b2ou6hty

First, I want to say thank you to the people who have been supportive in my process of quitting smoking. Secondly, I want to apologize for letting any of them down by back sliding a few days ago. I was driving home after work and was thinking to myself "turn right and you can make it home, go straight and you’ll be ruining the streak you’re going on without it." I knew that i would go past my gas station where i buy my cigarettes all the time. Turn…. turn DAMNIT!!!!…. TURN!!!!! Oh… We’re driving straight….. we’re pulling into the parking lot, why are we getting out of the car????
I didn’t even pack them and smoke one right then and there like I normally would. In those last attempts subconsciously to resist my urges and deal with the shame i was feeling for folding. I waited until I was in the private comfort of my patio at home, away from the judging eyes of the world.
I couldn’t even bring myself to just smoke one or a few to curb the cravings and get rid of the rest of the pack. I had to rationalize to myself that because they are so expensive i should finish it ove the next day so that i wouldn’t just be throwing money away.
I absolutely felt the effects of having stopped smoking and starting again on my lungs while going for my daily jog. I was pushing myself up a hill and felt as though i wouldn’t be surprised if i dropped to the cement with a collapsed lung. I realized how i liked the feeling i had been sustaining for the days prior of doing better, little by little and pushing myself further and further.
I was confessing my shame and self loathing to a co’worker who also smokes. I had finished that last pack of skinny cylindrical tubes of self hatred and had bummed another one from him. He didn’t give me the standard "AH! quitters never win!" or "Pussy! why can’t you stop yourself" that i had come to expect from other people in my life. He said comfortingly, that it takes an average of three to four times for a person to kick the habit and backsliding was just part of the process. He said to hang in there and don’t beat myself up over it, but at the same time don’t give in to the "I have no control" mentality. He gave me a piece of niccorette gum that he had on him and said that it was for the "in case of emergency" situation. It was nice to have someone so understanding give honest encouragement. I’ve had to do so much self motivation and pushing in my life that i couldn’t remember the last time that i received truly poignant encouragement. I’m going on two days since that talk and i really can’t thank him enough.
It’s been rough even getting into my car lately. I can smell the smoke odor that i had become so used to that i hadn’t even noticed it. Being that i drive from client to client all day, i used to smoke while i drove. Not doing so now and regaining my sense of smell, it is starting to get to me and i’ve tried Febreeze, but it just masks it temporarily. I’m gonna have to do some serious cleaning out and airing out of my car.
But other than that, i’ve really been pushing myself to maintain consistent with my jogs on a daily basis, i’m taking tonite off, because i figure for mental and physical health, one day off a week is a safe thing. I have enjoyed this break in the day away from my phone and my computer, just letting the thoughts that have been racing around in my head finally get a chance to work they way through and process out rather than jumble up like a traffic jam in my head.
I’ve been pushing myself harder and harder because i like to feel my muscles ache the next day to let me know that i’ve actually worked them and pushed myself. the down side is that i’m hurting in places that i didn’t even know i could feel anything. yes, my calves and thighs and butt hurt from the walking, but it’s weird to have my back, obliques, abs, and chest ache… i haven’t felt those muscles ache like that in seven years. There is a sense of accomplishment in it. A badge of honor. Like a war wound, or scar to be proud of.
So lately, i’ve been giving thought to the new year coming up and the thought of the resolutions we make and most of us have tendency to break. I will say that i’ve never made one to get in shape, but this year i would like to do so, resolution or not. I am debating whether to spend money on some equipment to use at home and continue to work out as i have been just upping it a notch to incorporate more weight lifting into my routine or to spend that money on a gym membership. I’ve had the input from a friend that said i might keep motivated if i know that i’ve spent money on a membership, but i have another friend that bought a membership to a gym but has never gone.
So happy friday to everybody and happy Chrismahanukwanzika as the holidays are upon us. Enjoy the weekend.

