Warped Fireside Chats

Starbucks! I think I love you!

But I wanna know for sure,

Your taste and aroma gets me all up in allure.

I long for you in the rain,

I look to you for guidance sometimes when I’m in pain.

You call to me on cold days,

When I partake, you remove the haze.

An addiction it may be,

Honestly, that’s okay with me.

I’m sure you warm the chubby man’s inner soul

Up at the North Pole.

Smooth as silk I must profess,

Your healing powers, pull me from a bad day’s mess.

Starbucks! I think I love you!

Starbucks! I already know for sure!

So today I’m just feeling a need to make a break from my traditional extremely lengthy and cumbersome blog MO (MoOp) in order to get a couple of things out there for everyone’s perusal, amusement and bewilderment. First a joke I heard the other day, then a couple of rants and observations from the hazy side:

1. Two bodybuilders are rapping outside World Gym one night about the art of attracting women. One of the bodybuilder’s who we’ll call Tim, doesn’t necessarily have much Rico Suave’ when it comes to getting the girls. His counterpart and gym partner, who we’ll call Arnold, is from Austria (ironically, no relation to the Arnold no last name necessary that we all know and love), speaks with a heavy accent and is quite savvy with the ladies.

The two are going on and Tim has explained to Arnold that he just isn’t seeing any action when he goes to the beach and has noticed that Arnold seems to attract all kinds of women when he goes. Therefore, he wants to know what Arnold’s secret is:

"Ah, my little friend Tim, I hawf to tell you dat if you want to attract da ladies, you must wear a Speedo!"

Tim raised an eyebrow and skeptically asks, "is that it?"

Arnold acknowledges with a large grin and states that indeed a Speedo is the key to attracting the ladies. So the next day, Tim goes out and purchases a fire red Speedo from the BB.com store that has just opened in his neighborhood and heads quickly out to the beach. Tim is on fire in his racey red Speedo and already feels the stares as he heads from his car, past the roller coaster and out onto the sandy beach.

"Awesome, there’s a group of bikini babes playing volleyball over there…perfect place to test out my hot new outfit," he thinks to himself. Tim quickly ducked into an alley way and ripped off fifty push-ups to give himself a little pump, puffed out his chest then strolled over to where the game was going on. It took about five seconds for all of the girls to eventually notice Tim and unfortunately, at that moment of realization and to a girl they all looked at one another then back at Tim in disgust and immediately ran away from him until they were all out of sight….Dejected, Tim, his awesome new Speedo, his now deflated ego and body, meandered back to his car in defeat.

The next day, Tim cornered Arnold and spoke loudly to him saying, "That Speedo idea didn’t work you doofus. The girls actually ran away from me…what the f**k man?"

Arnold grinned, showing his large white teeth and queried matter-of-factly, "Did you also pewt a potato in your Speedo?"

Tim screwed up his face and looked at Arnold like he had just grown another head, and said, "Of course I didn’t put a potato in there, why would I do that?"

Arnold shook his head knowingly and said, "Trust me, my little friend, the potato will get da girls for yew."

So the next day, off Tim goes back to the beach strutting proudly with his bright red Speedo and large potato tucked firmly inside…He actually felt pretty good about this idea and elected not to do the push-ups this time, extremely confident that the babes were just going to be falling all over him….He headed immediately up to the first hot bikini babe he could find and strutted as manly as he could right in front of her and her beach friends. Immediately upon seeing Tim and with wreckless ababndoned she screamed and began gathering up all her things. One by one, as the other beach patron’s, men, women, boys and girls alike, noticed Tim, they all too began yelling and screaming and evacuating the area’s around Tim.

Tim just looked on in astonishment, threw his hands up in the air and was now pissed….He immediately phoned Arnold and told him, "I’m pissed and I’m coming over right now, you made a fool of me!"

When Tim arrived back at the gym he stormed over to Arnold, not noticing the commotion he was stirring amongst the gym rats, and said, "look at me," pointing out the potato in his speedo, "this was your crazy a@@ idea and now I’m the scary guy of Mission beach. What the hell kind of idea was it to put a potato in my briefs, huh? Answer me you big Oak tree tard!"

Arnold took a look at Tim’s new potato package and matter of factly stated, "Tim, my poor sad friend, try putting the potato in the front next time."

