tewie-building

brayden will be rid of my boobies TOMORROW.  he started biting right before i left for vacation and couldn’t wean him while i was going away because of traveling with milk bags and i think that would be a traumatic time for a baby to be weaned so i decided i would work through the biting till we got home and cross my fingers that maybe i could get him to stop by th etime we got home with my goal of nursing for a full year.  he did seem to back off of it or at least limit it to daytime feedings so i removed two day feedings.  the first i replaced with pumped breast milk and the second with formula. (there are few things i despise doing more than pumping my breasts and i ONLY do it before a workout because i couldn’t do cardio with all that excess in there!!)  this lowered my supply of corse and so i cut the morning feeding and am down to bedtime nursing only right now, which i have decided to cut tomorrow.  he pushe off of my breast, bites, picks at my nipples… it’s just time.  i feel that it is time for both of us.  he is not acting satisfied again, i want my body back… it’s time.

that said… i am going to go get ONE bottle of hydroxycut.  i don’t liek to use fat burners but i think hydroxycut gives such a great energy boost and i feel such a drop in energy from cutting calories, that it will get me through that initial blow to my energy.  i also know that hydroxycut is too expensive for my stay at home mom budget and so i will have to just maek the best of one bottle.  i get pretty strict about my diet on that sort of thing because i don’t want to be wasting money.  i am pretty confident that this will help me to kickstart my way back to a better place by thanksgiving… i have been doing a little better even in the last week where my cheats have been relatively smaller and more reasonable than my overeating had been.  i really believe i can be in a pretty good place by thanksgiving and by new years be where i like to be (of corse you can ALWAYS improve but i mean i’ll be in the range of where i am comfortable and like the way my clothes fit, etc)

jeremy and i have also been talking about when to have another baby.  i want to move first which means not for another year, but i also sort of think it may be one of those things that will not come till it’s forced to (moving) so i wonder if i should just take the mindset of "no good time to have a baby" and just go for it sooner.  then i toy with the idea of competing once before another one figuring that there is no way i’ll be competing again for probably several years (being a mom is a lot of work and i don’t want to put competing before that… i can work on my goals as a secondary thing to mothering, competing is something that takes too much out of me to be a good mom at the same time if i had TWO BRAYDENS!  i can only barely think that i could do it with one of him!!!)  so i’d sort of like to get that out of my system once since afterall i was planning on competing once before i had him, only whoops that’s when i got knocked up! haha….  what better reason to drop out of a competition! ha!!!  (i’ve actually never heard a better reason! hehe)  so i guess i have some decisions to make there… perhaps God will decide for me… afterall He sure decided about brayden! (thanks to Him!!! unexpectedly!!!)    either way i am looking forward to not worrying about eating enough to make enough milk, and using that as an excuse, and depending on nursing to burn a ton of calories (i don’t really think it did me any favors) and my hormones leveling back off (i think nursing makes you hold fat because of the incerease in prolactin)  and so on.  however, i admit… that after the ABSOLUTE HELL that is nursing at first… and i mean hell… and i mean a longer time than what they say (they say it’s rough for a few days but in a week or two it gets better… took me 4 months before nursing wasn’t a dreaded fact of my existence!!!) it did get to be something that is a very intimate and fascinating thing.. .to know that i am feeding my son’s life…. to see his sweet face falling asleep…. there are some mornings i’ll have engraved in my brain forever of his slap on my chest with his little fists, his "talks" with my breasts, his tickle under my arm… i must sound crazy… i bet i would have made fun of someoen for saying these things and feeling this way in my prebrayden life.  but nwo…. as excited as i am to finally feel like i’m taking back my body… i am also feeling a little bit of a disconnect to him… a loss of his infancy…. something i’ll never get back.  i had no idea it felt like this to be a mom. how bittersweet each day is.  how you can love it so much and love every minute, and be so excited for the next minute, but still missing what you leave by going to the next… i had no idea how bittersweet the whole thing would be.  i never imagined i would be this type of mom… well any type of mom much less the type that is sitting here in admitted tears because i am watching my baby grow and change and mature and… so excited for every "next" thing, but also wanting to pause each day.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, October 28th, 2009 at 8:10 pm and is filed under Other. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.