tewie-building

we are leaving for iowa tomorrow night!  i can’t wait.  i am going to sleep like i haven’t slept in eight months!!!  of corse i’ll still be getting up at 3:45 to hit the gym before the family gets up… but oh there will be naps!

today is full of house cleaning, starting packing, making lists for what needs to be done last minute tomorrow and the hubby needs to take brady to see his grandma and grandpa to say goodbye for the week.  he will have to pack when he gets home so he can be ready to go right after bowling tomorrow (he’s dork and bowls on a league, but at least he’s a talented dork… he’s very good! hehe… i actually love to watch him… i guess that’s part of love… adoring their interests too….)  tomorrow will be jam packed… we will be in the car for somewhere around 18 hours so i need to have a nice big lunch box packed, plus the food i will take for the week there (i have allergies so it’s best i take my food… for a whole week… so it’s a lot)  i’ll get produce there, but i made and froze lunches and protein pancakes… etc.   anyway… i also want to get in an hour of cardio, yoga, and bodypump since i know i’ll be in the car so long.  hopefully i can get an hour run in when we get there friday, but if not, it’ll only be my second missed day in 7and 1/2 months so i can’t complain… i know i won’t miss any comming home.  i just don’t like how i feel when i miss, and i guess that’s why i am so good about it.

my sister and i are starting my 12 week plan to new years as soon as i get back, and i’m excited to see if it helps me get some more muscle shape.  i’m eating more calories and i think i’m feeling much more energetic and healthy.  i hope i don’t have to cut too many back when i’m done nursing brady… which i hope to talk to the doc about when we get home.  i want tos top as soon as i can without having to put him on formula at all.  we have been doing yogurt and he LOVES it.   such a sweetie.

my jack book never came so if it’s not here by tomorrow i’ll be bummed to not have it for the trip, but it’s not like i don’t have ten other books to read so i’ll survive.

the bds book is SO MUCH more helpful to me.  i’m on day four of it and feeling emotionally a lot better than i have in a few weeks.  maybe i’ll just bust it out everytime i feel like i’m struggling… i like that it doesn’t get so feely… sometimes i do eat for emotional reasons but sometiems i’m just sabataging msyelf and it’s not some deep emotional reason.  sometimes i just got hungry.  bds works with that stuff AND hits the emotional stuff lightly… but realitsically the more i look at myself the less i think eat for emotional reasons.  i mean.. i’m VERY happy with my life.  i love my husband, i love my baby… i’m fascinated at watching him grow and change.  i get frustrated with the crying and that does end me to the kitchen but every since i acknowledged that i haven’t been tempted from that at all… it’s more just knwoing the peanut butter is in the cupboard and it tastes good.  haha… but why can some peopel resist and others have more trouble?  that’s more what the bds deals with and i think it actually is hitting my mentality better… i’m a pretty logical no bs sort of girl and i think the emotional eating book was a little more fluffy than is longterm good for me.  i did diuscover that i sometime eat out of rebellion… AGAINST MY OWN FRIGGIN RULES which is just rediculouse so i’m ganna put on some blue eye liner or something.  that’s a big no no… but not as detrimental as overeating! haha.

so my spirits are up a little todya… if i make it through today i’ll feel a TON better because it seems that when i get on those kicks of really struggling i usually find thatif i can get 4 good diet days under my belt i start to have confidence in myself and get back on track form there.   (funny cause the bds emphisizes confidence techniques to help… not like confidence in your looks, but in your ability to stick to this diet business!!!)  which is a LOT of my issues… i get nervous and anxious that i won’t be able to stick to it and go okay then i’ll go ahead and blow it.  ugh stupid!! creating my own worst case senarios… supid!!!!! supid stupid stupid!!!

okay well the child has become mobile and it’s time to chase him away from more danger! haha…. i think he’ll be fully crawling by the time we get back from iowa but right now he’s rolling himself around the room and getting cords, bags, etc etc etc… anything but his toys!!!

i am generally long winded but i am tired tonight and have a LOT to do tomorrow (this is a busy week getting ready for the family vaca trip!!!  want my house to sparkle, my laundry done, food ready to go… etc.  leaving thursday night)  so i’m ganna try to be short (for me anyway)

a few rants from the week/end:
1.  my jack lallane book has finally been sent.  will it be here by thursday for the trip? i do not know but i will be highly bummed if not.   I LOVE JACK!!!   i am very dissapointed it took so long for them to finally pull the money and send the book…. but it was a good deal.  i found a special in an oxygen magazine or clean eating i don’t remember where you could buy the book and get a year of clean eating for free!  SO worth it… the book only cost like two bucks more than if you got it any other way.  speaking of… did anyone see tosca has a new one out.  MY MOM FOUND IT… how the heck did she stumble apon this little gem of info??????    was excited though… i love fitness books, don’t you!!

