benjamminb6’s BodyBlog

Oh I feel sad this week.  I have been under a lot of stress, and having difficulty with a few of my personal relationships, and some people who I thought were my friends have suddenly flipped and are now being rude and unkind.  Why am I the bad guy just because I want my friends to be happy always???  I have always felt like life can be as easy and uncomplicated as you want to make it, but other people don’t seem to see it that way and are insistent upon having drama and difficulty surround them, and I just don’t understand it.

I have been working my ass off in the gym, day and night.  I have been really diligent with my morning cardio, and this past week I have been working harder than I have in a really long time at night when I lift, and it’s entirely because I started writing everything down as I go again.  I know what I did last time I worked out my chest or back or whatever, and I am striving with each set to squeeze out one more rep, or add more weight, or both.  I am pushing myself every moment in the gym, and I am feeling exhausted, and satisfied when I am done.  However, out of the gym, I have been eating HORRIBLY this week!!!  Chevy’s, Jack in the Box, Taco Bell, Coldstone, In N Out, pancakes, Chili’s, more Coldstone, soda, and last night I made the most delicious desert at home that had dark chocolate, milk chocolate, banana’s, peanut butter, whipped cream, and marshmallows!!  I got the recipe off of the food network, and it was YUM!  I didn’t really know why I was eating so terribly, but last night at the gym, my friend Jamie and I were talking about it, and she says that I am like a chick lol, and that I am probably eating because I am emotional.  And she might be right!!!  My stress and sadness may be manifesting themselves in my poor eating habits, so as of tomorrow I am going to be making a very conscious effort to not do that anymore and to clean up my diet.  All this extra hard work and effort in my cardio and weight lifting is worthless if my diet is not up to par.

Last night I did my chest, and tonight I am doing my back, which is my favorite!  I still need to buy some wrist straps so that I can do heavier deadlifts, but I suppose it may be best that I am not going too heavy on them yet, since I haven’t been doing them for that long.  Carolyn has to work the graveyard shift tonight, so she will be there when I work out, which will be a little weird I think.  We are supposed to go to the rib cook off today at 4 o clock, but I’m not sure if we will or not.  There has been a lot of tension between us the past few days, and it makes me sad to say so, but I think that our friendship may be coming to an end very soon.  She is not emotionally stable, and I have been here for her every single day, but no matter what I do, it is never enough, and so maybe she needs another friend, or something new in her life to take her mind off of her ex boyfriend and all the sadness and heartache she is dealing with.  I have a feeling that if we stop being friends, she will start being somewhat slutty, that’s not a nice thing to say, but she has told me that she was a whore in the past after a bad breakup, and this breakup with Gabe really has her down.  She worries me a lot because I also know that she has tried to kill herself before, so I am trying not to abandon her when she is down, but I can only do so much, and it isn’t fair to me to try and be her best friend and be everything to her right now if she is only going to cry and be rude and unkind to me anyway.  I deserve a better friend than that, and I know she is sad and dealing with a lot, but don’t take it out on me, find another way to deal.

Jill is also driving me nuts!!!!  Yes YOU Jill!!  One day she is super flirty and funny and nice, and the next day she is telling me that I’m rude and disrespectful!!!  It’s very confusing, and I wouldn’t have ever been anything but polite and friendly if she hadn’t started the flirting 1st!  But once again, I play along and try to be nice and fun, and somehow I’m the bad guy??  Well I’m not the bad guy, I’m not a bad guy at all, so if you don’t want to play the game, don’t start it!!  And I really like Jill, and hope that we can continue to be friends, but I’m not a mindreader, so I need to know what you want from me!  If me flirting back is disrespectful, then don’t provoke me, if you want a friend, I’m here, if you want motivation and to keep each other on track, I’m here, and if you want flirting and fun and silly conversations, I’m here too, but I can only be what you want me to be, and I don’t want you to get mad everytime I play your game, cuz that isn’t fair.

