blsmith's BodyBlog

November ramblings

blsmith — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 21:00:25 +0000

just did 20 minutes of straight walking today (no intervals).

Spent that time doing some thinking. I am definitely giving it my all in the gym. There is no doubt that I leave alot of sweat in there. Eating wise, I am very close to spot on, with the odd weak moment sneaking in (Yes, entirely my own fault). Through all this, I still have my old insecurities. Generally speaking the time between November and February is a very rough time for me psychologically. Not only because of the colder weather, but just with things that have happened in my past. That is part of the reason why I booked my vacation in mid-November to help me forget about the past and relax and have some much needed fun.

Part of the bad stuff from the past is me not being my own person and letting other people control my emotions. I am just learning to stop people from doing that to me. My work in the gym, my diet, this is for me, no one else. Yet, I still feel pangs of guilt that, in my wife’s eyes (I am not blaming her for anything, just thoughts going through my head), I am not enjoying myself if I don’t have a drink, or worse yet, she looks like a lush if we go out somewhere and she is the only one drinking. Take the wedding, I had jack and diet coke because 1.) it was a compromise as the calorie content was lower, and 2.) I could just have a diet coke and no one would know if alcohol was in it or not. People keep telling me that marriage is about compromise and at the time I felt that was the best compromise I could make. I should have been stronger and I take full responsibility for that. Truth is, I do truly love my wife, and I want her happy as well as me, so this is hard for me, to adjust.

Which brings me to something else, which may have affected some of the women who frequent my journal and bodyspace. As many of you know, I have this want, need, to be liked, loved… and in this want, I may have on occasion have gone a little too far with my words to some of you. I mistook your kindness for something else and I took that to a place that there was no place for it. The last year or so hasn’t been that bad but I was really bad for that early in my time here on bb.com. I never really felt love growing up. I always wanted to be held, to be told that I am a good boy, even got straight As at one time. But no one seemed to care, the attitude was why weren’t they straight As sooner. So when someone messaged me, and told me that I am good person, I took that as someone who loves me, but in the wrong context. So for anyone that was ever affected by my foolishness in the past, please accept my sincere apologies. I did not mean to hurt you, or make you feel uncomfortable in any way. It was me trying to accept love in the wrong way. I am making strides to improve myself in every way and this is just another way I have to improve.

Thank you to anyone that read through all that. I cherish all of you as my friends and collegues. I am still with it and in it to win it. Just have to sweep the crap out every now and then before it piles up too high!

thank yous and body fat

blsmith — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 21:11:35 +0000

Thank you everyone for taking the time to message me. I know it was just a little bit of a let down after the big accomplishment. It didn’t help that I had a wedding right after as well that caused alot of stress.

I got my BF% done last night. On October 6th I was at 30.6%. Now I am at 29.2%. I don’t remember ever having a reading that low in my life. My weight had stayed the same in that time frame, so I gained muscle as quickly as I lost the fat. Also consider when I first started a couple of years ago, my BF was constantly hovering in the 45% range. It’s amazing how far I have come.

BUT… it’s not over. More great things are to come. Just watch me!

From extreme high to another low

blsmith — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 21:11:40 +0000

I think it is mainly because I was on such a great high, but today I feel really crappy emotionally. I was at a wedding over the weekend and I did go off the diet a little bit but I behaved for the most part. But just certain things that happened along the way, really pissed me off, in particular with my wife. I don’t want to go into any great detail about it, but it just bugs the hell out of me that when I should be feeling the best I have ever felt, I am feeling so damn low. Hopefully I will be able to kick that out of my system soon. I need a good workout. I have my BIA test tonight so not much time for the gym, will perhaps get some jogging in afterwards.

I DID IT! (the long version LOL)

blsmith — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 14:04:46 +0000

Thank you everyone. Now in more detail. Arrived at the Metro Toronto Convention Centre at 5:45, got registered and stood in line to get going. They weren’t letting anyone start until 6:30 in groups of 100. I was in the 7th group to go. When I finally was let go you have to go up a set of escalators and then a fairly long walk to get to the CN Tower, partly outside in the cold, and I am in t-shirt and shorts. When I got to the tower, security wouldn’t let you in without a baton sweep. You weren’t allowed to bring ANYTHING into the tower, no water, no ipods… nothing. Finally I get inside and go through a long corridor until we get to another security check point (another line, sighs) I just want to start this!!!! Finally at 7:04 I get clocked in and I begin. They have EMTs every 20 floors or so on the landings just in case. I would go up every 8 flights and then take a short 20 second rest. When I hit the 88th flight my knee started to hurt. By the 100th flight the stairs and handrails were getting slippery from everyones sweat EWWWWWWWW! Finally I am at the 144th flight and I am at the finish line clocking in at 7:46, a total of 42 minutes and 24 seconds. I have this huge grin until… we have to go up ANOTHER 10 flights to get to the observation deck!!! I finally get up there and it is so crowded up there, takes me 15 minutes to get to the water they provided, and then at least another half hour in line to get the elevator down!!! By the time I get downstairs to my waiting wife (no one other than climbers were allowed to the top and after seeing the crowd there I could see why) it was 8:40pm. I just picked up my t-shirt got some powerade zero they had back in the convention centre and went home for some much needed food! It was a great experience and an even better feeling of accomplishment. But I think I will wait a couple of years to try it again. I want to thank everyone again for their support. To borrow the line from the United Way campaign… WITHOUT YOU THERE WOULD BE NO WAY!

