Warped Fireside Chats

Recently I recieved a PM from a fellow bodyspacer, and it sparked an idea for a recurring blog. I actually get many questions regarding what it is I do in regards to working out, diet and supplementation….And I do try the best I can to address these questions via comments. But sometimes, there’s just too much to say, and let’s just face it, 19 comments from my ugly butt, is not something anyone really wants on their page, correct? So, with that and the fact that some of these questions may be swirling around in other bodyspacers heads, I offer the first in an open blog Q & A forum!! This is where I will post some of the questions I randomly get along with my seriously slanted and most likely offensive answers from the side that I roll on….The hazy side!!

 BLANKET WARNING: The views posted forth by the originating typemaster can and most likely will be offensive, unnerving, off-kilter, haywire, hair-brained, borderline repelling and rage-inducing. However, all of the information found within this lunacy, is certified true, by the aforementioned typemaster, and therefore may offer some semblance of assistance to like-minded, fellow mentally-troubled souls….Happy reading……or NOT.

PM questions in Italics and my answers are in bold:

The following PM questions were recieved on 10-18-07 

"I saw that in your photos you bulked up, then cut weight.

I’m still learning on what to do. An when to do it.

Here’s my questions:
-When you bulk up. What do you do for sets and reps?"I do one set per body part per day….Each set taken to full muscle failure…Typically, I do drop sets and partials to accomplish this. My exercise selections are the basics: Bench, Deads, Leg Press, Calf press, Military press, Dumbell curls and close grip bench.

"Is it the same for every bodypart?"Yes, one set each per day and my workouts typically during a bulk take no more than ten minutes.

"Do you take any suppliments when bulking up?"The only supplements I am taking are Whey protein powder and Protein bars (Detour and MetRX exclusively). At times, I will take creatine (plain with grape juice) as this is one supplement that I have experienced success with.

"How long do you go for bulking up, before you start to cut?" Roughly, about four to six months depending now, on when I have a competition. In the past, I have bulked during the winter months and cut up for the summer months.

"What are some specific things you eat to help with bulking?"The basics for my Clean bulking diet are: Chicken Breast, Lean Pork, Lean beef, Turkey breast, Whole grain pasta’s and cereals, yogurt, Nuts (Almonds, filberts, pistacio’s, brazil nuts and pepita’s), assorted vegetables and fruits. I am also not very stringent about cheat foods: Pizza especially. I may have five to six cheat meals a week: I don’t cognizantly look to avoid them, nor do I cognizantly search them out.

"An basicly the same questions, but for when cutting weight.
Sets, reps?"With my emphasis solely on muscle refinement (shaping) at this point, I look to push as much blood as possible into the target muscle. Typically I’ll do anywhere from 15 - 20 sets with anywhere from 15 - 20 reps per set per body part and I rest no more than 30 seconds between sets.

"Do you use these set and rep numbers for everybody part you work out?"Yes. My workouts typically range from 45 minutes to an hour and I work out five days a week with two days off during this time.

"What do you take when cutting weight?" I do not take any supplements to assist with the fat loss. I do however drop most if not all carbs and replace them with healthy fats….Olive oils, Salmon, and lots of nuts…..

"How long do you cut weight before you start to bulk up again?" Again, before competing was a goal, I would bulk during the winter and cut for the summer.

"Do you eat anything special to help stay trimmed up?" I guarantee, if you follow a low to no carb diet while replacing carbs with healthy fats and increase your protein intake, you will not only get lean, you will stay lean.

"Please help me bro. I feel like i’m at a stand still and it’s frusterating me. I love working out, want to get bigger, and more tone." 

Hopefully these nuggets help you my friend and anyone else who may be contemplating the same scenarios. BodyAuditor out, peace to all…..And remember: If you’re not keeping it real, chances are, no one is taking you for real! 