2.  i got discouraged that the shrink yourself book has "weekly" sessions/projects/exercises, whatever you want to call them and decided to go ahead and read on when i lost my focus and my discipline and… just… argh… ya know?  argh!!! so i read on and got some good info out of it but i’ll be honest, the meat and potatoes of the book is on the website "shrinkyourself.com" and so i read, highlighted and made notes of stuff that hit home for me on the rest of the book on friday… followed by a VERY stressful night that had me digging in the peanut butter jar.   it was probably one of the top 3 worst nights of my married life.  (no we are good… just saying since we got married it was one of the roughest days i’ve had.)  and as always goes… the stress of screwing up with the pbutter (among other things truth be told) only made me feel ****tier… and the circle continued… saturday was not much better and i almost NEVER screw up two days in a row.  it was a very very stressfull weekend.   that’s no excuse.  so…

3.  i brkoe out the beck diet solution book.  i read it when i was preggers but couldn’t do all of the "exercises" because it wouldn’t have been appropriate for a preggers girl.  i love the book because it is not about diet.  it does not explain your behavior.  it just helps you change it.  and frankly i’m done caring why i eat badly… i just want to stop.  that book is probably the best for me becuase there are daily challenges instead of weekly so i have a new thing to try to do daily… plus i love psychology stuff and combinging psychology with fitness… oh what could be better in the world (besides brayden’s smile of corse!!!)  so i am going through that book again.  i do think it helped me before…just everything’s been different since brady was born.

i want to remember to behave in a way that i would want him to see.  he’s still too young to understand when he sees me eating peanut butter like a crazy woman out of the jar but i don’t wnat to have to worry abou twhen he does understand.  it’s not far off.  i want him to have a healthy relationship with food which means i need to set a good example of that.  i have finally determined my final answer on sugar and treats:  as long as they are planned and moderate it is fine.  "what would i tell brady? how do i want him to veiw foods?"  i asked myself… and i decided that i would want him to see it as a healthy and normal thing to have celebrations and treats once in a while, but not daily.  so the question i am always asking, "is it better to have a little in moderation daily or just cut it completely"… the answer is… i think… neither.  i think that it is good to know that you can have a small treat once in  a while.  i want him to know he can have a lollipop when we go to the bank… but not everytime.  (who am i kidding my mom works at the bank he’ll get one everytime haha… but i mean this as an example mroe and if my mother did not work there…) i don’t want him to think that everytime you go to a special place you get a special treat… but that sometimes it’s okay to.  that you don’t get it everyday.  that it’s a treat not a reward, not a daily thing… but an occasional.  so i am cutting the sugar pretty hard for the next week or two just because my body needs to get it out of my system a little from my over indulgences, but then slowly, i’m going to PLAN a small thing here or there.  and anything unplanned will have a one or two bite rule.  so if i know that my mom is ganna have something spectacular at bible study on tuesday night or jeremy is going to take me to a dinner on saturday or whatever…  i can PLAN a SMALL something special in there… but if ididn’t plan it then i just decide to stick to it.  i love how the bds (beck diet solution) says:  the stress of weather or not to "cheat" greatly diminishes the second a decision is made… that means that the decision not to can be jsut as relieving as the decision to give in.  how true, right!!?!!  all the emotional struggle is in the fight with yourself about weather or not to go for it!!!  she also states that all unplanned eating is bad because it reinforces your inability to stick to your focused goal.  so if you want a treat, you decide it the day before and you plan it into your day and rather than beating yourself up for it, you have it and know that it wasn’t something that helped you twoards your goal but it was small enough to not be  a setback either…. it’s a veyr healthy approach.  if hwoever i would find that there was a suprise of something VEYR good… i want to be comfortable enough with food to say, "okay i’ll have a bite or two" AND THAT BE IT…. because all food loses it’s wow that’s soo good after the first two bites really!  if they weren’t satisfying to me, more won’t be either.  i just need to have two bites, a bottle of water and tell myself that i’m full cause i ate the whole bag instaed of thew ater (even though it was really the water…) that’s how i quit smoking and i can apply that here.   so here’s to hope again….

vacation could be a small challenge.  last year i was pregs and ate snickers everyday.  the year before that i took my food (allergies…)  and the only thing i did wrong was a little wine so i actually came back thinner!  maybe i can stick to that this year again…  i’ll have the bds with me and work on it even though i’m on vaca… after all if it’s not vaca it’s something else… there’s always an excuse to eat poorly…. which means there’s never really an excuse.

three days till we leave!!!! can’t wait for my boy to see his great grandpa.  oh my goodness that boy gets sweeter everyday.    he lights up and his whole body gets so excited and tenses up and he screams with this huge excitement when he sees me if i left the room and walk back in.  it’s absolutely breathtaking the way he is happy to see me.   this weekend he woke up crying twice in the night (he has been sleeping through the night for a very long time now)  and i went in and rocked him back to sleep and i was telling my hubby in the monitor how this was a real guilty pleasure… i knew it was wrong to go in because i know it can set habits, but man oh man does it feel good to have his little body just curl up to me.  he grabs my face and pulls me into him and just lays his mouth into me (his idea of a kiss haha)  and it’s this slobbery disgusting but wonderfully heartwarming… oh my goodness….  i just had no idea it could be so cool.   even after all my stress this weekend, in the midst of it, i wouldn’t change my life for anything.  i have an awesome husband, a beautiful boy, and more love than i knwo what to do with.

… and this was supposed to be short…. it’s bedtime!!!!

this week is about accepting that you emotionally eat.  i do.  if i hadn’t accepted that i wouldn’t have bought the book.  but i can understand that htere is resistance and i admit that on a strong day i might not believe that i am when in fact that is just a strong day and i am anyway.  you can indentify an emotional eating episode a number of ways but my favorite one that was listed was this:  anytime you are eating that is for any reason other than hunger.  wow… how often do i do that… ummm yeah… pretty much daily.  however, i truely believe in eating before and after a workout weather you are hungry or not if you want to keep your muscles and power your workout, so i will continue to eat those times.  i also have been so accustomed to the eat every three hours rule that i do that even if i’m not hungry and don’t neccessarily think that that should stop.  however, what happens is that often i eat becuase it’s time and i have planned what i will eat and then get stressed and don’t stop… or maybe it’s the chewing releases some stress so i keep going?  i don’t know, but i notice that the time this is worst for me is EVERYDAY BETWEEN 2-5.  if i could survive that time with only my planned 3:00 snack, i’d actually probably never ever eat badly.  i only eat badly after that because i am FULLY GUILTY of the black white i blew it so eff it mindset and that is my biggest known charactor flaw.  anyway… i have to find a way to occupy myself at those hours.  the problem is that there are a ton of things i’d like to do at that time.  yoga.  cook (cooking actually doesn’t tempt me because i am good about just drinking some coffee or chewing gum instead… i enjoy cooking for the act of it.)  i can do laundry.  i can clean a closet.  i can go for a walk.  go to boarders and read a little.  web surf.  shuffle the babe around the mall… there are a million and ten things i could do to occupy that time.  the problem is on days like today:

