tewie-building

so with the wedding two weeks ago and my diet a wreck over the last two weeks i’ve done some soul searching the last week.  what i learned was this:  after two weeks of eating AWFUL i gained only 2-4 pounds (it’s fluctuating with how much i eat) but what i’ve lost (ONCE AGAIN) is my self respect.  that’s when i realized: my goal is not 120-125 pounds and yadda yadda yadda…. that’s just a measurable number and what my goal is can not be measured.. my true goal (as in my statement statement in the title on this site) is to respect myself and to do that i need to respect my discipline and ability to do what i feel is healthy… pretty much to behave in a way that i would respect someone else for behaving (ie tosca reno, chickentuna, amysuds… your basic ckean eating poster children)  the problem is that i use my weight as a gauge of how well i’m doing that and it just isn’t an accurate gauge and frankly i’m only proud when i look better because i know the work that went into it.  when i look good and ate crap i still feel liek crap and i ahte myself for it!

i’ve learned that i need to re-evaluate my goal.  my goal is not to weigh anything or fit into anything (though i see that body as an added benefit and as i mentioned, an indication of weather or not i am meeting my true goal… the disciplined behaviors i expect of myself.)

they say that to meet your goals you have to accurately state them and i’ve been stating them wrong for a long time, stating my weight goal or my jeans that i want to fit into, etc… then i get there… the goal is met  and i behave like it’s done and start eating badly again and have to start all over again.   each time i lose a little more faith in myself.  so i’m restating my goal.  my goal (to have respect for myself) is to ALWAYS make the best and most nutritious choices that i can possibly make at any given point; to stop overeating (even on saturdays) and focus on improving my body, my performance in the gym, stamina, and most importantly setting a good example for others (ie my son and the women in the gym who watched me go from competition fit, to preggers to prost preggers and on…)  my new goal is to make my diet as much a non-negotiable as my workouts.  i hardly ever miss workouts.  i am the most consistent person i’ve ever met.  even hangovers don’t keep me from working out! i mean i just don’t miss… it’s like brushing my teeth and on the RARE occasion that i don’t feel like going i remember that by the time i am laying in bed that night i’ll be thinking "i had the energy to do it really… why didn’t i just do it."  and i hate going to sleep feeling like that… my goal is to feel that way about my diet.  to make it something i just do right and do not debate or even allow myself to negotiate.  something that will be as natural as every normal daily task… feeding the baby, doing my hair, putting on make up… etc; my goal is to fear laying in bed wishing i hadn’t messed up more than i fear missing out on that peice of chocolate the way i fear laying in bed missing a workout more than i fear doing the work.  my goal is to ALWAYS CONSISTENTLY make the best possible choices and not make excuses or saying "i’ll get back on tomorrow."  i only lose respect for myself each time i say that and i doubt my ability more everytime.  so instead of focusing on the body i want as a motiator… the motivation will be building my discipline and ability to do what i know is right… my "resistence muscles" as the beck diet solution calls them.  my focus will be on doing what i know i can be happy with instead of what i know i will be dissapointed in myself for.  making myself healthier, happier and peaceful.  not thinner, tighter (though that will be a natural biproduct if i am really honestly doing the best… and a bonus… i can’t deny i want that but it’s obviously not enough to drive me or i wouldn’t be where i am right now emotionally dissapointed in myself)

this is going to be a battle for me as it has been for years.  i am praying my bum off that restating this goal in what i veiw to be a more accurate depiction of what i expect for myself will aid in my ability to actualize what i really want at the core of it: self respect, discipline and confidence.

