Monday grind
The alarm clock irritatingly suggests it’s time to get out of bed. I slam a fist at the snooze button, in secret hope that this time, it will break. Ten minutes and a solid snoozefest later, my broken alarm clock goal, is shattered as the clock valiantly, defiantly and irritatingly refuses to give up with it’s annoying buzz sound. Stupid alarm clock!! Defeated, and realizing that tomorrow will be another opportunity to finally bring about the alarm clock’s demise, I pull myself out of bed: Slowly, cautiously and with fog-laden vision. As I make my way to the bathroom for the usual morning radiator drain, I step on one of my wife’s high healed shoes, lose my balance and slam my head into the bathroom door frame…..Not a good first sign: Potentially signalling a less-than stellar Monday, yes?
As I am relieving the pressure from my nether-regions with my eye’s closed, I actually fall back asleep for just a moment: unfortunately, long enough for my aim to faulter and I end up peeing all over the floor. Negative sign number two. As I am cleaning up the peetle-puddle, the toilet paper I am using for the mop-job, indicates rapidly by it’s very-soaked state, that I did not procure the right amount before starting the hazardous chemical clean-up: My hand is now soaked. Bad sign number three.
BREAK and MOMENT FOR CONSIDERATION of DECISION MAKING: At this point here, with three strikes against me, the sane person would consider strongly calling in sick, in lieu of actually continuing on with a Monday that has for most intents and purposes, become a crapper of a day. Not me my friends….I weather the storms and continue on…..FOOL!!!
Once at the refrigerator, I immediately drop my yogurt from on high and it rapidly decends to the floor way below, subsequently blowing its contents through the protective wrap and cap, all over the floor and yes, on to my feet and ankles as well. Bad sign number four. The clean-up is a lengthy process:
1. Wipe up the spilled yogurt from not only the floor, but my feet and ankles.
2. Clean same said areas with a wet paper towel.
3. Wipe and dry said areas with dry paper towel.
4. Check said areas for stickiness with foot and hand.
5. If necessary, repeat steps 1 - 4.
I have now sat down at the table with my yogurt and whey protein powder combo and am mixing aimlessly while staring at the TV which is telling me the Dallas Cowboys might be contenders this year. Repeat…..the Dallas Cowboys might be contenders this year!! Hope is in the air: Righteous! I feel vindicated with my decision to continue. Good sign number one.
As I am enjoying my good fortune, my large German Sheppard scoots by on his butt while pulling himself with his front paws. While a very funny sight, it usually is not a good indication that he is merely doing this for my entertainment purposes. Timidly, I walk into the front living room where the large breed dog had previously just scooted from to discover much to my chagrin, but not suprise, that indeed he had just completed a scary episode of a bowel blaster: the Hershey squirts, the entrail explosions, the butt blowers, the tumultuous turd tinkels…..you get the point. Bad sign number five. Now if you’re keeping score, things are not adding up for a succesful Monday. "Go back to bed," I think. But no, the other weird saddistic part of me that enjoys torture says, "Continue on good man….for no particular reason other than you enjoy pain." So I do….potentially reasoning that surely it can only get better, right?
WRONG….Soon after clean-up of the toxic Dog explosion, and during my morning Flax and soy cereal feeding session, my very fat cat, as if feeling left out of the fun, determines that it is time for a fur-ball expurgation….and for sure, not on the tile, but on the carpet: as the tile clean-up would have been entirely too easy. I can only watch as the Furry Ferocious Feline coughs, spatters, hacks and in an expert manner, procedes to produce a foamy, smelly ball of fur. Bad sign number six.
I am angered, and give the cat a mean look, in preperation for a verbal, epithat-laden barrage, when suddenly the clock in the upstairs loft, chymes five times; indicating a remainder of only thirty minutes before my mandatory work-on-time egress. I quickly clean up the cat leavings, while intermittently shooting the cat, who is now just cleaning herself, really mean looks and asking her "why?" The cat of course is oblivious to my ramblings and continues to lounge and clean: what a rough life I think.
THE LAST STRAW.
I fling my arms in a futile attempt to see my way through the steam I have just created from my ten minute, darn-near skin scoarchingly hot shower. As I safely make it to the sinks, I notice that my electric shaver is still plugged in. With all of the moisture in the air, I wonder if there might be a potential electrical-short problem lingering. Suddenly and with Chris Angel-like predicting powers, the power to the entire house short’s out and I am left standing in the steamy, now dark bathroom. Bad sign number seven.
As I lay back down after explaining to my boss that things are not going to work out today, the neighbors dog begins a barking epic, further justifying my return to bed on this botched Monday Grind.
July 30, 2007 at 10:39 am
Dang! You and I almost had similar mornings! Awesomely entertaining blog! I hope the rest of your day improves.
July 30, 2007 at 12:15 pm
Thanks for the healthy dose of laughter you just gave me. Entertaining to say the least. Sorry to hear your Monday started off so poorly, but hope it has gotten better. One of the perks of being a teacher…no "Mondays" in the summer.
July 30, 2007 at 12:30 pm
Best. Blog. Ever.
Sorry it’s been a bad day, but at least the story was entertaining
July 30, 2007 at 8:12 pm
This one statement makes the day worth it! "The Dallas Cowboys might be contenders this year" Yet another fine blog my friend, All I can say is Thanks.
And to quote Will Rogers—
"Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else."
July 31, 2007 at 8:50 am
Not quite the same but you might appreicate anyways: A few weeks ago I got home from a workout, all I could focus on was getting my protein shake. I typically mix them in a large stimless red wine glass because you can get a really good swirl going without the protein flying out the top of the glass. Looks funny drinking protein out of a wine glass but it works when the shakers are dirty. So I add two scoops of vanilla protein, about 50 grams. This time thou I decide to treak myself and instead of water use the last 6 - 8oz’s of Vanilla Rice Milk. I start mixing, I have really good swirl action going. Right about the time I go to stop swirling, BAMMM!!! Within a blink of the eye my entire kitchen counter and floor is covered in a perfectly evenly distributed layer of rice milk protein shake. In my left hand I hold a completely empty wine glass. I just stood there and looked around. It was like a protein cannon and it just sprayied everywhere. My 7 yr daughter walks in the living room and looks in to the kitchen and says "what the heck did you do?" I was like "I have no idea". I look at the glass and there is a perfectly round circle about the size of a golf ball where the spoon I was using cracked the glass. It was perfectly round. So, my wife, thankfully, who saw the humor which I failed to see, helped me clean the entire kitchen. Did the sticky floor test several times too. It is amazing how 8 oz of liquid can spread out over a 100 sq feet so perfectly. Finally after about 20 minutes I got my protein shake. No rice milk thou. The moral of the store, wine glasses have very thin walls, be careful.
Great blog BA. I can relate to about everything excpet the dog, don’t have one of those.
July 31, 2007 at 9:08 am
Now that’s a funny story Mr. Fields. And yes, it is amazing how thoroughly a spilled contaminate, can cover a large surface area, seemingly with a times two-hundred factor. Duelly noted on the wine-glass thing…thanks for the warning!