tewie-building

i’ve been following pretty much the same plan that i did getting ready for the wedding and have not been feeling like my body is adjusting the way it was for the wedding so i’ve been pretty frustrated but what’s weird is that it’s not that i’m not responding it’s just so different.  like i don’t think my arms look as good as they did a month ago, and i have felt like my belly just wasn’t tightening up the way it normally does.. .then this morning i look in the mirror and my abs looked way better than they’ve ever looked at this weight.  (not better than they ever looked, but for this weight) which would lead me to believe i am putting on some muscles which is FABULOUS but where oh where have my triceps gone!  very confused… but mostly i think that my hormones are ALL WHACKY because my milk supply has really been dropping and brayden is pushing away from me more and more durring the day.  i know that progesterone can make it hard to lose fat when you are nursing because it forces you to hold a little fat/water for milk making, so i am hoping that when i do stop nursing that things go well… but i do get nervous that the decrease in calories burned from nursing will make me gain weight. (i can’t imagine eating less calories than i do… not that it’s so low but i am just up so many hours to run off of less meals would be… uh… not good for me)

anyway i am left at a loss for why i have been spot on with my diet for several weeks now and barely see any changes.  the only other thing i can figure is that there is more than i’m seeing. (i’m not exactly good at seeing where i’m at until i’m not there anymore if that makes sence)  my mom does say she can tell so perhaps i’m just having issues seeing it for myself.  i only have two weeks left to the beach.  i do think you can make changes in two weeks but nothing extreme and i refuse to go to an extreme eating too little so… i’ll just keep kicking doing what i can and hope that this comes together in the next two weeks.  i’m sure i felt like this two weeks before the wedding so it is probably a lot mental.  i hope….

cpr starts tonight! we will be certified by sunday and i should be ready to be teaching by october!

so obviously i gave up trying to blog my diet on here… mostly because i lose my internet access so often that it’s a pain to try to retrack then.  i have been keeping my journal though and have seen as i suspected that it does make a huge difference.  my bod is still far from where i want it for the beach and the trip is only two and a half weeks away, but at least i can say that i have regained a sence of self control and discipline with the loggging and have returned to only weekly cheats.  they are bigger than they should be, but it sure beats three times a week like i had been on a bad track with after the wedding!!!  my mom says she can tell i’m getting back to where i was, but i just hope i can see it a lil more in the next two weeks.  i truley think that nursing is making it harder.  i have read that the increase in progesterone makes your body hold a layer of fat that would otherwise be shedable. (plus waterweight)  and i can see that in my abs probably more than ever.  but they are getting better i guess.  my milk supply seems to be slowly slipping so i am at this point feeling like i’ll be happy if i can make it til he’s 8 mos to give it up.  i really wanted a year like the apa recommends but i am just greatful to have made it at least 6 mos since studies show the benefits actually start to level off at that point.

anywa… medic first aid.  my dad has had an llc for a year or two now and we have toyed with the idea of starting a few new businesses (one of our longest and most wanted was an ice cream shop… shock shock right… those of you who know my love of ice cream haha…)  but we have slowly gotten away from that over the years and thought of several other things.  he’s always trying to find a way to market me as a trainer/diet consultant, but i just hate that i don’t have a college degree and think it takes my credibility.  i know a lot, but how do you show that professionally without a degree?  well… we finally found something that looks like it’s going to work.  he wants something he can pass to my sister and i as he moves on in life as a backup for us to always have a way to make money.  i have a cosmetology license so i’m sure he’s thought of things with that because it is a very dependable job field (people always need coffins and hair cuts is the way the schooling was marketed to me haha)   but i don’t really like to do hair as it turns out so that fizzled away….

