The workings of a bipolar mind.

If I could be a superhero, who would I be? I think being Lara Croft would be the coolest.  She’s smart, rich, gorgeous and most importantly……a kickass body. I’d have every gizmo and gadget at my disopsal. Cool cars, motorcycles, boats…whatever my lil heart desired. Than to top it off I could travel the world in search of its greatest treasures. Solve puzzles, shoot at bad guys and have the hunky men lined up just so I can kick their ass!! But gotta say, Wonder Woman does take a close second. Who would you be?

Things are getting better. Training is good, I seem to have busted through my plateau. Now I just need to get back on track with my diet. No more bulking. Everytime I think bulking I think of that Southpark episode where Cartman uses the weightgainers 4000. I’ve got the video posted under my profile. "What are you bulking up to be, a fat ass?" hehe Cracks me up everytime. So I’m sure I mentioned before that we have a new fitness manager at my gym. Hot, hot, hot.  He walked by when I was doing dead lifts with his cut off tshirt getting ready to hit the weights and I had to do a double take. Damn, I need to get laid. Lol, starting to feel like a dirty old woman stalking the youngins at the gym. (He’s only 23 I think) Darn it, forgot what my blog was supposed to be about. Minds in another place now. I’ll have to write later when my minds out of the gutter.

So I’m sure some of you have noticed that I’ve been slacking off from bb.com but not with my workouts. This week is the strength training out of the Muscle & Fitness magazine. Not bad, heaviest weight I can do at 4, 4, 6, 8. Did single leg squats last night with 115lbs. Yes, folks I went up  wooohooo! Couldn’t get more than 5 reps with 405 on the leg press. My diet has been full of chocolate chip cookies, candy bars, french fries and other goodies……rather than saying my diet sucks, let’s just go with "I’m bulking". Not much else going on in life. Work, gym, eat, sleep…repeat.

but they don’t fall down! Haha! Remember those? Anyways, tonight was leg night and my legs are feeling it. I did one legged squats, walking lunges, leg press, dead lifts, singles leg extensions and calves. My legs feel like jello! It feels soooo good to be back. Even had someone come up and ask me what I was doing (walking lunges) and what they worked. I am going to be so sore tomorrow. I love it!!

Last night was my first night back in the gym after a week of hiding. Came back to some changes. First I discovered we have a new fitness manager, the last one was fired. Really feel for him even though he wasn’t really a people person, hid in his office most of the time. So of course a couple of the trainers that had quit before because of him are now back. Not that it really matters to me. So to my workout. It was chest and tris night. I figured since I’m refreshed I’d probably feel stronger. I thought wrong. I was a little weaker, not much though. Next week I expect to be back in full form. Tonight will be leg night, my favorite! Hope everyone is having a good day.

Tonight I’ll be back in the gym after taking last week off. I’m really looking forward to it. I know I’m going to be really sore too and I can’t wait. Tonights chest and tris with dumbbells. I’m going to be working on singles for a few weeks to try and even out my strength on both sides. In case you haven’t noticed, one side is always stronger than the other. Anyways, I’m feeling alot better. Not 100% but so much better than last week. Thanks to all my friends out there for their support and encouraging words. You guys are great and I really do appreciate everything! Hope everyone is having a great day!!

My heart still feels sadness but mixed with that sadness there is relief. Life delt me another blow but I’m still standing. I still cry, I still smile and I still try to laugh. To me that means I’m still alive. I’m not the person I was when this chapter started but I’m still the person I am now that it’s ended. If there were things I could change in the past I would but we just can’t take it back. I’m headed towards a new adventure, I’ve opened a new door. Good or bad I don’t know. They tell me I’m only given what I can handle in life. Haven’t I proven by now that I can handle anything? Do I still need to be tested? Fine, throw at me what you must just keep my family and friends safe and happy. I will gladly take the blows if it means someone else doesn’t. My son has had to give me lots of hugs lately and he doesn’t know why. He doesn’t need to. He’ll learn in his own time about lifes ups and downs but I know it will never be the same lessons as mine.

How do you stay positive when your born into a world where you weren’t wanted. You became a burden to those that were supposed to love and cherish you. Things were done that shouldn’t happen to any child and since they weren’t there to protect you they blamed you. When life’s stresses become to much you become their whipping boy. You have to fight to survive. You give nothing because you expect nothing. No matter how much you pray things never change. You learn young trust no one, count on no one. If you want to survive, you alone will have to struggle and fight. One day you take a chance and put your trust in someone. You give them your heart because you want to believe that there can be good and happiness in life and that you deserve it. They took that trust and love and destroyed it with lies and deceit. They’ve ripped out your heart and crushed every dream you had. You only know how to survive, you’ve never learned to live. You stop wanting what everyone else has. You just go day by day. No expectations means no disappointments. On the inside your dying as each day passes but on the outside you smile. People look at you and see a strong, old soul. Inside you fight and struggle to hold it together. If they sense weakness and pain they’ll tear you apart. It’s too late for them to apologize, the damage is done. You lift to feel and be stronger than what you sometimes feel. You lift so when life deals it’s next blow you can get back up. You show no pain, you feel no weakness. You know that next blow is just around the corner and you brace yourself. How many blows can you survive?

Not much has changed. Still feeling down. Haven’t been to the gym since Monday. Just going home and going to bed. Food intake is still low, I’m now down to 113lbs. There goes my hard earned muscles, they were tiny before but now their non-exsistant. A co-worker tried to cheer me up by bringing me a banana split for lunch. I could barely choke down my yam. Even a banana split didn’t sound all that good but I couldn’t hurt his feelings. So I shared it with another co-worker. Hey, I’m not getting fat on my own! I can be thoughtful like that. Now my stomach hurts from the ice cream. My friend wants to train with me tonight so I guess I’ll drag my ass to the gym, it’ll make me feel better. Not to mention he used to be a reverand/pastor (one of those) so maybe talking to him will help. I’ll be hanging out with my son this weekend so that’ll help too. Well that’s it for now. Gonna head to the store and by my doggie some treats. Hope everyone is doing well! Take care.

Life has been taking it’s toll on me lately. Alot of personal stuff going on that is reaking havoc on my appetite. My eating has been really, really poor. I’d be lucky if I can choke down 800 calories a day. I’ve given up on cardio since I’m dropping so much weight. Just for alittle while, till I can get back on track. Still hitting the gym and doing drop sets. I don’t take a pen and pad with me and it’s way too much to remember how many reps I’ve done. I like the drop sets, gives me a great burn although I’m not getting sore the next few days like I usually do. Anyways, hope to get out of this funk soon. Hope everyone is doing well.