blsmith’s BodyBlog

This is going to be the hardest blog I have ever written. I am already tearing up with the thought of it. Although it will be hard to talk about, I feel I need to, in order to exorcise that one final glimpse of my past so I can continue to move on as I have the past few weeks.

One year ago this week (I don’t remember the exact day), I was at my lowest point in my life. Many thing happening that were going against me (don’t want to go into detail), but anyways, the result was after work, I went into the subway system, stood where the train comes into the station at the very edge of the platform, ready to jump. At the last possible second I backed away, got on the train and went home, but that was the defining moment in my life at that time.  It was then that I realized something was drastically wrong with me and I went to the doctor to finally talk to her about my depression.

Now throughout the year, I did feel some depression, but nothing ever was as bad as that one day, Whether it be the drugs I was put on, or things were improving in my life, including getting a gym membership, I don’t know. But slowly, it got better as the months gone by.

So now I am looking back. What if I didn’t come to that breaking point, what if, I left it to stew for another month, would I have been more desperate and hurt myself or worse others. Luckily, we won’t know that answer.  But what I do know, is that a BIG reason I am still here today, is bb.com and my friends on Bodyspace.  Growing up, I didn’t have alot of friends, but getting to know some of you, you are truly great people, and I salute you.  You have all helped shape me to be who I am today. 

I may feel a litle meloncholy today but know that I am still pushing myself to my limits and kicking ass in the gym. I just have to get past this my own way, so if I am not as responsive as I normally am, you know why.

For months, I have been going to the gym and I had some modest gains, but I always had this thing nagging me the whole time. That I’ll never be good enough, etc. Recently as most of you know, my self-image really took a turn for the better. I feel more at peace with myself. I think it is because of that, that I was finally able to break through that 200 pound bench press barrier. But at least with that, I was close to the goal already so it could’ve have just been put to a sudden burst of power.

But now, it HAS to be the confidence, if I was able to do this…

Yes, a 1,000 pound leg press. My previous best before was only 900 pounds. A 100 pound change just doesn’t make sense unless something was holding me back subconsciously, and now I am free to grow and grow.

Look out world! I’m coming!