Warped Fireside Chats

Overweight, Chunky, Big boned, Thick, Unpleasantly plump and /or slightly on the Flabby side and looking to lean out for the summer, for that reunion, for that new outfit, for that certain individual who well, lights your inner fire or just sick of being out of breath after scaling that less-than lengthy set of stairs? Exactly four months ago, I was any one of the above descriptive icons, and was in search of any one of the defined goals above. More specifically, I weighed in at 220 pounds and 26 % bodyfat and was at the point I come to every year when the heat starts to ramp up outside and the shirts start to come off: Cutting time!!

For the past twenty-one years, I have subscribed to the commonly accepted tenet of: You must bulk in order to gain true muscle. So, for the better part of said twenty-one years, I have bulked during the Winter and cut during the Summer. While I had dreams early on of competing and ultimately of course being Mr. Olympia, it became readily apparent somewhere in there that I would most likely fill the much needed role of local neighborhood muscle head instead of the gleaming chunk of monster mass that perpetually graces the covers of Muscle and Fitness, MuscleMag, and / or FLEX. With that in mind, I offer my complete diet and workout program that is applicable for any average ordinary neighborhood muscle head looking to refine that hard worked for muscle. 

For our purposes here, I’ll start off with beginning and ending stats, go over the workout program requirements complete with sample workout, and then cover my basic diet requirements, complete with a daily nutritional sample.

Buckle up folks, it’s probably gonna get bumpy, discombobulated and down right Nasty (sweaty). An emotional roller coaster, you’ll laugh out-loud while simultaneously crying inside (this has probably never happened to you, huh? Me either). Let’s get started…..

THE STATS:

April 2007….Weight…220 lbs…..BF…..26%.

August 2007….Weight 192……BF…..10%.

THE WORKOUT PROGRAM:

NOTE: The following regimen is for muscle refinement purposes only, and in NO WAY is intended to promote muscle growth.

SIDE NOTE: I will be starting a bulking program in late September and will outline the muscle building tenets I follow at that time.

-For the first two months of the program I rode the Recumbant bike seven days a week for 30-60 minutes, period (No and’s, no if’s, no but’s, no run’s, no error’s, no pass GO and go straight to jail…no excuses). After two months, my very clean diet (see below) had started to take affect, and any cardio at that point only left me feeling flat. So, I ditched the cardio and the fat continued to fall off in conjunction with the much sought after, full muscle feel.

-For Abdominals, I complete fifty crunches and twenty FEEL (repeat FEEL) leg lifts every night, right before bed (generally takes five minutes max). I can’t stress enough the feel component. You have to feel your abs working for this to work. During the day, I will periodically complete various ab tightening movements as well as vaccuum the midsection. You’d be surprised how gratifying it feels to tense up those abs while sitting behind the wooden control device (DESK).

-Iron-moving sessions last 45 minutes (max) and are blood volume training in nature (push or pull as much blood into target muscle as possible). Rest between sets ranges from 30-45 seconds and the rep range is between 12-20. I move the iron five days a week (Sun - Thurs) and take the weekends (Fri - Sat) off. The daily breakdown is as follows:

Sunday - Chest

Monday - Back

Tuesday - Legs

Wednesday - Shoulders

Thursday - Arms

-Lactic acid build-up is my key objective which identifies two things: 1) I’m working the targeted muscle 2) I am fatiguing the target muscle. IE, I feel lactic acid building in the biceps, and I am completing standing dumbell curls…..SUCCESS!!

Now for a sample routine, and for no particular reason, let’s outline BACK…..Yes it’s true, I love to work the back…..Especially the deads……Love me some DEADS, people!!!

3 sets of Warm-up, wide-grip pull downs….20 reps minimum

NOTE: I can’t stress the importance of getting blood into a muscle group before starting in with the heavier stuff enough….So, again….WARM THE TARGETED MUSCLE UP FIRST. Besides getting the muscle ready to work, these lighter sets really warm up the neuro-pathways responsible for getting the targeted muscle group to work…So WARM UP, my very-impatient, and ready to move the heavier stuff FRIENDS!!

DID YOU WARM UP? Okay, then on to the heavier stuff. Just because our goal is to move as much blood into our targeted muscle group, it doesn’t mean we’re here to just move some sissy weight, right? RIGHT!! We’re here to ultimately just fry out the muscle and pump it up to darn-near explosion levels. So remember to use enough weight to where you FEEL the target muscle working.

CAUTION: Using too little weight will result in the target muscle not getting stimulated….Especially in your larger muscle groups…IE, Chest, Back, Thighs…

5 sets of Close-grip pull downs…..12-20 reps (I work up to 250 for 12 reps)

5 sets of Low-pulley rows…..12-20 reps (I work up to 200 for 12 reps)

5 sets of Smith machine shrugs….12-20 reps (I work up to 365 for 12 reps)

5 sets of Deadlifts (MANDATORY)……12-20 reps (I work up to 315 for 12 reps)

BACK NOTE: Folks, if you really want a big thick back, YOU MUST DO DEADLIFTS!! Nuff said.

Alright, there’s my muscle refining workout tenet’s with a back workout regimen sample for you. On to the diet stuff…..