2. Why have corporations in this country accepted and resold billions of dollars worth of tainted goods from China to inlcude: children’s toys coated with lead-based paint, and fish products containing mercury? Are you trying to tell me that they didn’t know of the contaminates being used?….I’m not buying it! If ever there was a time for law-suits, maybe this is it. Might it be time to hit these greedy corporate evil-doers in the pocket book! Don’t these people have kids?

3. Does the prospect of Hillary being our next president scare anyone else besides me? Is it really that hard to see, that she is made of plastic and is a robot?

4. How bad would it feel to lose everything you had in either a fire or a flood? All the memories, all of your past, all that defines you, all that gives you peace? My heart and my prayer’s go out to the folks in Southern California and the mid to upper North Eastern states that just recently experienced floods. Godspeed to you all!

Bodyauditor out and for now, remember, eat to live….don’t live to eat!! 

Well since I first floated the idea of posting some suggestions regarding the questions I get PM’d to me here on BS, I have recieved many more queries and will attempt, in my own special limited way that I have (and so what if I ride the short little bus to work!!), to address some of them, in this special (again, special !) second segment of Hazy side thoughts, or Hazy side contemplations, or whacked out Hazy side, or Dude, where’s my Hazy side, or Hazy side, the forbidden zone….Yep, still thinking of a great eye catching title….

At any rate, again here’s a warning….

WARNING, READ CAREFULLY: If you are pregnant, are of the elderly nature such as the typemaster, have had kidney stones in the past six months, believe that space aliens are nothing more than random large farm animals run amuck, enjoy long talks with your neighbors while they are mowing the lawn, are contemplating and or have contemplated walking through your neighborhood mall with nothing more than a speedo or two piece teenie bikini on while carrying a large sign that clearly states, "Bread is for Bulking," then please, by all means read on…But know this first: the oft mis-perceived and awkwardly demented author has recently partaken of TRT (See King Marmosets blog) and therefore may not and should not be held responsible for sudden bursts of rambling and incessant muttering in contemplation for submitted statement of anxious anticipatory response (question).

So with that small but necessary (according to my advisors) litigious matter out of the way: remember to enjoy all things (good and bad) my friends, for today we are developing the memories that can and should be enjoyed for the rest of our lives….. 

Without further ado (maybe), here’s the Q & A for today…..

Questions in Italics and answer’s in bold…

1) Great job man. I actually saw your page after linking from my wifes page and had to tell you that you got some awesome progress. I’m trying to do the same thing, but doing a lot of cardio and light weights with high reps. Any suggestions for ripping up the abs other then trying to keep knocking down my weight? For abs and again for me in specific, I have found that diet is the most important thing….You can bang on your abs during a workout all you want, but if your diet is not very tight, your abs will not be either. I actually work my abs year round and do the same workout everynight (about 5 minutes total): 30 - 40 crunches (slow and for feel) followed by 30 leg lifts (very slow and for feel). With that, my abs and waist are generally in great shape. However, depending on what my diet looks like, you may not even be able to see any definition with my shirt off. Only after I enter a cutting phase and have dropped my carbs to a low to no level with added healthy fats (mono and poly) utilized for energy do I ever start to see the definition.

2) What is blood volume training? Also on your drop sets, how many sets do you do per set? I’m guessing say on your wide pull downs you would start at say 200 then down to 180 and so on, how far down do you go? Thanks..Blood volume training is the type of workout system I utilize during my cutting phase….or precontest if you will. The purpose of this type of workout is for muscle shaping and refinement, not building. The means by which this end is met, are many sets, many reps with limited rest and therefore high intensity as per usual. My workouts during this phase will typically last no more than 45 minutes each night, will encompass anywhere from 20 to 40 sets depending on muscle group. My focus for each of these workouts is to literally force as much blood into the targe muscle group as I can. Usually when I leave after one of these workouts, the target muscle will stay pumped for the rest of the night….and yes, I love that feeling! As for drops, I do not accomplish drops during blood volume training, only during my off-season "Heavy Duty" training. When drops are applicable, I do not count the number of drops at all: I will start (after a warm up set) with a working weight that I can strictly move for at least 3 reps, then will do a few partials, drop, strict, partials, drop, strict partials, ad nauseum until the target muscle is fully fatigued. Believe me my friend, you will know when your muscle is fully fatigued.

