Warped Fireside Chats

The alarm clock irritatingly suggests it’s time to get out of bed. I slam a fist at the snooze button, in secret hope that this time, it will break. Ten minutes and a solid snoozefest later, my broken alarm clock goal, is shattered as the clock valiantly, defiantly and irritatingly refuses to give up with it’s annoying buzz sound. Stupid alarm clock!! Defeated, and realizing that tomorrow will be another opportunity to finally bring about the alarm clock’s demise, I pull myself out of bed: Slowly, cautiously and with fog-laden vision. As I make my way to the bathroom for the usual morning radiator drain, I step on one of my wife’s high healed shoes, lose my balance and slam my head into the bathroom door frame…..Not a good first sign: Potentially signalling a less-than stellar Monday, yes?

As I am relieving the pressure from my nether-regions with my eye’s closed, I actually fall back asleep for just a moment: unfortunately, long enough for my aim to faulter and I end up peeing all over the floor. Negative sign number two. As I am cleaning up the peetle-puddle, the toilet paper I am using for the mop-job, indicates rapidly by it’s very-soaked state, that I did not procure the right amount before starting the hazardous chemical clean-up: My hand is now soaked. Bad sign number three.

BREAK and MOMENT FOR CONSIDERATION of DECISION MAKING: At this point here, with three strikes against me, the sane person would consider strongly calling in sick, in lieu of actually continuing on with a Monday that has for most intents and purposes, become a crapper of a day. Not me my friends….I weather the storms and continue on…..FOOL!!!

Once at the refrigerator, I immediately drop my yogurt from on high and it rapidly decends to the floor way below, subsequently blowing its contents through the protective wrap and cap, all over the floor and yes, on to my feet and ankles as well. Bad sign number four. The clean-up is a lengthy process:

1. Wipe up the spilled yogurt from not only the floor, but my feet and ankles.

2. Clean same said areas with a wet paper towel.

3. Wipe and dry said areas with dry paper towel.

4. Check said areas for stickiness with foot and hand.

5. If necessary, repeat steps 1 - 4.

I have now sat down at the table with my yogurt and whey protein powder combo and am mixing aimlessly while staring at the TV which is telling me the Dallas Cowboys might be contenders this year. Repeat…..the Dallas Cowboys might be contenders this year!! Hope is in the air: Righteous! I feel vindicated with my decision to continue. Good sign number one.

As I am enjoying my good fortune, my large German Sheppard scoots by on his butt while pulling himself with his front paws. While a very funny sight, it usually is not a good indication that he is merely doing this for my entertainment purposes. Timidly, I walk into the front living room where the large breed dog had previously just scooted from to discover much to my chagrin, but not suprise, that indeed he had just completed a scary episode of a bowel blaster: the Hershey squirts, the entrail explosions, the butt blowers, the tumultuous turd tinkels…..you get the point. Bad sign number five. Now if you’re keeping score, things are not adding up for a succesful Monday. "Go back to bed," I think. But no, the other weird saddistic part of me that enjoys torture says, "Continue on good man….for no particular reason other than you enjoy pain." So I do….potentially reasoning that surely it can only get better, right?

WRONG….Soon after clean-up of the toxic Dog explosion, and during my morning Flax and soy cereal feeding session, my very fat cat, as if feeling left out of the fun, determines that it is time for a fur-ball expurgation….and for sure, not on the tile, but on the carpet: as the tile clean-up would have been entirely too easy. I can only watch as the Furry Ferocious Feline coughs, spatters, hacks and in an expert manner, procedes to produce a foamy, smelly ball of fur. Bad sign number six.

I am angered, and give the cat a mean look, in preperation for a verbal, epithat-laden barrage, when suddenly the clock in the upstairs loft, chymes five times; indicating a remainder of only thirty minutes before my mandatory work-on-time egress. I quickly clean up the cat leavings, while intermittently shooting the cat, who is now just cleaning herself, really mean looks and asking her "why?" The cat of course is oblivious to my ramblings and continues to lounge and clean: what a rough life I think.

THE LAST STRAW.