DIET STUFF:

BE WARNED: You may have to sacrifice a bit-o-taste in order for the fat to begin falling……

My diet thoughts are actually pretty simple and pretty straight forward. I have a beautiful wife, two fantastic son’s, am a home-owner, work a more-than full-time job and enjoy living life. So, for me, in order for a diet to stick, and much like my workouts, it has to be realistic and simple.

-I cook all of my weeks chicken breast and hard-boiled eggs on Sunday and baggy up for the week (two hours)

-Dump most if not all processed foods and really begin watching labels on all foods for Fat, Sugars (not just carbs), Protein and Sodium.

-Dump most if not all sugars while lowering overall carbs and bumping up protein and healthy fat intake (mono and polyunsaturates)

- Sorry, didn’t really have any planned cheat meals along the way. However, since I travel extensively and have to attend business lunches periodically, I did have less than perfect meals along the way.

TIP: When forced into scenarios where you may have to alter the clean eating thing, remember to ask about healthy alternatives at restaraunts. Most eating establishments are willing to listen to your special requests. IE, ask for the food prep to be done without the sauces that are typically utilized.

-Ensure that you are taking in a boatload of fiber (Spinach is the best for you and is considered one of the top ten super foods)

-Drink plenty of water

-Snack on nuts during the day. I mix Hazelnuts, Almonds, Pistacios and Pepitas….all of course, with no salt added.

-Mrs. Dash seasonings are a must. They have no salt and there are about 10 different flavors out. These seasonings are awesome and really do make any of your salad mixtures taste fantastic.

-The absolute best salad dressing ever is Balsamic Vinegrette and Olive Oil (in my humble opinion)

Alright, I think that covers the basics, now how about an example of the typical diet which for the most part has remained the same from the beginning…

300 AM Non-fat, SPLENDA sweetened yogurt with one scoop of whey and two servings of a high-fiber and protein whole grain cereal (Nature’s path is the best cereal ever…in my opinion)

700 AM One low-carb, high-protein bar (MET-RX and DETOUR are the BEST….in my opinion)

1100 AM Spinach, carrot, cuccumber and bell pepper salad with Chicken breast and two eggs (one yolk) Balsamic Vinegrette and Olive Oil, Mrs. Dash table blend

300 PM One low-carb, high-protein bar (See above for suggestion)

700 PM Spinach, carrot, cuccumber and bell pepper salad with Chicken breast and two eggs (no yolk) Balsamic Vinegrette and Olive Oil, Mrs. Dash table blend

900 PM (post workout) 22 grams of Branched-Chain-Amino-Acids (BCAA) in liquid form

1030 PM Non-fat, SPLENDA sweetened yogurt with one scoop of whey protein powder.

Well, for those of you still reading, I hope that you may find some interesting and helpful bits of information here. And for sure, if you at any time, have any further questions or are just looking for more to read, feel free to ask away and / or continue checking back at the blog.

BodyAuditor out….Good night my beyond-well read friends……

Say What?? Failing? You mean, the country that is admired and envied by many? The country that proudly touts a truly free society? The country that has a very rich history of fighting for that freedom? The country that has helped many other countries at one time or another? The country that, if it so happens to deservedly destroy another, has a policy of rebuilding that country? The country that is first into any area that is affected by natural disasters or overthrown by dictators? 

What is it that I have been smoking you ask? Be calm, my rightfully skeptical friend and accept my assurances that no herbal magic has been partaken of in this hotel room where I sit analytically watching the world news unfold before my very eyes. Come, hypothetically walk with me on a thought provoking journey through an examination of two ideologies that have become common place here in this Amazing Country: Ideologies which may ultimately lead to this countries unfortunate demise. 

WARNING: Before continuing, understand that the purveyor of the following bullet points is extremely opinionated, controversial, right-handed, long toe-nailed, prefer’s brunettes, care’s not what other’s think of him and takes great pleasure in bringing about feelings of uneasiness amongst the weak-willed and mentally challenged individuals meandering through life without purpose.

The following are two distinct reasons I feel this country is failing miserably and may ultimately, if not addressed and changed, lead to this great country’s demise!!

Read on….. IF YOU DARE!!….OOOoohhh, scary huh? Don’t be afraid……

ENJOY!!

1) America has begun to bind itself through letigious means.

Huh? In Layman’s terms and simply put: "WE’RE SUE HAPPY!!" If something happens that may be outside of an expected result, either we ourselves are quick to claim foul and say, "who’s to blame, and where’s my due," or there is a lawyer there to say it for us.

Case and point 1: McDonalds coffee is hot and I spilled it on my crotch…."Who’s to blame and where’s my due?"

Case and point 2: I personally chose to smoke cigarettes for forty years, now I have cancer…."Who’s to blame and where’s my due?"

Case and point 3: My son who was high on Speed and Crank was killed while resisting arrest by a cop with a gun…."Who’s to blame and where’s my due?"

Enter……………….LAWYER PERSON!! Equipped with the two answers we are looking for: "Thank God, we’re all saved," said the larger woman from the rear of the complex!!

Personal injury lawyers, Occupational accident lawyers, Industrial lawyers, Aeronautical lawyers, Insurance lawyers, etc. etc. ad nauseum…..

