last Friday 308.8 —— today 312.9 —— gained 4.1 lbs. WTF????

I don’t know what is going on… and then my pics… the first pic is the one I am most proud of, taken in July

[img]http://bodyspace.bodybuilding.com/img/user_images/growable/2008/07/17/533892/progresspic/1574662.jpg[/img]

now here is the one I took today… it actually looks like I LOST muscle here…

[img]http://bodyspace.bodybuilding.com/img/user_images/growable/2008/10/10/533892/progresspic/2027252.jpg[/img]

I am pulling out my hair here. I thought I was doing so well, and well, the proof is here… not so much…

WIDE LAT PULLDOWN

1 set of 15 @ 100 lbs
2 sets of 12 @ 120 lbs

BENTOVER DB ROWS

3 sets of 10 @ 50 lbs each side

CABLE ROWS

1 set of 15 @ 110 lbs
2 sets of 12 @ 130 lbs

HAMMER STRENGTH ISO LOW ROW

3 sets of 10 @ 50 lbs each side independently

WEIGHT ASSISTED DIPS

1 set of 12 @ -170 lbs
2 sets of 8, 1 set of 6 *all failure* @ -150 lbs

CARDIO

I took all of your advice and went for some HIIT this morning

I only last 15 minutes at it (45s/15s split) OMG, I was done!!!

Will definitely be working on making that better in the upcoming weeks

Today was due to be abs but I figure, I can do them at home, I don’t have many days left that I can use the iron before vacation, so I did shoulders today.

I started with the broomstick shoulder stretch exercise to try and increase the ROM on my shoulders - 3 sets of 12

DB SHOULDER PRESSES

1 set of 15 @ 15 lbs
3 sets of 12 @ 20 lbs

DB LATERAL RAISES

3 sets of 12 @ 15 lbs

BB MILITARY PRESSES

3 sets of 10 @ 70 lbs

REAR DELT MACHINE

1 set of 12 @ 90 lbs
2 sets of 12 @ 100 lbs

CARDIO

Running out of time today so I did 20 minutes on the bike, but I bumped up the intensity to 19

20 minutes, 458 calories burned 8.25 km. traveled

add the 20 minutes walk into work again = 40 minutes total cardio.

I’m thinking back for tomorrow, then abs on Friday (with some exercises on the Wii Fit), Saturday morning I will do arms at home with my DBs before going to see the grandkids, as it is my granddaughter’s 9th birthday on Saturday. She wants me to go to the park with her and exercise so I will get lots of cardio in there. Also spending the night so Sunday will be another cardio filled day, then Monday I am off to Atlantic City.

I was trying to get a press, fly, press, fly pattern…

INCLINE DB PRESS

using 50 lb DBs sets of 12, 12, 10

CABLE CROSSOVERS

1 set of 12 using 50 lbs each side
2 sets of 12 using 60 lbs each side

BENCH PRESS

using 135 pounds sets of 10, 10, 8

PEC FLIES

1 set of 15 @ 100 lbs
1 set of 12 @ 115 lbs
1 set of 12 @ 130 lbs

CARDIO

Put the setting on 18 and really cranked it out…

30 minutes, 694 calories burned, 11.96 km. travelled

That is the most I have ever worked on the bike I was absolutely soaked in sweat, I had to literaly peel the shirt off. Man what a feeling

This was a great week for me in the bb area this week.  I took my weight again today because I wanted to see what concentrating on cardio would do for my weight, and all I have to say is WOW

Previous best weight BEFORE this week: 311.8 lbs
Weight on Tuesday Spetember 30th : 310.9 lbs
Weight today (3 days later): 308.6 lbs.!!!!!!!!

Holy crap!  Didn’t expect that big of a loss, hopefully it wasn’t all water weight, but promising nevertheless.  Going to do that again this week and see if theres any changes. Going to need it since I expect the weight to go up a bit the next week while I am on vacation!  As much as I plan on exercising while away, the $10 a day fee to use the gym sort of has me cold LOL. Whatever it takes tight? LOL

Anyways, here is the workout in its entirety

CRUNCHES 3 sets of 20

LEG RAISES into REVERSE CRUNCHES 3 sets of 12

TRUNK TWISTS w/ MEDICINE BALL 3 sets of 20

BACK EXTENSIONS holding 10 lb plate 3 sets of 12

OBLIQUE CRUNCHES 3 sets of 12 each side

ROMAN CHAIR LEG LIFTS 3 sets of 10

CARDIO
30 mins on bike 10.01 km. 587 calories burned plus
20 minutes walk into work

50 minutes of cardio total

I hope everyone has a wonderful day!

Thank you to everyone who offered solace and advice. I am not completely over it, but I am past the not caring and quitting part of it. I am hitting the gym again hard and not looking back.  No sense in completely self-destructing myself before I can stop the destruction completely.

Hope everyone had a good weekend.

Yesterday, I wrote a blog titled “I’m sorry”. In it I was commenting on the different types of people that are out here, and how some are only here for self-promotion, some are here to put others down, some who need help, and then there are those great great people that has a kind word for everyone and really supports and encourages. The intention of that blog was to sort of tell those who are not here to support or to genuinely seek help that we don’t need you around. But because I wrote it as if I was apologizing people thought that I was genuinely apologizing. It was meant as tongue-in-cheek.

Anyways, the real reason I wanted to write a journal today, is that something was said to me, by someone very close to me and it sort of got to me. Sort of made me feel like I had to be treated with kid gloves. Am I really sensitive that people has to watch what they say around me. And the answer unfortunately is yes. I am such an emotional and mental wreck that the smallest negative comment sends me into a downward spiral again. This is really hindering my progress. I need to really work on my mental strength before I can even think about working on my physical strength because without the mental strength, the chances of me self-destructing are so much greater. So far, I have not cheated on my diet or anything to sabotage what i have accomplished thus far, but I am so down and depressed that I don’t feel like anyone cares anymore. I know the only one that should care is me, but in this mindset, I don’t feel like caring anymore either, and that scares me. I don’t want to go into how I got to this point in my life as many of you have already heard that ad nauseum, the important thing is that I need to get out of it. I am going to therapy, and taking medication, and I don’t feel as bad as I used to. I mean, since being on the medication, I have had no thoughts of suicide, (I did many many times before). But I still feel on certain days that I don’t belong anywhere, that no one wants me around, and to me that is just as bad.

If anyone can offer any suggestions, I am very willing to listen. All I want is my life back.