I fling my arms in a futile attempt to see my way through the steam I have just created from my ten minute, darn-near skin scoarchingly hot shower. As I safely make it to the sinks, I notice that my electric shaver is still plugged in. With all of the moisture in the air, I wonder if there might be a potential electrical-short problem lingering. Suddenly and with Chris Angel-like predicting powers, the power to the entire house short’s out and I am left standing in the steamy, now dark bathroom. Bad sign number seven.

As I lay back down after explaining to my boss that things are not going to work out today, the neighbors dog begins a barking epic, further justifying my return to bed on this botched Monday Grind. 

So here I am three and one half months into a cutting phase, 194 pounds and eleven percent bodyfat (BF). Now this is down from an all out one year (quite frankly) fattening stage, 220 pounds and 26 percent BF. When I first started this cutting cycle I had every intention of competing this last June in a natural competition. However, because of my EVIL job and its traveling requirements, my diet was not quite where it probably should’ve been. Let’s just face the facts here, when I came to the conclusion that my June contest aspirations were in the dumper, I had two potential goal options:

1. Stay on the cut, and see just how lean I might be able to get.

2. Trash the cut, and say hello to cheesecake, hamburgers, pizza, and the veritable plethora of processed entree’s that the rest-o-the Country seemingly is so obsessed with.

Well, as you have already surmised (most likely anyway), I chose to stick with the diet at least until the end of summer (for Phoenix, that’s the end of September). And so, with that, I have made some observations that will be beneficial for my next leaning phase before my competition next April:

1. First and foremost, I love the pump I get when I’m lean. The vascularity alone is addicting and dare I say, is almost pure ecstacy. Look, I know that sounds like a huge statement, but for those of you who know what I’m talking about (you in the back row), can I get an AMEN!!

2. By keeping my intake of healthy fats high: Olive oil on salads, Omega 3 and 6 supplementation, Hazelnuts, Pistachios, Amonds and Peanuts (all raw and unsalted of course), and Beef and Pork sparingly, my strength has not dropped too much, considering the amount of weight I’ve dropped. This by the way, has also kept my mood from dropping into the tank too much. During cutting phases of the past, which pretty much have been limited to protein, minimal fat and a bit-o carbs, my moods have been anywhere from less-than-pleasant to just all-out-penis-like.

3. With the inclusion of Mrs. Dashes no-sodium spice products and Vinegars and Oils on the salads, my diet is actually pleasant and almost enjoyable.

4. Since my main premise for the diet was to throw out most if not all processed foods (breads, microwave products, and pre-seasoned meats) I figured this diet might be hard to follow, because of inconvenience. Not so my friends!! It has not been a burden at all, and let me just get real here for a moment: My body is working so much smoother than it has in the last ten years! I think you know what I’m talking about here, right? No? Spelled out for the slower people (like myself most of the time okay) Digestive process regularity (got it). My overall health is so much improved as well. I’m talking about the duration of physical activiy equation: don’t get out of breath easy and can keep up with my twelve and eight year old sons with whatever it is they want to throw my way. I attribute these two improvements solely to the absence or lack of processed foods.

On a side note regarding processed foods: Have you looked at the amount of sodium in things nowadays……What are we doing to people with all that sodium?

Okay, back on track…..

5. And lastly, the comments I have received from people over the last month or so, have been first and foremost, flattering: but mostly, shocking. Remember, I’m 26 pounds lighter than I was before I started to cut. I have heard the following generic and summarized comment numerous times:

"Wow Scott, you look great! Are you working out again?"

Excuse me? Working out again?…..you know I never stopped thank you very much. Just because I looked like a bull moose, doesn’t mean I wasn’t moving the weights, okay!!

At any rate, the bottom line here, is that my shape and muscularity are finally coming out from behind that thermal insulator for people to see. And I must say, I am loving me the pump, as a result.

Moral of the story: Leaning out ROCKS!!

Generalized game plan for my contest next April is as follows: 

-Continue to lean and instill definition until the end of September

-Begin a three and a half month clean bulk phase: Clean carbs, limited processed foods

- Middle of January (yep, after the fattening holidays): Begin pre-contest cutting phase in hopes of being five pounds below weight by two weeks before the contest. During those two-weeks, I want to eat my way up to competition weight for a fuller effect.

