Memoirs of a reluctant Bulker

So you think that you’re lonely and that the world is out to get you? Seemingly everywhere you turn and everyone you encounter; the clerk at the minute market, the lady doing your dry cleaning, the teenage punk who washes your Beemer and walks FuzzBucket, your pink Standard Poodle everyday is out to get you: Is looking to make you a victim in one capacity or another?

Well, while I sympathize with your plight, it’s most likely not in a capacity that you will appreciate. And with that, the WARNING must ensue:

-Warning: If you are easily offended, have a phobia that suggests each and every person on earth is out to get you and you’re comfortable with this position, and have a severe penchant for the easy way out (every time), then you most likely should stop reading at this point, for the pen master responsible for the ensuing ramblings, does not hold any of these same intricacies, and furthermore, actually suggests that these traits are the result of choices one makes as they progress throughout life.

-Anti Warning (and I understand that many people become uneasy with Anti Warnings, so please, no hate emails): If you love to bash the bashable; if you love to poke fun at the lazy eyed individuals of the world; if you are a doer or an accomplisher; you feel the hard and smart workers of the world became that way because of smart choices they made, and if you have a strange fascination for doing laundry (don’t ask, it’s better that way), then read on my like-minded moving and shaking citizens of the world….Because yes….oh yes….Are you ready?………This Blog’s for you!….Get it? This “Blog’s” for you? Never mind……….

Get started already?

Can you handle the truth?

Do you love you some punishing writing?

Yes?

Then read on, for my top ten ways of dealing with self proclaimed victims who are currently and most likely operating in one capacity or another in and / or near an occurrence that has, is, or will be happening within your life.

Top Ten Victim remediation processes:

1. Listen to their story, then just flat out say, “Dude (or dudette), you absolutely are a loser!”
2. Punch the identified victim in the face while they are eating…(I love this one)
3. By wearing a t-shirt every so often that simply states, “You are a loser!” your chances of keeping most victims from even trying to communicate their lowly cause to you are increased by 33%.
4. While said victim is pathetically feeling sorry for themselves, blow your nose rather loudly, or burp as loudly as possible. Many times this drives the victim further in to self-doubt. Therefore even they begin to question their story: Subsequently they will retreat to work on ways to make their story even more sad and depressing.
5. As a contingency plan for the rare cases where number 4 does not work, a well timed, thunderous flatulation will many times be just the ticket. However, this step may also drive many of the desirable people you want in your life away as well. So, please only utilize number 5 in extreme victim remediation situations.
6. After listening to the victim’s entire pathetic situation, indifferently look at them, smile, and then calmly say, “Wow, I’m sorry, were you talking? I didn’t hear a word you said.”
7. The “One Up” game is always fun to play with these individuals. IE, they tell you about their boss who has it in for them, so you tell them that your boss is the devil…no really, actually the devil. Or, they tell you that their girlfriend is cheating on them, so you tell them, hey that’s ironic because my girlfriend tells me she’s cheating on her boyfriend with me….And yes, of course when they tell you their girlfriends name, you act very nervous and look around the room for a few seconds as if you are looking for an answer before rapidly blurting out, while smiling….Oh, well that’s not my girlfriends name! Another warning here however: Victims are typically very good at this game, so please be prepared to have some free-time set aside if you choose number 7.
8. Listen to victim’s entire story, then laugh loudly, wipe away the tears of laughter and then blurt out, “that’s the funniest thing I’ve ever heard. You my friend are a riot!” before turning and walking away while continuing to laugh…..Nope, they won’t come back.
9. Don’t say a word while they are telling their story: Stare blankly at the wall directly behind them (a bit of drool allowed to gently stream out the side of your mouth may be a nice touch), and then about half way through their story begin to lightly make snoring noises. Depending on whether or not the victim continues with their story, gradually increase the decibel level of your snoring. They’ll eventually come to the understanding that you have the innate ability to sleep with your eyes closed. As a bonus, by successfully completing number 9, you most likely will become a part of the victim’s story they’ll tell to their next unfortunate audience.
10. Listen to victim’s entire story, shake your head knowingly, look around the room suspiciously before saying, “Don’t worry sir, I won’t let the aliens get you.”

Parting shot: When was the last time you remediated a victim? Well that’s too long! Enjoy life today, because tomorrow really never comes……    

Guaranteed? Say what, Smokey? What you be talking about, Willis?

That’s right folks: 13 hour guarantee for larger muscles! Sound too good to be true? Well, it might be. Sorry Spanky.

Interested however? Curious maybe? On pins and needles possibly? Enough already, the suspense is killing you? You were interested, but my rambling is causing you to lose interest fast? Enough already, just spit it out?………….

Alright here we go!

We’re sorry to interrupt this blog, but the following will be a test of the National alert preparedness system. This is a drill……….Again, the following is a drill:

BBBBBBBBBBBEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!

PPhffzzzlplap…………….Kurplunk…….
…..Klank……………Waaazzzzzz…………"Test, Test!"

"Can anyone hear me? It’s me the bodyauditor with some exciting news. Sorry to interrupt the paid for blog commercial you were reading: I’m sure whatever you were reading about, was probably really amazing!"

"Either way, I won’t take a whole lot of your time for this, I just couldn’t wait to tell you the good news regarding triceps. Look, it’s simple! The number one exercise for putting on the beef right there on the back of that ol’ arm, is quite simply:

Behind the back tricep dips, done between two benches. You know the one!

-Start: Position two benches approximately three feet apart, grab a hold of one with both your hands behind your back with your legs in front of you. Lift your legs up onto the bench in front of you and begin lowering yourself at the elbow. Do three sets of twenty with just your bodyweight to begin, and I promise you’ll feel a burn like never before: Both horrible and bilssful, all at the same time!

Advanced movement will look for your training partner to add plates to your lap as you are doing these dips. In my hay day, I would routinely have three 45’s positioned just right on my lap……Burn you ask?……..Sweet mother of mercy: Can you say, ecstacy!

Warning - Males especially: Use precaution when positioning any additional weight on your lap……..for obvious reasons!!

Look folks, don’t try to make your workouts into rocket science. It really is easy: FEEL A BURN: SEE THE GROWTH, SEE THE DIFFERENCE!

Welp, that’s about it for now…..back to your paid blog programming…………

SSzzz…..fzzaaaammmmppp…..plazzle, plazzle, boom, boom.

 And there you have it: Workout for 13 hours straight everyday of the week for two straight years and you will see results: Guaranteed!

Parting shot: Live life to its fullest today: You owe it to yourself!