the day was going well.  i’m eating right and on track.  i have high hopes for myself because this book has helped me identify a lot of wrong thinking (and actually some down right immature thoughts and behaviors… i’m using my body as a battle ground and i’m the only one getting hurt!!!!… ugh that’s more than i’ll get into today though)  anyway…. i was going on and feeling okay.  then i got home from my mother’s house (where i’d had a sensible lunch and one hershey kiss… was right on track with my plan for the day)  then it started.  i went into the kitchen to clean up the produce from my grocery trip and was going to make some "clean" broccoli salad.  i was already tasting it!  then it happened.  little bobradypeep…. it started.  out of no where he became inconsolable.  he had a rough night (and has been sleeping through the night for months now so this is not normal for him) and so i don’t know if he is having tummy trouble, teeth, or just grumpy, but he could not be satisfied.  i could get him to stop crying, i could even make him laugh… but not for long and not without my undivided attention.  that’s when the guilt set in.  something is wrong and i can’t fix it.  that feels bad.  then he cries some more and that’s when it starts to just frustrate me (the why can’t my child go a whole afternoon without crying thoughts)  then the worst part of it all happens… i feel guilty for feeling frustrated.  it is the worst guilt i’ve ever felt in my life.  i love that boy more than anything and more than i knew i could have possibly… he’s amazing and he and my husband are at the center of my universe.. . in fact he is a LOT of why i want to get this under control.  i will not raise him seeing a mother who eats this irradically.  i want him to have a healthy perception of food and not see his mom is "WEIRD" or whatever… i want it to be like some of the fitness models in the magazines that talk about teaching their kids clean eating and having fun making healthy recipes with them. i want to be at peace and natural around food even when i do not have a competition or goal date for any reason… just a healthy lifestyle and healthy relationship that is disciplined but in a peaceful way.  where i just do it and don’t have to fight so damn hard for everyday that i don’t blow it.  i don’t want him to feel that tension.  it’s only a matter of time before he notices it.  this has to stop before he sees it.  anyway… to get the point… when these fussy afternoons happen… i lose it.  i totally lose my cool.  and maybe i see no other acceptable reason to walk away from a crying baby but to eat, so i retreat to the kitchen where i will jam whatever i can into my mouth.  sometimes it’s not even bad foods.  (actually usually becasue i don’t keep junk in the hosue)  i can over eat oatmeal, eggs, popcorn, even celery… it does not matter.  i just eat.  and today i realized it.  i was doing good, feeling good… it was all good… then it wasn’t.  and it’s the guilt.  there’s all this awful guilt for being frustrated that he cries like i shouldn’t be frustrated?  then there’s the guilt for eating the crap that only makes it worse.  if i don’t turn the circle around i’m just piling guilt on guilt.  it’s awful.  and the ****ty part is that now i will feel so angry about this eating all day tomorrow that it will be hard for me to eat right tomorrow because i’m harboring the guilt of today!!!!! this is A VICIOUS CIRCLE….

i don’t know what to do to make the afternoons easier moving into the winter.  when i was getting ready for the wedding i waited till my cravings were at their peak, then we went for a walk so that i couldn’t eat.  it worked and it worked well.  i almost never broke or at least not without planning the treat.  (even though i got carried away when i did have something i shouldn’ thave, at least it was always at planned times)  but what can i do with the weather getting worse!!?!! tomorrow is supposed to be rain.

the only thing i can come up with is sudoku.  is it productive??? nope.  would it be better to clean? yup.  yoga… taht would even be relaxing.  but i can’t do that with a cier.  at least sudoku i can look at while i bounce the baby and actually do with half focus and there’s no stress about it because it’s not something that i will be upset if i don’t figure out or get wrong or whatever… i actually play it  before bed most nights because it is relaxing to me.  so it’s hte only thing i can think of.  of corse if brayd is having a good day i will do something more productive like tear apart a closet or go through old clothes, or detail cleaning (i’m a clean freak obviously) or go to the mall or obarders or yadda yadda yadda…. but now that i have identified that time of day as the catalyst to my failures… i can plan my activities around that.  also jeremy had a good idea.  i will make whatever my snack for that day is to be (i don’t want to not eat at all between lunch and dinner, i just want to be able to eat my snack and be done and not munch crazy then!!!)  so he said put whatever it is in a container with a peice of tape that says the time (three or wahtever) and a note saying "3pm… done"  go to the kitchen, get the said snack and get the hell out and do not go back.  absolutely refuse to use that as my retreat.

i’m ganna try.  i actually am not a night binger like many people are.  i feel so good at night when it’s just me and jeremy watching the news and brady is in bed… and i’m … PLAYING SUDOKU… so there it is… that must be why!  i’m ganna give it a go.  i will not rest on this.  i am the most disciplined person i know and for me to be having this struggle again… i just… i don’t feel like me!  that’s a seriously frustrating feeling.  so i need to fogive myself and move on.