For now that’s all from the clean burning BodyAuditor: Thank you BS and good evening!

THANKS to all of you Natural Athletes out there reading this, who grind it out day after day, night after night with the weights, adhere to that diet at the dinner table and push millions of miles on the recumbant. For you are to be saluted: Not only for your physical accomplishments, but for your character accomplishments as well! Read on…..

"Dude, you are looking huge! What are you taking?"

"Wow Girlie, you look smokin’ hot? Whatcha taking? You have gotta tell me!!"

Sound familiar? Chances are that if you have been lifting for some time, are exhibiting some muscle, maybe alot of muscle, and look any different than you once did…..you’ve been asked this question at one time or another, by either a friend, acquintance, or total stranger:

"What are you taking?" 

Now, this question can be met with anger or pride, depending on who you are, what your internal makeup is and of course, whether or not you are actually taking something.

Are you a person who thrives on input from others? Do you gauge your success by what other people think of you? At work, are you only successful, if someone points out your acheivements?

This question most likely answers whether or not you have, are or plan to ingest or inject hormonal implants (steroids). The following are personalities in a neighborhood near you, who workout, but either say "yes" or "no."

-Self starter Boy….does without direction: says "NO" to the ‘roids.

-Captain Hanger…hangs on other peoples thoughts of them: Flaming roid abuser

-Ms. Proactive…. could-care-less what you think: Roid rejector

-Colonel Warped….Self image of a skunk: Rectal roid rammer

Feel free to add any characters you are familiar with…….

There has been a boatload of discussion regarding steroids recently, whether it be baseball, cycling, track / field or any other major sport. Bodybuilding traditionally has entertained steroidal discussions for the past sixty years: for obvious reasons. It is because of this latest media frenzy and many blogs here on BS as of late, that I will now throw my less than two cents in on the subject.

Bodybuilding might either be a major player in your life or not even an entertained thought; as you prefer to just think of yourself as a person of fitness. Regardless of your goals for moving the iron, the generalized goal most likely is the same: "Give me some muscle"….some want more than others for sure. So, in this quest, we all eventually have come, are at, or will come to a dead end on our road to making progress. It is at this junction that we will have to re-evaluate what we are doing: And ulitmately, it boils down to two additional paths we may choose:

1. Change routines, machines, and diet….This road of course is not infinite with progress. On the contrary this road allows us to ulitmately hit our true, naturally selected and intended size as well as our aesthetic potential. 

2. Seek out chemical enhancements, which will allow us to stretch passed our natural abilities.

At this point here, I would suggest that any and all reading this, opt for number one. My reasons? Simple:

-Your body was intended to reach certain proportions as is determined by your DNA. Accept it and be happy with it. The human body is much more beautiful and functions on an amazing level when it is operating within it’s inherent requirements.

-Knowing that you are doing something without an "edge" should provide outright and natural motivation. When you have ingested something that is predetermined to make something easier, aka building muscle, where is the challenge and what now is the goal? To reach the extreme potential of a chemical that will, yes, build more muscle, but may also destroy your health? Not to mention your natural aesthetics and internal fitness level. Sounds alluring, yes?…..NOT!!

-Taking a chemical to enhance your physique states only (and maybe only to yourself, because it might never be detected) that you have proven the existence of an internally low self esteem, not to mention a low level of morality. HEY, you’re a decent person, how can I say this you ask? Well, if you feel the need to take something to push into an unexpected and unintended physical state, it’s most likely because you are an attention boarhog. Secondly, if you are competing, you most likely are not walking in and telling the world and / or judges that you have taken a banned substance: hence you are a cheater, yes?

-And if you are a cheater….and as the old saying goes: Who are you ultimately cheating by cheating? (Yeah I know it’s a tired saying, but) YES, MY FRIEND, YOU’RE CHEATING YOURSELF!!

