August 29th.
Oh I feel sad this week. I have been under a lot of stress, and having difficulty with a few of my personal relationships, and some people who I thought were my friends have suddenly flipped and are now being rude and unkind. Why am I the bad guy just because I want my friends to be happy always??? I have always felt like life can be as easy and uncomplicated as you want to make it, but other people don’t seem to see it that way and are insistent upon having drama and difficulty surround them, and I just don’t understand it.
I have been working my ass off in the gym, day and night. I have been really diligent with my morning cardio, and this past week I have been working harder than I have in a really long time at night when I lift, and it’s entirely because I started writing everything down as I go again. I know what I did last time I worked out my chest or back or whatever, and I am striving with each set to squeeze out one more rep, or add more weight, or both. I am pushing myself every moment in the gym, and I am feeling exhausted, and satisfied when I am done. However, out of the gym, I have been eating HORRIBLY this week!!! Chevy’s, Jack in the Box, Taco Bell, Coldstone, In N Out, pancakes, Chili’s, more Coldstone, soda, and last night I made the most delicious desert at home that had dark chocolate, milk chocolate, banana’s, peanut butter, whipped cream, and marshmallows!! I got the recipe off of the food network, and it was YUM! I didn’t really know why I was eating so terribly, but last night at the gym, my friend Jamie and I were talking about it, and she says that I am like a chick lol, and that I am probably eating because I am emotional. And she might be right!!! My stress and sadness may be manifesting themselves in my poor eating habits, so as of tomorrow I am going to be making a very conscious effort to not do that anymore and to clean up my diet. All this extra hard work and effort in my cardio and weight lifting is worthless if my diet is not up to par.
Last night I did my chest, and tonight I am doing my back, which is my favorite! I still need to buy some wrist straps so that I can do heavier deadlifts, but I suppose it may be best that I am not going too heavy on them yet, since I haven’t been doing them for that long. Carolyn has to work the graveyard shift tonight, so she will be there when I work out, which will be a little weird I think. We are supposed to go to the rib cook off today at 4 o clock, but I’m not sure if we will or not. There has been a lot of tension between us the past few days, and it makes me sad to say so, but I think that our friendship may be coming to an end very soon. She is not emotionally stable, and I have been here for her every single day, but no matter what I do, it is never enough, and so maybe she needs another friend, or something new in her life to take her mind off of her ex boyfriend and all the sadness and heartache she is dealing with. I have a feeling that if we stop being friends, she will start being somewhat slutty, that’s not a nice thing to say, but she has told me that she was a whore in the past after a bad breakup, and this breakup with Gabe really has her down. She worries me a lot because I also know that she has tried to kill herself before, so I am trying not to abandon her when she is down, but I can only do so much, and it isn’t fair to me to try and be her best friend and be everything to her right now if she is only going to cry and be rude and unkind to me anyway. I deserve a better friend than that, and I know she is sad and dealing with a lot, but don’t take it out on me, find another way to deal.
Jill is also driving me nuts!!!! Yes YOU Jill!! One day she is super flirty and funny and nice, and the next day she is telling me that I’m rude and disrespectful!!! It’s very confusing, and I wouldn’t have ever been anything but polite and friendly if she hadn’t started the flirting 1st! But once again, I play along and try to be nice and fun, and somehow I’m the bad guy?? Well I’m not the bad guy, I’m not a bad guy at all, so if you don’t want to play the game, don’t start it!! And I really like Jill, and hope that we can continue to be friends, but I’m not a mindreader, so I need to know what you want from me! If me flirting back is disrespectful, then don’t provoke me, if you want a friend, I’m here, if you want motivation and to keep each other on track, I’m here, and if you want flirting and fun and silly conversations, I’m here too, but I can only be what you want me to be, and I don’t want you to get mad everytime I play your game, cuz that isn’t fair.
On a more positive note, Mayah is doing well and really enjoying school so far this week!!! She is a really smart girl, and I’m glad cuz she gets that from me. Not to say bad things about her mom lol, but Laura isn’t exactly smart. Also, I made a very special new friend these past 2 weeks!! Her name is Lindsay, and I have a feeling that she and I are going to be very close for a very long time. Her attitude is AMAZING!!!! And she always makes me smile, even when I’m having a bad day. She has been a real blessing in my life lately, and is keeping me sane and helping me keep my head on straight. She’s in New York as of last night visiting her brother, so I’m sure she will have tons of funny stories and pictures for me when she gets back next week 
. Ok, I need to shower, and do some laundry, and then I will be enjoying delicious ribs, and something chocolate and yummy for desert before I really clean up my diet tomorrow…..finally.