the only other thing is that i  have been weighing myself daily for years… to desensitize myself to water weight gains.  it has worked.  i don’t freak out when it goes up.  i use it as a gage.. .if it’s moving up, i know something needs to change.  if it’s moving down, i know that either something needs to change or i’m on track (depending on my goal at that time)  and i think that i feel this need to see it move one way or another.  like that when it stops my progress has stopped which is stupid because i don’t need to "lose weight"  i need to change my composition.  but i also like ot keep an eye on it so that i don’t freak out when i see it go up and also so that i at least do catch it if it’s going up and shouldn’t be… or wahtever.  so i think i’m ganna go to bi weekly instead of weekly.  even three times a week if i want to phase out of it… just not daily.  because here’s the problem with my brain and the scale: it’s up and i go wtf eff it i’m just ganna eat then if i’m ganna be fat anyway.  if it’s down i think oh well then i can still lose weight and i have wiggle room! and i don’t want to ever think that because even though i may have wiggle room physically, it is emotionally and spiritually very draining on me when i don’t eat right.  it’s just not good for me even if i "can afford it"  and when can we really afford it!?!!! never because that is just the start to when to know when to stop and frankly i don’t care how good you look, you could be better (i/me)  so there’s really just no reason ever to think that you can AFFORD A BINGE!!! yeah no.  i’m sure that chickentuna didn’t get to looking like that by looking in the mirror and going, "oh i look good enough so i can afford to eat a tub of ice cream and a jar of peanut butter!!"  yeah she wouldn’t look like that naymore! duh!!!!  so even when i am on track… i can’t mentally afford to do this.  it’s not even logical.  and most dear to my heart: i do not want my son to see a mother like this.
more prayers for me tonight.  need to forgive and move on.

anybody have experience with  beating this issue….
i’m open.

i just bought a book called "shrink yourself".  it’s about emotional eating.  so far i’m about half way through the information half of the book.  i hope to be to the end of that by the end of the dya.  (no i’m not trying to jump in too quick, but i want to get to the "sessions" section and then i will slow down and take it one at a time) it’s hard to explain that i need this because i understand that i am not overweight.  htat is why i’m not taken seriously on this subject.  my family sees me down half gallons of ice cream and thinks it’s funny.  they shrug it off because it’s just a break in my diet for me and i’m human. maybe it also helps them to not worry that i’m back to the old anorexic ways? maybe that’s really how it started, but what nobody takes seriously is what this does to my spirit.  i feel very very badly after i eat like that.  i mean bad… like a guilt that is probably on par with accidental manslaughter!!! bad bad. they don’t take seriously that i am hurt each time and that i lose respect for myself everytime that i go through this struggle.

i just got back from vacation.  on vacation, my son cried most of the time.  he has gotten much better (he was colic and cried for four months straight)  but when i get slapped with a day like that i follow a pattern of thinking like this:  baby cries->headache and sleepy for me->irritated and increased exhaustion->guilt for not knowing how to fix it for him->further exhaustion->guilt for feeling frustarted…. all of it leads to me feeling like a horrible mother and feeling very guilty about it.  then comes the i’m just ganna go eat something excape… and from there it’s BIG TROUBLE that leads to more guilt about eating that way.  not to mention that since fitness is my God-given passion, i feel i should be better than that so it’s double guilt. this has to end.  i got on line did a little search and came accross this book and the amazon reviews were really positive.  there were two reviews that were not happy with it (one and two stars) but the rest were 4 and 5 stars and people commented that they felt it was really helping them.  there is an online program to accompany that i’d love to take but it’s like 150 bucks or something and my hubby would never believe that i needed that kind of help, plus i’m not really up to spending the money on it anyway since i truely believe that this has to be something i fix… nobody else can do this for me.  a 150 dollar program won’t save me if i can’t save myself.
what i’ve learned so far:

there are 5 emotional triggers.  i definately agree and respond to all friggin five, but the worst one is self doubt and that is definately my biggest one.  i just got off the eliptical and had been reading the section on self doubt and was damn near crying!  what really struck me is that when i was anorexic i read a book that (after a ton that didn’t even come close to addressing my feelings) really hit home.  it talked about this inner voice that i named andy (the book tells you to name it and anna is the obvious name but i wanted mine to be a boy haha)  anyway… this book talks about "harriet" which is practically the same thing.  the part that is encouraging to me is that i remembe rthat the thing i got the most out of the book that helped me with the anorexia was that i am a very logical person.  i am set up in a no bull **** way.  that is part of why i get so frustarted when i eat poorly… i feel liike i’m not behaving like what i feel i am and what i respect.  eating poorly to me equals me bsing!!!  anyway… harriet is the inner voice that turns something stupid into me feeling poorly about myself the same as andy did.  andy caused me to feel i wasn’t worth food so i didn’t eat.  harriet as the book calls it is shut up by eating badly… stuffing her for lack of better words.  back to why i am encouraged by this thought:  i over came anorexia by realizing that andy was irrational and not a logical being.  when someone said i like your shirt, i would think, "oh my goodness… yesterday’s shirt must have looked awful!  what was i thinking!"  and i would feel worse about myself back to the you dont’ deserve to eat idea.  self punishment and slow suicide.  harriet does the same thing, only since i no longer take the ‘i’m not good enough to eat’ response… i now take the ’shut up harriet, and eat’ resonse which then makes me feel even worse about myself of corse for further screwing up and further proving my poor self worth… etc etc then i eat more… etc etc.  the good news is that i overcame the anorexia with a lot of logical thinking.  a lot of, "now really.. if i told someoen that i liked their shirt, it would be because i liked their shirt.  it’s no deeper than that.  it’s not because they looked dumb yestetrday.  there’s no hiddne agenda!!  so there’s probably none here!" and i was able to rationalize and make sence of it all in the end.  if i could beat the anorexia that way… wouldn’t it stand to chance that i could beat harriet the same way?