I DID IT!!!

blsmith — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 04:30:43 +0000

Just a brief message for now. I did it! I completed all 144 flights of the CN Tower in 42:24.

I am too tired, I will give more description tomorrow. Right now, hot bath, then bed.

Good night everyone.

United Way CN Tower climb

blsmith — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 17:33:39 +0000

Finally, after years of talking about. I am signed up to do the United Way CN Tower climb 2 weeks from today. 1,776 steps up. I have been training for the last couple of months, doing as many stairs as I can to get my legs used to it. Although its hard to train for THAT many steps

Anyone that would like to sponsor me and donate to the United Way, or just to find out what they do. Please click on the link. It is a worthwhile cause. I did have to use them in the past when I was pretty much on the street, without them, I could not have gotten the leg up to be where I am today, so please if you can, donate.

http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showpost.php?p=394766501&postcount=1813 then click on the link there. It’s the only way the link will work for some strange reason.

Getting perspective

blsmith — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 21:17:59 +0000

Part of my quest to become mentally and emotionally stronger is learning the ability to not worry what anyone else is doing and just do my thing.

Right now I see all my good friends on here, prepping for contests, making great transformations, and then I look at myself in comparison and I am not making as great of a stride as most of you. In the past, this would really bother me, that I would deem this as me being a failure, but I know this isn’t the case, I know I am working hard, and as much as I do not really see the difference in my body, others are commenting on it, so I must be doing something right.

Of course these thoughts are coming as I just heard less than an hour ago that one of the technicians I have been working closely with the past 2 years, passed away this morning. He was a bigger man, but short, in his mid 40s. It really makes you think that we only have one life in this world and we really have to make the best of what we got.

I don’t care if I ever get to compete, as long as I can live a long, healthy life, to be there for my grandkids, and be a role model for them, then there isn’t much more I can ask for. It might be time to re-evaluate my goals, but I do know, that I will continue working at everything to be the best possible Brian I can be. That is all I can do.

Physically… blah.

blsmith — Fri, 24 Jul 2009 15:25:12 +0000

Feeling physically drained this morning. Usually when I get physically drained, mentally I start going downhill but so far, it hasn’t. I know I am working hard towards my goals, but with life going on, my father’s illness, the tension with my older stepson and his wife, and therefore tension with me and my wife, the garbage strike, the horrible weather, the current leg DOMS… it’s all taking a toll on me. I am taking a rest day from working out today, hoping tomorrow gets better.

Has it been that long?

blsmith — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 20:29:31 +0000

has it really been 2 months since I posted a blog? Wow! Time to catch you all up I guess.

My workouts are going great! I have an aweswome person helping me with my routines and diet. I have vowed that by the end of the summer I will finally be under 300 pounds. I WILL do it!

Home life is okay, same old, same old. Not much ever changes there.

My mental/emotional state has GREATLY improved. I am definitely not getting down on myself as much as I used to. I actually am looking forward to the future, instead of back to the past, and you know what, it feels damn good! I know, a lot of you that have known me for years is saying about f**king time! And all I can say is you are right, it is about f**king time! I am glad I finally realized this and I can go on to bigger and better things.

No looking back now! Time to kick ass, and take no sh*t from no one.

The fight is on

blsmith — Fri, 08 May 2009 15:20:55 +0000

On Tuesday, I went to see the doctor for my results of the bloodwork I had done as part of my annual physical. For the most part everything was fine, but the result of one test came back that I do have a risk of heart disease in the near future, even though my cholsterol levels are good, she said I have to maintain this level or better.

I’ve been thinking alot since I came back from the doctor. How here May 2009 that I am worried about a chance of heart disease, whereas in November 2007, I was ready to end it all with one leap.

In that 18 months, I have done alot of work on myself both physically and mentally, I have met some extraordinary people here, and more importantly, I am starting to like me. I’m not at the point where I love myself yet, but I know that will come with alot more work. It’s like they say, you don’t get anything for nothing, you have to work for everything you get. As much as I thought I was working, I wasn’t. Although even still from where I was until that point in November 2007, I achieved so much but I was too blind with pain and sadness to realize this.

Some of my history, From 1994-late 1996. I was pretty much on the street. I was on welfare, I was in a cockroach infested apartment shared with 3 other disgusting men, one with severe schizophrenia. I sometimes couldn’t sleep at night because he would be yelling at himself all night long. Every Monday I would go to a local soup kitchen for dinner. It was there that my glimmer of hope to get out of this came. A TV crew came in and they were looking for people to onterview about their time in poverty. Hardly anyone wanted to volunteer because they have been in trouble with the law in the past. I had no problem sharing my story so I volunteered.

For the next month, I was interviewed, followed, trying to give people a glimpse of what it was like to be where I was. In appreciation the producer helped me get my papers together to get into college, and I believe through their help, I was accepted for the January 1997 semester. There, I also got a part time job at the athletic department. I became the voice of the basketball team, the PA announcer for all the games being held at the school. Then in February 1998 is when I met my future wife. In June of that year I moved in with her and got my first full time job and I haven’t looked back since.

So I should be thankful that my life has turned out the way it did and not dwell on all the negativity I percieve to have around me. I have a lot more learning to do, and a lot more fighting both physical and mental, but I know in the long run, my life will only get better and better. The fight IS ON!