Analogy:

Young whipper snapper number one elected not to cheat on the test and failed. His parents scolded him and as a result, he studied harder for the next test and passed. Upon graduating, he interviewed for an open slot for the University of Texas. Ironically, the interview contained many of the questions he had studied for and therefore smoked the interview. He was ultimately accepted.

Young whipper snapper number two elected to cheat on all of his tests, passed them with aces, and subsequently ensured that many a people and entity heard about his achievements loud and proud. Graduation day came and low-n-behold, The Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) came a knockin’. During the interview, many of the lower level questions our heroic young cheater had earlier unmoralistically answered were lobbed his way. Do I need to finish the story or do you get the point? Really….okay well he didn’t get the open MIT spot because he didn’t know the softball questions.

Moral: Look deep inside if you are considering taking the ROIDS tonight and ask yourself whether or not the ultimate goal for which you are willing to take something, banned, illegal and unmoralistic does not need to be reconsidered. I would suggest that if you value your persona, your character, and your long range physical condition….you will opt to do it the natural way!

Tonight my friends, be the one who said no to the roid-rhomba-juice, then proudly listen to the question, "Dude / Dudette, what are you taking," and know that you have accomplished something fantastic……Naturally!!

So right there in front of me for most of the daily commute was a buffed out four-by-four truck with a great lift, great tires, great paint job, great dual chrome exhaust, great limo-tint, and a billet grill. Awesome and dare I say "great truck," right? WRONG!! Because right there in the middle of the back window was a huge sticker of Calvin (ya know, of Calvin and Hobbs fame) flipping me off, giving me the bird, telling me I’m number one, informing me of his IQ or his p*nis size…You get my drift.

The preceding was an example of a rash of "Stupid Stickers" that I have noticed becoming more prevelant as of late: at least in the three different states I frequent here in the Southwest. I’m just having a hard time wrapping myself around this latest fad. So, before I put in my two cents (potentially less than), here are a few more examples of "Stupid Stickers," I’ve seen as-o-late:

1. The two sticker, naked angel / devil lady combo. What does this mean? A naked angel lady, and a naked devil lady? Which one is going to give the good advice? The naked Angel lady? Does it matter, because they are both naked? Just not sure what the message is with this one.

2. A stick dude urinating on a plethora of symbols / emblems. Example: Stick figure dude is urinating on a CHEVY symbol. Ya know, I’ve owned about twenty different vehicles in my life-time, ranging from domestic to foreign, car to truck, etc. And honestly, is one brand really that much better than the other? I don’t think so. And beyond the vehicle thing, why would you want a sticker of anything that is peeing on your vehicle? It’s peeing…Hello….just thoughts.

3. A Sticker that typically will have a vehicle emblem in the middle with the words, "Bad A** Dudes / Chicks drive Bad A** (Vehicle name inserted here). Example FORD, "Bad A** dudes drive Bad A** Fords!" REALLY? So, if I go purchase a Ford, I’ll automatically be a bad a** Dude? Or do you actually have to be a bad a** dude or chick to purchase the Ford in the first place? Will the dealer turn me away if I’m looking to buy a Ford truck, and the on-the-ball salesperson identifies me as a less-than bad a**? Just curious.

4. Anything Political. When was the last time you changed your mind about anything remotely political due to the bumper sticker you saw on that broken down VW bus? Honestly, I’m not going to change my view of our president because you saw it fit to put a sticker on your vehicle bumper that states, " Geroge W. was wrong." Unfortunately, when I see something on someones bumper that is contrary to my political views….yep, you guessed it: I think to myself, "What a goober."

5. Okay last example (although there are a myriad more) is not actually a sticker. It’s the actual plastic molding of a set of bulls ba**s that hang from the tow-hitch of typically large pick-up trucks. The only thing I have to say here is……WHY?

 Can someone please explain to me, the reasoning behind putting sticker’s (or other things, (ref. 5)) on a vehicle, regardless if it’s a stud mobile or a downright beater, that either are intended to irritate, provoke emotions of a negative nature, or are sexual or political in theme? I’m getting up into the gerriatric sect now, and maybe that has everything to do with it, but I just don’t get why anyone would want to send a consistently negative message to their fellow drivers who might or might not be packing heat! Do these "Stupid Sticker" appliers not understand that their little message to the rest-o-the world is seen by potentially thousands of innocent bystanders each day?