my dad and i have been getting ready for our family trip to iowa and looking for our next adventure… repelling.  i love rock climbing.  old pops isn’t into the up part.. he just wants to come down.  we wanted to go bungie jumping for years but i’m not sure what happened to that.  so anyway he has been combining his job responsibilities with research on ropes and things for repelling and in the mix of this (long story short) went to renew his cpr/first aid.turns out there isnt’ many people in the area teaching it.  (to cut more and keep the story/point short…) he is giong to foot the bill for my sister and i to get certified to teach and he is in the process of becoming an instructor teacher.  he bought a family of maniquins and we are on our way. my sister and i have our first classes this weekend and then we will have some studying to do before our instructors courses.  between the three of us, my dad has a split swing shift work schedule, my sister has a put your 40 in at your convenience type of schedule and with me a sahm, between the three of us, one would pretty much always be available to teach.  wallaaahhh… a business is born!  we expect to be fully operative by late october!  i’m glad because i sure could use some spending money.  God love him, my hubby is money concious which is a very vaulable and respectable thing… but God love me, i wanna shop! haha.  it is nice too because i won’;t be roped into some crazy schedule that i have to find a sitter or daycare for brady.  i could do a couple nights a week a week or two a month and easily have three hundred bucks and never have to use a sitter (do it on nights/weekends jeremy is home for brayden)  as a plus, my dad and i, as well as my sister and i have really gotten a better relationship over the last year and a half.  it used to be my mom and i were thick but i couldn’t be in a room too long with my dad or sister, but now it’s really nice… we all get along.  don’t get me wrong, my mother and i are still sickly close and at an unhealthy level (haha) but it’s nice to be able to connect and enjoy seeing my dad and sister now too. (speaking of, the sis is STILL WORKING OUT REGULARLY!!! I’M SO PROUD OF HER!!!)

well i am off to get my books to start studdying so that we can get through our required class training a little more quickly this weekend.  wish us luck!  i dig anything with health/medicine/etc so i’m really excited about all this.  i can tell my dad is too and everything is better when you have a partner or partners

so i didn’t get to blog my food last night which i’d rather do the next day anyway, but it was the same as tuesday except for i had soycrisps instead of popcorn and had an extra serving so i was over on cals but just a little bit.  nothing to whine about.

today however… ugh.  the good news is that i didn’t go get the m&m’s i was thinking about.  i didn’t eat anything sugary actually.  i did eat too much is the bad news, but it was at least all healthy.  i have an overabundance of fruit in the house because i went to market and got a little carried away last week and then i just was grubbing hardcore today.  not sure why, but at least i was good for six days… so one day won’t undo a whole week as long as i pick my ass back up tomorrow which i am VERY confident i can do.  my hubby’s taking me on a day trip for my birthday WITH THE BRAY!!! so i am excited and certain i will be more concerned with that than with eating junk so i just need to go pack up for a successful day tomorrow and for saturday.  saturday could be a little bit of a challenge because my best friend from high schools wedding shower is in the afternoon and i feel so free on saturdays.  but i think it is good that i had my "cheat" (which wasn’t even a cheat as far as food choice!) today so that i don’t get on the "weekends are a free for all ride" before i re-reach my goal.  i can get away with a REALLY bad day on saturdays if i eat really good all week and that works for me most of the time, but only once i’m where i need to be and right now i am certainly not.  so… time to go pack up!

wish me luck and recovery on the diet tomorrow asap!!!!

i feel awful to say this…. this morning i got home from the gym and sat down to eat my banana and my shake and caught on the news that there was a shooting in an la fitness here in pa.  not the one i went to before, but somewhere around here.  my little boy was playing on the floor with his toys and my husband was sitting there eating his cereal and i got very sick.  i almost started to cry!  i guess it hit home because this was the first shooting that was somewhere that i go… and would NEVER think something like that would happen.  for those of you who didn’t see it… a man walked in with his gym bag, flipped the light switch on the pilates class and began firing 52 or 53 shots i think it was.  he killed three women in the class and then shot himself.    what a strange place for this to happen.  and pilates… i mean… i guess it just freaks me out to think i could be shot doing yoga!!!  my hubby said i am a terrible person because i never flinched when there were church shootings, school shootings, hotel bombings, transportation traumas…. but the second it happened in a gym.. it hit me.  i think because the gym is my second home.  i really do feel most safe and comfortable there to anywhere but home.  and a pilates class… that feels so personal.  please don’t take it wrong, i do feel for all those other shootings and all those families left with that horror… but it wasn’t personal.  and i’m not the most sensitive girl ever (though i am more since having brayden) but i just… wow. ya know?

