bodyauditor 
"Live life without regret, while maintaining a positive perspective regardless of the situation!"
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Archive for May, 2008
Saturday, May 31st, 2008
New to the iron? A veteran muscle head? Regardless of your experience level, have you ever stopped to think about what would constitute a perfect rep? Is it fast, choppy, smooth, easy, or fluent? Any of these things? Should one strive for as much range as possible, or are short bursts really all you need? These are the things that I have considered during the last twenty-two years of moving the iron…..I know: That makes me an old fart! I prefer: An experienced fart, however!
So, to build muscle, all you really need to do is just pick up something heavy and move it, yes? No! Believe it or not, the process of building muscle is actually quite the complex process, when you stop to consider all of the chemical reactions, neuro-transmitters firing, muscle movement, bone angular movements, tendons and joints working in perfect harmony, etc. Whoa, heavy stuff: Heavier stuff than I’m qualified to write about, so instead, let’s look at the basic mechanics for a perfect rep.
Regardless of which exercise you are looking to perform, there are bare minimum requirements for a perfect repetition. The following will be the first in a series for all exercises, starting with the Flat Bench Press:
Start – Firm grip, correct arm spacing (slightly wider than your shoulders), feet planted firmly on the mat in front of you, lats spread out, slight arch in lower back, chest and glutes taut.
Thought: Remember to visualize each movement before beginning. Think of how the movement will feel, and which muscles you are actually looking to utilize. Feel your chest muscles before beginning and imagine how the resistance will feel and ultimately what your pumped-up chest will feel like once you have completed the movement.
Movement –
- With or without assistance, push bar up utilizing chest muscle until it is off the rack or pins and situated directly over mid chest, stabilize weight and concentrate on working the chest muscle
- Once total focus has been directed into the chest muscle, begin to lower the bar by moving your elbows downward (this begins a weight transfer directly onto the chest) remembering to concentrate on the chest muscles. At this same time, the lats should begin to contract (this is not a fully efforted part of the movement, more so a default) and air should be brought into the lungs (inhale)
- Lower the weight all the way down to mid chest, keep a firm grip, expand the chest up to meet the bar (again, your lats contracting will assist with this)
- Once the bar touches the chest, explode the weight back upwards by pushing the elbows straight up, while moving air out of the lungs (exhale)
NOTE: Remember to explode the weight back up, but pacing should be a primary concern.
End – Once you have thoroughly exhausted your chest muscles (muscle group exhaustion should be the primary goal during each exercise performed), hold the weight above mid chest for a beat of ten seconds, while contracting the muscles as tightly as possible, then bring the bar back overhead, subsequently setting the bar back onto the rack or pins.
Rep note: Once the exercise begins all reps should resemble a mechanical piston: Fluent, not choppy or jerky. This is important, as our bodies were designed to move fluidly, consistently and gracefully. I understand that when moving the heavy stuff, no one really wants to think of themselves as “graceful,” but trust me this is the perfect way to complete any repetition. Watch any bodybuilding video or strong man competition where repetitions are getting completed and you’ll quickly see, that smooth and fluent are the standard.
Perfect rep key words to remember:
Fluent
Focus
Firm
Parting shot: Move it smoothly tonight: Make the difference you are looking for!
Next up: The wide-grip pull-down.
Posted in Training
Friday, May 30th, 2008
Rolled out of bed this AM, feeling heavy from the night before.
Bones aching, joints cracking, eyes red to the core.
Dehydrated, stomach upset, vision hazy, mental state: Poor.
Stumbled down the hallway, stepped on a scorpion, and went to the floor.
Cursed the cat, grabbed the hammer, turned the scorpion to a shell and gore.
Starbucks? Yes Ma’am!
Made it to the kitchen, pressed the coffee button and one snap later, the power went out.
Really? You’re serious? What the H is that all about?
Strolled outside in my BVD’s: To the breaker box, I meandered in route.
The elderly female across the street leered uneasily, as she stared down at Mr. Larry who was up and stout.
Slightly embarrassed and somewhat proud, I quickly hit the breaker, restoring power throughout
Starbucks: My best friend!
Stubbed my toe on the door jam, grabbed a cactus to stop the fall with my hand.
Hit the floor hard anyway, no real good way to land.
Brutus the dog, happy, unwavering in loyalty, offered to assist: Help me up to a stand.
Tough, unreal, painful, all wrong: A more off-kilter day, not sure one could have planned.
Starbucks: Dude, where are you?
Cellie blows up on the counter: its work, turns out, I’m late!
Pulled my trousers up and buttoned the polo, while shoveling eggs off the plate.
