Memoirs of a reluctant Bulker

So today I’m just feeling a need to make a break from my traditional extremely lengthy and cumbersome blog MO (MoOp) in order to get a couple of things out there for everyone’s perusal, amusement and bewilderment. First a joke I heard the other day, then a couple of rants and observations from the hazy side:

1. Two bodybuilders are rapping outside World Gym one night about the art of attracting women. One of the bodybuilder’s who we’ll call Tim, doesn’t necessarily have much Rico Suave’ when it comes to getting the girls. His counterpart and gym partner, who we’ll call Arnold, is from Austria (ironically, no relation to the Arnold no last name necessary that we all know and love), speaks with a heavy accent and is quite savvy with the ladies.

The two are going on and Tim has explained to Arnold that he just isn’t seeing any action when he goes to the beach and has noticed that Arnold seems to attract all kinds of women when he goes. Therefore, he wants to know what Arnold’s secret is:

"Ah, my little friend Tim, I hawf to tell you dat if you want to attract da ladies, you must wear a Speedo!"

Tim raised an eyebrow and skeptically asks, "is that it?"

Arnold acknowledges with a large grin and states that indeed a Speedo is the key to attracting the ladies. So the next day, Tim goes out and purchases a fire red Speedo from the BB.com store that has just opened in his neighborhood and heads quickly out to the beach. Tim is on fire in his racey red Speedo and already feels the stares as he heads from his car, past the roller coaster and out onto the sandy beach.

"Awesome, there’s a group of bikini babes playing volleyball over there…perfect place to test out my hot new outfit," he thinks to himself. Tim quickly ducked into an alley way and ripped off fifty push-ups to give himself a little pump, puffed out his chest then strolled over to where the game was going on. It took about five seconds for all of the girls to eventually notice Tim and unfortunately, at that moment of realization and to a girl they all looked at one another then back at Tim in disgust and immediately ran away from him until they were all out of sight….Dejected, Tim, his awesome new Speedo, his now deflated ego and body, meandered back to his car in defeat.

The next day, Tim cornered Arnold and spoke loudly to him saying, "That Speedo idea didn’t work you doofus. The girls actually ran away from me…what the f**k man?"

Arnold grinned, showing his large white teeth and queried matter-of-factly, "Did you also pewt a potato in your Speedo?"

Tim screwed up his face and looked at Arnold like he had just grown another head, and said, "Of course I didn’t put a potato in there, why would I do that?"

Arnold shook his head knowingly and said, "Trust me, my little friend, the potato will get da girls for yew."

So the next day, off Tim goes back to the beach strutting proudly with his bright red Speedo and large potato tucked firmly inside…He actually felt pretty good about this idea and elected not to do the push-ups this time, extremely confident that the babes were just going to be falling all over him….He headed immediately up to the first hot bikini babe he could find and strutted as manly as he could right in front of her and her beach friends. Immediately upon seeing Tim and with wreckless ababndoned she screamed and began gathering up all her things. One by one, as the other beach patron’s, men, women, boys and girls alike, noticed Tim, they all too began yelling and screaming and evacuating the area’s around Tim.

Tim just looked on in astonishment, threw his hands up in the air and was now pissed….He immediately phoned Arnold and told him, "I’m pissed and I’m coming over right now, you made a fool of me!"

When Tim arrived back at the gym he stormed over to Arnold, not noticing the commotion he was stirring amongst the gym rats, and said, "look at me," pointing out the potato in his speedo, "this was your crazy a@@ idea and now I’m the scary guy of Mission beach. What the hell kind of idea was it to put a potato in my briefs, huh? Answer me you big Oak tree tard!"

Arnold took a look at Tim’s new potato package and matter of factly stated, "Tim, my poor sad friend, try putting the potato in the front next time."

2. Why have corporations in this country accepted and resold billions of dollars worth of tainted goods from China to inlcude: children’s toys coated with lead-based paint, and fish products containing mercury? Are you trying to tell me that they didn’t know of the contaminates being used?….I’m not buying it! If ever there was a time for law-suits, maybe this is it. Might it be time to hit these greedy corporate evil-doers in the pocket book! Don’t these people have kids?

3. Does the prospect of Hillary being our next president scare anyone else besides me? Is it really that hard to see, that she is made of plastic and is a robot?

4. How bad would it feel to lose everything you had in either a fire or a flood? All the memories, all of your past, all that defines you, all that gives you peace? My heart and my prayer’s go out to the folks in Southern California and the mid to upper North Eastern states that just recently experienced floods. Godspeed to you all!

Bodyauditor out and for now, remember, eat to live….don’t live to eat!! 

This entry was posted on Saturday, October 27th, 2007 at 3:36 pm and is filed under Training. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.