breessaint35’s BodyBlog

GOD HELP ME GET THROUGH THIS TIME OF HURT AND PHYSICAL PAIN…

I have degenerative disk disease. And a bulging disk. All I ever wanted to do was play on the team that I created… I worked two solid years on making that ****ing team, and now I have to pass my position on to my VP. I have no doubt she’ll do a fabulous job, but all the same, I’m ****ing jealous as hell that she gets to take control over it and be everything that I was. In fact, I kinda am a little sorry for her… She’s taken on my responsibilities as well as her previous ones. They are having a officer’s meeting and that will finally replace my position as Captain and President of the club.

It hurts. It pains me emotionally to go out to the pitch and not be able to run or tackle, but only instruct from the side lines. I’m terribly upset at the notion of not being that motivation for the girls to look up to. I just want to help.

I’m going to be coaching a HS girl’s rugby team, so that will be cool. It won’t be the same. I’ll get paid for it and earn some extra buckage, but it will be totally different bc of my crippled back. I love rugby more than any other sport that I can think of, and it rips me open to let all of this slip through my fingers through no fault of my own.

I’m losing more fat. Staying the same weight. Gaining muscle. Looking better…

I still don’t think I’m good enough. I HATE the fact that I’m so insecure. I don’t know how to change it besides just FAKING that I am secure with my body and image to everyone and them just NEVER FINDING OUT.

I am a rather genuine person, but when it comes to self image… I def have a different idea of whats REAL or not, you know?

I have been undergoing a lot of changes, mentally and physically. I have gotten more outgoing (scary for someone like me, who is already pretty "out there" ;P) I have gotten a lot better grades at my uni and my GPA is slowly recovering from the 1.8 that I made my 2nd semester of my freshman year. That 1.8 cost me my trip to Greece that I wanting to go on in May 2009 for study abroad. That was the hardest year of my life and I can’t believe things are going so well for me right now. I have a great current that I love and care for, my dad is amazing, financial aid came through in a pinch, my grades are really good and I’m actually focusing enough to skate by with some pretty good grades. My mom is goign through menopause, thus, I do NOT get along with her and it i pretty terrible to be around her most of the time. I escape and go to my bf’s house… I don’t really know if he’s sick of me yet, but I can’t get enough of him. Meh. THE MAN POINT OF THIS THING IS… I love life right now and I love sharing with people that need to know that the world CAN be good, if you make it that way.

ok ok ok… I’m done now! I just had to express my feelings…

I’m not as fat as I was. I’m still overweight, but if I get too much thinner, I will look unhealthy. I’m getting tighter and more toned in all the places I want and I want to thank lifting and running everyday for that. I train so much it’s almost ridiculous, but the friends you make while in the gym are so cool. hahaha. I actually met my current bf at my hometown gym. YEAH BUDDY!! Oh, Ronnie Colemen…

I love rugby, but I haven’t been able to go as much this semester because of work . It legit makes me sad, but I get A LOT of studying done. Tonight I work, after I cram in a workout and practice, so I will be piss tired after I get off at midnight. Boo.