Looked in the mirror and laughed at my hair’s state.
Hit the chopper, popped the clutch and blasted through the back alley gate.
Starbucks: Rock me!
Times short, already late, bodies in pain, what a sight I’m sure I am.
Pegging the throttle, 120 through the 45, time to jam!
Stopped by the light: Obese business man in caddy eating burrito with spam.
Goofy Dunkin Doughnuts lady out pimping their fake coffee on the street: “Lady, I don’t have time for a sham!”
Starbucks: The real deal!
There it is, late although I am, the day WILL NOT continue until I get a “tall.”
I pull up to the drive thru, “Black, no room,” I call.
Green, white and tight: the girl serving it up right nearly causes me to fall.
I grab up the necessary elixir, take a sip……..suddenly, the day is not bad, at all!
Starbucks: Gotta get me some more!
Posted in Training
Saturday, May 24th, 2008
You want brutal?
You like pain?
Want to feel alive?
Tired of the mundane?
Try my new system that will,
Give you all that and more!
You’ll sweat.
You’ll suffer.
You’ll cry.
You may Ralph?
You will…..GROW!
You’ll come back for more.
Welcome to the……
The 500
Seven nights, 500 rep sets.
Night one:
500 reps of leg extensions with 135 lbs.
500 reps of calf presses with 150 lbs.
Next up, Chest.
Posted in Training
Friday, May 23rd, 2008
Ate a sandwhich with cheese last night
I thought it’d be alright
Now in my belly I feel all tight
With my belt this morning I had to fight
Sympathize with me and this plight
For now, my belly and chest oddly jiggle
My butts content to uncontrollably wiggle
My thighs remind me of thunder
Small kids point, laugh and I’m sure, wonder
I feel like a meandering blunder
With that, I’m inclined to ask, "Do I look fat?"…..
Posted in Training
Thursday, May 22nd, 2008
So my Grandfather, who was an iron worker for thirty something years, in addition to being an iron mover for most of his adult life, was an absolute brick house until the day he died at the age of 87. Indiscriminately stricken down with Alzheimer’s, this man who I admired greatly was not only a house built of carbide-tungsten steel, he had a mind-muscle that was as sharp as your local barbers sling blade!
Insert Sling Blade, reference: “Yep boy, I think I love ya!”
Note: If you haven’t seen Sling Blade the movie with Billy Bob Thornton, you owe it to yourself to rent this challenging and thought provoking movie. And Billy Bob, if you’re reading this, might you have a couple of bucks lying around that I could borrow?
Now, back to the words and stuff…..
It was sad to watch a brilliant man (my Grandfather), one who could engineer just about anything a person might dream of, wither away down to just a shell: Flesh, muscle and cognition of the moment only. With that, the one thing I will always remember about those last few days, was how tremendously muscular this man still was, even given the illness that was ravaging his mental and some physical functions.
I loved his stories about the good ol’ days, sitting up 90 stories in the sky, hanging out with his buds on break, in between hours of just flat-out moving some serious weight. They were old school iron workers. Screw the mechanics: Brawn reigned supreme. It was not about who could opt out of the most work (like much of today’s workforce), it was about who could work the hardest!
“Moving the iron my friend, moving the iron,” was the typical response they gave each other when asked how things were going. So, in part two of my five part homage to my Grandfather and his iron-working work-ethic I give you, a chest named, “En Fuego!”
Pre-workout note: In the same tradition as iron workers who started moving iron in the morning and finished up in the evening moving iron, with breaks being rarer than hen’s teeth, I suggest anyone attempting this workout, do so without break. The burn is the gauge by which your effort level will be measured.
Remember: High burn – High results! En Fuego baby! That’s what it is all about at the end of this workout…..
Continue at your own risk:
Warm-up set:
Dumbell flyes – 3 sets of 20 reps (C’mon now, do ‘em wide and feel the stretch)
1st working plex (Superset)
Wide grip barbell flat bench press – 3 sets of 15
Knurl-bar close grip flat bench press – 3 sets until failure
2nd working plex (Superset)
Incline barbell medium grip bench press – 3 sets of 15
Upper pulley cable crossovers - 3 sets until failure
3rd working plex (Superset)
Wide grip barbell decline bench press - 3 sets of 15
Lower pulley cable crossovers - 3 sets until failure
NOTE: Your chest should be searing about now…..if not, a suggested upbeat in tempo, may assist with a higher PainFactor (PF).
HINT: Think iron worker: Throwing a ten pound sledge hammer around all day, carrying 200 lb. iron beams around on their shoulders all day…all at 900 feet above the ground while balancing on an 8-inch wide iron-girder.