As some of you may know, I began a bulking phase at the beginning of September and outlined my anticipated angle of attack (AOA) here in a previous blog. After sitting down and contemplating my wants and needs for an April 2008 contest goal, I put together a very complicated plan of attack: Lift heavy and eat ad nauseum (took along time to come up with that btw). Well that plan, somewhere along the way, needed to be re-evaluated (as all good plans do) and with that the following blog is dedicated to rambling incessantly about my workout and nutrition plan as it currently exists:

1. Lift heavy and smart

2. Eat clean foods ad nauseum

I know, there’s alot to take in here with these, very complex and highly thought out adjustments….

Interestingly, when I first started my bulk, I really thought that I was so ready to just start throwing down any and all food. I had been dieting for four months straight, eating very clean, and watching my portions. So, at the onset of my bulking stage, a percentage of my inner-self, known as "self," was screaming, "Look out good people and pay attention to your limbs, because if they are in the way at the dinner table, they may just get gnawed on a bit: I will not be held responsible."

SIDENOTE: Wouldn’t that be a great bodybuilding T-shirt? "Mind your limbs, I’m bulking!"

At any rate, while that was a portion of my thoughts, a greater part of me really enjoyed the feeling of being cut, having ripped abs, and feeling just downright healthy. With this internal debate going on, I determined that a decision needed to be made, before I could progress. Analyzing the pro’s and con’s of beginning consumption of any and all foods versus beginning consumption of mostly clean foods but at a majorly increased rate took all of about two seconds. Here’s my reasoning behind choosing the "clean bulk:"

1. No doubts about it, it is the healthier option

2. Seemingly more good nutrients versus good nutrients with crap nutrients would provide a more fertile breeding ground for muscular development

3. Because I’m an elderly fellow (38), it just seemed like keeping it somewhat healthy, was the more prudent option. I’m a firm believer in the adage: Eat crap, be crap.

So with my new plan in place I set out to do the following in regards to diet and moving the heavy stuff.

Basics for both DIET and WORKOUTS:

-As a busy realist with other life interests outside of bodybuilding, my program’s must (MUST) be realistic and flexible.

-Quality over Quantity

-Must be geared so bulking goals will be attained

DIET

Because of the necessity for flexibility and for keeping it realistic, I decided on day one that I would not count calories, but would make a consorted effort to make incremental increases in my daily portions, as well as add one to two extra meals / snacks a day. With that, my basic menu items include:

Whole grain pasta’s, rice’s, and cereals, potatoes, vegetables, fruits, chicken (white and dark), beef (very lean), pork (lean), splenda sweetened yogurt, Almonds, Filberts, Pepitas, Pistachios, whey protein powders, and a myriad of different Detour and MET Rx protein and food bars.

Gallons of coffee, water and diet soda……….Calm down, maybe it’s not quite gallons……..

And that’s really all there is to it, I eat roughly seven to eight times a day….and yes, I do throw down the food rapidly most of the time. I do try to eat as much fresh food as I can, and if it’s organic and not too much more expensive, that’ll be my choice everytime.

WORKOUTS

When I sat back and gave an honest assessment of my physique at the end of my last cutting phase, I determined that my legs, calves, chest and back really needed some added thickness. So, to attain that goal, I drudged up the old faithful system of training that has worked very well for me in the past: Heavy duty training. This is a type of system that predicates itself with the theory of less is more (in a nutshell). Mike Mentzer developed this type of training and Dorian Yates probably more so than anyone made it famous. Way back in the early nineties I read an article by Dorian, promoting this type of training and decided to give it a try. The results were excellent right from the get go. I immediately went up in all of my lifts and my muscular development was of the very obvious variety.

