benjamminb6’s BodyBlog

Oh I feel sad this week.  I have been under a lot of stress, and having difficulty with a few of my personal relationships, and some people who I thought were my friends have suddenly flipped and are now being rude and unkind.  Why am I the bad guy just because I want my friends to be happy always???  I have always felt like life can be as easy and uncomplicated as you want to make it, but other people don’t seem to see it that way and are insistent upon having drama and difficulty surround them, and I just don’t understand it.

I have been working my ass off in the gym, day and night.  I have been really diligent with my morning cardio, and this past week I have been working harder than I have in a really long time at night when I lift, and it’s entirely because I started writing everything down as I go again.  I know what I did last time I worked out my chest or back or whatever, and I am striving with each set to squeeze out one more rep, or add more weight, or both.  I am pushing myself every moment in the gym, and I am feeling exhausted, and satisfied when I am done.  However, out of the gym, I have been eating HORRIBLY this week!!!  Chevy’s, Jack in the Box, Taco Bell, Coldstone, In N Out, pancakes, Chili’s, more Coldstone, soda, and last night I made the most delicious desert at home that had dark chocolate, milk chocolate, banana’s, peanut butter, whipped cream, and marshmallows!!  I got the recipe off of the food network, and it was YUM!  I didn’t really know why I was eating so terribly, but last night at the gym, my friend Jamie and I were talking about it, and she says that I am like a chick lol, and that I am probably eating because I am emotional.  And she might be right!!!  My stress and sadness may be manifesting themselves in my poor eating habits, so as of tomorrow I am going to be making a very conscious effort to not do that anymore and to clean up my diet.  All this extra hard work and effort in my cardio and weight lifting is worthless if my diet is not up to par.

Last night I did my chest, and tonight I am doing my back, which is my favorite!  I still need to buy some wrist straps so that I can do heavier deadlifts, but I suppose it may be best that I am not going too heavy on them yet, since I haven’t been doing them for that long.  Carolyn has to work the graveyard shift tonight, so she will be there when I work out, which will be a little weird I think.  We are supposed to go to the rib cook off today at 4 o clock, but I’m not sure if we will or not.  There has been a lot of tension between us the past few days, and it makes me sad to say so, but I think that our friendship may be coming to an end very soon.  She is not emotionally stable, and I have been here for her every single day, but no matter what I do, it is never enough, and so maybe she needs another friend, or something new in her life to take her mind off of her ex boyfriend and all the sadness and heartache she is dealing with.  I have a feeling that if we stop being friends, she will start being somewhat slutty, that’s not a nice thing to say, but she has told me that she was a whore in the past after a bad breakup, and this breakup with Gabe really has her down.  She worries me a lot because I also know that she has tried to kill herself before, so I am trying not to abandon her when she is down, but I can only do so much, and it isn’t fair to me to try and be her best friend and be everything to her right now if she is only going to cry and be rude and unkind to me anyway.  I deserve a better friend than that, and I know she is sad and dealing with a lot, but don’t take it out on me, find another way to deal.

Jill is also driving me nuts!!!!  Yes YOU Jill!!  One day she is super flirty and funny and nice, and the next day she is telling me that I’m rude and disrespectful!!!  It’s very confusing, and I wouldn’t have ever been anything but polite and friendly if she hadn’t started the flirting 1st!  But once again, I play along and try to be nice and fun, and somehow I’m the bad guy??  Well I’m not the bad guy, I’m not a bad guy at all, so if you don’t want to play the game, don’t start it!!  And I really like Jill, and hope that we can continue to be friends, but I’m not a mindreader, so I need to know what you want from me!  If me flirting back is disrespectful, then don’t provoke me, if you want a friend, I’m here, if you want motivation and to keep each other on track, I’m here, and if you want flirting and fun and silly conversations, I’m here too, but I can only be what you want me to be, and I don’t want you to get mad everytime I play your game, cuz that isn’t fair.