i’ll continue to share what i find in the book… but i hope it continues to offer insight. i fully understand that the book can’t heal me.  only i can.  only i can.  the longer i stay on a path of destruction, the harder it will be to recover.  i want to save myself now before my son has to witness a mother in constant turmoil with this.  people have overcome this before me, and people will continue to overcome this in the future. i overcame the other end of hte spectrum…  this yeilds hope for me as well.

… praying hard today…

i find jack lalanne one of the most inspirational human beings ever.  his discipline is sexy even at his age.  i am totally facsinated by people like him.  i once read that he was a kid… well a teenager when he went to a seminar and heard about the effects of sugar on the body.  he went home and swore it off…. made his family rid it of the house and refused to touch the stuff from there on out.  and stuck to it!!! wow.  it’s simple to him.  he just doesn’t eat it.  when he met his wife elaine, in true jack fashion, he told her exactly what he thought of her(i am a very straightforward person so i can appreciate his attitude even though he can come accross like an ass, i still just laugh and say, "that’s good old jack!!! he’s so old he doesn’t even care he just blurts it out haha)  … he told her that if he didnt’ like her he wouldn’t say this, but that she needed to stop eating donuts and crap and start eating apples and oranges… etc.  and so she did.  and when she started to lose weight, she went to his gym classes that he taught and fell in love with him… she is now in her 80s and does pushups, pullups, WATER SKIING… AT 80… I’M 26 AND I’M NOT SURE I COUDL WATER SKI!!!  she does have a bowl of ice cream once in a while, but other than that she doesn’t really eat anything processed either.  jack’s in his 90s and still works out for 2 hours a day and pretty much never eats anything that is not a good solid form of dietary fuel.  these two are amazing creatures.  i may cry when they die.  i mean i am in utter awe of them.  i am fascinated, encouraged, and humbled by them.  i think they are very close to the top if not the top of my list of people i wish i could meet before i die.  anyway the point in my telling all of this is to say how  JACKED… (haha pun intended) that i am that he has a new book out! my mom ordered it for me as a gift four our upcomming vacation.  i am actually on vaca at the beach right now but with just the hubby and the baby, it hasn’t been totally relaxing…. you can’t lay in the sand and watch your hubby jump waves if you are trying to calm a screaming 7 month old and keep sand out of his mouth… so it has not been as refreshing as one would hope… but the our trip to iowa with my parents… that is ganna be a WONDERFUL refreshment to me.  with my parents, my grandparents, etc… everyone there to help… i bet iwill even get a nap everyday!!!  and i bet i’ll get time to read too!!! so i am really looking forward to my book comming and the time to read it. 

jack is the controversy to me of my ever lasting life question regarding sugar.  i personally fight sugar cravings like NOBODY’S BUSINESS…. so i am always looking for someone who has ovecome such a struggle with this to find out what the solution is between: 1.  committing to just not eat it at all. or 2. try to find the moderation and allow it sometimes so you don’t go crazy!  i think the answer is to cut it totally.  i find i make it longer that way anyway…. then i always think i can add it back in with moderation and find that i get the taste for it and i struggle to get back on track as fast as i do when i just eff up once in a while.  however, there’s the initial freak out that i have when i think i can never have it again and i can’t stop… then i get used to it and do okay.  back to the part of the circle where i think i can moderate it.  ugh.  i hate to think of a life with no treats on one hand, but ont he other i hate thinking of having to fight this everyday.