the other side of this (i’ve read a lot of books) is going to be to set some seriously no matter what rules.  one of the BEST diet books i ever read was the beck diet solution.  some of it seems silly, but if you actually do it even the stuff that seems stupid… it really does work.  you can’t just read it and think about it.. you ahve to actually DO IT… no matter how dumb it is and how much you don’t think you need to… anyway… one of the parts i like is the unbreakable rules.  it’s scary because you want to think that sometimes you can break the rules, but you have to set these ofr yourself… they just have to be realistic so that you can follow them, build your confidence and adjust them as you need to (not break them…. adjust them)  i know what is realistic for me and so here are my NON NEGOTIABLE RULES:
1.  32 ounces of water FIRST thing in the morning and 32 ounces of water LAST thing before bed. (i sometimes think i’m super hungry when i wake up and find out i was just dehydrated also this sets my mindset for the day in a clean an healthy way)
1a.  64 ounces of plain water durring the day
1b.  limit one diet coke a day (coffee and flavored water outside of the 128 ounces of plain as needed)
2.  NEVER EAT A FULL SIZED CANDY BAR.  it’s a fact i don’t need it and it only sets me up for failure.  there is pretty much never a time when there isn’t a better option (not to mention i keep almonds, tuna packet, raisins and whey protein powder with sf water packets in my purse so i ALWAYS have a clean option.)   never eat more than ONE bite (like if my mom or dad has one on vacation… one bite and a large glass of water to feel like i had more.)
3.  dark chocolate only for a sweet tooth… but sit down and enjoy it and don’t do other things that allow me to be distracted as i pop more kisses in my mouth!
3a.  NEVER MORE THAN A SERVING SIZE OF THEM OR A SINGLE DARK CHOCOLATE HERSHEY BAR (180 CALORIES) BUT AIMING FOR ONLY 50 CALORIES WORTH (OR TWO KISSES)
4.  2000 calories a day average (until i’m no longer nursing i think this is ABOUT where i should be but i will adjust this if i need to since i’m really not sure what i am burning nursing… this is one i will adjust as i need to but i need to have a number to try until i know what i need)
5. LOG DAILY… i have found that the second i stop writing what i’m eating (the last two weeks) i have trouble getting back on track and recovering from slips.  by logging daily my diet and my feelings of setbacks or accomplishments, i keep my focus where it needs to be and get back on track if i do slip up more quickly.
6.  weekend cheats are planned (a meal not a day… for example a nice dinner with my hubby, an ice cream desert and some wine but not a whole free for all day.)  and since they are planned they are not "cheats" they are planned days that i know will not take me closer to my physical goal, but will teach me moderation.  (this idea comes from dr. phills diet book… to have a treat twice a week so that you learn to not overeat!!!)  (this applies to special occasions too such as my birthday)
7.  SLOW DOWN… i have found that EVERYTIME i overeat i do it hurridly.  i am anxious and don’t want to think of what i’m eating (this is a typical binge eater behavior and one i am very very guilty of.) if i am going to eat something (and espeically if it’s not a 100 percent clean choice) then I WILL SIT DOWN AND FOCUS ON WHAT I’M DOING AND NOT RUSH THROUGH IT.  i am okay with distractions like tv… but if i am hurrying through, you can bet your butt my head is not on right.
8.  plan in advance.  when i was in high school my dad told me to decide what i’d do in the back seat of a guys car before i got there because the decision on the moment will rarely be the right one.  i will plan for challenging days.  (ie days with traveling or lack of sleep, social gatherings, and emotional days… days that could normally derail me) and devise a plan to make it the best that i can.  (even if that means ONE SERVING of dark chocolate!… it’s better than the whole bag of it!!!)  better bad choices are a great thing.  (lee labrada!!!)
9.  weekly pics and measurements.  i know i said my body is not my main goal and it’s not, but it is a helpful motivator and part of it.  i do want to be tight and fit.  i do.  and it is at least a mild indicator of how honest i’m being and can be a great way to find out if what you thought you needed to do is really what’s best (for example if my 2000 calories is about right or if i need more or less than that)  it’s a good way to keep an eye on things.
10.  read my responce cards (from the beck diet solution again)  TWICE A DAY… first thing and last thing.  even when i don’t feel i need to.  remembering that this is not about my weight (because the second the scale hits what i want i stop caring) but about how i feel and my ability to follow my daily goals is going to be paramount so i need to keep it forefront in my mind.

so that’s my (sorry way too long) plan and story for now.  i’ll keep posting.  i know this sounds silly, but if you are reading this and you are a prayer… please put in a word for me.  i’m very tired from this struggle.  i need this.  i can’t do it alone… so i know that God is not concerned about how fat i am or am not, but i also know that He is concerned with how i feel about myself and weather or not i am taking care of this body he gave me and setting a good example for my son, friends, family, and others who fight this struggle.  it’s hard work… but i quit smoking, i quit drinking (well except for for fun once in a while hehe) and i overcame anorexia… i can surely get this done too…. with His help anyway….

going to post wedding pics!

This entry was posted on Thursday, July 9th, 2009 at 3:22 pm and is filed under Other. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.