Problem bonus point number one: We live in a nation that graduates ten lawyers for every engineer: Japan is the antithesis, graduating ten engineers for every lawyer. EXSQUEEZE ME? Does this seem strange to anyone else?  

2) The American mainstream promotes zero accountability for the people making bad decisions running amuck amongst us. Psychologists are continually looking for reasons for behavior: Good and Bad.

Case and point 1: Thankfully, we now know that the neighborhood child molestor, rapist, violent criminal, and / or all-around bad seed isn’t actually any of these things at all. It’s not their fault they do the things they do: their behavior is a result of an unfortunate event they experienced. We can’t blame them, we have to blame their environment, right? WRONG!!! Folks, I’m sorry that people have to endure challenging situations, but do not tell me, that a killing, raping, stabbing, robbery, attack or molestation takes place as a result of an unfortunate by product experienced by the perpetrator of those crimes. If a crime takes place, a bad choice was made (MADE)….If that choice was in any way facilitated by historic events experienced, TOO BAD!! Do the crime, do the time!! 

Case and point 2: Man lives on McDonalds, becomes a Human-Big-Mac (FAT and unshapely), sues McDonalds for selling him the food which created the monster called, himself. Did he choose to eat McDonalds everyday? Could he have eaten other things? Did he live in that really small town here in America that mandates all of its citizens eat McDonalds everyday, all day? C’mon Dude!! Again, you made a choice! Because that’s what we do here in a free society…make choices…because we can…because people have died so you can make those choices.

Problem bonus point number two: Today in High School’s across America, Students are being allowed to pass grade level and ultimately graduate without the ability to read, write and understand arithmatic. Many State’s have bonus programs for teachers that are fully dependant on those students passing. Result: teacher’s are forced to pass the student’s who ditch class, don’t care about school, cause trouble daily, and are illiterate, so they can rightfully recieve a needed bonus that unfairly stipulates the passing / graduation of all students. 

In review, America is an awesome country, and there is no other place I would rather live. I support our politicians, I support our freedom and I support our way of life. I am concerned however, when I see what many amongst us our readily choosing to do with the many gifts that are inherent with our Country. So, for the sake of our future, I offer the following small revelation and free-living guideline:

WE LIVE IN A FREE SOCIETY WHICH REQUIRES YOU TO MAKE CHOICES….YOU MAY WANT TO BECOME INFORMED, BEFORE MAKING ANY FURTHER CHOICES!!!

Twenty something years ago at a weight of roughly 150 pounds, I watched "Pumping Iron" the movie, purchased a cement-based set of weights, bought some powdered milk, started doing curls and overhead presses in my room and never looked back. I can still remember standing in my little teenager room with a dresser, bed, chest of drawers, little black and white television that I was so proud of, and observing myself doing standing cement barbell curls in a four foot by two foot wall mirror. I also remember watching with amazement at how fast my little noodle arms began to expand seemingly exponentially over the first few months. As a living testament to the tenet that a body responds readily to weight training before hitting a plateau, I quickly piled on ten pounds and subsequently began wearing (with pride) tank tops! Ya know, because I was all buff and stuff all of a sudden….yeah, all 160 pounds of me!

Over the next twenty years, I have tried a myriad of gimmick products (like the abdominator, remember that one), diets, workout routines, snake-oils, late-night rituals, hypnotism techniques: Anything, outside of growth enducing drugs, that I felt would make me grow to brobdingnagean proportions. My goal back then was to be the biggest fella in any room, building, office, team, city, state, country, or world for that matter. Yes, I once dreamed of competing in the Mr. O someday..Don’t laugh….I see you!..I truly thought I would get there, thank you very much. I idolized the golden-age-guys the most, like Arnold (of course), Franco, Louie, Frank Z. Sergio Oliva, and Dave "The Blonde Bomber" Draper. I also followed the careers very closely of the current super stars of the time like, Lee Haney, Dorian (No last name necessary), Kevin Levrone, Flex Wheeler,  and Lee Labrada.

Interestingly enough, somewhere along the way, I got side-tracked by reality. Needed to get a job, support a family, pay bills and learn how to operate a household. Don’t get me wrong, these were all fantastic things and I would never change any bit of what has happened in my life. Unless the allowable change might include winning the Powerball about fifteen years ago, then I’d be all about change. At any rate, I digress, back to the story.

Having given a bit-o-my background I feel it my duty to address a few things that I have experienced over my progressional period from Mr. Olympia hopeful (you’re laughing again), to: "Mr. got a family, job, lot of responsiblities, other interests, average, ordinary, CommonOlympia (my word by the way)!!"

So here goes. Remember, the secret theme password’s are (LIMITED and COMMON) SShhh…..

In remaining COMMON, my main requirement is: IT MUST BE LIMITED AND EASY! HA, told you!

Alright, what the heck does that mean? Shouldn’t this bodybuilding / fitness thing be complicated, requiring all kinds of measurements, tracking devices, and a degree in micro biology?

