brownbikerbabe’s BodyBlog

Let me take a minute here to reflect on WHY I am not 125 lbs when I should have achieved that Oh let me see ….about a year ago!! Hmm…I know what I do…I self sabotage myself EVERY time! Its called binging! I do it all the time! Every 4 weeks or so! Its my one step forward two steps back dance I  have been doing all my life in terms of weight loss and gain…hence…the yo-yo!

I know I do it! I am fully aware of it when it starts…the chocolate dreams and they start around about a week before my period, I can usually hold out a few days and mentally YELL at myself, like the time I went to Walmart and there it was…staring at me…no SCREAMING at me…look..yoohooo, it’s me…Reese’s chocolate peanut butter cups…yoohooo!!! Damn!!! There I am…trying not to look, but I can see them outta the corner of my eye…damn that peripheral vision, the one time I really wish I didn’t have it! ****! They have  Reese’s Crunchy now!!! Ok, don’t look…look straight ahead, look at your shoes…hell look at he lady in front of you! Wow, that is a huge butt, does my butt look like that if I was standing behind myself?…Grab the Reese Crunch bar!! Pay for it and don’t even wait for the girl to put it in the bag, just open it and shove it down my throat, oops didn’t even chew that one, better get another one this time and chew it so that I can taste it…

There it is…how it all begins!! Every 4 weeks or so…So needless to say, I have not mentioned this to my trainer…but I think he knows because he hasn’t mentioned anything about my body changing…if it changes he notices it and tells me right away…and plus I can feel it..I have gained weight!

 I am self sabotaging myself…I don’t know why I do it! Do I want to fail?!

UGH! I dunno…I don’t want to be fat that is all I know for now! That FAME stage seems soooooo out of reach at this moment!! I love food! I love the taste of sweet things…Halloween is around the bend!! OMG! I am freaking out! Chocolate everywhere!!! AAAAahhhhh…

Ok, Ok…calm down, tomorrow, you are starting OVER! Day 1! Everyday will be Day 1! I always do well on Day 1…so why not make every day….Day 1…

Will give it a try and see what happens by next Sunday…I really want to make L proud of me…but I am such a powerless weakling in terms of Will power!!

Well, I am having everything go wrong, the bank that I refinanced my mortgage with screwed up alot of things and didn’t pay off my car loan! Now I have no more money because I have to pay it from whatever savings I had left…then our furnace broke down and we needed to get a new one…$4500 gone!! Then the doctor phones and says he has gotten the results from my breast ultrasound and they have found some cyst type tissue and he wants me to go for a mammogram on the October 30th~ talk about stress!!! Great!!! I am starting to freak out that its cancerous tissue!!!

Then the temporary bank card my new bank gave me stopped working!! And I haven’t received my new permanent bank card yet!! WTF…I think by now I should be blowing my head off…or at least someones head off…!!!

In the end I just ended up laughing…because how much more bad news can I get…wait the week is not over yet…this morning I stubbed my toe I was in such a rush that I said "ow"…after I got in the car to drive to work…that’s me slow reaction time. FARK!!!! Talk about black clouds in my life! But I know once you hit rock bottom…the only place to go is up!

The one sun shiney moment I get in my days lately is my one hour training session with L. I look forward to it!

L has threatened me! He asked me if i have been doing my morning cardio since he asked me last week …

…Er…no!

He got upset!  He had a strange look on his face that was scary actually It was this strange glitter in his eye, like a “you have no clue what I can make you do to torture the hell outta you” ….I knew I was in major horse pucky with him…

L: “Fine!!!! if you don’t do it…I will make it my mission to make sure you make up for it when you train with me even if I have to spend two hours of my own time with you!!!…and you don’t wanna know what I’m gonna do to you!! I’ll just phone up the girlfriend and tell her to go to her mothers and wait for me because Eva’s gonna get trained hard!!!”

Oh crap!

L: ” I wanna get the weight off of you!!! You’re like me” he said, “your body holds on to fat!!”

Me: Did he just call me FAT?

Then he told me he was a fat kid all his life and people used to make fun of him when he told them he wanted to compete….but he showed them all.

Me: “Ya right, show me, do you have proof?”

Actually he did!!! He had taken a pic of himself when he was 20, it was a chunky guy in the pic with a few chins…and his shirt off…and a belly! I couldn’t believe it!!! He had taken a pic of a pic with his iphone to show me!

WOW! Ok! That put things into greater perspective! He did it!!!…he turned himself from a fat 20 year old into this EYE CANDY greek god looking thing!  A new respect for my trainer…wow! He made me laugh…he told me when he saw how his body had changed and he had abs he used to wake up in the middle of the night and check in the mirrors to make sure it was really his body and it hadn’t vanished into thin air…LOL!!! I know I will be the same way…if I ever get there…he said I will get there, but I have to do what he says!