i am on this kick of this again because i have struggled the last week and the last time i struggled for a week i ended up struggling for a month after that and i don’t want to have to go another month of that again.  i met a woman today in the gym here at the beach… she was 65 years old and had recently lost 165 pounds i think she said.  she looked great… and girlfriend was TRUCKING on taht treadmill!  i loved talking to her… i felt like i knew her ten years.  in telling me her story (and without knowing anything of mine) she said, "the hard part was learning to accept that i just can’t have chocolate.  i can’t do it.  i can’t control and moderate it so i just can’t have it."  and it hit home.  she said her solution is that when she goes out to eat to a meal at a restaurant only she will have WHATEVER she wants for that one meal and really enjoy it.  then that’s it it’s over and done and she never ever allows herself to do it at home.  i VERY RARELY do it at home so i could totally get that.  the thing about the restaurant is that we dont’ go out much because we are still a new family struggling for cash, and it’s my mom’s house that has the goodies.  i have a problem with gluten so i can’t go to a restaurant and dig in, so my mom has much more that is worth it to me.  i don’t like to go there on saturdays because i feel my weekend from friday night to sunday night should be my new family (hubby and baby) time so  i am often at her place on tuesdays for bible study, sunday for dinner and friday’s i go a lot to see my dad after i go to market with mom for her lunch.  so i go there too often to say okay i can just have treats when i’m at mom’s and no where else.  i think tuesday night would make the most sence to have a planned treat night.  my reservation is that EVERYTIME i have ever tried to have a planned treat meal i end up thinking all day, "what the heck i’m ganna eff it all up tonight anyway so i may as well go ahead with what i want!"  and i HATE that and i end up feeling miserable.  you’d think tfeeling that way would make me stop!!!!?!!!  i have the most clear headaed logical thoughts about nutrition and diet.  i think, "why would a person continue to overeat if it makes them feel badly"  i think, "this is counterproductive to my goals, so it is simple… don’t do it."  i think, "it’s not healthy and i want to set a healthy lifestyle for my son." i think "fitness is my passion so i will go at it full force." and i think, "focusing on the good time is better than focusing on the food you are or are not having." but untill i can get a good couple of weeks under my belt i am unstable and fickle and very easily broken down by the sweet stuff.  i think, "there is no real physical or even emotional need that i have to ever eat a candy bar and frankly it is sorta nasty when you think about them… they are cheap, fake, totally processed, and i swear ican feel my thighs growing when i actually think about eating them….  so i just won’t eat them anymore!!!" but then i get hit by an out of no where craving for a ****ing snickers bar or peanut butter cup or peppermint patty!!… that’s right ladies and gentlemen, i do not discriminate… once that craving hits i want them all, peanut m&m’s, even better peantu butter m&m’s and oh Lord save me when they have the holiday peanut butter cups (like the eggs and the batmans they had for a while, right now it’s pumpkins, there’s bunnies, and christmas trees… you kjonw the ones? oh my my my my my those HAUNT ME… i actually have had dreams about eating them… now that’s what i call a preoccupation and unhealthy desire!!!) i had dreams about smoking when i quit… that’s how bad this is.  i have had dreams about ice cream.  wtf.  who dreams about ice cream.  i feel i have got some serious psychological issues sometimes!!!  in fact the only thing i have going for me is that i wake up everyday and i try to do the right thing again the next day.  sometimes i get on a roll and ride it for a while.  then sometimes i get off and i am in the ditch for a while… i just try to make the high roads last longer and put the potholes fewer and further between…. but man i want so badly to be able to say, "i used to really struggle with sugar urges and overeating, but i have found balance and i feel better and stronger everyday."  i just don’t know if the following sentence would be, "i have found moderation and am able to eat a peice of chocolate if i want it and then be done and satisfied." or if it will havfe to be, "i had to accept that there are certain foods that i cannot control msyelf with so i can not have them."

the most frustrating part is how my mind will go from so clear and make so much sence to so foggy and clouded so quickly.  on sunday when we got to the beach i had a half pound order of shrimp for dinner and when it was done i felt perfect.  i felt satisfied, i felt full but not bloated and uncomfortable.  it tasted good and i really enjoyed every bite.  then tonight we went to phillip’s buffet (uhh if you’ve ever been to oc md and not been there i’m not sure how you missed that one!!!)  but i ate so much damn salad and shrimp (again the gluten issues limited my options..) but i had so much that i was miserable when we left and felt like oh well i blew it, where’s the peanut butter cup machine?  WHY WOULDN’T I JUST SAY, "okay i blew one tire today at this meal… but i’m not going to slash all four.  i will simply accept that i had a big meal and get back on track now!!" and now i’m ganna feel bloated and uncomfortable and pissed at myself for the next four days!!!!! WTF IS WRONG WITH ME!!! i feel like i had found that balance right after brady was born.  for three months i was so overwhelmed with him that i ate one or two dark chocolate hershey kisses  everyday or maybe an andes mint and that was it.  (50 cals) and i never struggled with it.  then my dad’s birthday came and i went nuts on a fruit and cheese tray (which hey if you are ganna go nuts on something that’s way better than the crap i usually blow it on!!!) but then, shortly after that it was mothers day and my sister got me a bunch of candy bars… i effing ate them all that night!!!!!  it’s actually gross!!! after wards i brushed my teeth thinking how nasty it made my mouth feel and even my tingling arms and hands… but then don’t you doubt that i didn’t go to my mom’s a week later and do it again.  who does this to themselves!!!!  how can someone so discilplined and focused… someone who has missed only one day of working out in seven months have to fight this so hard!!?!!

ugh… sorry for the rant in what started as an upbeat blog.  and a long one again of corse.   i just want to be able to have a success story with this.  my story wouldn’t be able to say i lost fifty pounds or anything since realistically i should never lose more than about 5 from where i am (7 max)  but psychologically… i want to be able to say, "one day i’d had enough and i took control of my life and forgave myself for treating myself so poorly.  i finally committed and i feel better now than i ever could have imagined."  i think that logically that would be combined with, "i am balanced and peaceful enough to have a treat once i  a while but i don’t crave it and i have a reasonable treat, maybe only a bite or two and then i am done and don’t really think about it anymore." but i am afraid it will have to be "i had to stop all together."  it breaks my heart when my mother buys stuff or makes me special treats like the brownies she has on her counter right now, the zucchini bread in her freezer…. she made it gluten free for me… and i want so badly to be able to go have a peice and really really enjoy it and then be done.  but i find myself telling her not to make me anything all the time untill i think i can handle it and i say go for it and then i gobble it down and don’t want her to make anything again.  i know it breaks her herat too because she is a very loving woman and shows it through cooking for others… and she is good about supporting me, but i know she wants me to be able to have a treat sometimes just like i want to… and she follows what i tell her but i jerk her around on it too.    after 5 years of being anorexic… how is it possible to have the discipline to not eat, but not to eat right!?!  i feel like i’m sufficating right now.

okay so here i am.  going to the beach on sunday… fat.    so the thing is that i busted my butt just as hard as i did for the wedding and i was right where i wanted to be for the wedding so i am not happy about this.  actually just the last day or two my diet has sort of fallen apart in my frustration.  it’s hard to stay motivated when you see nothing happening.  i have NEVER had this happen before.