jeremy, always able to make a joke in times of horror said that the man was angry there wasn’t a les mills class (ha… i always complain that there aren’t enough places with the les mills classes… they are SO tough and i love them!!!  makes me feel girly but they are guy worthy butt busting classes) and  i confess to having laughed… until i realized i was actually shook up enough that my belly hurt.  i didn’t even want to finish my banana.  jeremy said, "yes ash, that’s the world we live in.  i could walk in anywhere i want tomorrow and shoot the place up."  and i guess it is… but… damn… sometimes it hits home i guess.

sorry if this was a bit weird and over sensitive of me… but maybe more people on here get what i’m saying because i know that a lot of you probably feel the way i do about the gym being a safe haven.  of corse many many people feel that way about church and so i’m sure those stories shook up a lot of people.  i’m very strong in my faith and conviction as a christian but i’m not a big "church" person… so it took the gym to really get me.  how scary to look at my baby and think how fast he could lose a mom or a dad… or worse how fast we could lose him.  mm.

still in pain with the tooth and still swollen but much better.  the penicillin is actually causing me more discomfort than the tooth right now, and the stitches rubbing my already swollen and sensitive cheek. however, i am on the upswing with this thing.  been a rough few days with it.  i did have to skip my weights again today because i was SO queesey by the time i was done cardio.  tomorrow i’m going to go and just lift and do cardio later in the day at home so that i can get my weights in for each body part twice this week still.

todays doings: planed for 2150 (high day)

4am- apple, oatmeal, egg whites, flax seeds (350)
5-6 60 mins cardio (20 hit on stepper and 40 mod steady state eliptical)
7am- whey, skim milk, glutamine, banana (250)
9:30- egg whites, peaches, flax seeds (250)
12:30- gf spagetti, cod, tomato sauce, peppers, broccoli, olive oil (300)
yoga
3:30- ff yogurt, strawberries, sf jello (150)  egg whites, fruit (while cooking a little)  (100) almond milk frozen latte (100)
6:30- chicken, salad, ff cheese, watermellon (350)
9pm- popcorn, pistachios (200)
+sf popcicles (for tooth/cheek!) (50)
total cals 2100 (+50 for gum and 2 sf candies) = 2150

i know the popcorn isn’t great, but i don’t do it everyday and it’s not BAD either. (especially when you figure it’s keeping me from going for other much worse things that i was doing before!)

that’s that.  off to bed so i can lift in the am.  swish swish with the salt water time!

so the tooth that has been inflamed and bothering me is already broken and there wasn’t much of a tooth left there anyway.  it’s been like that for five years and never bothered me till saturday morning.  point is that extracting that **** is not a simple crank and yank job like the wisdome tooth was.  lemme put it this way… the dentist looked at me and said, "i don’t like to do this with you awake.  the novicain may not work because in infection is acidic."  NIIIIIICE.  just getting the novicain i was gripping the chair in a way i never have before.  this was by far the most painful dental proceedure i’ve ever had (and i have soft teeth so i’ve had my share of dental work… they look much prettier than they are.)  anyway… it was AWFUL.  awful awful awful!! BUT OVER NOW!!

so i woke up this morning and i’m still VERY swollen, but i popped a perkaset in the middle of the night for the pain which caused me to oversleep and miss the gym, so i stayed home and jumped on the eliptical for an hour.  not only did i survive that, but i even did the last 20 mins hit!  go me. of corse this left me SUPER THROBBING and i decided my chest workout can wait till wednesday and i’ll just have a longer workout with my shoulder day.  (or tomorrow if i’m tired so i can do legs on wednesday… they are far more important to me.  my chest is not a weak point for me)  since i knew i was going to get the tooth done today my diet for the day is a little weird (salads in the morning aren’t really normal behavior for me haha) but i wanted to make sure i ate the right stuff!  the only thing i had to sub out was my almonds for some pb2 and almond milk because i couldn’t eat the almonds after the nightmare yanking!!  (but man oh man what a relief that it’s over!)