We did just arms yesterday and today was back day…

He told me “please don’t tell me any excuses that you gotta leave or whatever, just go and do the stairs for 30 minutes, then abs”

So I have been doing the stairs..without complaint about my knees or anything, he told me he has friends in the gym and he will make sure someone is watching me…then he left…I told him, I do everything he says he doesn’t need to plant spies aroung the gym…except the waking up early part! I don’t know how to do it!! I have never been a morning person!!! …well, I could tell him if he wants me out of bed that early he better come and sleep with me…LOL…pervy girl…but I didn’t say that.

Oooooohh…..Loookie here!!!

I felt like the Robot in Lost in Space after L sends me a text yesterday

"I am not happy with your progress, lets get greedy! I want you to start doing cardio in the morning before breakfast, whether you are working or not"

OH OH!! SENSING TROUBLE!! ALARMS GOING OFF…

“Let’s get greedy”…??? Er…but… I am not greedy, I just want to share…my…er…ermmmm….nice warm bed with my nice warm fat body?

So like a good client…ok maybe not so good, I was awake until 1:30 AM and then set my alarm for 5:30 so that I could get in 30 minutes of cardio or something…well….ummm…the alarm went off….about 6 or 7 times…LOL…needless to say I didn’t workout this morning…AM…and that bugger L checked up on me too.

I couldn’t lie. I told him I would do it tomorrow AM. I could sense the disappointment in the return text….just an “Ok.” back. I always feel like a child disappointing her parent or something with him…. i want to make him proud! Yesterday I met his girlfriend. She’s cute.

It was just cardio day today. So went to GL and did 40 minutes on the elliptical.

Ok, so us Canucks just had our Thanksgiving Turkey Day! And I went into it all prepared…took my cooler…measured out enough protein powder to take with me to inlaws place so that I could STAY ON TRACK! Well! Didn’t it all Fizzle and burn to the ground! We got to gether with friends up at my in laws…who we haven’t seen in over a year…!!! Friday night~I had two drinks….I had a shot of Gentlemen Jack whiskey with Diet coke times 2 and a chicken sandwich for dinner and a slice of cheese. Saturday morning…I ate a Tim Horton’s Pumkin spice Muffin and about 6Timbits…no will power!!! ARGH! Saturday night…I had 2 beers! Sunday~Thanks giving dinner…pretty healthy except I have 2 glasses of red wine! So the alcohol did me in..I feel like a blow fish…before I went to the inlaws…I put on my size 12 jeans and NOTHING was hanging over…I even had space and they felt looose around the waist…NOW!! Bloat city!!! I thought I’d take a pic to show you all…Click on the link of my latest progress pic…

 MY latest Progress Pic here

I am paying for my sins …I know I am retaining H2O like a mad cow! And to top it off…sore boobs…means TOM is lurking about…and will show up with in the next week or so. I stopped keeping track of my periods, they are always 28 days!! And never late! Now I just get the symptoms that warn me to the dreaded arrival. Well, I want all holidays and celebrations to be put on HOLD until I reach goal! …er….what? It’s a no can do? A No go?! Hmmm….Ok, I’ll have to work on the will power part instead!  

I’m gonna have to write Santa about that whole Christmas thing….

Man, every day something new!

Today the new circuit thing was clean and press with correct "full squat!" and burpees! Plus all the rest of the circuit…the other new circuit excercise…I have no clue what its called but I had a 45 pound dumbbell in each hand and I had to walk as fast as I could from one end of the gym and back! Mind you I couldn’t take huge steps or even regular step, the steps were like you walk when you are carrying two 45 pound buckets of water or something…that ’s the only mental pic I can think of as a description…I am sure most of you know what I am talking about…

It was arm day today! I was drenched once again! And then I decided to drive to the gym closer to my house to do the cardio…I went to the gym where L normally works out after work…but I didn’t want to stay there to do cardio…the equipment is pretty old and squeeks! But I was soooooo exhausted by the end of the workout that I found myself wanting to doze off while driving, lifting two days in a row and circuit training…AAAaaaaahhh I still have leg day tomorrow to finish up my week with L…I stopped and grabbed a coffee as a pick me up. Then I went to Good Life, the gym I originally started my training with L at and did 30 minutes cardio on the elliptical…Good thing I keep extra workout clothes in the car, I changed my T-shirt into a new workout top in the car because the one I workout with earlier was soaking wet!  I realised that I could have called it quits after gym # 1 but I didn’t I pushed myself to gym #2 to finish up my cardio…I feel proud of myself for doing that!

Now I can understand why the day of rest in between lifting is so important…but i really didn’t want to miss my Sunday workout…so I crammed them one after the other…Saturday and Sunday will be no exercise days…so I hope it will be ok.