On a more positive note, Mayah is doing well and really enjoying school so far this week!!!  She is a really smart girl, and I’m glad cuz she gets that from me.  Not to say bad things about her mom lol, but Laura isn’t exactly smart.  Also, I made a very special new friend these past 2 weeks!!  Her name is Lindsay, and I have a feeling that she and I are going to be very close for a very long time.  Her attitude is AMAZING!!!!  And she always makes me smile, even when I’m having a bad day.  She has been a real blessing in my life lately, and is keeping me sane and helping me keep my head on straight.  She’s in New York as of last night visiting her brother, so I’m sure she will have tons of funny stories and pictures for me when she gets back next week .  Ok, I need to shower, and do some laundry, and then I will be enjoying delicious ribs, and something chocolate and yummy for desert before I really clean up my diet tomorrow…..finally.

Ugh, this has been a long and exhausting week!!!  My workouts have been great, and it is really helping that I am writing everything down again like I used to.  I feel like this will all be very helpful in the coming weeks.  It was Mayah’s last week of summer, so I tried to spend some time with her, and we had a lot of fun!  We went to the planetarium and saw a movie, she loves the planetarium, which is awesome because it is an educational place and it makes me feel like she is going to be very smart.  I had a lot of fun and good times this past week, but looking back on it, I kinda wish I hadn’t.  I won a bunch of money betting on the horse races, and then spent almost every penny of that money going out and having fun.  I don’t regret spending money on Mayah ever, but I also went out with friends, and Carolyn and I went and saw a new Cirque style show that is only in town for a limited time, and ate expensive dinners, and did other stuff, and all of a sudden the money I won was gone again.  It doesn’t put me in a hole or anything, and I enjoyed the activities, but all the money I spent on food at expensive restaurants, wasn’t worth it.  I spent 100 bucks on one meal alone!!!  I could buy 100 bucks worth of groceries and eat for almost a month if I shop right, so that was a waste.  I wish I had all that money from my 3 day spending binge to buy more supplements or play poker or something other than having just eaten some meals that were not exactly great for my diet.

But I can’t change it now, so I just hafta make better decisions next time I have extra money to splurge with.  I should be splurging on things that are necessities and things that I need like clothes and supplements.  Lesson learned.

I feel like my back is getting wider, which is exciting for me!!!  And I worked my shoulders really hard last night and felt like they looked pretty good.  I’m starting my marathon training again this week, so on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday I will be running.  I think that when I get to the later stages of training, I won’t be able to run and lift on the same days, so I will have those days off from lifting, but for now since the running is pretty easy the 1st 3 or 4 weeks, I will try to do both.  It’s a 16 week training program that Heather and I tried to do but failed twice, partly due to her knee injuries, and partly due to our laziness haha!!  I think it would be easier and more fun with a training partner, someone to push me because I’m pushing them.  But it isn’t easy to find someone who wants to do this, so I am training alone.  I am 16 weeks out from the Las Vegas, and the Honolulu marathons, so one of those is again my goal.  If I am still on track 8 weeks from now, then I will register for one of them which will force me to keep going the final 8 weeks.  If something happens, or I just need more time to train, then I will slow down and find a marathon after the new year, maybe the Los Angeles in March.  I am running one before my birthday though, no ifs ands or buts about it.

Ah, I am super sleepy right now, but I feel great!!!  The past two nights, I finally did what I have been intending to do, and I wrote my workouts out before I went to the gym, and then kept track of all of my weight/sets/reps.  I used to do this regularly when Heather and I worked out together, but haven’t done it a while, and I have been needing to and wanting to do it, so I’m glad that I did.  It’s very helpful to get to the gym and already have a plan of attack and know exactly what you are going to do!!  It also makes me stay and do every last set and every last exercise, rather than just doing a few things and then quitting.  I have a pre-thought out plan, and so there is no excuse for not doing everything on my list.  Because I had it all planned out ahead of time, I actually did a little more than I had been doing lately for my chest two nights ago, which was great because I felt like I finally wasn’t slacking off.  And last night, I did my whole planned out back routine, and I actually felt so good that I wanted to do even more, but I stuck to what I had planned out ahead of time (don’t want to overtrain), and noted that I felt great still and had energy, so next time I may add in another exercise or some more sets.

