tewie-building

so the weather was ABSOLUTELY AMAZING today… as it has been most of the week… only i vowed to do my fall cleaning this week so instead of enjoying that wonderful breeze and bit of pre winter sunshine i have been locked in my house tearing apart closets, cabinets, dusting on top of the kitchen cabinets… etc… the real down and dirty fall cleaning!  i met up with a really great friend of mine this afternoon for a little stroll around the mall with the babies… and on the drive home i was totally nodding off in the car.  brady fell asleep right as i pulled into the condo complex and i figured there was a great afternoon nap in store for the two of us… but instead, the second i stepped out of the truck i realized WTF am i doing!!! it’s going to be raining again by tomorrow and there are such few nice days left before winter is fully here… why would i waste it dusting cupboards… they will be there tomorrow!!!  besides most of the work is done and i am down to my own closet and braydens and i’ll be done…  there is rain forcasted tomorrow i will have nothing better to do but finally conqure packing up the pack n play (anyone who’s taken one apart knows how impossible it can be to get all that crap back into the bag it came in… it’s almost like reversing giving birth!!!)  and organizing the bedroom closets for the final to do of my operation fall cleaning.  oh and the sad task of condensing the 0-6 months of braydens life that i am ready to pack up and get out of the house for more space. (tears!!!)  so i strapped up the baby and off we went.  so glad for that… i LOVE afternoon walks.  i am not sure what brady and i will do all winter in the afternoons… the walks hada become a scheduled part of our day for the summer and lately we’ve just been running more stupid errands to get out of the house, but i won’t want to drag him out as much as it get’s colder and i hear more threat of swine flu.

so (in my normal long winded fashion) the point of all this is that a walk alone with brayden is valuable think time.  i was walking along feeling my flabby stomach (it does not look like it did in my last progress pics right now… ugh)  and remembering how tight it was the thursday before our wedding.  (that’s when i fell off the boat and have been all over the place since with a few good weeks in there somewhere)  and it occured to me that when i eat whatever i want in whatever amounts i want, i weigh all of 130 pounds.  132 max.  that’s working out of corse because i LOVE working out so i don’t even have any idea of what i would be without working out… it has been over 12 years since i started to be able to have a clue.  so the thing is that even at my max weight… at 5′7′’ there is no way that 130 can be "fat" right?  well it can because of skinny fat which is what i very easily become very quickly.  but it’s like… i know a ton of girls my age and my height that would kill to be where i am when i’m at my worst, so then i start this brain game that goes, "i guess i should just be happy that that is my worst and not be so damn worried about it!!!" but the thoughts always circle back around and i remember that the fact of the matter is that i am just not happy or comfortable there.  no matter what… i just don’t feel good when i slip to that place.  and so instead of waking up adn thinking, "oh yay a skinny day, i can afford to eat a bunch of crap today" followed by three days of oh my gosh how did i turn into that bad from ONE DAY off my diet (i get puffy, bloated, and soft right away)  and then i’m back on till the bloat wears down a few days later and the cycle continues.  but what i need to remember is that i will never know how great i could be if i keep pulling that bull ****!!!  why am i so retarded that i play this game with myself!!!???!!!!

i need to focus on my other priorities:  1.  teaching brayden a healthy lifestyle that focuses on balance and discipline and being better than okay or good enough.   2.  dieting is a discipline… something i definately value… something that i let slip away when i play this game.  discipline would be to stay prudent with my plan even if i realize i can afford a little wiggle room…. because… can you ever REALLY afford wiggle room?  if you can it simply means that your standards need to be higher because you can always improve or you become complacent.  3.  that 5 pounds is the difference between my clothes fitting or not, the difference between me feeling comfortable taking off my clothes with my husband, the difference between feeling like myself or me in a big comforter…  that five pounds is a big deal actually.

i will never forget when a friend of mine said that she judged me harshly until she went to a weight watchers meeting and learned that each person veiws themselves on their own scale so a person who needs to lose five to ten pounds… that is just as real to them as an obese person who is struggling with 30, 60, 90… pounds.  then she understood why i stress over that rediculous five to ten pounds.  i appreciated her new respect and understanding.

i know that i have two choices… i can continue to diet one day and not another, lowering my self esteem and self respect… never reaching my potential or i can suck it up and stick to it through thick and thin…. there are two ways to end this mind ****.  i can give in and accept myself fat, or i can committ to my "best laid plans" and be someone i can respect.

why i am retarded… i am retarded for continueing this for so long now.  for allowing myself to act like knowledge is enough.  knowledge is nothing without behavior.

This entry was posted on Thursday, October 22nd, 2009 at 7:13 pm and is filed under Other. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.