3) Great Blog…. I’m 5′9 198 workout 5 days trying to get back into shape wanted to know about food. Could you help me out with a sample diet plan I want to get lean also want a good amount of daily cardio..Thanks. As for diet, and as some of you may know, it has to be realistic for my lifestyle….family, job, house owner, business traveler, etc. etc. in order for me to follow it. I have tried the measuring thing, I have tried the journal thing….I’ve tried alot, but I have found that first and foremost, it must be easy for me to follow. I don’t really even care if it is strict, it just has to be easy. Now along with easy, comes flexible…so I take the, watch my body in the mirror, take caliper fat reads and weigh myself often approach. These three things combined tell a very clear story as to what my body is doing. Now, to answer the question in regards to a sample diet plan…here’s typically what I do during my cutting phases:

0300 - Low-carb yogurt with whey protein and bowl of whole grain (Nature’s Path) cereal

0700 - Detour low carb high protein bar

1000 - Spinach, carrot, chicken breast, 2 - egg white (one yolk), olive oil and balsalmic vinegar salad

1300 - Detour low carb high protein bar

1600 - Low-carb yogurt with scoop of whey protein (35 grams of protein total)

1900 - Spinach, carrot, chickent breast, 2 - egg white (no yolk), olive oil and balsalmic vinegar salad

2200 - Low-carb yogurt with scoop of whey protein

Diet generalities are as follows: I snack heavily on a homemade mixture of Almonds, Hazelnuts, Pistachios and Pepitas….no salt. I also cut out all cheat meals and remove most if not all processed foods.

As for cardio: When I start a cutting phase I will typically accomplish anywhere from 30 - 60 minutes of recumbant bike work everyday for the first two months. This type of work will generally get my body’s thermogenic process very ramped up and after those initial two months, I stop cardio all together and focus solely on my 45 minute blood volume training. 

Well my friends, we’ve come to that time of my blog that most probably seemed like, at many points, would never come as you painfully and excruciatingly worked your way through the preceding hail storm of frivelous fodder. But, I do thank you for your time, and hopefully, if nothing else, it provided you with a much needed break from your highly exciting job that you have nothing but pure 100% focus for in most cases…..

I leave you with another bizarre and thought altering original bodyauditor quote: If a person can’t feasibly be lead under any circumstance, the odds of that person leading one day, are most likely minimal at best. Believe that, and remember, our leaders need people who can intelligently understand what they are saying: Get informed today!!

Recently I recieved a PM from a fellow bodyspacer, and it sparked an idea for a recurring blog. I actually get many questions regarding what it is I do in regards to working out, diet and supplementation….And I do try the best I can to address these questions via comments. But sometimes, there’s just too much to say, and let’s just face it, 19 comments from my ugly butt, is not something anyone really wants on their page, correct? So, with that and the fact that some of these questions may be swirling around in other bodyspacers heads, I offer the first in an open blog Q & A forum!! This is where I will post some of the questions I randomly get along with my seriously slanted and most likely offensive answers from the side that I roll on….The hazy side!!

 BLANKET WARNING: The views posted forth by the originating typemaster can and most likely will be offensive, unnerving, off-kilter, haywire, hair-brained, borderline repelling and rage-inducing. However, all of the information found within this lunacy, is certified true, by the aforementioned typemaster, and therefore may offer some semblance of assistance to like-minded, fellow mentally-troubled souls….Happy reading……or NOT.

PM questions in Italics and my answers are in bold:

The following PM questions were recieved on 10-18-07 

"I saw that in your photos you bulked up, then cut weight.

I’m still learning on what to do. An when to do it.

Here’s my questions:
-When you bulk up. What do you do for sets and reps?"I do one set per body part per day….Each set taken to full muscle failure…Typically, I do drop sets and partials to accomplish this. My exercise selections are the basics: Bench, Deads, Leg Press, Calf press, Military press, Dumbell curls and close grip bench.

"Is it the same for every bodypart?"Yes, one set each per day and my workouts typically during a bulk take no more than ten minutes.

"Do you take any suppliments when bulking up?"The only supplements I am taking are Whey protein powder and Protein bars (Detour and MetRX exclusively). At times, I will take creatine (plain with grape juice) as this is one supplement that I have experienced success with.

