Nuclear explosions and Intensity Monsters
CLASSIFIED: EYES ONLY
USDOD
Footage: 99-99-XX-3388.FMBA-84.11GHI
Date: 30Jan08
Time: 2100 hours
Subject: BodyAuditor sighting
Place: SurpriseAZ. +10 miles LukeAFB; +10 miles University of Phoenix Stadium
Item number: 69
Reporting officer: Lieutenant Luke Out
Reporting CO: Major Jo Lee Moly
Event: Small sub-nuclear detonation in urban housing development (un-substantiated)*
Voice recorder load…………………..check…….load
…..check…….loaded.
Reel time: 15 min 47 sec
Officer voice recording unit verification ID: ABF777
Play…………….
“Holy crap, I hope this thing is recording……here goes.”
Inaudible noise, garbled transimission….load…….check……load
…..check….loaded.
“This is Luke Out reporting a BodyAuditor (BA) spotting. I am currently in the area of Surprise AZ on the intersection of Iron (garbled)s way and Pa (garbled) lane. I spotted him while I was emptying my radiator at the Jiffy mart. He was along with some strange individual who appeared to be eating a very stale hamburger product of some sort. BA appeared to be larger than life, and possibly his mere presence was enough to momentarily stun me.”
New reel feed….load……check…..load…….check
…..loaded.
“I wasn’t close enough to hear what him or the member of his posse (whom he referred to as, Forrest) were saying to the clerk, but whatever it was, the clerk appeared to be a bit apprehensive…potentially BA’s presence came also as a surprise to my teenage friend who was working the register. Nonetheless, the clerk gave BA a $20 bill for some reason: not entirely sure why. A matter for another time potentially.”
New reel feed….load……check…..load…….check
…..loaded.
“At any rate, I followed BA, knowing that such a power source could potentially detonate at any time, and here is what I saw as I stealthily reconnoitered his garage-based workout:”
Timestamp: 10 minutes total
Muscle target: Quads, hammies, calves
Blister movements: Drop Heavy Duty sets for Leg Press, Stiff legged deads, calf press
Total sets: One each
New reel feed….load……check…..load…….check
…..loaded.
“Piece of cr……..BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB, Dumb S…….BBBBBBBBBBBBB”
System interrupted………Stand by………………..Stand by…………….
New reel feed….load……check…..load…….check
…..loaded.
“Okay, it appears as though he is on his last set of stiffs…he has already taken the weight on just the stiffs from 225 all the way down to 135 and surely has done like fifty reps……..What the………BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB
BB
System interrupted………Stand by………………..Stand by…………….
New reel feed….load……check…..load…….check
…..loaded.
“Ho Chee Mama, hope you guys caught that…….there was a small explosion that ripped out the garage door to BA’s home gym while he was doing the stiffs. Man that is some kind of intensity he generates. Wait till the guys back at the unit hear about this.”
System interrupted………Stand by………………..Stand by…………….
System INOP…..Failed.
End transmission……………….
Concluding CO notes: The preceding transmission was found out in the middle of Old Farmer Weider’s corn field in Buckeye, AZ. Lieutenant Luke Out was nowhere to be found. The search continues for the Lieutenant today, and the results of his voice reel have not been verified, therefore, no warrants have been issued for this mythical intensity-monster known as BA.
January 30, 2008 at 3:10 pm
Oh, man!! I love me some old fashion monster sightings. You know that somewhere there are high level government organizations working to strike against this monster. That is always how this works.
Nice to see Ho Chee Mama representing too. I met that dude in Shanghai once. It was… awkward.
January 30, 2008 at 3:22 pm
Crazy! Unsolved Mysteries needs to re-air to investigate this…
January 30, 2008 at 3:36 pm
So stiffies yielded a massive protein fart… Yep, that’s what I gathered from that. Now strolling neighbors have a first class view of you pumping in action from the collateral damage to the door!
January 30, 2008 at 8:00 pm
Trixter stole my thought! But sounds like a seriously killer workout. Hope you walk with great difficulty tomorrow
January 30, 2008 at 8:11 pm
First you made me cry and then you made me laugh…
January 31, 2008 at 9:26 am
You crack me up!
January 31, 2008 at 10:00 am
OKay I got the fart thing…. but I’m still confused on the $20 bill from the clerk!…… Is BA a Pimp on side?…lol
January 31, 2008 at 5:16 pm
Man….are you having stink issues?? Are your wife and kids running the other direction when you walk in the room?? you are too funny….carb depletion is good for you!!