Random Ramblings

ITs 3:30, and I’m up-big surprise. I dont know what it is with me lately, but I’ve been unable to sleep for the past few weeks. I know I’ve got a lot on my mind these days, as far as money/debt, getting back into school, figuring out what I want to do with the rest of my life and so on and so forth. I’ve finally come to the realization that I need to change. I keep thinking back to how things used to be, how I was, how I loved to take care of myself, you know, get manicures and pedicures, get my hair done, go shopping…and now its like I’m the last person on my list. I guess thats general mommy syndrome, take care of everyone else and put yourself last. Well, you see where thats gotten me-overFAT, depressed, armed with all the knowlege in the world but lacking the motivation to take action. So tonight while laying in bed I decided that this is it, I have to love myself again. I cant keep working myself into the ground trying to put food on the table. I cant keep putting everyone’s needs above my own. Its not that I dont care about my daughter or my boyfriend, I love them more than anything in this world, but I gotta do this for me. If i sit here and keep thinking about how things used to be then I will only sink further into depression and be no good to anyone….

I want this change, this transformation, so badly, but truth be told, I’m scared. Scared of failure, afraid that when it gets hard I’ll quit like I normally do. I’m afraid that when I’m at work surrounded by food I’ll succumb, thinking, "what harm will ONE fry do? I’ll just work out later." and then never make it to the gym at all. My boyfriend has no faith in me, because he’s seen time and time again when I’ve started something and quit. So I set out on my own, dying to convince myself that I’m not a quitter, that I can adopt a healthy lifestyle, that I can find the love of the gym that I had only a year and a half ago. I used to spend 3 hours in the gym everyday….During track season, I’d lift twice a day in addition to practice-had shin splints so bad I could barely walk-but I kept at it because I loved the feeling of working out….and now I can’t even make it across the street to run a few laps. But you know, that changes today. It has to. If not for me, then for my little girl, so she can grow up knowing the right way to live-not sitting in front of the tv or playing video games or sleeping all day. I’m gonna do this. Thanks for listening guys.

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