On a more positive note, Mayah is doing well and really enjoying school so far this week!!!  She is a really smart girl, and I’m glad cuz she gets that from me.  Not to say bad things about her mom lol, but Laura isn’t exactly smart.  Also, I made a very special new friend these past 2 weeks!!  Her name is Lindsay, and I have a feeling that she and I are going to be very close for a very long time.  Her attitude is AMAZING!!!!  And she always makes me smile, even when I’m having a bad day.  She has been a real blessing in my life lately, and is keeping me sane and helping me keep my head on straight.  She’s in New York as of last night visiting her brother, so I’m sure she will have tons of funny stories and pictures for me when she gets back next week .  Ok, I need to shower, and do some laundry, and then I will be enjoying delicious ribs, and something chocolate and yummy for desert before I really clean up my diet tomorrow…..finally.

Ugh, this has been a long and exhausting week!!!  My workouts have been great, and it is really helping that I am writing everything down again like I used to.  I feel like this will all be very helpful in the coming weeks.  It was Mayah’s last week of summer, so I tried to spend some time with her, and we had a lot of fun!  We went to the planetarium and saw a movie, she loves the planetarium, which is awesome because it is an educational place and it makes me feel like she is going to be very smart.  I had a lot of fun and good times this past week, but looking back on it, I kinda wish I hadn’t.  I won a bunch of money betting on the horse races, and then spent almost every penny of that money going out and having fun.  I don’t regret spending money on Mayah ever, but I also went out with friends, and Carolyn and I went and saw a new Cirque style show that is only in town for a limited time, and ate expensive dinners, and did other stuff, and all of a sudden the money I won was gone again.  It doesn’t put me in a hole or anything, and I enjoyed the activities, but all the money I spent on food at expensive restaurants, wasn’t worth it.  I spent 100 bucks on one meal alone!!!  I could buy 100 bucks worth of groceries and eat for almost a month if I shop right, so that was a waste.  I wish I had all that money from my 3 day spending binge to buy more supplements or play poker or something other than having just eaten some meals that were not exactly great for my diet.

But I can’t change it now, so I just hafta make better decisions next time I have extra money to splurge with.  I should be splurging on things that are necessities and things that I need like clothes and supplements.  Lesson learned.

I feel like my back is getting wider, which is exciting for me!!!  And I worked my shoulders really hard last night and felt like they looked pretty good.  I’m starting my marathon training again this week, so on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday I will be running.  I think that when I get to the later stages of training, I won’t be able to run and lift on the same days, so I will have those days off from lifting, but for now since the running is pretty easy the 1st 3 or 4 weeks, I will try to do both.  It’s a 16 week training program that Heather and I tried to do but failed twice, partly due to her knee injuries, and partly due to our laziness haha!!  I think it would be easier and more fun with a training partner, someone to push me because I’m pushing them.  But it isn’t easy to find someone who wants to do this, so I am training alone.  I am 16 weeks out from the Las Vegas, and the Honolulu marathons, so one of those is again my goal.  If I am still on track 8 weeks from now, then I will register for one of them which will force me to keep going the final 8 weeks.  If something happens, or I just need more time to train, then I will slow down and find a marathon after the new year, maybe the Los Angeles in March.  I am running one before my birthday though, no ifs ands or buts about it.

Ah, I am super sleepy right now, but I feel great!!!  The past two nights, I finally did what I have been intending to do, and I wrote my workouts out before I went to the gym, and then kept track of all of my weight/sets/reps.  I used to do this regularly when Heather and I worked out together, but haven’t done it a while, and I have been needing to and wanting to do it, so I’m glad that I did.  It’s very helpful to get to the gym and already have a plan of attack and know exactly what you are going to do!!  It also makes me stay and do every last set and every last exercise, rather than just doing a few things and then quitting.  I have a pre-thought out plan, and so there is no excuse for not doing everything on my list.  Because I had it all planned out ahead of time, I actually did a little more than I had been doing lately for my chest two nights ago, which was great because I felt like I finally wasn’t slacking off.  And last night, I did my whole planned out back routine, and I actually felt so good that I wanted to do even more, but I stuck to what I had planned out ahead of time (don’t want to overtrain), and noted that I felt great still and had energy, so next time I may add in another exercise or some more sets.

I have definitely been eating better this week after a few very sloppy weeks diet wise, and my cardio has been extremely consistent, so I feel like I am making great progress.  I am lifting heavy and hard, and I think the hard work is really starting to show!!!  That’s why we do it isn’t it?  To make gains, improve our health and physique, and then feel great about ourselves and the way that we look and feel!!  I need to take pictures, which I probably will this week, of my back and legs so that I can see my progress as I go.  I have been working REALLY hard on my back, and I plan to start working really hard on my legs, so in a few weeks I want to know that I am making strides.

