blsmith’s BodyBlog

Today, I am going to be rambling a bit, sort of like a real journal, so I apologize in advance for it’s length and subject matter…

Yesterday, I wrote a blog titled “I’m sorry”. In it I was commenting on the different types of people that are out here, and how some are only here for self-promotion, some are here to put others down, some who need help, and then there are those great great people that has a kind word for everyone and really supports and encourages. The intention of that blog was to sort of tell those who are not here to support or to genuinely seek help that we don’t need you around. But because I wrote it as if I was apologizing people thought that I was genuinely apologizing. It was meant as tongue-in-cheek.

Anyways, the real reason I wanted to write a journal today, is that something was said to me, by someone very close to me and it sort of got to me. Sort of made me feel like I had to be treated with kid gloves. Am I really sensitive that people has to watch what they say around me. And the answer unfortunately is yes. I am such an emotional and mental wreck that the smallest negative comment sends me into a downward spiral again. This is really hindering my progress. I need to really work on my mental strength before I can even think about working on my physical strength because without the mental strength, the chances of me self-destructing are so much greater. So far, I have not cheated on my diet or anything to sabotage what i have accomplished thus far, but I am so down and depressed that I don’t feel like anyone cares anymore. I know the only one that should care is me, but in this mindset, I don’t feel like caring anymore either, and that scares me. I don’t want to go into how I got to this point in my life as many of you have already heard that ad nauseum, the important thing is that I need to get out of it. I am going to therapy, and taking medication, and I don’t feel as bad as I used to. I mean, since being on the medication, I have had no thoughts of suicide, (I did many many times before). But I still feel on certain days that I don’t belong anywhere, that no one wants me around, and to me that is just as bad.

If anyone can offer any suggestions, I am very willing to listen. All I want is my life back.