"How long do you go for bulking up, before you start to cut?" Roughly, about four to six months depending now, on when I have a competition. In the past, I have bulked during the winter months and cut up for the summer months.

"What are some specific things you eat to help with bulking?"The basics for my Clean bulking diet are: Chicken Breast, Lean Pork, Lean beef, Turkey breast, Whole grain pasta’s and cereals, yogurt, Nuts (Almonds, filberts, pistacio’s, brazil nuts and pepita’s), assorted vegetables and fruits. I am also not very stringent about cheat foods: Pizza especially. I may have five to six cheat meals a week: I don’t cognizantly look to avoid them, nor do I cognizantly search them out.

"An basicly the same questions, but for when cutting weight.
Sets, reps?"With my emphasis solely on muscle refinement (shaping) at this point, I look to push as much blood as possible into the target muscle. Typically I’ll do anywhere from 15 - 20 sets with anywhere from 15 - 20 reps per set per body part and I rest no more than 30 seconds between sets.

"Do you use these set and rep numbers for everybody part you work out?"Yes. My workouts typically range from 45 minutes to an hour and I work out five days a week with two days off during this time.

"What do you take when cutting weight?" I do not take any supplements to assist with the fat loss. I do however drop most if not all carbs and replace them with healthy fats….Olive oils, Salmon, and lots of nuts…..

"How long do you cut weight before you start to bulk up again?" Again, before competing was a goal, I would bulk during the winter and cut for the summer.

"Do you eat anything special to help stay trimmed up?" I guarantee, if you follow a low to no carb diet while replacing carbs with healthy fats and increase your protein intake, you will not only get lean, you will stay lean.

"Please help me bro. I feel like i’m at a stand still and it’s frusterating me. I love working out, want to get bigger, and more tone." 

Hopefully these nuggets help you my friend and anyone else who may be contemplating the same scenarios. BodyAuditor out, peace to all…..And remember: If you’re not keeping it real, chances are, no one is taking you for real! 

Today in America, there are many things getting done and happening that will ultimately lead to, at a minimum, a diminished way of life, and at a maximum this Country’s downfall. I’ve been breathing the air here in America for 38 years, and have seen many things come and go, many things that just leave me with one eyebrow raised and many things that I just flat out cannot understand. This Country was founded as "one nation under God," and has a history of being strong as well as, quite frankly, obstinate: This has been and is what makes this Country great. However, over the past few years, I have seen a turn in American ideals to one that is accepting and passive. What is America’s mission statement now? Do we still long to be the world leader that sets the pace for all other countries or have we become the Nation that has accepted being "good enough?" Have we become a Nation that is so worried about what the rest of the world thinks about us, we actual sit in Limbo: A lame duck Nation, if you will? Let’s consider a few things:

1) When the National news most typically fills each and every broadcast with murder, crime and mayhem, what does this mean? When the same news broadcast fills the remaining time with negative opinions from around the world regarding the decisions that do actually get made here, is this presumably beneficial? What of all the positive difference that takes place everyday in every neighborhood throughout the Country: Is it correct, based on current procedures, that reporting on good, would be detrimental?

2) When our Nations current leader’s and future leader’s are seemingly more interested in pointing out their detractors flaws, than making policy and leading us into the next millenium, does this actually spell success? Or impending doom? What of our future leaders that are bent on speaking of this Nation’s current military operations in a negative context in addition to incessantly pointing out who’s to blame: Is this beneficial or does negativity bread negativity, as it once did? Would it be harmful for these same pontificator’s to offer solutions to said military actions, instead of airing their opinion of who’s name should go on the "very naughty" list?

3) This nation is doing a great job (my opinion) in switching modes to becoming more environmentally cognizant. Being one of the greenest nations in the world today, is this one of the main reasons other Nation’s look unfavorably upon us? When we suggest that other Nations follow suit in an attempt to clean up our unique world, is it the equivalent of rubbing salt in a wound? Should Nations such as China that commit human rights violations as a matter of public policy and knowingly manufacture consumer goods containing lead, be allowed as they are, to continue freely trading here in America? Is a Country that knowingly trades with other Nations that commit human rights crimes, actually leading the way for all: or practicing negative compromise?