Ah, and I have no idea what is going on in my personal life lol.  I have been hanging out with Carolyn a lot, but she is pretty much 100% insane, and we are not dating or anything, just friends.  I have been asked out a few times by some very cute girls at the gym, and maybe I will go out with one of them, I was actually kind of thinking about hanging out with one this weekend, except I know that Carolyn will feel jealous and it will be a weird thing.  Mayah is doing amazingly well!!!  She is so tall and thin now, I worry that she isn’t eating enough!  I am spending the day with her tomorrow, so I can’t wait!!!  I dunno what we will do yet, but spending time with her is my favorite thing to do .  Ok, time for cardio!!

Ah, last night I had such a great arm workout!!!  I was planning on starting to write everything down again, in terms of sets/reps/weight, so that I can start tracking my progress a little better and try to improve my strength as well as my physique.  It seems that the two should go hand in hand to some degree right?  And if I’m getting stronger, upping the weight and the reps and everything, I imagine that my body will be getting stronger and more ripped looking along the way.  I didn’t end up writing things down last night because I left my phone at home to charge, and I was planning on just writing everything down in my sidekick so I don’t have to carry paper around.  But at some point today I intend to write a workout list for each bodypart in my phone that I can start from, and then when I go from now on I will be writing down all the details and trying to improve upon my previous efforts.
The rest of the week has been pretty good too.  I have been eating better, and actually did a little ab work…..little being the operative word there lol, I need to do much more and do it more routinely!!  I also have made some new friends and been winning my ass off playing poker!  I made 1200 bucks in one day!  It has been very windy here in Reno, and the weather is kind of weird, 100 degrees during the day and freezing cold at night!  But I am not unhappy, and I am going to spend some time with Mayah this week before she starts school on Monday, that will be good too .

How did I lose four more pounds??!!  I have been eating a TON, and not all of it so healthy lol, so I figured I would be gaining weight, but yesterday the scale said that I have lost 4 more pounds somehow!  I think it is my cardio.  I have been doing an hour every morning when I wake up, and going pretty intense.  I usually burn around 1000 calories in my one hour, which is probably too high of intensity, and I’m probably burning off some muscle at that rate.  I think I am gonna try to slow it down a notch and burn maybe 500-700 calories in my hour and see if that helps me preserve some more muscle but still burn fat.  I have been eating a lot so that I can gain muscle while still trying to tone down my stubborn belly, but if I’m losing weight and my stomach still looks like crap, then I must be losing the weight in my muscles and that is not what I want!!!

Aside from that tho, my workouts have been great!  I have been trying to add in new exercises for every bodypart and push myself as hard as possible!  I feel great, so I think I just need to be patient and keep working hard and everything will come along.

This week was Hot August Nights here in Reno, and I have to admit, it was a LOT of fun!!!  It’s something that I will look forward to now every August, and even if I don’t live in Reno anymore, I will come back for it because it is just an incredible spectacle to see and be a part of.  The Best of the West Rib Cook Off is in two weeks, so I’m sure that weekend will fatten me up plenty lol.  Ok, I’m off to the gym!

So, I have finally decided to take a chance and do something that I swore I would never ever do.  I have moved to Reno, as of yesterday, to be closer to my daughter.  This is a very big and scary step for me, but I have spent the past 7 years convincing myself that I don’t belong here and won’t be happy here, and finding reasons not to move here, but I finally caved in after a long talk with Mayah, with my friends and family, and some real prayer and soul searching.

Mayah has been asking me to move here, especially since her mom had a new baby, and things in Orange County just weren’t working out for me at all, so I took that as a sign that I should do something new.  My real friends will always be my friends, but aside from them, I had nothing holding me in Orange County anymore.  No job, I broke up with Megan, so no girlfriend, nobody to go to Disneyland with, etc.  I will miss the beach, and the Angels games, but I can go back down on my days off to visit friends and do those things if I want.  And I can drive over to visit my mom in San Francisco and go to the beach there and go watch the Angels when they play against Oakland.  My friends and I have all migrated in different directions in our lives, so I wasn’t really spending a whole lot of time with any of them anyway, so not that much will change in that regard.

