Memoirs of a reluctant Bulker

Have you lived? 

Have you chosen to make a positive difference? 

Have you considered that your days are numbered? 

Have you wondered what your co-workers will say when you’re gone? 

Have you contemplated the higher meaning? 

Have you considered that we live on a floating rock? 

Have you ever wondered why? 

Have you lived on the edge just once? 

Have you taken a chance lately? 

Have you wasted time worrying? 

Consider the following tips for living: 

Take an ice cold shower! 

Just flat out run as fast as you can as far as you can, next chance! 

Lift as much weight as you can for each of your exercises the next time you go in the gym! 

Say “hi there” to everyone you see for an entire day (yes, even the Circle K clerk)! 

Spend 30 minutes staring at the stars tonight while pondering how it is, we are….. 

Remember your first best friend and consider the reasons why they were your best friend…. 

Do something dangerous, like drive to the store and back in just your underwear and sandals….. 

Rather than going into work on Monday with a “just here to do my job and go home” attitude, strive to do everything you do as well as possible….. 

Waive at, possibly say, “thanks and nice job” to, either the first military member or police officer you see…. 

If possible, randomly call your parents or children and question, “What do you think happened to the dinosaurs?” 

Seriously contemplate how it felt to actually live without cars, computers or cell phones…. 

Wonder what it would be like to actually live in a war torn country, where there is military fire and buildings blowing up on your block, each day….. 

Fast for a day. 

Stay up for 24 hours straight. 

And last but certainly not least, 

Get up one morning before sunrise, drive to the coolest place you know with your Starbucks of course and just watch the Sun rise, while contemplating, how it is, we are….. 

Bodyauditor out! 

Parting shot: 

What does it mean: Life? Toiling away in mediocrity? Being a number? 

Or, making a difference, each day. Striving to do the best with what we have, while remembering to be happy wherever we are. 

If I’m not happy where I’m at, what are my chances of being happy where I want to go? 

Is there really an “unfixable” situation? 

Is being happy regardless of the circumstances really a choice….. 

I have systemically read many times over the past few days the question:

-Can I build muscle and lean out, all at the same time?

Folks, for many reasons, the answer is a resounding, No! Save for the following situational exceptions:

1. You have decided that taking steroids/GH is an acceptable (all be it non natural) mechanism for assisting you with your appearance or short term physical goals.

NOTE: I mention appearance and short term physical goals, as for the most part, steroids and even GH have (at this point anyway) been determined to produce several unwanted side effects (sometimes, years later) in addition to the one or two desired effects you most likely are seeking as a result of their usage.

2. You are that genetic freak that all of us has either known, or we currently do know. The type of individual who does the following:

-Eats doughnuts, candy, pizza and generally crap all day, all the time.

-May work out once in awhile, and when they do, they can lift twice as much as you can even though you workout all the time.

All that and they still carry that shredded muscular appearance, all the time….

NOTE: These people are really aliens…don’t be fooled!
 

3. You are a retired person with really nothing else to do in your life, except for eat, workout and collect your stool and blood samples in order to meticulously analyze the contents and subsequently apply your findings back into your diet and workout routine, then re-analyze, re-apply, re-analyze, etc. etc. etc. (terminal loop, with diminishing gains)

NOTE: This analysis is necessary in order to determine your uniquely perfect anabolic scenario (the ever changing and allusive state at which your body has the perfect amount of nutrients, stimulation and rest in order to achieve muscle hypertrophy).

So in conclusion…

If you are looking to build muscle:

-Bulk during the winter months when you’re showing off all of those new sweaters you spent your entire life savings on, anyway.

If you are looking to lean out:

-Cut out the carbs and processed foods all while increasing your protein and healthy fat(s) intake leading up to Summer.

NOTE: I’ve followed this type of cycling for the last twenty years of my life and it has resulted in an additional fifty pounds of lean muscle. Additionally, I’ve watched many folks toil away in mediocrity year-after-year, trying to build lean muscle only without gaining an ounce of fat, all while losing muscle and ultimately burning out completely.