4) If a kid does poorly on a test or assignment in school, why do they get a second chance to do better? Other than, don’t worry about the outcome of things, because there will always be a second chance, what is this promoting? Maybe I live in a bubble out here in the real world, but from my perspective, life very rarely offers second chances. Promoting a message that suggests success the first time is negative in what way? If kids understand that negative consequences actually can happen, doesn’t this help them strive for initial success and therefore our Nation’s future success?

5) What kind of message are we sending our kids when they compete in any capacity, and winning is not touted as an important goal? When we send the message to them that it is okay and honorable to lose as long as they had fun, what good comes from this? Does this not pave the way for a future society that is okay with just being okay, as long as you are enjoying yourself? And if so, can a society of happy wheel spinners, actually be the world leader: or does that society follow whichever Nation is bent on success?

I suggest that we as a society need to take a look at what is going on all around us and begin to challenge this notion that tolerance, empathy and mediocrity are acceptable. My friends and fellow citizens, let’s take a strong stance, have informed (INFORMED) opinions, become aware, pay attention to what’s going on, and begin to turn back this once very strong and proud (Yes, I said PROUD) Nation. Enjoy your freewill tonight, as history suggests that all great Nations eventually come to ruin (check it out): Let’s ensure that ruin does not happen in our lifetime!

BodyAuditor out: Living life without regret while striving for continual improvement, everyday!

As some of you may know, I began a bulking phase at the beginning of September and outlined my anticipated angle of attack (AOA) here in a previous blog. After sitting down and contemplating my wants and needs for an April 2008 contest goal, I put together a very complicated plan of attack: Lift heavy and eat ad nauseum (took along time to come up with that btw). Well that plan, somewhere along the way, needed to be re-evaluated (as all good plans do) and with that the following blog is dedicated to rambling incessantly about my workout and nutrition plan as it currently exists:

1. Lift heavy and smart

2. Eat clean foods ad nauseum

I know, there’s alot to take in here with these, very complex and highly thought out adjustments….

Interestingly, when I first started my bulk, I really thought that I was so ready to just start throwing down any and all food. I had been dieting for four months straight, eating very clean, and watching my portions. So, at the onset of my bulking stage, a percentage of my inner-self, known as "self," was screaming, "Look out good people and pay attention to your limbs, because if they are in the way at the dinner table, they may just get gnawed on a bit: I will not be held responsible."

SIDENOTE: Wouldn’t that be a great bodybuilding T-shirt? "Mind your limbs, I’m bulking!"

At any rate, while that was a portion of my thoughts, a greater part of me really enjoyed the feeling of being cut, having ripped abs, and feeling just downright healthy. With this internal debate going on, I determined that a decision needed to be made, before I could progress. Analyzing the pro’s and con’s of beginning consumption of any and all foods versus beginning consumption of mostly clean foods but at a majorly increased rate took all of about two seconds. Here’s my reasoning behind choosing the "clean bulk:"

1. No doubts about it, it is the healthier option

2. Seemingly more good nutrients versus good nutrients with crap nutrients would provide a more fertile breeding ground for muscular development

3. Because I’m an elderly fellow (38), it just seemed like keeping it somewhat healthy, was the more prudent option. I’m a firm believer in the adage: Eat crap, be crap.

So with my new plan in place I set out to do the following in regards to diet and moving the heavy stuff.

Basics for both DIET and WORKOUTS:

-As a busy realist with other life interests outside of bodybuilding, my program’s must (MUST) be realistic and flexible.

-Quality over Quantity

-Must be geared so bulking goals will be attained

DIET

Because of the necessity for flexibility and for keeping it realistic, I decided on day one that I would not count calories, but would make a consorted effort to make incremental increases in my daily portions, as well as add one to two extra meals / snacks a day. With that, my basic menu items include:

Whole grain pasta’s, rice’s, and cereals, potatoes, vegetables, fruits, chicken (white and dark), beef (very lean), pork (lean), splenda sweetened yogurt, Almonds, Filberts, Pepitas, Pistachios, whey protein powders, and a myriad of different Detour and MET Rx protein and food bars.

Gallons of coffee, water and diet soda……….Calm down, maybe it’s not quite gallons……..