I guess the biggest thing is that I started to think about how Mayah will view me when she is my age.  I don’t know my dad at all, and wouldn’t care if he died tomorrow.  And Heather felt the same way about her dad, Megan felt the same way about her dad…..it seems to be a prevailing trend these days, and I would hate for Mayah to grow up and feel that way about me.  Also, she complained to me that she thinks I’m not around enough and told me that it hurts her feelings, and she accidentally called me Jordan twice (Jordan is her stepdad), which was kind of a bummer, so I just decided that when I am an old man, she will be the most important thing to me, and I want to know that I did the best that I could for her.  And right now, that means being here.  I may end up moving again when the winter comes if I hate it here, but at least for this summer, I am going to spend as much time with her as I can while she is out of school, and work hard to pay down my debts and save some money.  Roger and I have been talking a lot about starting a business together sometime soon, so I need to work and get focused on everything.  It’s definitely scary to be here and not know anyone, but I was basically alone in Orange County too, and not having other distractions should really help me to focus in on getting my body into perfect shape.  As soon as I get new running shoes, I will begin my marathon training too, which will be a challenge at these high elevations, but the lack of humidity and the cooler weather will be helpful and I think that for now I will enjoy the change of scenery and it will feel a little bit like an extended vacation, sort of how Vegas felt.

All of this should be exciting, a little scary, and very interesting, but overall will do me good, and will be great for Mayah.  As for my workouts, I have been hitting the gym pretty hard these past two weeks, but have not done a ton of cardio, and since I have been traveling a lot between San Fran, Orange County, and here, I have been eating very poorly, but I plan on going grocery shopping today and getting some good clean food, and going back to my old healthy diet.  I will be upping my cardio again, probably doing 45 minutes to an hour in the morning, and another 30 minutes after I work out at night.  I already did an hour this morning, and it felt really good!!!  I cant wait to lift tonight!

My little studio apartment is small and kinda ghetto lol, but the complex is quiet, the rent is insanely cheap, and I have great air conditioning haha.  I will be alone and it should be peaceful.  Other than that, I am just gonna be working hard on all aspects of my life, from Mayah, to work, to my body, my marathon, playing better poker, making new friends, and maybe I will even meet a nice cute girl up here, though I’m not keeping my fingers crossed there lol, I don’t think Reno girls are really my type! 

Sooo it has been a difficult and thought provoking week, and many changes are ahead for me.  Since I have been back down in Orange County, I have been working out really hard and heavy, and feel great about the quality of my weight lifting sessions, but my diet still is very poor since I have been traveling a lot, and I am not staying in my own place, and my cardio has been very minimal, 20 minutes a day or less usually.  So I need to rev up the cardio a little bit, and improve the diet again a LOT a bit lol, but overall, it has just felt really nice to get back in the gym after missing so many days last week.

As for my personal life……everything is topsy turvy.  I went from seeing Megan every day and having an amazing relationship and friendship with her, to not even speaking to her, and it all happened in the blink of an eye.  The weird thing is that it all ended really without any good reason.  She just sort of felt like we weren’t perfect for each other for a few reasons, and even though we got along fabulously, never fought, and always had amazingly great days and super hot sex, she wanted to keep looking.  I respect that, although I was disappointed in how it all turned out, but it was odd to me that we couldn’t even stay friends.  That was the strangest relationship I have ever been a part of, and I think I will take a lot from it into future situations.  But more importantly than Megan or anything else, I went and spent some really good time with Mayah and got to talk to her a lot.  She is only 7, but she is a smart girl, and I am very lucky to be her dad.  She really wants me to come to Reno and be closer to her, and I think the new baby has a lot to do with it, but the more I have thought about it, the more it seems like the right thing to do.  I do not have a relationship with my dad because he wasn’t there when I was a kid, and if he died tomorrow I wouldn’t care or even go to his funeral, and I don’t want Mayah to grow up and feel that way towards me.  I need to develop a strong bond with her now and be around her more, so I am going to swallow my pride and just go for it.  It will be a difficult transition, and I don’t really know anyone up there, but spending more time with her will be good for us both, the cost of living up there is very cheap, and a fresh start will be nice.  I wont have so many distractions, and can really focus on getting in amazing shape, and maybe even spend some more time playing live poker since the casinos are there.  I think that I will be lonely and bored at first, but eventually I will really be glad that I made the move.  And if I’m not glad, and I just decide that I hate it, I can always come back, so it’s not like I don’t have options.  I will also be closer to my mom up there, and can still drive over to Oakland to watch Angel’s games when they are in town.  It is definitely a really scary thing to think about, going to a new place all alone, but I enjoy a challenge, and look forward to trying something new for a while and not being so stressed out about money.  So the plan is to go up this week and look for a job and a place to live.  I can probably stay at my mom’s in the meantime and just make the drive back and forth when I have interviews or whatever.  So good luck me!!