I have definitely been eating better this week after a few very sloppy weeks diet wise, and my cardio has been extremely consistent, so I feel like I am making great progress.  I am lifting heavy and hard, and I think the hard work is really starting to show!!!  That’s why we do it isn’t it?  To make gains, improve our health and physique, and then feel great about ourselves and the way that we look and feel!!  I need to take pictures, which I probably will this week, of my back and legs so that I can see my progress as I go.  I have been working REALLY hard on my back, and I plan to start working really hard on my legs, so in a few weeks I want to know that I am making strides.

Ah, and I have no idea what is going on in my personal life lol.  I have been hanging out with Carolyn a lot, but she is pretty much 100% insane, and we are not dating or anything, just friends.  I have been asked out a few times by some very cute girls at the gym, and maybe I will go out with one of them, I was actually kind of thinking about hanging out with one this weekend, except I know that Carolyn will feel jealous and it will be a weird thing.  Mayah is doing amazingly well!!!  She is so tall and thin now, I worry that she isn’t eating enough!  I am spending the day with her tomorrow, so I can’t wait!!!  I dunno what we will do yet, but spending time with her is my favorite thing to do .  Ok, time for cardio!!

Ah, last night I had such a great arm workout!!!  I was planning on starting to write everything down again, in terms of sets/reps/weight, so that I can start tracking my progress a little better and try to improve my strength as well as my physique.  It seems that the two should go hand in hand to some degree right?  And if I’m getting stronger, upping the weight and the reps and everything, I imagine that my body will be getting stronger and more ripped looking along the way.  I didn’t end up writing things down last night because I left my phone at home to charge, and I was planning on just writing everything down in my sidekick so I don’t have to carry paper around.  But at some point today I intend to write a workout list for each bodypart in my phone that I can start from, and then when I go from now on I will be writing down all the details and trying to improve upon my previous efforts.
The rest of the week has been pretty good too.  I have been eating better, and actually did a little ab work…..little being the operative word there lol, I need to do much more and do it more routinely!!  I also have made some new friends and been winning my ass off playing poker!  I made 1200 bucks in one day!  It has been very windy here in Reno, and the weather is kind of weird, 100 degrees during the day and freezing cold at night!  But I am not unhappy, and I am going to spend some time with Mayah this week before she starts school on Monday, that will be good too .

How did I lose four more pounds??!!  I have been eating a TON, and not all of it so healthy lol, so I figured I would be gaining weight, but yesterday the scale said that I have lost 4 more pounds somehow!  I think it is my cardio.  I have been doing an hour every morning when I wake up, and going pretty intense.  I usually burn around 1000 calories in my one hour, which is probably too high of intensity, and I’m probably burning off some muscle at that rate.  I think I am gonna try to slow it down a notch and burn maybe 500-700 calories in my hour and see if that helps me preserve some more muscle but still burn fat.  I have been eating a lot so that I can gain muscle while still trying to tone down my stubborn belly, but if I’m losing weight and my stomach still looks like crap, then I must be losing the weight in my muscles and that is not what I want!!!

Aside from that tho, my workouts have been great!  I have been trying to add in new exercises for every bodypart and push myself as hard as possible!  I feel great, so I think I just need to be patient and keep working hard and everything will come along.

This week was Hot August Nights here in Reno, and I have to admit, it was a LOT of fun!!!  It’s something that I will look forward to now every August, and even if I don’t live in Reno anymore, I will come back for it because it is just an incredible spectacle to see and be a part of.  The Best of the West Rib Cook Off is in two weeks, so I’m sure that weekend will fatten me up plenty lol.  Ok, I’m off to the gym!