backsliding and body aches
First, I want to say thank you to the people who have been supportive in my process of quitting smoking. Secondly, I want to apologize for letting any of them down by back sliding a few days ago. I was driving home after work and was thinking to myself "turn right and you can make it home, go straight and you’ll be ruining the streak you’re going on without it." I knew that i would go past my gas station where i buy my cigarettes all the time. Turn…. turn DAMNIT!!!!…. TURN!!!!! Oh… We’re driving straight….. we’re pulling into the parking lot, why are we getting out of the car????
I didn’t even pack them and smoke one right then and there like I normally would. In those last attempts subconsciously to resist my urges and deal with the shame i was feeling for folding. I waited until I was in the private comfort of my patio at home, away from the judging eyes of the world.
I couldn’t even bring myself to just smoke one or a few to curb the cravings and get rid of the rest of the pack. I had to rationalize to myself that because they are so expensive i should finish it ove the next day so that i wouldn’t just be throwing money away.
I absolutely felt the effects of having stopped smoking and starting again on my lungs while going for my daily jog. I was pushing myself up a hill and felt as though i wouldn’t be surprised if i dropped to the cement with a collapsed lung. I realized how i liked the feeling i had been sustaining for the days prior of doing better, little by little and pushing myself further and further.
I was confessing my shame and self loathing to a co’worker who also smokes. I had finished that last pack of skinny cylindrical tubes of self hatred and had bummed another one from him. He didn’t give me the standard "AH! quitters never win!" or "Pussy! why can’t you stop yourself" that i had come to expect from other people in my life. He said comfortingly, that it takes an average of three to four times for a person to kick the habit and backsliding was just part of the process. He said to hang in there and don’t beat myself up over it, but at the same time don’t give in to the "I have no control" mentality. He gave me a piece of niccorette gum that he had on him and said that it was for the "in case of emergency" situation. It was nice to have someone so understanding give honest encouragement. I’ve had to do so much self motivation and pushing in my life that i couldn’t remember the last time that i received truly poignant encouragement. I’m going on two days since that talk and i really can’t thank him enough.
It’s been rough even getting into my car lately. I can smell the smoke odor that i had become so used to that i hadn’t even noticed it. Being that i drive from client to client all day, i used to smoke while i drove. Not doing so now and regaining my sense of smell, it is starting to get to me and i’ve tried Febreeze, but it just masks it temporarily. I’m gonna have to do some serious cleaning out and airing out of my car.
But other than that, i’ve really been pushing myself to maintain consistent with my jogs on a daily basis, i’m taking tonite off, because i figure for mental and physical health, one day off a week is a safe thing. I have enjoyed this break in the day away from my phone and my computer, just letting the thoughts that have been racing around in my head finally get a chance to work they way through and process out rather than jumble up like a traffic jam in my head.
I’ve been pushing myself harder and harder because i like to feel my muscles ache the next day to let me know that i’ve actually worked them and pushed myself. the down side is that i’m hurting in places that i didn’t even know i could feel anything. yes, my calves and thighs and butt hurt from the walking, but it’s weird to have my back, obliques, abs, and chest ache… i haven’t felt those muscles ache like that in seven years. There is a sense of accomplishment in it. A badge of honor. Like a war wound, or scar to be proud of.
So lately, i’ve been giving thought to the new year coming up and the thought of the resolutions we make and most of us have tendency to break. I will say that i’ve never made one to get in shape, but this year i would like to do so, resolution or not. I am debating whether to spend money on some equipment to use at home and continue to work out as i have been just upping it a notch to incorporate more weight lifting into my routine or to spend that money on a gym membership. I’ve had the input from a friend that said i might keep motivated if i know that i’ve spent money on a membership, but i have another friend that bought a membership to a gym but has never gone.
So happy friday to everybody and happy Chrismahanukwanzika as the holidays are upon us. Enjoy the weekend.
