Memoirs of a reluctant Bulker

Let’s call him Jim….no, let’s go with Henry…..how ’bout Jessica? For this quick blog, it doesn’t matter. We’ve all been in that situation where, regardless of how passive we may be….we’re ready to:

-THROW DOWN

-BEAT SOME A**

-WAIL ON SOMEONE

-PULL OUT THE STICK WE USE TO BEAT PEOPLE WITH

-GO TO FIGHT CLUB….EVEN THOUGH WE DON’T TALK ABOUT FIGHT CLUB

I think you get the point. Unfortunately, we have people living, working and playing in this society, that for all intents and purposes, just really don’t deserve that right. These are the people that make life anywhere from, just a hair to a boatload harder for, all the others who follow the rules, are courteous, humble, and savvy to the ways of the golden rule (that’s the one where you treat people like you want to be treated, remember?)

Why am I writing this, you ask? Well, I am so glad you decided to ask that question because I have a great reason, and beyond that one fantastic reason……I am gonna give you a couple of scenarios you’ve probably experienced once or twice, that most likely almost had you saying:

WHY?

The trigger event for this rant follows…..

While driving in the left lane on Interstate 10 (75 mph speed limit) to Tucson for work that will take place here all week, I was set to pass an elderly gent who was putting along at about 55 mph in his 1987 Datsun B-210.

BREAK: Real quick, is it just me, or isn’t it pretty much accepted LAW, that the left lane is the FAST LANE!!! Not the ’see how slow you can go lane,’ not the ‘I always drive in the left lane, lane,’ nor the ‘Fast, slow, fast, slow, fast, slow lane,’ which is what this chap obviously felt it was.

At any rate, I’m right behind this guy going 55 now (down from 80), and patiently waiting for Mr. Bugadaboggada to change lanes over into the RIGHT (or SLOWER) lane, so I can pass safely on the LEFT (or FAST, or passing) lane. But no, he continues to stay in the LEFT lane and continues……and continues…..and continues…… Finally, after my preturbed meter was moved one count, I go ahead (much against all that I stand for) and change lanes over into the right (or not for passing lane) so I can pass Mr. SSSLLLLOOOWWW.

What do you think Evil Kenevil in the Datsun did?

Yep you guessed it…..He sped up!!….WANKER!!!!! So he speeds up enough to keep me from passing and yup, I got stuck behind a Winnebago in the right lane while the, now, train of cars which are following Captain B-210 pass me and the Winnebago.

I patiently wait, because, that’s just who I am, and then change back over into the left lane and slowly but surely, I finally catch back up to the NEWLY BORN SPEED DEMON ROCKING DOWN THE ROAD AT 75 MPH in his B-210…….WHY??? Why is it that people can’t determine on their own verition what speed they should travel? I mean, the state and Federal folks have been so kind as to put out signs that bear suggested (these are suggestions, yes?) speed levels. So you don’t even have to really make a choice if you don’t want to. But no, people can’t even read these very simple to understand signs….Oh well, to make a long rant even longer, when I finally passed, Mr. "I will not relinquesh my spot here in the left lane and will subsequently defend it with my life," on the right side, I noticed that not only was he most likely one day older than God himself, but he was eating a hot-dog and driving with his KNEES!!!! Are you kidding me? How did this guy make it so far in life?…..Obviously a pact with some less-than stellar creature, late at night, involving a Ouigi board! Don’t worry, I didn’t slam into the guy with my work truck and run him off into the ditch……..Or did I ? HHHmmmm…..

Okay, now that I’ve got the main-wanker moment covered, here’s a few more people who have no clue as to how life should be lived, complete with my own take on a title for each:

1. Ms. Make-up caker lady…Yep, you know you’ve seen her…the one who has on so much makeup, that Revlon and Mary Kay, have markers planted on her credit so they can determine what their production levels should be for the next month. Does this lady make anyone else just want to stick their finger in her face, just to see how deep it really is?

2. Captain Impatient and in-line man….He’s the guy, who is either in front or in back of you in line, huffing and panting in response to how long the line is taking….most typically, he will go ahead and try to get your buy-in to his frustration by throwing this very generic one-liner your direction: "Can you believe this line?" Usually, before you can answer, he’ll just go ahead and continue…."Unbelievable, how can this be taking so long, what can possibly be so important up there, why don’t they open another line?"

For this guy, who wouldn’t love responding with, "Actually, I completely understand why it’s taking so long, if I was that person up there, I’d slow it down too! If I knew someone as ugly as your butt-face was coming up, there’s no way I would try and rush!" Or some variant thereof….C’mon, the shear shock value alone would be worth it…..you know it would!

3. Tommie / Tammy the topper…..We all know this person…typically he / she works with us, or is related in some capacity. They are the individual, who has done, seen, experienced or known someone who has…..done, seen or experienced EVERYTHING. Regardless of what you have to say, this person has been involved with something that is just better in all aspects. Example: 

"Hey Tommie, I had the best weekend. Dude we went to the Dallas Cowboys game and actually got Roger Staubach’s autograph!" Tommie’s automated generic variable-laced reply: "Ho-hum, that’s nothing….Roger’s not only coming to my house for dinner tonight, but he’s my best friend in the whole world. And, he’s pretty much told me that if I so chose, I could easily be an NFL quarterback, because I throw the ball better than he does. I just don’t really want to be in the NFL, it’s so lame, ya know?"…….."Whatever Tommie."

4. Total butt-wipe boss…..This is the guy, who demonstrates over and over why he doesn’t have any friend’s or family outside of work because:

He’s generally a not very good looking individual, but thinks he is, and claims to be a ladies man. Not only does he tout how awesome and athletic he is (even though he shows signs of belt-expansion-stress), he generally can be found speaking highly of himself to the ladies in the office. He is always riding you for your reports, even though you turned them in already. He will allow you to do things, unless they go wrong, then he disavows any knowledge of ever giving permission and subsequently writes you up. He’s always creating frivelous work, like more spreadsheets to track things, even though the job is going very well….and last, yep, he’s generally got not only butt-breath, but horrible BO as well….bad teeth too…..Not so good. 

We all know these people, and know that there are more of them out there. But fortunately, we are civilized people, and have not beaten the crap out of them or stuck our fingers in their face……..Or have we? HHHhhmmm…….

Here’s to enjoying the Wanker’s who infiltrate our lives regularly….For without them, who would make us feel better about ourselves!!

B-auditor out…..

This entry was posted on Sunday, August 12th, 2007 at 9:05 pm and is filed under Training. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.