so i have agreed to go to the beach with a positive attitude and just be happy that i am going to get some extra rest.  i normally would be looking forward to drinking, but i know that when i drink i don’t sleep well so i am not too concerned with it anymore.  (wow… am i getting old or what!!?!!)  i guess once you have a baby you value your sleep in a way that you could never have imagined before?  i also think that my lack of sleep is a large part of my struggles with my body lately.  so i am looking forward to really relaxing.  i’m still going to get up and go do some cardio and abs while i’m there because… well it just wouldn’t be my life if i didn’t.  i wouldn’t feel like me.

i think that when it’s said that i need 2000 calories for nursing, that would be for maintenance but i have a little flab to lose now so i think i should be a little lower, and probably whatever i need for cals while i’m nursing to lose weight would be my maintenance cals when i stop nursing?  anybody have thoughts on that?  i am really wanting to shoot for 1800 but i really find it hard to stay under 2000 these days.  maybe i should just go with the 2000 for a while… stop pushing myself for one thing and the next and maybe i’ll be able to find something i can live with.  i feel like i’ve been in an endly cycle of getting ready for something and i really love hwat jack lalanne says:  (not word for word because i can’t find the quote…) you don’t have to worry about getting into shape for something if you just stay in shape all the time.  i want to be that way.  i want to live it all the time and not just to get ready for something.  i take pride in that i’ve always been able to shape up for anything with four to six weeks notice, but i want to be able to hear there’s a party tomorrow night and feel comfortable going.  i want to just have balance.  i may never compete again because i’m pretty sure that’s what screwed my head up into this to begin with.  i think that at 2000 calories i could incorporate a few not so perfect foods once in a while (like saturday or sunday or whatever… not a rule on when, but just that i plan and incorporate instead of go crazy once a week!)  i can balance it out a little that way and just live healthier at 2000 cals.  but is that way too high?  it feels like it should be too many, but it feels like something i can do as opposed to making msyefl stick to 1600-1800 and only being able to do it a few days at a time before i crash and burn.  i suspect i have the activity level to support that… but i wont know unless i try it and stop trying to overcut.

i also think that taking a break from the weights and heavy hard workouts for a few days will make me nervous to eat badly.  like right after i had brayden i ate SO well because i know i can’t work it off if screw up when i couldn’t workout!  it set me up and i was really eating balanced and really well and enjoying a hershey kiss or two a day not even everyday then… it was working for me then.  granted i weighed more so it was easier to lose.  i’m only 125 right now so it’s not like i’m big but i am softer than i was at the wedding for sure.  (which really makes me suspect the overtraining becasue i actually added a set to all of my weight workouts)  i know that with more sleep i could keep up this level, so i am just going to have to find a way to get more sleep.  how much does it effect your goals if your 7 hours are split up and i get 5 at night and an hour twice a day or two hours later in the day??  anybody have any experience there?
this whole mommy stuff is really hard this first year with breast feeding.  i can’t wait till that’s done.  i can wake up and roll out of bed and to the gym without having to take 20-40 mintues for pumping my boobies.  i really think that when we get back from iowa i’m going to call the doc and talk about weening him off.  eight months is good.  i know that they shouldn’t ahve milk till they are a year, but i think it’d be stupid to try to introduce formula to him for only 4 months?  but i just don’t think i can do it anymore.  i’m exhausted from it.  it’s a weird thing.  i love nursing him now that it doesn’t hurt so much.  it’s a really deep connection and i will never forget what it feels like to feel his little hands whacking my chest while he sucks and his little humms and grunts and shrills… his light scratching my side… it’s so intimate.  maybe that sounds weird… but wow… it’s so fascinating to know you are feeding this amazing little life.  (i’m starting to cry!) i had no idea it could feel like this.  half the reason i nursed my son was be3cause iknew it was best for him.  the other half was made up of reasons such as: i was told i wouldn’t be able to do it, save money, lose weight… totally selfish reasons haha.  the first three months were so hard that i swear i only did it becasue i wanted to prove i could.  then it became.. something else for me and him only.  now it’s just for him as my love for him has become more giving in nature.  but i am really ready to be done.

well… one more workout before a much needed break so i better get some rest to make it worth it!!!

would it help to split my cardio into two sessions?  perhaps doing a 45 am cardio and then 20 mins in the afternoon instead of the whole hour in the am on lifting days (so that’d be five days out of my seven)  i don’t want to cut back on it… i’m basically afraid that my body is so used to it that it would definately make me gain to cut back.  i like to workout and like everything i do… i just think that when you are doing things right you should feel better than i have lately and to not be making progress tells me that something is off.

… i just want to have enough energy to take care of brayden and be fun for him, not feel starving, and i just really think that when things are right you don’t feel cravings and tired and so on… i was right on getting ready for the wedding, but now i feel my chemistry is changing with my milk supply running down…

… right when you think things are figured out.  as a female.. .it all changes then.