And that’s really all there is to it, I eat roughly seven to eight times a day….and yes, I do throw down the food rapidly most of the time. I do try to eat as much fresh food as I can, and if it’s organic and not too much more expensive, that’ll be my choice everytime.

WORKOUTS

When I sat back and gave an honest assessment of my physique at the end of my last cutting phase, I determined that my legs, calves, chest and back really needed some added thickness. So, to attain that goal, I drudged up the old faithful system of training that has worked very well for me in the past: Heavy duty training. This is a type of system that predicates itself with the theory of less is more (in a nutshell). Mike Mentzer developed this type of training and Dorian Yates probably more so than anyone made it famous. Way back in the early nineties I read an article by Dorian, promoting this type of training and decided to give it a try. The results were excellent right from the get go. I immediately went up in all of my lifts and my muscular development was of the very obvious variety.

 My initial plan was as follows:

Workout five days a week with two days off, on a Chest, Back, Legs, Shoulders, Arms rotation. Complete four to five exercises per bodypart, with one working set for each exercise. Now, for those of you who do not know, Heavy Duty training promotes the one set theory which is basically:

With only one working set to accomplish, the body will  much more easily reach muscle failure during the one set than if mulitple sets are completed. My friends and "also-readers" let me assure you, that if you go into an exercise with the notion that you only have one set to accomplish, you will create so much more intensity during that one set than you could ever possibly HOPE for with mulitple sets. I don’t know specifically how it works, I just know it does. I much more so fry out my muscle during one working set than I ever did trying to accomplish multiple sets. "Alright, alright, where’s the stinking catch" you are asking, right? Well there is one….ready…..During that one set, total muscle failure must be reached. Given that a muscle must be broken down to grow, that part makes sense. And so, typically for me to achieve that, I do decending drop sets and partials. This is the type of training I have followed for all the past years during my bulking phases. Remember this type of training is for muscle growth, not muscle refinement.  

So with that in mind, I did a little more studying on the Mike Mentzer variety. And, his thoughts gear alot more towards recovery, and suggest accomplishing not just one set per exercise, but one set per body part. HHHhhmmm, now I’m skepticle. But, as I read the results of test subject after test subject, I decided that I would give it a try. With a couple of tweeks here and a couple wrench turns there, my workout program for the last month has looked just like this:

Reminder: Total muscle failure achieved during each set.

Day One……Back - One set of wide grip pulls and one set of deadlifts

Day Two……Chest - One set of incline bench and one set of decline bench

Day Three….Shoulders - One set of military press

Day Four….  Arms - One set of dumbell curls and one set of triceps extensions

Day Five…….Quads and calves - One set of Vertical leg presses and one set of vertical calf presses

Day Six……..Begin rotation again

I work on that rotation and do not take any rest days. My workouts take a maximum of 15 minutes per day and I am not doing any cardio, lest the dog walk at nights.

And the results are…….DRUM ROLLLLL…….

Weight : 202 pounds (up 12 pounds since September 1st)

Bodyfat : 12 % (Up 2% since September 1st)

All of my lifts have gone up, and my muscle density is seemingly also way up. So, for this one month evaluation, I give my current bulking cycle a two dumbells up!

That’s all for now….Please let me know if you have any questions or further thoughts regarding this type of bulking.

BodyAuditor out and please remember:  Bulking phase in session: please do not let your children feed the animal. 

Over my twenty years of bodybuilding, I have learned many things. Transversely, I have experimented with many different routines and diet configurations that just flat out, do not work. Throughout those years I have also noticed that many people want for someone to just give them the secret:

"Please kind sir, give me the magic potion that makes you look the way you do."

"Oh dear man, can you tell me the secret to a healthy muscular body?"

It has always amazed me at how much our society tries to make things, of which are really simple in nature, complicated. Why do things have to be similar to rocket science before they are bought into? Everyday in my job, and many times in my personal life, seemingly simple solutions are never listened to, until they are made complicated and bogged down with large numbers, scales, graphs and powerpoint presentations. Unfortunately, the path to a lean, shapely muscled, aesthetically pleasing body has also been bogged down by our society’s quest to complicate.

Folks, today, in an uncharacteristically short blog (in support of simplicity) I give you the very easy "secret" formula to how a more muscular body is obtained. I present it in diagram form for ease of assimilation: