you get past this wall I’ve built around myself you’ll see that my heart bleeds just like everyone elses. One day I’ll find my prince charming (instead of all these damn peter pans). If I want something I go after it. If I’m not interested, you’ll know. I don’t like to play games. It’s just not me. Am I going to chase you? Maybe, but be warned I get bored easily. If you can’t sweep me off my feet, you won’t last a week with me. I know this has nothing to do with working out, just talking out loud.

I’m pretty sure I’ve gained at least 5-10 lbs this past week. I’m afraid to get on the scale. Had a great Thanksgiving. Watched a Disney marathon this weekend. Got my butt kicked in Star Wars (ps2), have to say I really hate loosing! I try not to let a stupid video game get to me but when he’s rubbing it in my face that I lost I just want to ring his neck! Oh, this is my son by the way, not hot guy……lol! Extra cardio this week to work off the cookies, brownies and candy bars. I made cookies last week, my friend brought me brownies, than the next day she came by with chocolate bars……wtf? I thought she was a friend!

Did some light legs exercises today. Leg press, walking lunges, dead lifts and calves. I was training with my gal pal today. Just shooting the shit and of course there’s hot guy working out too. He asked if I was mad at him. I said just alittle and he asked why. Told him cause he blew me off. He says he didn’t blow me off. Whatever! He said he fell asleep. We bullshitted for a couple of minutes. We ended the conversation with him saying I never call him, which I said whatever. I have called. I told him if your not into me it’s no big deal just say so. He says I am into you. So I told him you better start acting like it and I walked away. No, I’m not giving him another chance, he blew it. There are way too many guys out there to stress off this little boy. Now, I really need to go take a nap. I had a banana split before the gym. Hey, I thought it would feel good on my throat…..and it did. It just didn’t feel too good in my stomache during walking lunges. Lol! Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!

I’m still alive and kickin! Went out with the girls Friday night and got good and drunk! Had a blast!! We danced for a few hours and my legs were sooo sore Saturday and Sunday. Nothing like some good fun cardio. Nothing much else happened this weekend. Hot guy blew me off, said he’d give me a call. Never heard from him. Left work early yesterday and hit the gym. He wanted to act like nothing happened. Came over and asked if I had come in early to see him. I said yeah, right! I was getting ready to hit chest. He stands over me and says go ahead. I told him I didn’t need a spot and sent him on his way. I’m coming down with a cough and a sore throat. Went to bed early last night and took today off. But I will still be hitting the gym later. I’m not THAT sick.

Hit chest and triceps last night but I think I may have over did it a tad. My exboyfriend showed up. He still sends me messages but I don’t respond and whenever I don’t respond he shows up. The ****’s engaged to someone, let me go. I knew he wasn’t happy to hear about me and hot guy, he made that known but too f’n bad. He cheated and lied to me, he blew it! So I refused to look at him or talk to him cause I know he’s just waiting for me to say one word to him and he’ll weasel his way back into my life. Yes, even if I said something negative like "stay the **** outta my life" is an opening for him. He’s one of those guys. Anyways, I was alittle ticked that he was there, when things are going good he always has to show up and **** up my good mood. So I pushed a little harder on chest and triceps than I intended to. I am so sore this morning. I can hardly move. My legs are still sore from Monday night too so today I’m walking around like Frankenstein. At least I got a great workout from this, thanks *******!

Son of a b@#$#!! Training hard and it still took me half an hour to open up a bag of treats for my dog……..I had to use a knife.

Haven’t done abs in a while so I thought I’d devote last night to abs and cardio. It felt great plus did some stretches to losen everything up. I don’t do cardio much anymore because I don’t want to get too lean. I figure I’m not competing so why lose the boobs and butt. Not much else going on. This will be my rest weekend, probably just some yoga to help me relax. Nothing new to report with hot guy. Think I’m going to have to let that one go….he still watches the Disney channel, sure I watch it too, but with my son. (Big sigh!)

Things are going great. Training is still going strong. No one armed push-ups yet but getting stronger. I’m up to 3 unassisted dips now. I know, I know…I’m the shit. lol Had to go lighter on legs Monday, serious hangover on Sunday and was still alittle weak but still a good workout. Yesterday was shoulders and triceps and I pulled something in my chest cause it hurts alittle today. Have a bruise on my shoulder too but that wasn’t from working out (wink, wink) Tonight will be biceps. My training schedule is all screwed up this week which is probably a good thing………Ok, I know your all waiting to hear what’s going on with hot guy. Things are still going so I guess that’s good. He got off work earlier last night so we spent some time together. He says he can’t train when I do because he can’t concentrate and he’d walk around with a um, well, use your imagination. (giggle) I’m sure he’s a player and full of shit but it sure has made life a lot funner. Hope everyone is doing well and training hard! Oh yeah, exboyfriend caught wind of hot guy and is not happy. Extra bonus! haha (evil giggle)

Ok, he did call, even though it wasn’t in the morning like he said. We ended up hooking up last night and had a great time. We hit the gym in the morning for some light chest although he socialized more than he sweated. We went to the old gym he used to work at (I used to go to this gym also which is where we knew each other from). He drove us to the gym in his Viper (yeah, I know….bonus). He drives like shit and I thought more than a dozen times we’re going to crash (show off) but I didn’t let on that I was ready to poop my pants. Apparently he was impressed that I didn’t scream once during our ride, guess others have. He’s great to have some fun with but I can’t see my self with someone like that. I remember my first thought when I was driving home this afternoon was damn, no more thrill of the chase.

No call, can’t say I expected it. He talked about what we were going to do but now nothing. I need a manual for men cuz I’m obviously not getting it. When does yes mean no and no mean yes. Maybe only on Wednesdays does yes mean yes and no mean no? You guys and your mixed signals. If your not interested, why not just come out and say so? Why go through the number swapping and details of a plan just to flake out? What am I missing here besides a clue! If I’m not interested I usually at least use the "I’m not looking to get in a relationship" line. That’s pretty much a red flag someone’s not interested right. I’m confused and a little ticked. F him, his numbers deleted.