 My initial plan was as follows:

Workout five days a week with two days off, on a Chest, Back, Legs, Shoulders, Arms rotation. Complete four to five exercises per bodypart, with one working set for each exercise. Now, for those of you who do not know, Heavy Duty training promotes the one set theory which is basically:

With only one working set to accomplish, the body will  much more easily reach muscle failure during the one set than if mulitple sets are completed. My friends and "also-readers" let me assure you, that if you go into an exercise with the notion that you only have one set to accomplish, you will create so much more intensity during that one set than you could ever possibly HOPE for with mulitple sets. I don’t know specifically how it works, I just know it does. I much more so fry out my muscle during one working set than I ever did trying to accomplish multiple sets. "Alright, alright, where’s the stinking catch" you are asking, right? Well there is one….ready…..During that one set, total muscle failure must be reached. Given that a muscle must be broken down to grow, that part makes sense. And so, typically for me to achieve that, I do decending drop sets and partials. This is the type of training I have followed for all the past years during my bulking phases. Remember this type of training is for muscle growth, not muscle refinement.  

So with that in mind, I did a little more studying on the Mike Mentzer variety. And, his thoughts gear alot more towards recovery, and suggest accomplishing not just one set per exercise, but one set per body part. HHHhhmmm, now I’m skepticle. But, as I read the results of test subject after test subject, I decided that I would give it a try. With a couple of tweeks here and a couple wrench turns there, my workout program for the last month has looked just like this:

Reminder: Total muscle failure achieved during each set.

Day One……Back - One set of wide grip pulls and one set of deadlifts

Day Two……Chest - One set of incline bench and one set of decline bench

Day Three….Shoulders - One set of military press

Day Four….  Arms - One set of dumbell curls and one set of triceps extensions

Day Five…….Quads and calves - One set of Vertical leg presses and one set of vertical calf presses

Day Six……..Begin rotation again

I work on that rotation and do not take any rest days. My workouts take a maximum of 15 minutes per day and I am not doing any cardio, lest the dog walk at nights.

And the results are…….DRUM ROLLLLL…….

Weight : 202 pounds (up 12 pounds since September 1st)

Bodyfat : 12 % (Up 2% since September 1st)

All of my lifts have gone up, and my muscle density is seemingly also way up. So, for this one month evaluation, I give my current bulking cycle a two dumbells up!

That’s all for now….Please let me know if you have any questions or further thoughts regarding this type of bulking.

BodyAuditor out and please remember:  Bulking phase in session: please do not let your children feed the animal. 

In honor of the new video clip which references the movie 300 (posted on my sight), I dedicate tonights blog to those 300 men, women, children, infants, newborn babies, pet dogs and cats, lizards, lama’s, cattle, horses, iguana’s, fish and hamsters who valiantly fought off the impossible, in order to say at the end-o-the day, "Sir, the goats are safe!"

Our story begins at the War room, also known as the Holiday Inn express, with our hero’s preparing for battle……

The army of one ensured the sustanence levels were adequate (baked potato, turkey breast, spinach and carrots) before donning their battle gear: One pair of raspy twelve year old, dark Navy blue basketball shorts, a slightly newer, somewhat tight fitting Addidas running t-shirt, low-cut Nike black crew socks and a pair of disrepaired three year and four thousand walking miles old black slip-on Vans (yeah, the ones that irritate most people)….Lastly, the helmet of pride, the source of power on many levels: A very old and tattered Addidas San Antonio (yep, the newly crowned NBA champions of the world) SSSPPPPUUUURRRSSSS!!!!!! baseball hat.

Ready for battle, the batallion loaded up in the recently acquired 2007 Hertz Rental Toyota Forerunner (Thanks Gold Club) with six speaker / woofer stereo set-up. They punched up some Reno based ALICE, which was cranking STP (Stone Temple Pilots), and stormed towards the enemies known location: World Gym Carson City (WGCC)!

Mighty in presence, lowly in number, the motivated and focused force burst through the double glass doors of the WGCC and was suddenly slowed by the mystical female beauty which was peering at the disheveled back-slayer-brigade from above her computer. Motivation and determination was brought immediately to a halt, as the iron-maiden hand-gestured a commonly accepted universal symbol for "HELLO," which was reciprocated by the mighty authoritative force. The subsequent ten minute flirting session that proceeded was not only stimulating, but mentally enhancing as well. (whoops, what really happened was a serious verbal exchange, between two professionals, of vital information pertaining to the enemies location and their strengths…..that’s my story and I’m sticking with it!)