So i make no attempt to hide the fact that my primary vice is smoking, but in the effort to continue a healthier lifestyle i had accepted that this was something i would have to give up. My habit is about a pack and a half a day. So i made my decision to finish out the carton i had last bought and to quit after that. My last pack ran out last nite and i woke up today completely having forgotten i had made this promise to myself. I woke up wondering where my cigarettes were, how had i been so stupid as to not have one ready for my age old morning routine… then "ah… yes… that’s right… we quit… what the hell were we thinking." Amazingly i was so preoccupied that i didn’t even notice that it was snowing.
Quite the way to officially usher in December, a blanket of white covering the ground. I decided to distract myself from my craving by going on my daily walk/jog. I had replaced my lost MP3 player and was happy again to have music to help in my motivational process, and as i trotted along in this winter wonderland i found that Daft Punk is great to walk/jog to. The beats make a perfect pace to jog to and measure your breathing. I was dripping wet from snow melting on the heat of my shirt by the time i got home and was sore in my legs again, but it was a good walk/jog and beautiful along the side of the lake.
But now it’s late nite, and i’m having cravings again. I don’t know what to do, i keep having urges to put something in my mouth but i don’t want to nosh on useless calories especially this time of day; but it is taking everything i have not to get in the car drive to the store and buy a pack of cigarettes. I might just take a sleeping pill and try and get some sleep. I feel sorry for anyone who has to be in close proximity to me over the next couple of days… i can tell already i’m not going to be pleasant to be around. Look out, and thanks for listening.

i started getting dressed to go for my jog this evening and i was hunting all over the house and i can’t find my mp3 player, i think i might have lost it. I will be the first to admit i suffer from a very hard battle with motivating myself to get out the door and do this. But i did anyway, i also decided to try a different route. I decided to take one that while shorter, was half uphill and then put me lakeside to cool down while i came back up on my house and had to hit the hill again to get home.

i think the idea to push myself up a notch was well intended, but it made pushing myself in my exercises difficult. My sides were still hurting from the jog, so i could feel my form in my crunches and oblique crunches fade as i get into higher reps. I pushed myself to do wall sits so i know i’ll feel the burn tomorrow.  
I was talking to my friend on the phone who is starting a cycle getting ready for figure competing and i felt like such a wuss by comparison of what she is going through. I’m really focusing on shaping the mass that i have and am looking forward to my next phase of working in weights to really start toning areas of focus.
Happy Tuesday, hope y’all are hanging in there also. If you have any good motivational tips, shout ‘em out i’d appreciate it.

So it’s thanksgiving evening (and btw tomorrow is festivus ppl) and i will admit i slipped on the diet a little bit, but not much. My step dad (suffers from) has Celiac Disease which makes his dietary restraints very complicated but as a by product for the rest of the family rather healthy actually. So my dad cooked dinner for everyone and we enjoyed each others company and a i had perhaps more than i should have of things that i’ve been trying to cut out of my intake, but it was worth it and i’ll do what’s necessary to get rid of it in my work outs. But i just wanted to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving. Hope yours was enjoyable. Thanks,
Broughty

I seriously hurt today. It’s been three days since i really kicked up the gears and got back into the swing of things (hence the title of the post) rather than just haphazardly trying to work out here and there. I started walking to a park near my house which is two and a half miles away and back hopefully to start ramping it up to jogging and then running when my body adjusts to being kicked up notch again. Since taking the new job i’ve been worried about falling into old bad habits that i had when i worked in the cube farm; sitting all day, eating the food that was the path of least resistance rather than concerning myself with what was healthiest and doing the little things to keep my health in mind. Three days in a row is the most dedicated i’ve been to a work out routine in years now that i think about it. My previous job kept me on my feet for eight hours at a time and lifting heavy objects in various positions gave me the push to lose a lot of excess weight that i hadn’t even realized that i had been carrying. Now it’s time to really start shaping my body into something that i’m proud of and living a lifestyle that’s healthier. I still find that i’m hoping that i don’t give into the pain and give up on this and create a pattern/habit that will stick so i can justify a gym membership in the new year.