So this has been a difficult and sloppy week to say the least.  I was working out extremely hard and diligently every single day until I left Orange County to come up to see my mom and Mayah.  I worked out on Monday the 9th before I drove up, but since I got here I have only gotten 1 workout in all week!!!  I worked out on Wednesday, but haven’t been able to work out since, and it is very frustrating.  The gym is not close by, and the time that I did make the drive out to the gym, I spent 35 minutes trying to find parking before giving up and coming home.  Oakland sucks ass, especially the parking, so I will be glad to be back in Orange County tomorrow night, and I can’t wait to get to the gym and work my ass off to make up for the lost time.  The days off are probably good for my body, I need the rest, but I have also been eating horribly since I have been up here!!  The time that I spent with Mayah was a lot of fun, but we ate TONS of junk food and I feel like a fatty!  So I am really looking forward to getting back on track this week and pushing myself really hard in the gym, as well as eating cleaner and feeling better about myself lol.

I need to start planning for my marathon training!!!!  I had intended to start my training by now, but was unsure as to where I will run, where I will be living, and if I would have a training partner or not.  But I can’t focus on everything else, I need to just focus on me and taking care of business and getting things done.

I’m not sure what I am doing about a place to live still, but I feel confident in my ability to survive and figure things out.  It has been nice being up north for a few days and seeing my mom and Mayah, but being here really makes me sure that I want to be in Orange County, and that I am not interested in staying here for the whole summer, even though it would be easy and would save me money.  I just don’t like being here and I think I would go crazy if I stayed here any longer than necessary. 

I’m driving back to the OC tomorrow evening, and the 1st thing I will be doing when I get there is hitting the gym and blasting my arms!!!  Tuesday I have a job interview, and I have another interview on Friday, so I am hoping to set something up on Wednesday or Thursday somewhere else as well.  Other than that, I will just be working out like a madman and seeing my friends some.  Finding a job has taken a lot longer, and been much more difficult than I had planned!!!  But I am making positive steps, and I think that in a few weeks, I will be glad that I went through all of this and pulled myself out of my funk.

Mayah was really cute!!!  She is such a good girl, and I am really proud of her!  Laura is a weirdo, and we don’t get along anymore, but she has done an excellent job with Mayah, and she is a good mom.  Mayah is so well behaved and well adjusted.  So many kids these days are out of control and rude, but Mayah is not at all like that, and I owe Laura a huge debt of gratitude for keeping her in line despite her surroundings.  Anyway, these next 2 to 3 weeks will be crucial times for me and my direction for the rest of the year, so good luck to me, and hopefully I can start working asap!  GO LAKERS!!!!

So my workouts the past few days have been OUTSTANDING!!!!  I have been mixing it up a lot and doing exercises that I don’t normally do.  I did my arms yesterday and my chest today, and both look pumped and fuller than ever!  I feel great about my workouts, and am in some of the best shape of my life, though my abs still need some work as does my back and my legs.  I have been working my abs regularly, and they feel harder than ever and are showing nicely, but to really carve them out, I need to do a little more cardio and stop with the "occasional" cheating in my diet lol.  I think if I had been eating 100% clean and doing an hour of cardio every day instead of just 30 minutes for the past 2 weeks, my abs would be INSANE!  Anyway, I am still happy with my progress and glad that I have stuck with it despite everything else going on in my life.