Refocused and newly energized, the group of men numbering in the just above zero and just below two number, stormed out onto the battle ground where it quickly assessed the threatening mechanical and iron nemisis’ that smuggly dared for the war to begin, one battle at a time. The enemy looked around, calculating it’s best defense and offered the following recruits for battle: The wide grip pull-down machine, the dumbell row, the close-grip smith machine shrug, the Hammer-strength seated lateral row machine, T-bar rows and the closer…..the Olympic DEADLIFT!

The war was bloody……extremely sweaty, and most probably smelly! One by one the battles were waged and fought. Only with extreme courage and a "never say die" attitude was the WAR actually won. The following is a first hand eye-witness account of the batttles that ensued.

"Hi, I’m Delbert P. Walthrop, and I just wanted to walk y’all through what I saw first hand tonight because it was unlike anything I have ever seen in my twenty year life span. This mighty force of surely thousands of soldiers just plowed through those doors right there…..see the ones with the glass in them, yep and they all crowded around that poor little girl up there working and actually spoke to her, before steamrolling through the section of the gym that houses the part-time wannabe athletes fancy machines and into, what we commoners refer to as, THE BATTLE ZONE. What’s that you ask?…….No, I don’t usually go in there as I might get hurt, but tonight I just had to see with my own eyes, what was gonna take place…I mean you should’ve seen it, tonight I saw raw fury and here’s the step-by-step rundown of what I witnessed…..see I wrote the details down in my pocket diary that I carry everywhere with me…..

The first battle started with the wide-grip pull-down machine: 6 x 30, 25, 20, 10, 8, 5 (pounds: 130 - 245) It was an impressive display, if I do say so myself….. I got tired and scared just watching….

The enemy then proceeded to launch dumbell rows at the poor group of mighty warriors, who responded with 4 X 15, 12, 10, 8 (pounds: 45 - 95) that was a clear win in my book…but the battle continued…..

I really couldn’t believe what I was seeing to be quite frank, because not only was the clearly overmatched group of men seemingly winning the battles, they were doing it in less than thirty seconds between sets….I know, I know, psycho huh? At any rate the next battle took place over there with close grip Smith machine shrugs: 8 X 20, 15, 12, 10, 8, 4… (pounds: 135 - 295) this was a really impressively won battle because there was some serious grunting and major clanking going on here.

Next the two foes battled it out at the Hammer strength seated lateral row machine: 4 X 15, 10, 8, 6 (pounds 90 - 170) I could tell that the war was nearing a close here, because both sides just looked like they were getting tired or something…..

The war however, continued superset (Yeah, SUPERSET) style with T-bar rows and the grand daddy funk master of all the exercises….DEADLIFTS: 6 X reps to failure with various pounds for both exercises. The last and final set was 135 pounds on the Olympic bar for deadlifts and as a burn-out, thirty (THIRTY) reps were completed! Full reps…..

And that’s all there really was to it, both sides just kind of petered out after that. I’m guessing they both just considered it a draw because it ended with the same abruptness as when it began. The battalion stopped at the front desk on his way out and exchanged about ten minutes of pleasantry’s with that HOT GIRL, I mean with the kind girl that works at the front desk and then they was gone….That’s it, end-o-story."

On the road workout rating: 9+

Emergency Carbohydrate diet post: I have decided to add a few complex carbs to my diet this week as I have been feeling flat……updates will be posted along with my nightly muscle smackdowns!

Good night and thank you Carson City…..T minus three days till mission complete. Stay tuned for the next episode of the World Gym workout: " A World Gym leg tale."

Continuing with my quest for the ulitmate two weeks of, mind-blowing, muscle-blasting, euphoric-inducing, iron-moving, I drove to the World Gym Carson City at 930 PM (Yep, I’m a non-sleeper….averaging anywhere from 4 to 5 hours on a good night). Sometimes my own personal sleep deprevation thing can be a curse (for obvious reasons, I would suppose) but at other times, such as being the only one in the gym, it can be a blessing. At any rate, I very much looked forward to blasting my back tonight, as the World Gym is a large believer in Hammer Strength machines….and I do love me some Hammer Strength machine (let’s face it, you’ve got to love a machine that, if you know how to sit down, will blast the intended muscle to no end). So without further ado, here’s the routine I followed tonight. As a bonus for drudging all the way through my blog, I will include my hotel diet at the end.

As is typical, I started the night with wide-grip pull-downs as a warm-up 4 X 30 with 130 pounds.

The rest of my workout was completed with only thirty seconds of rest between sets and is done in an attempt to recreate the famous blood volume training sessions of Craig Titus.

Footnote: you will never find a better way to get a fantastic pump, burn the intended muscle, and force new growth if you are stagnant, than blood volume training.

Supersetted T-bar Rows (6 X 15 with 90 pounds) and Close grip barbell shrugs (6 X 15 with 225)

Hammer strength Iso-lateral pull-downs (8 X 20-10 with 275 - 140)

Dumbell shrugs (4 X 20 with 65 pounders)

Hammer strength Iso-lateral low pulls ( 6 X 15 - 10 with 180 - 90)

Super Tri-set: Wide grip pull downs, Low pulleys, and Matrix horizontal Iso pulls (6 X 15 with 160 - 80)

Workout time: 40 minutes

Workout rating: 8 plus.

While I had a pretty brutal workout, and don’t get me wrong as I was a frying when I left…I felt as though I could’ve put up a rating of ten, if I would’ve put on a little more weight and a pushed a few less reps during my beginning exercises. Oh well, whatcha gonna do, right? I can still feel the blood a pumping for sure. And at the end-o-the day, that’s what it is all about, yes?

 BONUS ROUND: for you folks still pluggin’ away….here’s my hotel based diet for the day.

10 oz. Turkey Breast fillet (microwaved, with one egg) It’s good, give it a try sometime.

3 oz. Leafy Spinach (a super food btw)

4 oz. FLAX PLUS pumpkin raisin crunch cereal

3 cups of non-fat yogurt with three scoops of weigh protein

4 oz. of Orange Juice taken directly after workout (for anabolic boost)

4 egg-white omelette with 2 oz. of leafy spinach and chopped almonds, filberts and virgin peanuts

2 Low-sugar DETOUR energy protein bars

Happy almost Tuesday to everyone, come back tomorrow for a recap of my leg-day…typically, I end up making myself sick on leg day due to the load I push and pull, so if you’re into reading about that sort of thing…first off, there may be no help for you, but secondly, maybe there will be some good reading just for you. Carson City……Good night and I love you……….

WARNING: The following is a rant of epic proportion, which might contain irritating language and embarrassing situational matter. The writer of this rant, offers self serving suggestions and irrational realistic thoughts regarding the most troublesome dining situations he experiences while on the road (OTR) auditing. Any convulsions or revulsions that might be experienced while reading the following cannot and will not cause any sympathetic feelings to emerge from the obviously irrational situational illustrator of this banter-driven literary device. Continue at your own risk, and remember, he / she who farts in church, sits in his / her own pew!

Without further ado, I start what I envision as an on-going blog-series of diet tips along with real life story-references to accompany my already on-going thought provoking, anger inducing Hotel workout blog-series which can be viewed in my blog archives.

A plug from a very well-known blog critic……

"They’ll leave you crying, laughing, screaming, angry, happy, stimulated then ecstatic: A real emotional roller-coaster," writes New York Times editor and chief, I. P. Frequently.

Situational occurrence: A real life event and epiphony, experienced while OTR recently….