i fogot that pennicilin makes me feel like i’m in my first trimester of pregnancy.  in otherwords it makes me queesey, but i keep eating it isn’t so bad… that’s why i gained over half my weight with brayden in the first trimester and then hardly anything after that (opposite most women)  but i’m holding strong and just drinking extra coffee drinks.  (i make ‘em myself and they are only 50 cals verses the like 200+ if i went somewhere for them, plus decaf for breast feeding)

so here’s to day 4!!!!   i have always found that getting through four days when i’ve veered off course very badly is the trick.. .by the fourth day i start to feel so much better that i don’t struggle with my diet as badly after that.  even if i splurge it becomes easier to get right back on after that because my habits feel like they are back (since it’s not new to me or anything, just something i took a bumpy road on for a while)  i think too that the sugar gets out of my system in that time (or that’s how it feels) and so my cravings drop off a lot.  my confidence that i can do it starts to go back up (and often times i end up eating badly because i’m pissed off that i ate badly!!!!)  so i start to feel more in control and confident in my ability to do it and find that really helps me drive through then.  … what a relief to have made it through these four days again.  i just wish i knew how i could avoid doing this ever again.  i know that i’m journalling again (not just on herebut my own notebook has always helped) and i know that when i slipped each time that i can remember was when i stopped doing that so i guess it’s just ganna be a matter of continueing to do that even when i feel i have a good grip again.  (hence i’m on here journalling too… so i can be called out if i stop recording!)  anyway… here’s today because i meant for this to be a short post and here i am long winded AGAIN!!!

5am- oatmeal, egg whites, ff cottage cheese, sf syrup, sf jelly, blueberries, flax seeds (350)
60 minutes eliptical (last 20 hit)
8am- chicken, salad, watermelon (350)
11am- chicken, rice, mixed veggies, olive oil (300)
THE TOOTH REMOVAL…
2pm- whey, almond milk, glutamine, frozen banana (250)
5pm- apple, flax seeds, egg whites (250)
7:30- strawberries, ff greek yogurt, sf jello, grapes (200)
took a walk with the hubby for an hour
9pm- flax seeds, whey, egg whites, pb2, almond milk (made like a protein brownie, and a cold coffe latte!) (250)
total cals 1950 (+gum, 2 sf candies)  2000

time to sleep in hopes of less swelling tomorrow and a good energized workout! (NO MEDS TONIGHT TO SLEEP!!!) maybe some ibprophen for swelling… hopefully that doesn’t make me sleep heavy (painkillers always help me sleep)

okay i had a good three days finally!! (in a row!!)  i’ve found that the third day tends to be the hardest for me when i’m trying to get back on track after really struggling for a while, and didn’t struggle today at all.  little munchy in the afternoon, but some popcorn got me through, and i am pretty confident that i am back in business here… FINALLY!!!!! (i’m especially confident because i had reasons and excuses and opportunities this weekend to go for the ice cream and i didn’t do it!) so here’s my story:  saturday i woke up with a tooth ache that swelled into a HUGE lump on the bottom of my face that makes me look like i have downs syndrome.  it’s awful and SO painful.  i actually went to the er on sturday night but all they could do was give me perkaset… which was good enough to at least get me some sleep last night and take off the edge of the pain….well.. when we went to get my prescription for more drugs, i thought very hard about getting ice cream.  it was especially hard when i saw they now have "light" pints!  i had a reason (pain.. i needed something cold which was why i went to that section to begin with)  i had the opportunity (uh it was right there) and i had the excuse (but i have been in the er all night!!)  and i didn’t do it.  i got the strawberry popcicle that i planned on and went in there for (i really did need SOMETHING and i needed it to be cold and smooth but i am hell bent on not eating chocolate at all for two weeks)  so i got my popcicle and i got my ass out of there to wait in the car for the prescriptions to be ready.  i came home and ate an egg white, taking my total cals for the day over my plan by only 150 calories which is NOTHING for a saturday that i was up so late and with so much stress and pain.  i’m feeling pretty good about that.