SIDENOTE BREAK for entertainment only! If you are only interested in the boring facts, please feel free to skip this paragraph and resume reading at the next paragraph. I read an article in a BBing magazine the addressed to a young fella who had asked a question regarding steroids that went something like this, "After taking said Testosterone Booster (TB), you must inject so and so milligrams of an Estrogene Minimizer (EM), followed by this Plant Extract (PE) along with so and so milligrams of Insulin, and then after following this regimen for exactly two weeks, you must decrease the TB dosage based on the amount of Insulin you were administering on the days you were intaking the PE and EM. Now by having blood work done you will better your chances of knowing how much TB you should take for the first six weeks depending on what your levels of Cholesterol are and by multiplying your TB dosage with those results and an eponent variable you will know how long your cylcle should be, not considering of course if you have been drinking orange juice on Wednesdays, as this may skew the data received during said blood tests……………..HUH? Excuse me? Does this sound like bodybuilding / fitness to anyone else? Why is this even considered healthy?????

Alright, back to reality. I included the preceding scenario to exemplify how goofed up things are currently for some people who are trying to make progress in this whole crazy fitness thing. Look, back to my original requirement: EASY AND LIMITED. If I can’t obtain and maintain my level of fitness using only natural products and completing workouts that conform to my already busy lifestyle(IE, whole foods, protein supplements) I don’t want it!! Don’t try to sell me stimulants, testosterone boosters, Oxidizers, Whoodiewhoopies, Frumptarts, pink pills, red goo, Super day long workout regimines or anything else that isn’t EASY AND LIMITED.

WHY? What’s the big deal you ask? Glad you asked my incredibly inquisitive friend…allow me to expound. Because I’ve burnt alot of money in the past on the fly-by-night products / routines and in the end, guess what? I can achieve some pretty darn good results without them. Now am I saying that I would not benefit from some of todays extensively engineered supplements? No, I am not saying that at all, and as a matter of fact, if supplements were free, I would most likely be trying all and ultimately using the ones that made a difference. I am saying however, that in my current state of being, (no free money for supps) I know that I must obtain and maintain my gains without expensive supplements and / or guru’s fly-by night workout gizmo’s. With that, I finally (and thank God right?) offer in list fashion my very LIMITED AND EASY workout and nutrition thoughts.

Working out: Work each muscle group (Chest, Back, Shoulders, Arms, Legs) once a week and fully exhaust the targeted muscle during each working set.

Things to consider:

First - Ensure you are working the targeted muscle: Be attentive to lactic acid build-up. If you are doing squats and your thighs begin to burn….GOOD JOB, you’re stimulating growth! If you are performing standing curls and your shoulders and triceps are burning…..take a step back, analyze your form and the amount of weight you are using: Chances are no muscle break down is taking place.

Second - Ensure that you have left everything in the gym. If you’ve just worked Shoulders and your arms do not feel like they weigh four-hundred pounds when you waive good-bye to the Hot girl working behind the counter, you have some fuel left in you…Go back and burn it!

Third - Don’t be whimp….Move that weight like you mean it. Don’t just go through the motions: feel the muscle working and embrace the burn. Say things like, "Oh baby-burning, I love you burning muscle of fire..I embrace your scorching properties and secretly I want to marry you….Okay, maybe you shouldn’t say that last part. If you find yourself wanting to marry the burn, you probably have deeper issues that bodybuilding cannot help.

Now on to Nutrition…and yep this is even more simple:

Cut out Carbs and replace with healthy fats: Increase your protein and remove most if not all processed foods from your diet.

Things to consider:

First - The body runs more efficiently and proficiently when it is burning healthy fats for fuel than carbs. Plain and simple! Being a carb lover, this is a tough one to stomach, but I’m telling you, it’s the truth. Remember, Poly’s and mono’s are the fats you’re looking for….try to limit but not cut out totatlly the saturates. Never take in trans….they are just evil at the end-o-the day, period.

Two - When I say "processed," I mean foods that are prepackaged and contain a very unhealthy dose of sodium. Canned meats, bagged and pre-spiced meats are big culprits (Remember that 1 milligram of sodium holds subcutaneoulsy, 10 milligrams of water). I used to think that cooking fresh would be an extreme pain and an extreme draw on my already limited time. But the fact is, it’s not at all. I take a couple of hours on the weekend to cook and prepare all of my meats for the coming week. That’s it. I’m telling you: Once you feel the difference it makes by eating clean, you’ll understand that those two hours are easily worth it.

Three - A big mistake people make is that they do not include enough protein in the diet to support muscle maintenance and subsequently they begin to shrink the one thing they’ve worked so hard for…MUSCLE. Make sure you are taking in at least one gram of protein per pound of bodyweight. Seems like a lot, but in the end, it really isn’t.

 Well, that’s a very winded overview of my basic guide to survival in this muscle quest thing I’ve had going on for over twenty years. If for some strange, twisted and unspeakable reason you are still reading after that overly-abundant and girth-laden word-boggle, I look forward to any feedback you might have with my LIMITED AND EASY way of fitness-thinking.

 Good Thursday all, and may the spirits of past CommonOlympians guide your muscle-quest tonight!

Only because I just don’t understand why people bicker, name-call, accuse, judge and / or worry about what other people think do I write this. Recently, I was innocently and unknowingly drawn into a war of words that presumably has been going on for some time here on bodyspace. Yep, Mr. Ignoramous doofus me! So, with that little bit-o-background I humbly make the following suggestions for b-space etiquette and demeanor: Ultimately asking, "can’t we all just get along?"