The Fry plex or the closer (This should finish you off)
Hammer strength bench press – 3 sets to failure followed promptly by:
Seated chest press on machine with weight stack – 1 drop set till complete failure
My friends, remove all doubt: Push it like an iron worker, tonight!
Posted in Training
Tuesday, May 20th, 2008
Work out like an ironworker!
If you’ve ever known an ironworker, you most likely know someone who is just absolutely a brick house. My Grandfather was an ironworker and I still remember how much of brick the man was, even well into his 80’s before he passed. Here was a man who helped build the World Trade towers and many more huge buildings all over this country.
After forty years of working with iron, this man was a monster. At the age of 70 he was still working biceps and triceps with his old iron-cast barbell of 135 lbs. I remember him telling me how the job was and that the key was to get warmed up in the morning and just not stop until eight hours later. Imagine moving heavy iron objects and swinging heavy tools without stopping for eight solid hours. Even people like me, may have a chance to put on some muscle after that type of routine.
Nowadays, I just sit behind a desk all day with the occasional field trip being a very welcome addition to the workday. However, when I go home at night, and when I hit that gym, I work it like an iron-worker.
In the same manner that ironworkers begin work and don’t stop, I get to the gym, begin moving the iron and don’t stop until I’m done and / or can’t move the selected body part. Rarely do I take a breather, in-between sets.
Welcome to my five part series:
Iron workers do it Heavier and Longer!
Some motivational one-liners from the Auditor, to assist you through the sticking points and the sluggish sets:
-Feel the Burn, Baby!
-C’Mon, let’s go!
-Push it!
-Keep it moving……keep it moving!
-There you go, its all you!
-Sweet Mother of all that is Holy! (not sure this one is appropriate to working out, but you can use it in most gyms either way)
Beginning NOTE: The quicker you are able to work through this routine utilizing strict form, the better your pump will be.
Part one: Arms
-Supersets for Triceps, Biceps and Forearms
Warm-up
Alternating supinated dumbbell curls X 25 reps
Overhead two handed dumbbell tricep extensions X 25
Seated Forearm dumbbell rolls on the leg X 25
Working superset number one
Barbell Curls 3 sets to failure
Lying Barbell Skull crushers 3 sets to failure then into close grip bench press to failure for each set
Seated Barbell Forearm rolls on the legs 3 sets to failure
Working superset number two
Hammer Strength Preacher Curls 3 sets to failure
Hammer Strength Triceps Dips 3 sets to failure
Behind the back barbell forearm rolls 3 sets to failure
NOTE: If your arms are not smoking by this point, up the intensity and cut down on the rest.
Working superset number three
Dumbbell hammer curls 3 sets to failure
Two handed pulley rope triceps extensions 3 sets to failure
Reverse grip barbell curls 3 sets to failure
Finishing superset
Standing pulley knurl bar curls 1 descending set to failure
Knurl bar skull crushers 1 set to failure then straight into close grip bench presses till failure
Seated knurl bar reverse grip forearm rolls 1 set until failure
Ending NOTE: By this point you most likely will not be able to bend your arms due to a “SWOLL” factor of 19.
At the end of the day, if you can move through this workout as an ironworker would, start, no breaks, consistent, fluent, strict with attention to safety, your arms will no doubt quickly begin to provide you the results you are looking for.
Next up: Chest
Posted in Training
Sunday, May 18th, 2008
The second installment of “Captain IchNoo and Wanda Wee!”
If you missed the first episode, click or copy and paste the link below:
http://blog.bodybuilding.com/bodyauditor/2008/05/17/captain-ich-noo-and-wanda-wee/
The Magic, as Captain Ich Noo liked to call it, was little more than his Uncle’s synthetic protein combined with lizard legs and fire ants. Many a time he had thought about telling Wanda Wee (his righteous babe girlfriend), but after chuckling a bit once he remembered how he stumbled across the potent complex he liked to call “Prolizant,” he thought better of it.
“There’s no way she’d believe my story,” was his summed up reasoning for not telling not only Wanda, but anyone. Besides, what if his “magic” got into the hands of, Miss Monopause, or Harvey Loogiehocker? These were just a few of his arch nemesis who would love to know the secret behind Ich’s power.
As the Cap sat back and watched Wanda prepare Grilled chicken breast, with chopped almonds, chopped fresh jalapeno’s and olive oil, his mind actually thought back to the day he realized what he had created……..
Insert wavy thoughts…..wavy….wwaaavvvvyyy……wwwaa
aaavvvvvyyyyy……..!