 I watched the congealed mass of fat, salt-based spice and dinner salad meld into a slime-marsh right in front of my eyes: all the while becoming increasingly convinced that the artery clogging, spare tire inflating, and definition inhibiting, supposedly healthy alternative chicken platter I had ordered at TGIF’s, was probably not going to allow me progress towards my 8% BF goal. I vowed then an there that there had to be a better way as I, with surgeon-like precision, picked out the few un-fat-tainted slivers of lettuce and tomato that were potentially decent for consumption. Yes, a way that would not only allow me to maintain this hard-worked-for definition, muscu / vascu…. larity, but might even allow me the opportunity to get closer to my ultimate BF goal (Sweet Mother of paper-thin skin, do you know what I mean?). So, I set out to do the impossible: Find the answer to a society that is increasingly bent on ensuring that individuals who are forced to travel for a living will be fat, out-o-shape slob-like beings that send most women and children (some men) running in fear of being eaten or slobbered on. A system that dictates exorbitant levels of sodium, fat, cholestorol, and simple sugar in the foods we, because of the traveling situation, are forced to consume!

BREAK: A typical night at a typical restaraunt. (Pretty darn typical, huh?)

 "Let’s see might I have the Chicken Breast dinner (not to be confused with Chicken-Tuna) without the gravy or sauce: and the salad without the dressing?"

As I surmised the confused and scared look on the waitress, I realized that it would have been safer and easier to have stated the following instead:

"Hi, my name is The Rain-Man, and I recently opened up my skull and took my brain out, as well as any ounce of common sense I might or might not have had to begin with. I slur my speech, am generally un-articulate, bathe in my swimming suit and flip-flops, should probably never be left unsupervised and feel the need to wear a safety helmet and cup most of the time. Please forgive my lack of mental ability, but might I have a small cup of green tea that has been heated to four-hundred and one-half degrees, so that I may lap at it like a big wooly British Mastiff, swirl it around in my mouth like mouth-wash, swallow loudly, then complete the process with an obnoxious belch and most odiferous flatulant?"

Meanwhile, back at the ranch……

My answer to shear frustration came in the realization that yes, there are convenient and healthy dining alternatives while traveling. All I needed to do, was to just commit. So, I did!

To make the most of the opportunity, all I need is a refrigerator and microwave (Both items typically found in most hotel rooms nowadays….sweet). Now, don’t be fooled into thinking that this type of cooking and dining will ever be mistaken for authentic french cuisine: however, it is an answer for a healthy dining experience that really taste’s just on the other side of not bad. I have been following this type of diet on the last three road trips and am really enjoying the health benefits, as well as the low costs ivolved….who knew, right?

The following is a portion of my latest diet and dining experience I single-handedly pulled off while in Las Vegas this week:

A SAMPLING OF THE AUTHENTIC, "BODY AUDITOR OTR DIET"

Items for purchase at the local Supermarket:

20 oz. Turkey breast tenderloin - $ 4.99

12 oz. Fresh Broccoli and Carrots - $1.99

12 oz. chopped Almonds and Filberts - $3.99 (multiple applications)

2.5 oz. bottle of Mrs. Dash, Southwest Chipoltle (no sodium) seasoning (multiple applications)

Preperation:

Cook turkey breast, pasted with seasoning, in microwave for 6 minutes, stopping every 1.5 minutes for rotation.

Cook vegetables mixed with, seasoning, Almonds and Filberts in microwave for 2 minutes (this amount of cooking time will produce a crisp texture: cook longer and with added water is a softer texture is preferred.

Production results:

Three meals, each containing:

50 grams of protein

8 grams of carbohydrate

10 grams of mono / poly unsaturated fat (healthy)

20 mgs of Sodium

An extreme amount of Vitamin A and C

Diet benefit rating: AWESOME

Stay tuned for more AUTHENTIC BODY AUDITOR OTR diet blogs and be sure to check out the previous AUTHENTIC BODYAUDITOR OTR hotel workouts….

Next week, Portable grill creations and the hotel smoke detector!

It’s now been seven weeks since I started my "cutting phase," diet and the following are the highs and lows, in list fashion (because of time issues), regarding the experience:

1.  First week, low to zero carbs and low to no processed food: lost five pounds and wanted to bite people who flaunted their carb filled twinkie-esk type snacks, in the face! Was grumpy and for some strange reason, my kids and dogs didn’t come around much…hhhmmm….