Parting shot: Lift big, eat big, stretch the shirtsleeves……then eat small, lift a lot and take the shirt off!! Rinse, repeat, and enjoy the extra muscle. Great things, take time…enjoy the ride.

Remember: If you’re not helping, you’re part of the problem!

Bodyauditor out………

Dear Mr. Bodyauditor,
My current situation is quite stressful, and possibly more than anyone person should have to handle:

-My boss is arrogant and flippant

-I work like 10 hours a day, five days a week

-Traffic stinks

-My car is old and only has a CD player (I really would appreciate Satellite radio)

-And I’m having a hard time sticking to my diet

Signed,

Stressed out

RESPONSE:
 

Good Afternoon Stressed Out,

Three facts for your consideration:

-Today, there are two astronauts performing maintenance on the Hubble telescope (a multi-billion dollar project) up in space, 350 miles above sea level, with massive suits and gloves on that will protect them from the negative 455 degree temperatures, all while hoping they are not instantaneously obliterated by space debris travelling at speeds in excess of 17,500 miles per hour.
 

-Yesterday, three people lost their lives during a freak tornado/thunderstorm that blew through Missouri. Along with the loss of life, dozens of homes/structures were totaled and thousands of structures lost power for several hours. Today, the subsequent homeless are picking up the pieces and rebuilding by any means necessary….

-There are over 3.2 million refugees in Somalia right now, living in the desert, fending off diseases you and I have long since forgotten about, struggling to survive on grains of rice each day who still appreciate the opportunity to wake up each morning….

Hope this helps put things into perspective.

Signed,

The thankful Bodyauditor

Pondering deeply my Valentines Day state,

Chocolate, of the dark variety, I receive from my mate!

Sexual vibes permeate the breadth of my body,

Excitement derived from pink colored cotton adorning my Woman-Hottie!

Hhmm, all so tempting and alluring,

No sense in denying!

The decision is this:

Passion and lust for sweetness, both physical and emotional are my crux!

Might the correct course instead be, oh well…just a Starbucks!?

Happy Valentines Day!

Shall we contemplate the how’s of the world? Nay!

What then, is worthy of our precious time? So short it really is!

Why, is the quesiton.

Do not toil, contemplating how the journey has transpired: Consider why the journey commenced!

There is no value in answering how, as the ‘why’ of a process provides the vital mechanism necessary for success!

How did we get here? Think not for a further moment: Why we are here, is the real question!!

Parting shot:

-Do not be led astray by the nay sayers: For your allegiance gives them creed! Rather, be the positive beacon today: Lead the lost, forge the way, make a difference! For in the end, your time will not be measured by complacency, Nay! Time measures difference: Be positive, inspire improvement! - BodyAuditor  

So this past week I received my “first ever” shipment of online ordered supplements: Protein bars. For the past 25 years I have been buying supplements from one place exclusively, for the most part: GNC. Typically the bars I have purchased from them have been anywhere from bad to decent to just alright. 

Now, let’s face it, protein bars over that time have made significant improvements. Anyone with me on this, when I say all protein bars pretty much used to taste like a card board stick? C’mon didn’t they? Is there anyone out there who used to actually enjoy these bars of necessity that had to be choked down just because they were high in protein? 

NOTE: If you answered yes to the last question, hhmm, there may be no help for you. Sorry, I know this might be a tough moment for you and that this knowledge changes everything, but hang in there, science is advancing each day!! 

Back to the point right? Okay, well I moved to Sierra Vista, AZ about 8 months ago and have really been struggling to find a place to buy my four to five boxes of protein bars I consume each month: bouncing back and fourth from one GNC in Tucson to another. And for the most part, finding myself relatively disappointed with not only the selection, but the freshness date: Most being right up against the eat by date. 

So, two weeks ago, I made the decision to get on Bodybuilding.com with intent to just go ahead, pull the plug and see what this ordering supplements online is all about. 