1. Don’t care what other people think! If you’re happy with your look: be it, shredded, hefty, big-boned, large-footed, hairy-naveled, balding, dark, light, see-through, front-toothless, or paper thin, it doesn’t matter at the end-o-the day what other people think. Ever heard the saying, "It takes all kinds?" If you’re not happy with the way you look, take steps to do something about it! Who cares what anyone else thinks? It’s your life!! Don’t let other people’s thoughts kill your high!! BE STRONG MY (________Insert self-description here______) FRIEND!!

2. Be positive! Many people on this site are legitamately striving to be in better shape, and ya know what? It can be a tough battle. As with your kids or pets, positive re-enforcement is what ultimately makes a difference. A negative comment, may only fuel frustration and potentially failure. Could mean a trip to fight club too (even though we don’t talk about fight club).

3. What goes around, comes around! Negativity breeds negativity. Bash someone, chances are, you’re gonna get bashed back. If your dog poops on your neighbors lawn…yeah, their large horned wildebeast is probably going to lay some skids accross your lawn…Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but at some time…some time!

4. "Blow it off man!" A direct quote from my best friend in High School, who would tell me this, when I would become terribly agitated and / or stressed out as a result of slanderous accusations. Yeah, had a small chemical addiction problem back then…..Get called a name or someone says something you don’t necessarily agree with, let it go! At the end-o-the day, is it worth the time and stress-level increase to verbally spare with anyone for any reason, here on bodyspace? Honestly!!

5. "Don’t be quick to point out the splinter in someone else’s eye, before removing the plank from yours!" Rephrased: DON’T JUDGE OTHERS! Pretty self explanatory, yes?

6. Don’t live for the drama! Why does life have to be so dramatic, and why do we have to be so critical of what other people do? If someone wants to make a life decision, guess what? Well, it’s their life!! For every person that likes to wear parachute pants, there is an equal amount of people who don’t. Should those who don’t point and say, "What a bunch of Gweebs?" Would that make the situation better, and maybe get the parachute pant wearers to drop their intimate love for the fashion icon from the 80’s? NO! It may serve to only strengthen the parachute pant wearers love of their pants.

Right, wrong or indifferent, these are some of the proverbs I live by everyday, and guess what? I’m pretty darn stress free….and gosh darn it…people like me!! Alright, the part about people liking me may be debatable, but I think you get the point. 

Holy Schnike’s (HS)!!….Who is watching the media these days? They’ve run a muck with wreckless abandon! Who went ahead and gave them an all-access pass to say whatever they want without verifying or researching? Sweet Mother of All That is Holy (SMATH) can someone please tell me why our fantastic media is bent on insisting that steroids are:

1. Solely responsible for many of today’s greatest sports accomplishments

2. Greatly contributing to societal breakdown 

WARNING: The following is a rant regarding the potentially tired subject of Steroid use in professional sports and may contain language which might cause uneasiness for some….Proceed: but only if you have a deep desire to do so, because the scribe responsible for the content, has (apparently) some serious issues of his own….But, you probably already garnered that.

Alrighty already: Get on with it, RIGHT? Here we go then……

Been watching Barry Bonds surpass the all-time home run record on ESPN as of late? Been following the many accompanying stories regarding his alleged use of steroids? Heard anything else about steroids lately? How about the wrestlers?…..Do you care? I’m guessing, based on what the media is telling me, that I should definitely be very, VERY, concerned about the steroid issue. I mean HECK, according to them, it is a bigger public destroyer than crack cocaine, heroin, alcohol, depression and apparently, just about any other social menace you can come up with. Steroids are plastered all over the news, newspapers and web.

The following are a few quotes from our AWESOME and integrity-based media regarding steroids:

"Barry Bonds would never have even come close to approaching this record without the assistance of steroids."

"Baseball will never be the same, now that we have entered the steroid era."

"Football players have only been allowed to reach the size they are now because of steroids."

"Lance Armstrong would never have been able to win the Tour as many times as he did without some sort of steroid use."

"Pro-wrestlers use steroids plain and simple: and because of the intensity steroids produce, he killed his family and himself."

"His use of steroids during his pro career, caused him to enter into a depressed state and subsequent cocaine habit."

EXCUSE ME? Really??!! Steroids are that powerful and REALLY? They’re that hazardous?

These are just a few that I have read or heard over the last two days alone: I’m sure there have been more…..You want to know what my questions are to these so-called experts and their steroid theories? If so…

READ ON, MIGHTY BLOG ENTHUSIAST!

1.  If Barry can only attribute his homerun record to steroids, then:

-Why has he never failed a random drug test, and other players have?

-Why is he still hitting homeruns?

-Why did he hit homeruns even when he was a little fella?

2. Why is Alex Rodriguez the youngest ever to hit 500 homeruns?…I’m suspicious..Might we just go ahead and assume he is also using steroids? I guess so, right? Can’t hit that many without steroid use supposedly….