Two words and some advice for the "Stupid Sticker" appliers of the world: ROAD RAGE. Hello, if you’re randomly flipping someone off through the so-called humor of your recently applied "Stupid-Sticker," you might just deserve everything you get as a result. People have bad days. All People! Yep, even the ones that carry guns, num chucks, throwing stars, brass knuckles, and tazers.

So, in closing, if you are thinking of applying that recently purchased Sticker of a stick dude urinating on a Dallas Cowboys symbol…..I ask that you think twice: in the name of protecting yourself from a potential a** beating, and / or keeping our society from regressing any further in regards to its sanity. 

Ya know, this blog is long overdue my friends, and I gotta tell you, it’s one I’ve told myself time and time again must be written for the advancement of peoplekind (my word by the way). LOL or Laugh out Loud, as well as LMAO or Laugh my a** off, OMG or Oh My God, are just a few examples of phrases that unfortunately, have come to the point in their usefullness, that they are more tired than cute, catchy and creative. How many times have you read these phrases here on bodyspace, in email, a text or even a blog? Too many, right? I have read some messages that can’t go more than two sentences without using LOL repeatedly…..Honestly, how many times can you really Laugh Out Loud in response to one idea? The following is an example of not only how overused these phrases can be, but how annoying they can get after the first million times they are used:

"OMG You! Your pictures look great LOL. I am gonna have to burn a copy for my refrigerator LOL. Yep, you’re right, OMG I’m such a goober LMAO. OMG I think that you should just eat the Twinkie anyway LOL. Better write back soon OMG and LOL, because I am gonna go to the store and buy that Twinkie for you if you don’t LMAO!"

I suppose you get the picture. So, I propose some new acronyms that are witty, edgy and potentially awe inspiring. The following will be the spelled out new-phrase with its acronym in parenthesis, and then a short example sentence (and potentially warning note) demonstarting the acronyms proper usage:

1. Spanked Em Good (SEG) - "Had a brutally rough workout tonight (SEG)."

2. Holy Schnikes (HS) - "(HS) Your new pics are smoking hot." -This one typically will be used at the beginning of a sentence so it might require a little practice at home before a successful application might be logged.

3. Extreme Doofus (ED) - "I couldn’t help myself: the cheesecake just looked so good, and she was so hot, I had to have a bite….what an (ED) I am." -Now, this acronym is also used to indicate a male sexual disorder, so an appropriate usage and audience check might be necessary before utilization.

4.  Sweet Mother of All that is Holy (SMATH) - "(SMATH), I was so on-fire after reading the BodyAuditor’s blog about his World Gym workouts that I had to go and blast my arms too (SMATH)!" - Note: this was an example of an advanced double-usage-acronym and therefore is most likely not appropriate for utilization by certified ED’s.

5. Peed My Pants (PMP) -  "Remember that one guy who forgot to put the collars on the curl bar and then proceeded to let the twenty-fives slip off the end?….Remember how funny his expression was when he realized the one plate fell right onto Ronnie’s big toe? (PMP)"

6. Like a Giant Turd (LGT) - "Dude, my workout stunk tonight (LGT)!"

7. What a Righteous Babe (WRB) - Did you see ChickenTuna’s new avi? (WRB)!!!!!

8. Dude’s A Monster (DAM) - "Yeah, I saw Ronnie at the show (DAM)!"

9. Obviously Photo Shopped (OPS) - "Did you see that one girl’s avi with the school dress on (OPS)?"

10. Not An Expert (NAE) - "Well, your conundrum sounds quite serious. Now, I’m (NAE) but I have found that if you soak ‘em in baby oil and then give ‘em a good rub down, they’ll begin to feel much better immediately. Would you like for me to try?"

 Alright, well that does it for now. Remember, you are NAE at this, so tread lightly as you begin to throw these things around, some folks might become uncomfortable upon seeing new phrases.