… open to advice. (formerly know it all!!!!) haha

so as i mentioned a million times in my frustration over the last four to six weeks… i have been trying to lose what i gained when i said eff it after the wedding for a month or so.  (stupid stupid girl…!!!)  i went back on the same meal plan i had been following for the wedding with a few tweaks to make it actually a little cleaner (cut white potatoes all but twice a week where i had been having them almost daily… with my eggs in the morning and replaced with apple which i know is proven to help weight loss)… etc…  my calories have been about the same as they were and i stopped the hershey kisses most days. (i was having two a day before… 50 cals)  i am still nursing, though since i added food to brady’s day i am only doing that four to six times a day as opposed to the twelve times a day it had been at first.  (yeah that’s why my occupation says braydens bitch and bottle… there was a LOT of time spent just sitting and feeding him!!!)

with my small tweaks to make this all cleaner and better and healthier and so on and so fourth, i have not lost a pound.  i am still holding my 125 which i am not opposed to… i am tall and that is not a high weight.  however, i look best and feel best at 121.  i know i know i know it’s only 4 pounds, but i can not tell you how different those four pounds make my clothes fit.  (think muffintop)  so this morning i stepped on the scale and found the same number staring back at me.  i rolled my eyes, held my pounding head, and chugged a big bottle of (self brewed) green tea (no sugar… just lemon…. i am very anal and i am certain about my calories and serving sizes…)

i added a day of hiit… so my hour of cardio daily has been one hour steady state three days a week, and the other three has been 20 mins of hiit and fourty of steady state… some days with subbing out speed intervals in the steady state time once or twice a week for 20 minutes on the stepper.  i have also been taking an hour walk in the afternoons when it is nice enough (which the last two weeks has been nicer again except for yesterday)  the point is i am busting my ass.  i added another set of all exercises.  i typically do a regimine that looks something like this:  legs-5-6 exercises 2-3are supersets and 1-2 that are heavier and not supersetted with anything; chest- 3-4 exercises 2-4 of them supersets and one of them if only three exercises is heavier and not supersetted… same for back.  arms are 2 exercises supersetted for four sets or 3 sets with an added third exercise.  shoulders are same as back and chest.  all of that is once a week each.  (mon legs tues back bis wed chest tris shoulders) and then thursday i have been doing legs again but lighter and higher reps or more "old fashioned exercises" things like step ups and switch lunges, plyos…etc… not typical weight exercises and no more than one machine (maybe a squat or press but not always even that)  then friday is just cardio saturday bodypump which is full body weights very high reps… my second hit of everything for the week… it’s fun but super challenging too.  i did everything the same for the wedding except for adding a fourth set to everything.  i also do yoga once a week (twice if the weather is bad and the afternoon walks are shot… on leg days monday and thursday)  so i am wondering… my belly is really holding stuff that it did not hold for the wedding and i actually feel like i was cheating more on my diet then towards the end. it was like once the weight started comming off it was comming so well that i was able ot really blow my diet BAD once a week and another day cheat a little too… now i am only cheating once a week and it’s really sticking to me.  so… what are the chances i’m overtraining???  it seems silly to think that when you consider that there are athletes that train MANY hours a day regularly, and i don’t work or anything so i should be able to handle that work load is my logic.  but it’s the only thing i can think that could be wrong.  i am so frustrated and it is warrented that i feel that way with as hard as i’m working…

has anyone out there ever lessened their load and found they got better results?  or am i missing something else.  i am eating  1700-2000 calories a day and still some breastfeeding.  i’m really open to any advice at this point.  i have NEVER had trouble getting where i wanted to be once i got over the hump of just eating right.  it cannot be blamed on having a baby since i lost it all for the wedding and was a tighter 121 than i ever was before baby.  help!!!!

12 more days till we head to the beach.  i am pretty frustrated that i’m not looking any better than i am.  i’m not in bad shape or awful or anything, but i know i could be better and i feel that i have been really good actually with my diet so i am not certain why i am not looking better.  i do still think that plenty can change in 12 days if i just hold onto my britchesand keep going, and just really focus on remembering that getting frustrated and blowing the diet isn’t going to help… sometimes there are times when things don’t just fall off for everyone and at those times, you have to just keep working through it.  i’ve just NEVER in my life gone two weeks without results when i was on my mission to lose and following a plan like this.  i mean i’ve really stuck to it… one thing i can say for myself is i own it when i’m off track and i have really been good with just my once a week day.  i tried to give up the day off last week to try to bust through this, but ended up with two days then last week.  (the first time i messed up twice in a week in a while)  and at least the second was not like an all day thing, i just got carried away at dinner at my mom’s… it was an awe inspiring fruit tray and i did not expect it.  anyway it wasn’t that bad for me.  so i am hoping i didn’t undo my numbers for next week with that.  my weight is holding at 124-125 and my wedding weight and where i like to be for bikini day is 121 so it’s not like i’m that far off, but as they teach in weight watchers, "one person’s 5 pounds is as big a deal to them as another person’s 20 pounds… it’s just as real to them and just as important to them"  mostly i really can tell a difference in how my clothes fit with just that three pounds. that’s the true tell tell. numbers can be decieving we all know.

anyway… 12 days.  here’s the plan i’ve been following if anyone has any criticism.  please bare in miind i’m still breast feeding so i do need a few more cals.

4am- oatmeal, egg whites, fat free cottage cheese, flax seeds, blueberries, sf syrup (300 cals)
60 minutes of cardio (20 hit 2-4x a week and the rest is steady state); 30-40 mins weights
7:30- whey skim shake, banana (250)
10am- egg whites, apple, walnuts or flax (250)
12:30- rice, fish or chicken, veggies, olive oil or light cheese, salsa (300)
3:30pm- ff yogurt, strawberries, almonds (250)
6pm- chicken salad fruit (300)
9pm- egg whites, flax, veggie omelete, whey (250)

1900 cals 35-40% pro; 40-45% carb; 15-20% fat is the average.  i vary this slightly but it’s pretty close to this most days.  two days a week i get to sleep in and i have a bigger dinner and higher gi breakfast but stay 1800-2100 cals which with my activity level i think should be low enough…. i am SUPER SLEEPY  with any less.  open to thoughts advice….