Jenn and I have sort of patched things up, so I’m glad.  At least I know that she doesn’t hate me .  As far as where I will be living in 2 weeks, it is still very much up in the air.  I have an open invitation to spend the summer in San Francisco living rent free with my mom and spending some more time with my daughter, Mayah.  This sounds like an awesome opportunity, and I would be given a job when I got there, but Mayah would only be there part of the time, and when she wasn’t around, I would feel lonely and I would miss Orange County, my friends, Angel’s games, etc.  The weather would undoubtedly be cooler up there, which would be great, and I do need to spend more time with Mayah, but I also hate to lean on my mom for help every time I am struggling.  I am a grown up, and I need to stand on my own two feet and solve my own problems.  It’s time for me to help myself, even if that means struggling for a while in order to get things going.  So there are definitely pros and cons to going up there, but I think that if I can find a decent job and a place to live here in the next two weeks, then I am going to stay and try to get myself upright on my own.

I really need to work so I can take care of myself, but more than that, I need to be taking care of Mayah!!!  And if I had money, I could spend more time with her, so I just need to get myself going.  I also would love to have some cash to go back to Vegas for a few days.  I have free rooms and free food whenever I can go, so I just need money for gambling and gas, and it would be awesome to go relax for a few days and see some of my friends.  It’s sad how important money is these days, but it really does make the world go ’round.  I could use some new supplements too, which of course isn’t cheap!  So I have a few prospects, but I really need to find a job this week and start getting things in order.  By this time next year I hope to have run a marathon, paid off my debts, and be in perfect shape.  All of those things will take time, dedication, and money, but if I’m working hard and taking care of business, I should be able to manage it all.  I would also like to find someone to have a serious relationship with!!!  I’m not sure where I will be relationship wise in a few weeks, but I’m at the point in my life where I want to find someone that I can develop a real relationship with.  In 4 years I plan on being married or at least heading in that direction, and I want more kids, so to get to that point, I need to find someone in the next year or so that is looking for the same things, and will be ready in the next 4 years also, and most importantly, someone who will love Mayah and love me unconditionally.  And lastly, Kellee…….I love you, thanks for being such a great friend . 

Ah, well, what a stressful week!!!!  I have to figure out where I’m going to live…..AGAIN!!!!!  Too much crap going on, and it stresses me out, but at least my workouts have gone well, and I got two really nice compliments this week on my physique.  Someone who hasn’t seen me in a few months gushed over how much better I look and how nice my body is, which was nice…..

So working out has been great, I have been working hard on the weights and have been doing a lot less cardio than I was, but still doing cardio on a daily basis.  I had been doing 2 hours a day before, in two 1 hour sessions, but am now just doing 30 minutes a day, and occasionally an hour or only 20 minutes depending on how I feel and what my schedule is like.  I did my back today, and I feel really good.  Back workouts are something that I think only real fans of bodybuilding and weightlifting can appreciate.  Everyone wants nice arms and a nice chest, and there are soooo many guys in the gym who only do curls and bench presses, but real bodybuilders know that a complete physique is the ultimate goal, and improving your back, legs, and shoulders can only help to further make your arms and chest even more impressive.  I want the total package.  So when I see improvements in the thickness of my back, or the lengthening of my lats, I am thrilled!!!  Most guys flex their biceps in the mirror, I try to turn to the side and spread my lats or see the developing width and thickness to my back.  Back day has definitely become my favorite day.  I need to get some wrist straps so that I can pull more weight and not worry about my grip on deadlifts.

So Jennjamin is mad at me apparently!  Jenn is a very special friend whom I care about very much, and I guess we had a major misunderstanding this week because we went from talking every day to her disappearing and not wanting to speak to me anymore.  She won’t even explain to me what I did wrong, and the situation has made me very sad.  I’m hoping that we will get to chat and sort it all out because I don’t want to lose her as a friend.  We have a unique connection, and are very different in a lot of ways, but she is the sort of friend who I can imagine having in my life forever.  Some people come into your life for a short time for whatever reason, and then fade away, but there are other people who just belong in your life and I think that Jenn is one of those people for me, along with Dave, Roger, Rachel, JR, Art, and a few others.

So this week, I am going to continue trying to figure out where I’m going to be living in 2 weeks, it would be awesome to move in with Dave, but we will see what happens.  I also have to have a job!!!!!!!!  I have a few possibilities, and may get back into the book business, which I would love, but we will see what happens.