L said my hips look like they are coming down…meaning smaller on the sides! I can’t see anything I told him…then he reminded me of the size 8 I fit into and I didn’t see anything then too! Ya! Ok! I still don’t see a difference…I just see FAT GIRL!…

Well, something must be happening because people at work today were like…did you lose more weight?…Uh…NO! Been the same weight for over a year now!!!

I dunno…

Until I see muscles! I am not convinced! Until I see the back fat gone! I am not convinced! Until I see Shirley Temple’s dimples disappear from my arse…I am not convinced!!!!

It is not the first time I have been on ChickenTuna’s profile but it was the first time I visited her website and I just have to say that I was so impressed by it that I read it from site page to site page, she is a funny girl, I LOLed several times at her out right bluntness! I was actually late for my cardio workout because I was busy reading everything she had to say about getting fit and staying fit. First off she is straight forward and blunt to the point that it makes me think of me…I have the same mentality…I am a no bull straight to the point in your face blunt, beating around the bush is not in my nature I don’t even know how to do that…. I have been told that by hubby and others that know me, maybe that is why I love this girl! She kicks butt with her words…at least that’s how I felt yesterday after reading what she had to say….There is no middle ground, you have two choices…be fit or be unfit. I figure the grey region between those two choices is the YO-YO part that I have been for years. Although Chickentuna loves "plain" food, I just add hot stuff to my plain food and who’da thought of using mustard!!!!! So yesterday after the gym, I had to go grocery shopping anyway, picked me up some TUNA…I haven’t had tuna in ages! I eat alot of salmon, I bought hot spicey mustard which I can add to it! Mmmmm…anything spicey!!!

She is soooooo inspirational, only because I also believe it comes down to choices. I have been making unhealthy ones for years…hence, my fat arse is on BB.com to fix that problem once and for all.

I like her use of the word "treats" and not meaning "cheats"  by using that word.

It is so great to see people like her on this site for those of us that have been making excuse after excuse of why we fail…we all know the truth…but don’t want to admit it, after reading her website from cover to cover, er…website page to website page…I made a decision to always ask myself the question "would a BB.com champ eat that cookie? Would a BB.com champ miss a workout? Would a BB.com champ make excuses or give up?" because that is what I consider people like chickentuna to be…Champions in living a healthy lifestyle.

What a great member to have here.

Thank you Chickentuna! Love ya girl! 

There are soooo many inspirational people on here, she is just one person here that I found spoke to me through her words…I am sure there will be many more on my journey on here…it is always an eye opener for me when i visit BB.com to find  yet another…SUCCESSFUL story, of someone who DIDN’T give up! 

Thank you all you wonderful people on BB.com!!! 

I thought I’d make a youtube video for you all…

Here is the translation below…incase you don’t speak CLUCK!

This is brownbikerCHICK-HEN…I have grown brown feathers and turned into a chicken from eating eggs and chicken every day! Please help! SEND me fish…!!!

"Did you load up on the Reese chocolates again yesterday?" 

Was the first question L asked me when I met him for our Sunday Leg day workout session.

Me: Nooooo!!! (hmmmm…should I tell him about the 3 donuts I had a work last night?…better not, its not lying its just he didn’t ask did I "eat anything I shouldn’t have" ) 

And plus I hate the DISAPPOINTMENT slash WHAT DID I TELL YOU look he gives me!

 I have vowed to be good! I promised myself to be good with my eating and no more binging! I don’t know why but every diet I have every tried it seems I do great for 6 weeks and then I lose control or completely give up…hence the YO-YO that I am…but not this time. After seeing so many profiles on here of people that "made it" I am so determined…There are so many great profiles on here and I visit them when I get that that fleeting "I’ll never make it moment" Don’t worry it is short lived… 

I want to get to that FAME stage so bad! It is all consuming!!! I even dream I am exercising, no wonder I am exhausted some mornings!! i have never been a morning person anyway, but its worse when you are sleep deprived because you’ve been at the gym all night!!

A special shout out to Kulzor…YES! Reese’s Chocolates are my biggest weakness (peanut butter cups…mmmmmm)…my kryptonite!! LOL!!! You’re hilarious!

 So it’s Monday with L…I have the trainer for the workouts, now I am ready for the diet part. I am buying Oleysa Novik’s nutritional services on OliciousLife.com…now I have all the bases covered! Can’t fail now!

In two days I have eaten a bag of Reese Bites (the little bite size balls of peanutbutter covered with chocolate, and a donut and a couple of small round Lindt chocolates!!! I am guilty!! That is 1500 calories of sweet junk in two days…1500 calories I now need to burn off in the gym over the next 3 days…to get back on track!

Why can’t I resist? Ok I will not beat myself up too much…one major cheat like this in the last 6 weeks it was bound to happen after not cheating at all for 6 weeks.

I must move on…and forward. It’s done, there are no more left and it is out of my system.