“Dude, I’m tho wasted! I’m not even thure what my name ith! HAHHAHA! Tho, flippin’ passth me another Coorsth, Ich,” slurred Franky the Squat, so named because of his short and pudgy build.
He’s harmless, Ich thought as he reached into the cooler to fetch the small man his, most likely, last brew for the evening. Franky, Captain Ich Noo and Danny Doomsday (so named because of his Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) induced rancid gas problem) had taken up shop out in the middle of the hills sitting in the back of Danny’s Ford pickup truck for a day of drinking and Pellet gun shooting back when they were just teenagers. It was July and therefore Franky, feeling as though he was dehydrating, had really tied one on. A good twelve-pack later and Franky had now reached the invincible stage that he typically reached whenever he drank too much.
While he was annoying to most in this stage, Ich and Danny rather enjoyed messing with him, as usually he was game for anything they dared him to do. Like the one time they double dog dared him to run up to the large woman, who worked the Polish Sausage stand on HWY 92 and Fry, and attempt a French kiss with her.
While funny at the time, the two of them felt bad for making the dare, each time they went to visit Franky over the next three weeks in the hospital after the large woman broke his jaw, right arm and hand, dislocated his kneecap and ripped a swath of hair straight out of his head. Fortunately, Franky was okay with dentures as the large woman left him with only two of his own teeth. It was a good six months before Franky was back drinking at full capacity and therefore willing to do the dares again.
“Dudes, I bet I can shoot that lizard over there with the pellet gun,” Danny spouted off with bold abandon.
“You know what? I don’t think so!” Ich challenged calmly and with a slight hint of indifference.
Danny pulled up the pellet gun, aimed and squeezed the trigger….”phooooot…. kerplap!”
“YEAH BABY!!!” Yelled Danny, as he hopped off the truck tail gate to go after his kill.
“Lucky Thot, you lame loother lithard killer! HAHAHAHAHA!!!” Franky slobberd, slurred and laughed outloud in his rapidly progressing drunken stuper.
Ich, not being able to pass up on an opportunity to see what all Franky would be willing to do, spouted out the first thing that came to his mind.
“You know Franky,” challenged Ich Noo. “I’ve heard that if you eat lizard legs you’ll become super virile and therefore have the ladies falling all over you. I dare you to eat a couple!”
Franky looked at Ich with a stunned and shocked look: his mouth just hanging open before he muttered, “Weely? You kidding right? I nefer heard that one fore………”
Ich just looked at Franky, gave him an all knowing look, raised his eyebrows and nodded his head up and down.
Franky let a sheepish grin work its way onto his face along with the wild-eyed look he always got before relenting and going along with a dare. This time was to be no different.
“Woo Hoo, woo hoo,” Franky hollered as he fell off the tail gate in a heap, picked himself up and like a bolt of lightning ran so fast that he blew past Danny. Once he found the mutilated lizard he quickly located what was left of the legs and ferociously gobbled them up.
Franky stood very still for what seemed like an eternity. Danny stopped dead in his tracks once he witnessed Franky’s lizard feeding frenzy. Danny looked at Franky, who in turn was looking back at him, who in turn looked around to see Ich looking in amazement at both of them.
Suddenly and without warning, Franky’s stomach produced an almost inhumane growling noise, that seemingly came up from the pit of despair located in Carlsbad, before he proceeded to run around in a circle flapping his arms, chanting, “I believe I can fly, I believe I can fly!”
This continued for about two minutes until Franky abruptly stopped, began to swell up like a balloon…..Swelling………swelling…….
swelling…..and continued to swell until finally there was a huge ripping sound……right before Franky lifted off the ground and flew away off into the mountains!
Stunned, Danny and Ich just looked on in amazement: Neither one knowing what the proper course of action should be here.
With astonished disbelief, Ich offered a very subdued, “Whoa.”
Be sure to check back within the next few days for, Ich Noo mows the lizard, or Wanda Wee asks Ich Noo, “Baby, do you?”
Posted in Training
Saturday, May 17th, 2008
Because I love fiction and I love to write, I give you:
Captain Ich Noo and Wanda Wee!
A self-created fictional series about one of the greatest superheroes ever, it will challenge you, it will make you cry, it will make you laugh, it will leave you inspired.
Read on and check back every few days for this amazingly fresh and newly penned saga…..
It had been an incredible workout if the Captain had to say so himself. Maybe not so much for Wanda, but for his part, “WOW,” was all he could keep thinking as he moved his self proclaimed, zillion tons of weight.
“A zillion? That’s not even a number you goofball,” Wanda continually suggested every time the Captain stated it; which was way too often.
