I want!
That’s right! I want the following:
1. A chicken breast that doesn’t dry out when I re-heat it over and over in the microwave after initially cooking it two weeks prior.
2. Spinach that has the secret addictive ingredient in it that Kentucky Fried Chicken uses to makes people think their chicken is AWESOME.
3. A Ho-Ho that is all this: zero fat, zero carb, high in protein, gives you a sugar high like that of a kid fresh off throwing down an entire bag of halloween candy.
4. Biker shorts to have a weight-limit restriction for purchase: both new and from the swap mart.
5. The guts to actually get a mullawk (Mullet / Mohawk), just for shock value at work.
6. Just once, to see that wanker who does not realize blinkers were made for actually utilizing in scenarios where a vehicle turn is imminent, get rear-ended by a fast moving steamroller.
7. Monster calves that make people turn and mutter only…"Holy Schnike’s, dude!"
Note for seven: I already realize this is a true pipe dream and is something that will never happen….so you don’t have to PM me to point this out, thank you.
8. A politician to just say they don’t have all the answers, but they will guarantee me the truth on all matters: right, wrong or indifferent. (Another realized pipe dream…thanks)
9. Be both extremely busy and have nothing to do at the exact same time……hhmm.
10. A huge Z-Z topp beard with a large metal ball on the end, I would use to beat people repeatedly who seemingly can only talk about themselves.
11. A drive-thru Starbucks in my bedroom.
12. A World Gym of my own, fully stocked with any and all supplements in addition to a full staff of, "sweet babes." (Napolean Dynamite reference)
13. Wings.
14. Ability to communicate with ants in order to truly determine what kind of secret supplements they consume to acquire the amazing strength they have.
15. Built in night and x-ray vision.
16. An "Easy" button for me, and a "difficult" button I could use to affect situations for my mortal enemies.
17. For someone to just flat out beat down any and all negative people….in a positive way of course!
So, here I am at 17 things, do I stop on such an odd number? HHhhmm……thinking…..thinking….YES! I do, haha….just stew on that you even numbered people out there….you know who you are!
Parting shot: Do it today, as tomorrow never really comes.
April 9, 2008 at 8:47 pm
The beard with the metal ball… I see our minds are moving on convergent paths. Very strange!
April 9, 2008 at 8:51 pm
Indeed! And sadly, I already know there is no help for us KM…just close your eyes, and the bad things go away…
April 9, 2008 at 8:51 pm
HAHA! here here. i can completely agree 100% with your list. . .to bad for reality.
April 9, 2008 at 8:56 pm
Bad reality, bad reality….
April 9, 2008 at 9:06 pm
Ahahahaha!! Very nice!!! I think in my mind secretly No. 16 would be a great choice to have
April 10, 2008 at 6:24 am
OMG, your list is hilarious, but I especially concur with #1-3! Damn, I hate a dry chicken boob!
April 10, 2008 at 11:10 am
Oh how I do miss my ho-hos! I used to have to buy 2 boxes. One I hid from my (ex) husband because I can guarantee you, when I woke up the next morning the second box would be empty! And yes, that is why I divorced him!
April 10, 2008 at 12:39 pm
17?! You couldn’t stop at 16 or another multiple of 4… why, why, why?! j/k (I think)
I’m not usually one to think of bad karma towards others - but amen to non-users of the blinker and beating down negative folks positively! And as for the ants comment… I thought that was profound! How DO they manage to grab that crumb and still maintain such a lean and tiny figure?!
And lol at the infamous Starbucks reference… they’re sales had to go up since the inception of your blog, as I’m sure my consumption has!
April 10, 2008 at 12:41 pm
Argh… their sales… English I good speak!
April 12, 2008 at 10:24 am
Funny as hell!!!
April 15, 2008 at 4:30 am
In addition to x-ray vision you should have also added the power of invisibility. I am currently doing research on both concepts….I will keep you informed.
April 15, 2008 at 5:23 am
AMEN to #1! I hate chicken because of this. And because you’re funny I won’t use my "difficult" button on you
April 16, 2008 at 2:20 am
gotta go with number 13! What is it with me and food?? Gosh!!
Number 8…that would be the day…but not today unfortunately! Great post BTW
April 16, 2008 at 11:44 pm
Great blog as always. Entertaining and thought-provoking. (Not to mention funny!)
April 17, 2008 at 8:44 am
So what would the ZZ-Topp beard look like with a mullahawk? I’ll stay busy thinking about that while doing nothing (#9 is DONE!)
April 17, 2008 at 7:22 pm
yay- for the drive thru starbucks - and as far as the ho-hos they need to also taste like they used to…when we were kids…now they taste so…plastic
- not that i eat them or anything-eh-em
April 18, 2008 at 1:20 pm
I want a hormone control regulator that sticks out of the forehead of my teenager.
I want liquid vials of logic and reason to sneak into beverages of those who aren’t seeing things my way…the logical way!!
I want my remote to come with shock waves, so every time Rachael Ray says something like, ’sammies’ or ‘yummers’ I could send a few currents her way!!
LOL! LOVED the list!!
April 19, 2008 at 10:40 am
They’re all winners in my book, but my favorite is this one:
6. Just once, to see that wanker who does not realize blinkers were made for actually utilizing in scenarios where a vehicle turn is imminent, get rear-ended by a fast moving steamroller.
I’ve often wished that (no one gets hurt) I could see a car just get flipped right off the road when they do something idiotic… like, say, pulling into MY lane.
Of course, the "sweet babes" idea is AWESOME!
(loved that movie)
April 19, 2008 at 11:31 am
I love this blog..the ants killed me.. so true. Boy you do a lot of thinking in your spare. you are so funny…i would love a starbucks drive through as well…im a starbucks addict
May 10, 2008 at 1:23 pm
these are seriously great