NOTE: Up until moving to Sierra Vista, I lived in Phoenix (where it can get up to 137,000 degrees on any given summer day, and therefore was always a little leery of ordering bars that may sit outside my door for any amount of time. Bars + 137,000 degree temps = Liquid protein goo: Not good! So, nonetheless, I never attempted the online ordering process. Since Sierra Vista’s climate is much milder than Phoenix (think San Diego, honestly!), if my bars had to sit outside after delivery, they’d probably be okay. 

At any rate, I ended up ordering three boxes of Detour, Deluxe Whey protein energy bars and one box of MET-Rx Colossal Brownie bars and folks, let me tell you………Ready? 

Honestly, it has been one of the BEST experiences of my consumer based life!! Seriously…I don’t usually tout too many things, but this experience has been so enjoyable from start to finish that I just had to write about it. The things I experienced: 

-Easy online ordering experience 

-Had an issue with the billing address (my bad) and Bodybuilding.com emailed me immediately to remediate the situation (quickly and painlessly!) 

-Shipment arrived within three days 

-Order was correct 

-I received a thank you for my business email, calling me an “awesome customer” 

-The bars are (ready for this) fresh off the production line 

-No, listen to me…..these bars are literally right out of the plant…the Smores flavored bars are so fresh, the marshmallow-ee stuff in the bar literally strings out of the bar with each bite (kind of like a melted marshmallow does when you are camping out and roasting marshmallows!) 

-Folks, these are the best bars I have ever consumed….Seriously!! Who knew freshness was the key to an excellent tasting protein bar? 

-Billing was accurate and expedient 

-Bodybuilding.com actually sent me two bonus items, just for ordering: A muscle measuring tape (which is actually very cool and much easier than a seam tape), and a pack of Monster Milk protein 50 mix 

Parting shot: Bodybuilding.com will be the only place I shop for supplements from here on out. Not only did I find the products, flavors and availability I desired, but the customer service experience, was well, quite frankly, AWESOME! So rare, in these days of “zero customer service,” from most places of business. 

Parting shot #2: Look at the world through the eyes of a child today, and you’ll realize what you’ve been taking for granted! 

Good Morning Sierra Vista!! (Yes, that was a Good Morning Vietnam reference and I’m just not really sure why I chose that one…..Some things are probably best left unknown, yes?

I’m currently in the middle of a bulking phase that has taken me from 195 and 10% bodyfat up to 220 and 16% bodyfat: The ultimate goal by the end of November is to be no more than 20% bodyfat at 235 pounds. Folks, this has been no easy task! Sure, I’d love to say that the Twinkies, cookies, Roast beef and Swiss sandwhiches, Pizza and Waffles are not getting old, but I just can’t do it. And with that, the following are few things of note from my current bulking session:

-Yesterday was football Sunday and since I am bulking, here was a perfect chance to maybe pack on a few pounds: All in one day! I consumed the following: Pancakes, muffins, butter, syrup, Orange and Grape juice, Pretzels, Cheese dip, Potato and Tortilla chips, bean dip, Apples, Oranges, Grapes, Kiwi, cream cheese and marshmallow fruit dip, Four hamburgers, 10 chicken strips, french fries, tater tots, Buffalo wing sauce, pizza, M&M’s, Snicker’s bar, lots of coffee and lots of diet soda. Am I paying the price today you ask? Sweet Mercy and Heaven help us, I feel like a Water Bison fresh off a days worth of mowing down sixteen acres of prairie grass followed by ingesting 470 gallons of fresh spring water….And for those of you not savvy to what that might feel like: I’m VERY bloated!!

-I ended up gaining three pounds yesterday

-My pants feel like the ones I used to wear in Elementary school: Tight and uncomfortable…..Sadly, they probably look that way too.

 -At 223, I’m actually looking forward to this bulk ending, but rest assure my good citizens: I will continue to move the food in large single sitting portions, in order to reach my goal of 235.