3. Where is the report and / or study that links steroid use to enhancing one’s hand eye coordination? That’s what hitting a ball is all about by the way….It’s the contact, not powerful swing. I don’t recall seeing this report…Anyone else?

4. If steroids are responsible for homeruns, should we now start testing Tiger Woods after golf tournaments? After all, he hits the ball an awful long ways, yes?….and if steroids are the only way to make a baseball go farther, HELLO, what might they do for a golf drive?

5.What do they mean when they just use the general term, steroids? What are we talking about here specifically? Do they mean a testosterone booster? If that’s the case, why do they always talk about Barry’s head and feet also being bigger? HHhhmm, isn’t that what growth hormone does? Which is it Mr. and Mrs. Experts? Steroids? GH? Can we get a distinction just to begin with? The ambiguity here tells me they are categorically generalizing, because of ignorance….What’s that? You too?

Okay reality based question for just a quick moment: 

Oh my god, what if these athletes actually bought something at Bodybuilding.com that naturally boosts GH and / or testosterone levels? Heaven forbid, right?? Natural products? What is our society coming too?

Now look, I don’t in any way condone steroid use or GH use for any healthy person….I understand their production for people who are in need of their services….Heck, I might seriously consider a testosterone booster, if my natural production depletes to a certain level (Just keeping it real folks). But for the healthy person, sorry, cannot condone ‘em. However, I’m not going to sit here and go along with our wonderful media representatives in the following two steroid related sweeping generalities:

1. Steroids are solely responsible for many of today’s great sports achievements.

2. Steroid use is greatly contributing to our societal break down.

Crap on the both of ‘em.

MEDIA FOLKS….DO SOME RESEARCH….BECOME INFORMED….THEN GET BACK WITH ME!! I’LL BE WAITING…..

Nuff said, Bodyauditor out!

Let’s call him Jim….no, let’s go with Henry…..how ’bout Jessica? For this quick blog, it doesn’t matter. We’ve all been in that situation where, regardless of how passive we may be….we’re ready to:

-THROW DOWN

-BEAT SOME A**

-WAIL ON SOMEONE

-PULL OUT THE STICK WE USE TO BEAT PEOPLE WITH

-GO TO FIGHT CLUB….EVEN THOUGH WE DON’T TALK ABOUT FIGHT CLUB

I think you get the point. Unfortunately, we have people living, working and playing in this society, that for all intents and purposes, just really don’t deserve that right. These are the people that make life anywhere from, just a hair to a boatload harder for, all the others who follow the rules, are courteous, humble, and savvy to the ways of the golden rule (that’s the one where you treat people like you want to be treated, remember?)

Why am I writing this, you ask? Well, I am so glad you decided to ask that question because I have a great reason, and beyond that one fantastic reason……I am gonna give you a couple of scenarios you’ve probably experienced once or twice, that most likely almost had you saying:

WHY?

The trigger event for this rant follows…..

While driving in the left lane on Interstate 10 (75 mph speed limit) to Tucson for work that will take place here all week, I was set to pass an elderly gent who was putting along at about 55 mph in his 1987 Datsun B-210.

BREAK: Real quick, is it just me, or isn’t it pretty much accepted LAW, that the left lane is the FAST LANE!!! Not the ’see how slow you can go lane,’ not the ‘I always drive in the left lane, lane,’ nor the ‘Fast, slow, fast, slow, fast, slow lane,’ which is what this chap obviously felt it was.

At any rate, I’m right behind this guy going 55 now (down from 80), and patiently waiting for Mr. Bugadaboggada to change lanes over into the RIGHT (or SLOWER) lane, so I can pass safely on the LEFT (or FAST, or passing) lane. But no, he continues to stay in the LEFT lane and continues……and continues…..and continues…… Finally, after my preturbed meter was moved one count, I go ahead (much against all that I stand for) and change lanes over into the right (or not for passing lane) so I can pass Mr. SSSLLLLOOOWWW.

What do you think Evil Kenevil in the Datsun did?

Yep you guessed it…..He sped up!!….WANKER!!!!! So he speeds up enough to keep me from passing and yup, I got stuck behind a Winnebago in the right lane while the, now, train of cars which are following Captain B-210 pass me and the Winnebago.

I patiently wait, because, that’s just who I am, and then change back over into the left lane and slowly but surely, I finally catch back up to the NEWLY BORN SPEED DEMON ROCKING DOWN THE ROAD AT 75 MPH in his B-210…….WHY??? Why is it that people can’t determine on their own verition what speed they should travel? I mean, the state and Federal folks have been so kind as to put out signs that bear suggested (these are suggestions, yes?) speed levels. So you don’t even have to really make a choice if you don’t want to. But no, people can’t even read these very simple to understand signs….Oh well, to make a long rant even longer, when I finally passed, Mr. "I will not relinquesh my spot here in the left lane and will subsequently defend it with my life," on the right side, I noticed that not only was he most likely one day older than God himself, but he was eating a hot-dog and driving with his KNEES!!!! Are you kidding me? How did this guy make it so far in life?…..Obviously a pact with some less-than stellar creature, late at night, involving a Ouigi board! Don’t worry, I didn’t slam into the guy with my work truck and run him off into the ditch……..Or did I ? HHHmmmm…..