so here’s my weekend:

friday:(planned 1800 cals)
8am- potatoes, egg whites, peppers, sf catsup, grapes (350)
10:30- flax, whey, pb2 (made like a brownie) (200)
1pm- rice, chicken, salsa, olive oil, ff cheese (300)
60 minutes steady state cradio and 15 minutes of abs
4pm- 1/2 banana, ff yogurt, sf jello strawberries (200)
6:30- chicken, salad, guacemole, kiwi (350)
9pm-apple, egg whites, flax (300)
12am-almond milk (in decaf coffee)
total cals 1800

saturday (this was a party day and the whole tooth thing, so i think it’s considerably good)  i planned 2000 cals…
6:30- oatmeal, egg whites, ff cottage cheese, sf syrup/jelly, blueberries, 1/2 banana, egg whites (350)
60 minutes eliptical, bodypump class (full body weights 60 minutes… super challenging.  LOVE IT… if you ever get the chance to try one… DO SO!!!)
10:30- soy crisps (450)  … i like to have these as a "treat" on saturdays but they are very natural and have a lot of protien.
1:30- apple, flax, egg whites (200)
4:30- chicken, salad, tortilla chips and salsa (400)
7pm- egg whites, popcorn, grapes (250)
9:30- sf jello(20) ff yogurt (80) strawberries (50) (150)
1am- popcicle (150)
1:30 am- egg whites (100)
total cals for day 2100

sunday
6am-  oatmeal, egg whites, peaches, pb2 (250)
9am-  egg whites, potatoes, peppers, catsup (250)
60 minutes steady cardio (eliptical)  … struggling with swollen painful face, but i did it.
12pm- whey, almond milk, banana, glutamine (250)
3pm-apple, walnuts (100)
got munchy… popcorn (100)
6pm- chicken, salad, watermelon (350)
9pm- sf jello, ff yogurt, strawberries, whey, egg white, flax seeds (300)
total cals=1700… (+gum and 2 sugar free candies) =1750

so all in all it was not bad… sure not perfect but the best i’ve been for three days in a row in a pretty long while.

my birthday is next week and my mother likes to make us anything we want for dinner and desert for our birthdays (it’s her thing) but she agreed to put mine off a week so that i can get two weeks of feeling under control and back on track under my belt before i splurg a little.  (then i can afford a meal a week… even taking it easy all day once a week doesn’t hurt me once i get my butt back in gear that THE NEXT DAY I GET RIGHT BACK ON IT!!) and i will be more inclined to do so if i can get a good foundation going… so she was understanding and agreed.   i always debate between lasagna (my favorite unclean food) and chicken, potatoes, and green beans or broccoli for my dinner (don’t laugh i actually like that especially chicken on the grill is like a treat!!!) so we are ganna do the chicken, taters and veggies on my birthday since i like that but can fit it into my clean plan and i’ll splurg on some lasagna next week. she makes me my own little gluten free pan of it… it’s fabulous.  i will cut it up into peices and freeze them and eat a peice every saturday till it’s gone (at which point she’ll probably pretend it’s my birthday again and make me something new to freeze and enjoy on saturdays.  she’s great like that… that’s why i always struggle at her house) but she is usually supportive too and will try to help me out when i’m struggling and stop having/making stuff that i struggle with.  then when she thinks i’m too thin she’ll make a bunch of crap to tempt me.  it works too… that’s what got me in this position!  ha… that’s my mom for ya!

wish me luck tomorrow… i called the oral surgeon’s cell phone number today and cried and told him my story about last night and how much pain and swelling i have going on and he agreed to let me come in tomorrow.  they usually have a couple weeks wait so i am just hoping that he fixes it instead of just looks at it.  i also hope i don’t wake up as swollen as i am now and was today becausei was able to workout after the drugs kicked in but they also make me woozie so i’m hoping to not have to take any tomorrow.  tomorrow is chest day so i’m ganna have to either put it off till tuesday or (more likely) just do things that don’t ahve to lay down or bend down for.  (that’s when the THROBBING kicks in.)  cables and machines type of deal.  i can roll witht hat for this week though.

if i make it through tomorrow (planned cals 1950) i’m pretty positive that i’m back on the upswing.  (and i have high faith because especially if i get my mouth dug on… i wonj’t be wanting anything but a protien shake all day ha… ) so wish me luck on the pain!  i’d rather give birth again than keep dealing with this pain.