In closing and coming soon to a theater near you: Fat guy in a little coat before pics and Very shredded guy in tiny Speedo after pics!

Parting shot - Don’t worry about trying to change yesterday in order to make tomorrow better: Focus on Today, change the things you can, and be able to answer yes to the question, "Did I make a positive difference today?"

So you think that you’re lonely and that the world is out to get you? Seemingly everywhere you turn and everyone you encounter; the clerk at the minute market, the lady doing your dry cleaning, the teenage punk who washes your Beemer and walks FuzzBucket, your pink Standard Poodle everyday is out to get you: Is looking to make you a victim in one capacity or another?

Well, while I sympathize with your plight, it’s most likely not in a capacity that you will appreciate. And with that, the WARNING must ensue:

-Warning: If you are easily offended, have a phobia that suggests each and every person on earth is out to get you and you’re comfortable with this position, and have a severe penchant for the easy way out (every time), then you most likely should stop reading at this point, for the pen master responsible for the ensuing ramblings, does not hold any of these same intricacies, and furthermore, actually suggests that these traits are the result of choices one makes as they progress throughout life.

-Anti Warning (and I understand that many people become uneasy with Anti Warnings, so please, no hate emails): If you love to bash the bashable; if you love to poke fun at the lazy eyed individuals of the world; if you are a doer or an accomplisher; you feel the hard and smart workers of the world became that way because of smart choices they made, and if you have a strange fascination for doing laundry (don’t ask, it’s better that way), then read on my like-minded moving and shaking citizens of the world….Because yes….oh yes….Are you ready?………This Blog’s for you!….Get it? This “Blog’s” for you? Never mind……….

Get started already?

Can you handle the truth?

Do you love you some punishing writing?

Yes?

Then read on, for my top ten ways of dealing with self proclaimed victims who are currently and most likely operating in one capacity or another in and / or near an occurrence that has, is, or will be happening within your life.

Top Ten Victim remediation processes:

1. Listen to their story, then just flat out say, “Dude (or dudette), you absolutely are a loser!”
2. Punch the identified victim in the face while they are eating…(I love this one)
3. By wearing a t-shirt every so often that simply states, “You are a loser!” your chances of keeping most victims from even trying to communicate their lowly cause to you are increased by 33%.
4. While said victim is pathetically feeling sorry for themselves, blow your nose rather loudly, or burp as loudly as possible. Many times this drives the victim further in to self-doubt. Therefore even they begin to question their story: Subsequently they will retreat to work on ways to make their story even more sad and depressing.
5. As a contingency plan for the rare cases where number 4 does not work, a well timed, thunderous flatulation will many times be just the ticket. However, this step may also drive many of the desirable people you want in your life away as well. So, please only utilize number 5 in extreme victim remediation situations.
6. After listening to the victim’s entire pathetic situation, indifferently look at them, smile, and then calmly say, “Wow, I’m sorry, were you talking? I didn’t hear a word you said.”
7. The “One Up” game is always fun to play with these individuals. IE, they tell you about their boss who has it in for them, so you tell them that your boss is the devil…no really, actually the devil. Or, they tell you that their girlfriend is cheating on them, so you tell them, hey that’s ironic because my girlfriend tells me she’s cheating on her boyfriend with me….And yes, of course when they tell you their girlfriends name, you act very nervous and look around the room for a few seconds as if you are looking for an answer before rapidly blurting out, while smiling….Oh, well that’s not my girlfriends name! Another warning here however: Victims are typically very good at this game, so please be prepared to have some free-time set aside if you choose number 7.
8. Listen to victim’s entire story, then laugh loudly, wipe away the tears of laughter and then blurt out, “that’s the funniest thing I’ve ever heard. You my friend are a riot!” before turning and walking away while continuing to laugh…..Nope, they won’t come back.
9. Don’t say a word while they are telling their story: Stare blankly at the wall directly behind them (a bit of drool allowed to gently stream out the side of your mouth may be a nice touch), and then about half way through their story begin to lightly make snoring noises. Depending on whether or not the victim continues with their story, gradually increase the decibel level of your snoring. They’ll eventually come to the understanding that you have the innate ability to sleep with your eyes closed. As a bonus, by successfully completing number 9, you most likely will become a part of the victim’s story they’ll tell to their next unfortunate audience.
10. Listen to victim’s entire story, shake your head knowingly, look around the room suspiciously before saying, “Don’t worry sir, I won’t let the aliens get you.”