“That’s not technically correct, my dear woman who brings me pleasure, both physically and mentally. If you want to break it down, one would consider a zillion most likely must follow a trillion. I mean C’mon, what consonant is left to put in front of the phrase, ‘illion,’ for numerical purposes and still have it sound like a number? A willion or a villion? Those just sound stupid, obviously not numbers. But a zillion? Phhffaww, obviously a real huge number.”
He looked at her with all seriousness, as she looked at him with her usual disbelief and sincere hope that he was kidding. Sadly, he was more than likely serious and because of some head accident he surely suffered as a small child, truly believed some of the nonsensical statements he so boldly pontificated. She accepted his child like goofyness only because dang it, he was seriously hot. She liked to tell people that her boyfriend was not just H-O-T, but H-A-W-T, as in, “oh yeah, give me some of that!” And hello, let’s not forget the fact that he’s a super hero!!! Nonetheless she was still in the mode of trying to refine him. She looked at the Captain and thought, while there may not be a whole lot going on upstairs at this point, maybe I can change that.
“A project, made just for me,” she inadvertently said out loud instead of thinking it.
“What’s that supposed to mean? What are you talking about, who’s the project? Who is he, I’ll waste him in deadlifts. It’s Danny Doomsday isn’t it? I could so take that loser. You know he likes to smell his own farts, right? He’s not even a real superhero. I mean he’s only stopped a few purse snatchers and school yard bully’s: Well besides that time he stopped the meteor from hitting the base. That was alright, but I could’ve done that with one hand tied behind my back and my cape stuffed in my undershorts!”
Again Wanda just stared at the Captain, and his ramblings. Where did he come up with such a wild imagination. Why would she have any feelings for Danny? Not only did he have a sick thing for his farts, that he gladly told anyone who would listen about, he had begun to braid his underarm hair many years ago, and as a result always appeared to have ponytails hanging out of his pits.
“Yeah, uh, no thanks,” she thought.
She reached over and grabbed Ich Noo’s arm before snickering, “Cap! Danny has a thing for his own farts and he braids his underarm hair. Why would I have any interest in that? There are wild boars in this world who would take their own life if they were forced to be with him for just one minute.”
The Captain could not contain the smile before he let out his deep wailing laugh, that most folks found contagious, including Wanda. She had to begin laughing too. They laughed uncontralably as they raced home from the gym in the Captain’s Pantera.
The Pantera had been a gift from Ich’s, Uncle Spa Noo, who had amassed a fortune by creating a synthetic protein which turned out to not only be more complete than egg albumin, it inadvertently turned out to be the cure for Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS). Shortly after becoming filthy rich, Uncle Spa for reasons unbeknownst to anyone, filled out a legal document leaving everything he had earned to various members of his family and was legally frozen for scientific purposes at a cryogenic lab in Phoenix, Arizona.
Beyond the Pantera and because he was the local gym trainer at Franky’s Hardcore house in Sierra Vista, Arizona, Captain Ich Noo really had nothing. He lived in a small custom rental house out in the hills on a couple of acres of property. As unassuming as the house was, it was where the magic generally took place, however…..
To be continued…….
Posted in Training
Thursday, May 15th, 2008
Feeling sorry for yourself today: Yeah, I’ve got some thoughts for you!
- The best place to find a helping hand is at the end of your own arm!
- Waiting for tomorrow for things to get better? Newsflash: Tomorrow never really comes!
- So you’ve been hurt? Pick up the pieces, glue them back together and get on with it!
- Someone made you feel uncomfortable with what they said? Walk away, tell them to bite you, and realize that words are just that….WORDS!
- Have a bad day? Good and Congratulations: You are now a stronger person!
- Busy? And stressed as a result? Imagine the extreme antithesis of busy—BORED! Better to be busy and stressed than bored and stressed….just my thoughts.
- The world needs strong people, choose to be one today!
- If you’re not making a difference, what’s the point?
- Movers and Shakers make better lovers than Sloths and Wombats….Huh? Don’t ask, its better that way!
- You know how there’s always that one person?………Don’t be that person!
Bonus thought:
So, imagine you live on a farm in the middle of a drought and you’re fighting each day to provide for you and your family under impossible circumstances. Do you really think there would actually be time during the day to feel sorry for yourself? And if there was, would it really help your scenario? Think of this, the next time you are eating a great meal, dancing in a great club and then subsequently laying awake depressed at night feeling sorry for yourself in your great bed that just happens to be in a great house……HHhhmmm.
Parting shot:
Life process # 457 – Wake-up, make a difference, go to bed; Wake-up, make a difference, go to bed; Wake-up, make a difference, go to bed; repeat, repeat, ad nauseum!
Posted in Training
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