Okay, now that I’ve got the main-wanker moment covered, here’s a few more people who have no clue as to how life should be lived, complete with my own take on a title for each:

1. Ms. Make-up caker lady…Yep, you know you’ve seen her…the one who has on so much makeup, that Revlon and Mary Kay, have markers planted on her credit so they can determine what their production levels should be for the next month. Does this lady make anyone else just want to stick their finger in her face, just to see how deep it really is?

2. Captain Impatient and in-line man….He’s the guy, who is either in front or in back of you in line, huffing and panting in response to how long the line is taking….most typically, he will go ahead and try to get your buy-in to his frustration by throwing this very generic one-liner your direction: "Can you believe this line?" Usually, before you can answer, he’ll just go ahead and continue…."Unbelievable, how can this be taking so long, what can possibly be so important up there, why don’t they open another line?"

For this guy, who wouldn’t love responding with, "Actually, I completely understand why it’s taking so long, if I was that person up there, I’d slow it down too! If I knew someone as ugly as your butt-face was coming up, there’s no way I would try and rush!" Or some variant thereof….C’mon, the shear shock value alone would be worth it…..you know it would!

3. Tommie / Tammy the topper…..We all know this person…typically he / she works with us, or is related in some capacity. They are the individual, who has done, seen, experienced or known someone who has…..done, seen or experienced EVERYTHING. Regardless of what you have to say, this person has been involved with something that is just better in all aspects. Example: 

"Hey Tommie, I had the best weekend. Dude we went to the Dallas Cowboys game and actually got Roger Staubach’s autograph!" Tommie’s automated generic variable-laced reply: "Ho-hum, that’s nothing….Roger’s not only coming to my house for dinner tonight, but he’s my best friend in the whole world. And, he’s pretty much told me that if I so chose, I could easily be an NFL quarterback, because I throw the ball better than he does. I just don’t really want to be in the NFL, it’s so lame, ya know?"…….."Whatever Tommie."

4. Total butt-wipe boss…..This is the guy, who demonstrates over and over why he doesn’t have any friend’s or family outside of work because:

He’s generally a not very good looking individual, but thinks he is, and claims to be a ladies man. Not only does he tout how awesome and athletic he is (even though he shows signs of belt-expansion-stress), he generally can be found speaking highly of himself to the ladies in the office. He is always riding you for your reports, even though you turned them in already. He will allow you to do things, unless they go wrong, then he disavows any knowledge of ever giving permission and subsequently writes you up. He’s always creating frivelous work, like more spreadsheets to track things, even though the job is going very well….and last, yep, he’s generally got not only butt-breath, but horrible BO as well….bad teeth too…..Not so good. 

We all know these people, and know that there are more of them out there. But fortunately, we are civilized people, and have not beaten the crap out of them or stuck our fingers in their face……..Or have we? HHHhhmmm…….

Here’s to enjoying the Wanker’s who infiltrate our lives regularly….For without them, who would make us feel better about ourselves!!

B-auditor out…..

"Does anybody really love anyone anyway?"

We sit in traffic, stewing about this, that and the other.

We blow up at the idiot who just pulled out right in front of us: even though we did the same thing to someone else yesterday!

We stand in line, watching the elderly lady sort through her coupons in a discombobulated fashion, just burning inside as we watch the other lines move more quickly and seemingly effortlessly.

We work all day, wanting to make a real difference, only to have our efforts dashed by the one above us, who perceptually has the intellectual capacity of a North American Tree Slug…..

Inherently, we are driven to inspire and assist; only to be thwarted by the distractions of our fast paced societal ebb and flow:

Spouse

Girlfriend

Boyfriend

Parents

Kids

Bills

Credit cards

Mortgage

Home owner responsibilities

World peace

Iraq

Terrorism

Airport Security Lines

Green house gasses

Environment

Gas prices

Vehicle issues

Work hassles

Bosses

Co-workers

The list can go on……….Stress, Depression, Uncertainty, Aggravation, Hate, Anger, Envy, Jealousy….

Have you taken a moment lately, to cherish life? Have you appreciated your job and the pay (whatever if may be) that it comes with? As of late, have you stopped to appreciate the trees, animals, personalities, detail and craftmanship of anything which surrounds your life? When was the last time, you said the word, "remarkable" about anything? How about that perfect cup of coffee you just had the other day? How about the new pillow you purchased to go with your awesome bed, that provides you with a great nights sleep…speaking of sleep….how about that great powernap you had this past weekend? And for us folks here in the Southwest…..did you appreciate, REALLY APPRECIATE, the recent Monsoon rains….or did you curse ‘em because they inhibited your commute? If healthy, how about your health, whatever condition you may be in? If you live in a free society….have you appreciated freedom lately?

Amidst all the hustle and bustle, have you thought about someone else….truly thought of someone else? Not lusted over or idolized!! But actually thought compassionately about. How about the spouse who deep down, even though there might be fights, love’s you unconditionally? The girlfriend and or boyfriend who sent you an email, letter or gift, just to say….."I’m thinking about you!" How about the dog, cat, and or pet, who despite recent bathroom accidents in the house, can’t wait to see you when you get home from work?