Parting shot: When was the last time you remediated a victim? Well that’s too long! Enjoy life today, because tomorrow really never comes……    

Guaranteed? Say what, Smokey? What you be talking about, Willis?

That’s right folks: 13 hour guarantee for larger muscles! Sound too good to be true? Well, it might be. Sorry Spanky.

Interested however? Curious maybe? On pins and needles possibly? Enough already, the suspense is killing you? You were interested, but my rambling is causing you to lose interest fast? Enough already, just spit it out?………….

Alright here we go!

We’re sorry to interrupt this blog, but the following will be a test of the National alert preparedness system. This is a drill……….Again, the following is a drill:

BBBBBBBBBBBEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!

PPhffzzzlplap…………….Kurplunk…….
…..Klank……………Waaazzzzzz…………"Test, Test!"

"Can anyone hear me? It’s me the bodyauditor with some exciting news. Sorry to interrupt the paid for blog commercial you were reading: I’m sure whatever you were reading about, was probably really amazing!"

"Either way, I won’t take a whole lot of your time for this, I just couldn’t wait to tell you the good news regarding triceps. Look, it’s simple! The number one exercise for putting on the beef right there on the back of that ol’ arm, is quite simply:

Behind the back tricep dips, done between two benches. You know the one!

-Start: Position two benches approximately three feet apart, grab a hold of one with both your hands behind your back with your legs in front of you. Lift your legs up onto the bench in front of you and begin lowering yourself at the elbow. Do three sets of twenty with just your bodyweight to begin, and I promise you’ll feel a burn like never before: Both horrible and bilssful, all at the same time!

Advanced movement will look for your training partner to add plates to your lap as you are doing these dips. In my hay day, I would routinely have three 45’s positioned just right on my lap……Burn you ask?……..Sweet mother of mercy: Can you say, ecstacy!

Warning - Males especially: Use precaution when positioning any additional weight on your lap……..for obvious reasons!!

Look folks, don’t try to make your workouts into rocket science. It really is easy: FEEL A BURN: SEE THE GROWTH, SEE THE DIFFERENCE!

Welp, that’s about it for now…..back to your paid blog programming…………

SSzzz…..fzzaaaammmmppp…..plazzle, plazzle, boom, boom.

 And there you have it: Workout for 13 hours straight everyday of the week for two straight years and you will see results: Guaranteed!

Parting shot: Live life to its fullest today: You owe it to yourself!

The question was: "Do I love me some triceps?"

The time was: Right after a brutal Arms workout.

The answer was: "Yes, Ma’am, I do love me some triceps!"

The workout was simple: Biceps and Triceps supersets (I have always done arms superset style)

NEWSFLASH: Tonight on the 10 o’clock news……Breaking news report out of Sierra Vista! Follow the BodyAuditor as he literally brutalizes his arms!

Point of Duh!!!! That’s D-U-H for you people who are just joining us. It’s not difficult, it just requires heavy work and a bit of time….Read on….If you dare!

We interrupt this blog to bring you this special message from BodyAuditing systems:

"Hi, folks! I am the BodyAuditor and today I will reveal the true secret to building monster Triceps!"….Pause for flexing of triceps…And very big smile…You’ll also notice that we’ve added a somewhat corny, bushy 80’s style, feathered back, hair-do….

-Behind the back Triceps, Popeye style.

-Most muscular into a straight rear wrist Tricep shot, with a snap.

