blsmith’s BodyBlog

Spent that time doing some thinking. I am definitely giving it my all in the gym. There is no doubt that I leave alot of sweat in there. Eating wise, I am very close to spot on, with the odd weak moment sneaking in (Yes, entirely my own fault). Through all this, I still have my old insecurities. Generally speaking the time between November and February is a very rough time for me psychologically. Not only because of the colder weather, but just with things that have happened in my past. That is part of the reason why I booked my vacation in mid-November to help me forget about the past and relax and have some much needed fun.

Part of the bad stuff from the past is me not being my own person and letting other people control my emotions. I am just learning to stop people from doing that to me. My work in the gym, my diet, this is for me, no one else. Yet, I still feel pangs of guilt that, in my wife’s eyes (I am not blaming her for anything, just thoughts going through my head), I am not enjoying myself if I don’t have a drink, or worse yet, she looks like a lush if we go out somewhere and she is the only one drinking. Take the wedding, I had jack and diet coke because 1.) it was a compromise as the calorie content was lower, and 2.) I could just have a diet coke and no one would know if alcohol was in it or not. People keep telling me that marriage is about compromise and at the time I felt that was the best compromise I could make. I should have been stronger and I take full responsibility for that. Truth is, I do truly love my wife, and I want her happy as well as me, so this is hard for me, to adjust.

Which brings me to something else, which may have affected some of the women who frequent my journal and bodyspace. As many of you know, I have this want, need, to be liked, loved… and in this want, I may have on occasion have gone a little too far with my words to some of you. I mistook your kindness for something else and I took that to a place that there was no place for it. The last year or so hasn’t been that bad but I was really bad for that early in my time here on bb.com. I never really felt love growing up. I always wanted to be held, to be told that I am a good boy, even got straight As at one time. But no one seemed to care, the attitude was why weren’t they straight As sooner. So when someone messaged me, and told me that I am good person, I took that as someone who loves me, but in the wrong context. So for anyone that was ever affected by my foolishness in the past, please accept my sincere apologies. I did not mean to hurt you, or make you feel uncomfortable in any way. It was me trying to accept love in the wrong way. I am making strides to improve myself in every way and this is just another way I have to improve.

Thank you to anyone that read through all that. I cherish all of you as my friends and collegues. I am still with it and in it to win it. Just have to sweep the crap out every now and then before it piles up too high!