Challenge:

Today, stop to appreciate one thing: JUST ONE THING. Start with that one thing: For only at that moment, can a real difference be made and subsequently felt….

Does Anyone really love anyone, anyway?

Believe it or not, I get asked quite frequently about my workout regimen, my diet and innevitably, the supplements I am taking. Or as I like to call them, "THE BIG THREE!" The answers I respond with have varied over the last twenty years of my bodybuilding enthusiasm: for the most part, in-line with whatever my goals were at that time. I have done everything from low-rep, heavy-weight training to high-rep, low-weight training, followed a myriad of different diet schemes, from morphed versions of the Atkins to a full-blown See-food diet (yep, that’s the one where you eat everything you see), and have taken a plethora of different supplements, from miscellaneous herbs (some were of the recreational type..wink, wink) to all kinds of protein and amino acid mixtures.

So currently, where do I stand on these three different areas, you ask? My friends, buckle up and let’s take a ride on the "This guy is a loon-job," express: Allow me to pontificate for a brief moment, my sometimes and in someways, very warped views of workouts, diets, and supplements! Remember? THE BIG THREE!!

Over the next few blogs, I wll discuss these three imperative requirements for reaching any fitness goal.

WARNING: The following information is personal opinion only, and in no way should be interpreted as science-proven fact. The writer of this blog has been known to ramble excessively and in circles, ulitmately saying nothing, while speaking volumes. Proceed at your own risk! 

First up: WORKOUTS!

If there is one thing that I would say works for sure when it comes to meeting fitness goals and in regards to actually working the muscle, it would be to say, that there is no one (ONE) thing that works repeatedly, consistently and in a sustained manner for all fitness goals. The very first thing a person should determine before starting any type of workout regimen, is to decide what your fitness goal is. 

HHHhhmmm, let’s ponder for a moment the numerous goals that a person could decide upon:

-Build bigger muscles

-Build more detailed and aesthetically pleasing muscles

-Get stronger

-Become more anaerobically or aerobically fit

-Lose bodyfat

-Lose weight

-Gain weight

-Have a bigger noggin (sorry folks, this one can’t happen naturally, (HGH is your ticket here))

These are just a few of the available options: chances are you fit into one of these categories, and potentially, you subscribe to more than one of these. For any case, a decision should be determined before even stepping foot into the gym. Too many people determine that they are ready to get into shape. What does this actually mean? Honestly, haven’t you heard this many times before: maybe you’ve said it before. 

"I’m gonna get into shape this year, darn it!! I’m serious this time!"

Doesn’t matter: the only thing that matters, is that you now must expand on whatever shape means and ask yourself what you are truly after. Are you looking to qualify for the Boston marathon? Maybe you’re just looking to fit back into your pants that you now have to pull on with boot hooks……Either way, determine your specific fitness goal. If you can narrow your focus in on one specific goal, chances are much better that you will not only attain that goal, but you will maintain that achieved level as well. If you begin a fitness routine with no real end, chances are VERY strong that you will end up burning out well before any real hint of progress is noticed.

With that, the first and only real recommendation I can make in regards to working out is: GET A GOAL PEOPLE!!! From there, you can determine which type of training will best suit your needs. Now, just for fun, let’s zero in on one goal and explore potentially the best path for achieving successful completion of that goal………….. 

Alright……..ALRIGHT already: My current goal it is, if you’re gonna insist!

SHAPING and REFINING the MUSCLE.

Since I had previously determined that a natural bodybuilding show was imminently on the horizon for me, I supposed that it was very necessary to see what my muscles actually looked like under the blubber-laden, skin-suit I had been wearing for the last two years. With that determination and specific goal in place, I set out to work my muscles in a fashion that would push the most blood into them during each workout, as well as instill many different types of exercises for each bodypart in order to hit each muscle from every conceivable angle.

BLOOD-VOLUME training is what I decided upon. Not sure who initially developed this type of workout, or who coined the phrase, but Craig Titus is the first person I ever read about who utilized this type of training exclusively. The main tenet of the blood volume process is:

-Force as much blood into one muscle group as possible during a workout…hhmmm, almost sounds like my goal: huh?

So with that, I upped my reps into the 15-20 range for each exercise, and reduced my rest time between sets to less than 30 seconds. I also increased my exercise variety, by including many pulley and isolation exercises, such as overhead pulley-pulls / extensions and laterals: but did NOT drop any core power exercises, such as squats, deads, military’s, and flat bench.

On a side note here, if you have never done the power-core’s in high-rep, low-rest-time fashion and you love pain as I do, you owe it to yourself to try it just once…..It was love at first try for me, but then again, science hasn’t developed a cure for what I have yet.

ENOUGH already, you say…Let you off this long and seemingly never ending ride? Afraid I can’t do that. You bought the ticket, remember? However, I will say we’re almost done. Does that help? Doesn’t matter! Results from last four months: 

-More muscle shape

-Better definition

-Euphoric and stimulating pumps

-Increased vascularity

Nuff said on workouts yes? Good, I’m winded.

Next up for the Body Auditor’s personal pontification regarding the BIG THREE: Diet!

BodyAuditor out: Thanks for stopping by, peace and good will towards all peoplekind, close the door behind you and remember, If you’re not making a difference, what’s the point?