Memoirs of a reluctant Bulker

WARNING: The following is a rant of epic proportion, which might contain irritating language and embarrassing situational matter. The writer of this rant, offers self serving suggestions and irrational realistic thoughts regarding the most troublesome dining situations he experiences while on the road (OTR) auditing. Any convulsions or revulsions that might be experienced while reading the following cannot and will not cause any sympathetic feelings to emerge from the obviously irrational situational illustrator of this banter-driven literary device. Continue at your own risk, and remember, he / she who farts in church, sits in his / her own pew!

Without further ado, I start what I envision as an on-going blog-series of diet tips along with real life story-references to accompany my already on-going thought provoking, anger inducing Hotel workout blog-series which can be viewed in my blog archives.

A plug from a very well-known blog critic……

"They’ll leave you crying, laughing, screaming, angry, happy, stimulated then ecstatic: A real emotional roller-coaster," writes New York Times editor and chief, I. P. Frequently.

Situational occurrence: A real life event and epiphony, experienced while OTR recently….

 I watched the congealed mass of fat, salt-based spice and dinner salad meld into a slime-marsh right in front of my eyes: all the while becoming increasingly convinced that the artery clogging, spare tire inflating, and definition inhibiting, supposedly healthy alternative chicken platter I had ordered at TGIF’s, was probably not going to allow me progress towards my 8% BF goal. I vowed then an there that there had to be a better way as I, with surgeon-like precision, picked out the few un-fat-tainted slivers of lettuce and tomato that were potentially decent for consumption. Yes, a way that would not only allow me to maintain this hard-worked-for definition, muscu / vascu…. larity, but might even allow me the opportunity to get closer to my ultimate BF goal (Sweet Mother of paper-thin skin, do you know what I mean?). So, I set out to do the impossible: Find the answer to a society that is increasingly bent on ensuring that individuals who are forced to travel for a living will be fat, out-o-shape slob-like beings that send most women and children (some men) running in fear of being eaten or slobbered on. A system that dictates exorbitant levels of sodium, fat, cholestorol, and simple sugar in the foods we, because of the traveling situation, are forced to consume!

BREAK: A typical night at a typical restaraunt. (Pretty darn typical, huh?)

 "Let’s see might I have the Chicken Breast dinner (not to be confused with Chicken-Tuna) without the gravy or sauce: and the salad without the dressing?"

As I surmised the confused and scared look on the waitress, I realized that it would have been safer and easier to have stated the following instead:

"Hi, my name is The Rain-Man, and I recently opened up my skull and took my brain out, as well as any ounce of common sense I might or might not have had to begin with. I slur my speech, am generally un-articulate, bathe in my swimming suit and flip-flops, should probably never be left unsupervised and feel the need to wear a safety helmet and cup most of the time. Please forgive my lack of mental ability, but might I have a small cup of green tea that has been heated to four-hundred and one-half degrees, so that I may lap at it like a big wooly British Mastiff, swirl it around in my mouth like mouth-wash, swallow loudly, then complete the process with an obnoxious belch and most odiferous flatulant?"

Meanwhile, back at the ranch……

My answer to shear frustration came in the realization that yes, there are convenient and healthy dining alternatives while traveling. All I needed to do, was to just commit. So, I did!

To make the most of the opportunity, all I need is a refrigerator and microwave (Both items typically found in most hotel rooms nowadays….sweet). Now, don’t be fooled into thinking that this type of cooking and dining will ever be mistaken for authentic french cuisine: however, it is an answer for a healthy dining experience that really taste’s just on the other side of not bad. I have been following this type of diet on the last three road trips and am really enjoying the health benefits, as well as the low costs ivolved….who knew, right?

The following is a portion of my latest diet and dining experience I single-handedly pulled off while in Las Vegas this week:

A SAMPLING OF THE AUTHENTIC, "BODY AUDITOR OTR DIET"

Items for purchase at the local Supermarket:

20 oz. Turkey breast tenderloin - $ 4.99

12 oz. Fresh Broccoli and Carrots - $1.99

12 oz. chopped Almonds and Filberts - $3.99 (multiple applications)

2.5 oz. bottle of Mrs. Dash, Southwest Chipoltle (no sodium) seasoning (multiple applications)

Preperation:

Cook turkey breast, pasted with seasoning, in microwave for 6 minutes, stopping every 1.5 minutes for rotation.

Cook vegetables mixed with, seasoning, Almonds and Filberts in microwave for 2 minutes (this amount of cooking time will produce a crisp texture: cook longer and with added water is a softer texture is preferred.

Production results:

Three meals, each containing:

50 grams of protein

8 grams of carbohydrate

10 grams of mono / poly unsaturated fat (healthy)

20 mgs of Sodium

An extreme amount of Vitamin A and C

Diet benefit rating: AWESOME

Stay tuned for more AUTHENTIC BODY AUDITOR OTR diet blogs and be sure to check out the previous AUTHENTIC BODYAUDITOR OTR hotel workouts….

Next week, Portable grill creations and the hotel smoke detector!

This entry was posted on Wednesday, June 13th, 2007 at 7:02 pm and is filed under Training, Nutrition, Other. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.