blsmith’s BodyBlog

BACK DAY

DEADLIFTS

2 sets of 8 @ 225 pounds
2 sets of 3 @ 275 pounds
1 rep @ 325 pounds **PR +10 lbs**

BB UPRIGHT ROWS

4 sets of 8 @ 135 lbs

REAR DELT FLIES

4 sets of 10 @ 110 lbs

I don’t think I will be trying new PRs on the deads for a couple of weeks anyways. I really fought for that and I barely got it up. Will stay at slightly lower weights for awhile.
With the upright rows, I used to do them with an overhanded grip bent down low (60-90 degrees). I was told this week to use underhanded grip and only about a 20-30 degree bend. I found the ROM less. I don’t know it’s because I awsn’t doing them right or my big gut was in the way…regardless they got done.

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Alright, I guess I owe a little bit of an explanation about my latest tirade…

Last night on my way home, I put my hands on my head and really started to think. What is it that is making me feel this way? First of all I want to use an exerpt of a friend’s blog (MissNfinity) It pretty much somes up my life to a T…

“I was once filled with self-loathing and disgust for myself. Those feeling were the basis of a severe bout of bulimia when I was younger and they were part of my daily struggle with major depression. I?m not exactly sure if I was born depressed or if I was made so by environmental and social issues in my upbringing. The point is that I have worked very hard to remove an emotional straightjacket that kept me heavy, isolated, sad and angry. I am not ashamed to say that I take medication on a daily basis to keep myself from falling back into the abyss but I also take personal responsibility for my mental health. I don?t rely only on the medication to improve my life. Years of being depressed and anxious led me to develop personality problems as well. I was under socialized and socially akward. Many times this has led to people accusing me of being stuck up! I have always been a private person and someone who hid their problems”

All of you who follow my blogs know that I often do not like myself and that is my one true downfall. I have to learn to love myself, and on that train ride home, I was thinking about it hard. And I think I have come up with the answer.

I do not love myself because I am never good enough (in my eyes).

Let me explain with an analogy. Say you are climbing a ladder (or stairway, for all you hippies ) to heaven (stay with me here) you climb and climb and you reach the clouds, and you expect to see heaven soon, then you get above the clouds and you see… more clouds… so you keep climbing getting above those clouds and you see… more clouds still… and it continues on and on never reaching heaven only clouds

Well I go to the gym and I am lifting heavy weights, but I want more, and I keep lifting and lifting, but its not enough, I need to be stronger, so I lift and I lift, and its not enough, I need to get stronger still. There isnt a limit I want to reach. And there lies the problem no matter how much I climb that ladder, no matter how much I lift, in my mind, I will never reach my goal. Is this obsessive (perhaps), but that is where my mind is, and when I think that my goal is not accomplishable, that is when I get down. There are things that trigger it. Like yesterday, I foolishly drifted into the powerlifting area of bb.com and I am seeing videos of teenagers lifting double what I can. Not men my age who have been doing this for 10-20 years but kids who couldn’t have been doing this for that long. And then some 17 year old asks for a friend request on bodyspace, and this what he says… “Hi, my name is josh lively and i’m starting an organization called keep the fat. I know theres alot of pressure to be be ripped nowadays…but i am asking you to go against public perception and cherish your tub, i mean why be in shape when you could eat cake.? think about it…theres a depression coming, and with the bad economy comes hard times…your gonna need all the lard you can get!!”
This from some punk ass who is in good shape…apparantly he sent that to many people to just ‘get a reaction’. Not what I needed at this point.

I know many of you are going to say regarding the goals to make smaller goals and be happy in achieving those… I do and I am happy for every record I break of mine but again maybe its the obsession aspect of it because I never feel its enough I want more and I get upset with myself when I can’t do anymore.

Well, that was long winded, will wait and see what y’all think before I type anymore. Have a great day everyone.