2.  Second week, introduced Omega 3’s, almond, filber and pistachio mix for in-between meal snacks. Eliminated processed foods altogether, and ate only fresh chicken breast, pork, greens and veggies: Lost five more pounds and muscles were very flat. Still crotchety which is what presumably and continually kept the family folks and pets away. Unforeseen benefit: those annoying co-workers (you know the ones) also stayed away.

3.  Week three - five, diet stayed the same and for the most part, the lack of extra calories had me in a state of lethargy….more tired than angry now. Lost another five pounds (wasn’t so sure I liked this part….I love the mass) My workouts struggled and I lacked enthusiasm for them. However, some cuts were finally starting to make their way out of the dark gray fat lining that had masked itself as winter-insulation…. a couple of veins too….cool!

4. Week six-present: I am eating more protein now and alot more healthy fats, but my carbs are remaining at darn near zero…never more than fifty grams a day. Weight has stabalized at 205 and folks let me tell you something, over the last two weeks, my strength has actually increased and seemingly there are new cuts as well as new veins each day! The urge to consume carbs has even subsided….This is big news for the guy who would have probably considered selling his large toe-nail for a bowl of pasta five weeks ago. I also just flat-out feel more healthy now; my body just seems like it is running a lot better. My cardio which is typically thrity-forty minutes a day is a breeze and I really feel like I could probably go on forever. 

So, at this point, I’m actually enjoying the diet: And yes, I know this is strange (probably not legal) and I’ll probably wake up from the dream here at any moment. But for now, I’ll continue on and see what happens. Since my first contest isn’t until next April, I’m going to tinker a little by bumping the healthy fats even more. Who knows, maybe I’ll actually begin to increase the muscle size during this so-called "cutting phase."

To be continued……

As an auditor, I do a lot of traveling and with that, must attend lunch meetings quite often. Most times, the food that is made available, while most definitely tasty, is horrendous when it comes to nutritional value. I offer up as an example, the catered Italian fare provided for an all department meeting I attended today: Tube Pasta with Heavy Butter Sauce, Sausage and Peppers, Garlic Bread and Anti-Pasta Salad in (more than likely), full fat Italian dressing.

HHHhhmmm: not much for the dieting bodybuilder who is now seeing some nice vascularity and cuts. What a conundrum, yes?

Because I am not so sure of the right action here, I ask this tough question: Would it have been better to eat nothing, eat small portions of one or all of the items…..What should I have done?

As it often does, it shocked me when the numbers on the scale struggled mightily to reach two-hundred and ten pounds. Sure, I can look in the mirror and see that the cuts and vascularity which had long since left are grudgingly coming back, but it always is painful to see the scale going in a direction you are not necessarily looking for. Now, don’t get all weird on me and stuff, I’m gonna continue on with the leaning phase for a minimum of two more months, to see how lean I can get… All I’m saying is……’Oh bulking phase, Oh bulking phase….wherefore art thou, bulking phase?’

Absolutely, I am trying to lose fat! What other reason would a sane (this is probably debatable for reasons other than the diet, BTW) adult prepare and gratefully consume a giant troft of spinach greens, carrots, edema me, broccoli, snap peas, almonds, egg whites, and chicken breast a few times a day? And sure, the absence of 6,000,000 milligrams of sodium and 140,000,000 milligrams (might be exaggerated) of other ingredients used in processing, has me feeling like a newborn baby buried deep inside his Mama’s bosom, but HEY, I love getting BIG…BBBBIIIIIGGGGG (low-growly voice works best when saying last word)…BIG, is what I have wanted for ooohhhhh sssoooo long now. I’ve spent the last twenty-one years putting on fifty pounds of muscle all the while lifting the big weights. I love moving heavy iron…BIG IRON. It has defined me…..