-and concluding with the "old-school" side Tricep shot….complete with huge smile….

"My friends, do you get teased at work and at the gym because you have tennis balls for biceps but then when standing relaxed and from the side; friends, family and from-afar admirerer’s are left to wonder, where is the beef?"

Camera break to show very large biceps, all freaky and complete with monster veinage. Camera pans out to the side while our arm model relaxes and subsequently allows the huge smile to fade into a frustrated look in addition to nodding his head in a knowing way.

"Wonder no more my triceps challenged friends because the solution is simple and easy: You have to work them HEAVY!"

Again, for those just joining us, that’s H-E-A-V-Y!

Arnold, no last name necessary (and no, not that Arnold), walks into camera view and with an excellent Austrian accent, states: "Hallo my fwiends! You must listen to my vedy guud fwiend, da BodyAudita! He vill pump you up!"

Paid impersonator leaves the stage and the BodyAuditor re-enters….

"That’s right, giant slabs of hanging arm beef can be yours, if you subscribe to my four part system for building triceps. It’s simple, it’s effective and it will bring on a full arrange of emotions. You’ll laugh, but not before crying: You’ll jump with glee, but not before cursing the BodyAuditor."

WARNINIG: The following four part system will be so shocking, many who experience and assimilate this information for the first time feel unexplained desires to immediately head to the gym or for an isolated few, a strange and to this point untreatable fascination for wearing Speedo’s and Teva’s to many of the places they once frequented like Malls, public parks, the golf course and / or laundro-mats. The BodyAuditor claims no repsonsibility for any subsequent acitons, but does add if the sudden and uncontrolled desire for visiting a laundro-mat is experienced, to please call him, as he would like to join you.

Step one: Focus mentally on the triceps (imagine they are a piston and your elbow is the joint: corny, yes. Effective: yes)

Step two: Blitz your triceps in the following manner during your arms workout (Bi’s and Tri’s always worked together)

-Week one: Supersets of Heavy skullcrushers followed immediately by heavy close-grip bench press. Do all sets to failure: Don’t quit until all three heads are feeling the acid and / or your shirt sleeves are ripping.

SIDENOTE: Just when you think your triceps have handled all that they can…..you still have two or three more sets left: You can’t work your triceps too hard…there really is just no such thing….The BodyAuditor himself has single handedly completed 20 or more of these sets during one session….Honest!

-Week two: Supersets of Heavy close-grip bench press followed immediately by behind the back (in-between two benches) triceps dips (have a friend put as many plates on your lap as possible and then strip off the plates during each sets). Do all sets to failure!!

SIDENOTE: DO ALL SETS TO FAILURE!!

SIDENOTE II: DO ALL SETS TO FAILURE!

BodyAuditor personal statement: "Friends, do all sets to failure!"

Step three: Eat like a beast….That is, eat like a beast who likes to eat clean foods (Chicken Breast, Spinach, etc.) And again, just when you think you’ve eaten enough….Eat some more! People, it’s clean eating…Get it while you can! When trying to rebuild biltzed, beaten and broken down triceps, I’d rather have too much nutrition than not enough.

Step four: Rest ‘em! Give those torched triceps at least three days of rest, and yes that means no presses!

BodyAuditor meanders back onto stage with a huge smile and overly styled coif, flexing first his left, then his right triceps….

"Folks in conclusion, it’s not hard, and at the same time, it’s not easy. It’ll be fun and horrible, all at the same time. You’ll want to beat me down, and shake my hand. You’ll want to puke and eat. It’ll be breathtaking and annoying. It’ll be the best and worst of times….It’s triceps or bust. Say it outloud with me:

"I want me some triceps, BodyAuditor!"

The audience screams with delight, especially the elderly (70’s and above) ladies as they grab up their four pronged walkers and slowly rush the stage.

"Goodnight my good people and besides remembering to control the pet population, remember to make a positive difference today, anyway you can!"