 Yep, I love to scream loud and proud when moving some hefty steely-grained material in ways most……yes sir!! most individuals can only dream of. I still remember moving my first four-hundred pound bench press in the Air Force….Granted, it was at Grissom AFB and by many standards, a small base, but it felt good to be the bench press king for awhile. I remember pushing the heavy stuff back at Texas Tech University, in the REC at 1100 PM at night, when only a few twisted iron-freaks were still wreaking havoc on their already blistering with fire muscles. UUUURRRRAAAAHHHH, I’m getting the goose-flesh right now just thinking about those days (You too?)…..Great bonfire’s of Chicken Breast and Flax based cereal flakes, yes those chills and tingles are all up and down my spine and neck…..Euphoria central right here folks….That……that right there is what the heavy lifting is all about.

You scream, you look at the impossible, you clap your hands and watch the chalk fly all around you…..right before you take up that barbell (that is begging you to take some plates off it), and slam a few reps out with it. The tremendous thunderclap produced by the ungodly amount of weight falling back on to the poor bench, will make you an iron pushing addict for life!!! I AM SEETHING WITH UNBRIDLED PASSION RIGHT NOW….SO HIGH….SO ON FIRE…..WOW, MAMA GET ME OFF THIS CRAZY THING……Okay….coming down now……calming down…in with the good, out with the bad…..alright I’m back….sorry about that, I can’t help it sometimes.

Look, I’m all about the girls checking out my abs when I’m at the park, swimming in the ocean, running naked through the mall (whoops, that slipped out), or whatever, but I also love the tight fitting shirts, the big lifts and listening to co-workers who haven’t seen me in sometime say, “Holy Muscle builder Bat Man (they might not say that first part), what in the name of the African sparrow’s mating dance (or this) are you doing to get so big?” Yeah, that’s an ego-booster right there…..what can I say??

Welp, gotta go, there’s a giant troft of green stuff waiting for me, and OH YEAH, I am shaking with foamy mouthed anticipation……TBC…..

We had just spent the last five days out in the middle of Nowhere, Washington, learning how to: construct lean-too’s, set small animal snare’s, identify poisonous vs. non-poisonous plants, eating any bugs we could find,( in addition to the ONE Meal Ready to Eat (MRE) we were sent out with) and hiking a minimum of 10 clicks a day (10km). Survival training in Washington: Good times and a Serious apetite enhancer……natural and organic as well.

Beyond the almost pure torture that I experienced during this excruciatingly grueling five day ordeal, I learned that it is possible (just possible) to survive for a good amount of time without normal sustenance. Now, having said this, food does become something of a desire…an object that becomes your sole obsession. It gets to the point where it is the one….AND ONLY….thing that is talked about: when you wake up, when you’re hiking through the woods, when you’re setting your snare’s, when you’re building a fire, when you’re cutting branches, when you’re setting up a blind, taking down your lean-too, hunting for fire ants and pretty much during most of the day while you’re awake…..and then…..(you guessed it)……when you go to sleep at night, it’s all you dream of! Hooray FOOD!!!!

So, why does the title mention creamer packets? Well, I read alot on this site about how some cannot stand the taste of protein powders…….Let me tell you my friends…..I would probably have (oh I don’t know) taken my clothes off and done cartwheels through a crowded restaraunt or mall, if someone would’ve offered me protein powder on say, day four! Big statement?…..I think not! As a matter of fact, as some of you probably know, some MRE’s come complete with instant coffee, sugar, and creamer packets. And you better believe that those are as good as serious dollars, around day four!

I remember the moment well, my partner had kept his creamer packet on purpose (a friend had advised him to do so before our excellent adventure had begun) and being one awesome person, he broke it out and offered me half the packet……..Let me tell ya, at that moment, there was no debating about how it would affect my figure, or whether or not it was made of whole products, or whether or not it would taste good……It was not even a, "well, okay," or a, "sure, sounds good, buddy." It was a, "HELL YEAH DUDE, C’mon, what the (insert four letter explative here) are you waiting for?????"

Half a creamer packet!!

Folks……that was potentially one of the best things I have ever eaten in my life!! Hooray Creamer packet!