tewie-building

so i’ve been really really great with my diet/workout for 4 weeks now and i’ve got four left.  i went to my dress fitting on thursday and it was right on the line weather or not it needed taken in and i pretty much felt i’d be happy where i am, so as long as i don’t back track i am good to go.  i get to do another fitting in two weeks to see if i lose more. (four pounds would be the difference between it needing adjusted… four up and it’d be too tight, four down too loose!)  i was actually suprised though when i put it on and saw how much more shape my muscles do have than they ever had before.  i guess just because i’ve kept my calories higher (to make sure i’m still able to breast feed) but since they’ve been clean other than a little dark chocolate here and there… it seems that eating clean and higher calories does give me better results but takes me longer than just cutting calories super low but eating crappy foods. (i could easily live off of 1200 calories of smarties and chocolate!!! ha) but on 1800-2000 good solid healthy food choices i feel and look better but the results seem to be slower.  worth ti though.  it was strange when i put the dress on and looked in the mirror and had to say to my mom, "wow i look better than i thought i did!" what a cool feeling.    i mean don’t get me wrong, i know i still have work to do and i’m not where i ultimately want to be for me, or even for the wedding, but i’m making progress and seeing my work pay off however slowly.   that’s good enough for me until i do get there!

so i had planned that since i had been pretty good for 4 weeks (a few small cheats on saturdays but not like i used to cheat) that 4 weeks down and4 to go i’d have an all out cheat day like i used to do…. and lemme tell you something… i think i’ve reached a point in my life where i don’t need that anymore.  i’m not about to admit to how much i ate… but the part i do want to share is that in the past after a cheat day i’d struggle to get back on track because 1. i’d be kicking myself and in the depression want to eat more!; 2.  my sugar got wacky and now i neeeded more like a hangover when you drink booze to feel better!; 3. i’d get a taste for eating like that again and 4. it was nice to feel like i coudl be free and eat whatever i wanted and not care for a day.  but yesterday it didn’t feel like old times.  i’m not kicking myself because i’d planned it so it’s not like i screwed up, but i am thinking it wasn’t worth it.  i did get a sugar hangover but instead of feeling i needed some i felt i was forcing myself to eat after my cardio this morning (just some eggs and broccoli) and getting that taste for eating like that and not caring… it didn’t make me feel good… it didn’t give me that old "pressure release valve" feeling… it felt crappy, bloated, uncomfortable, (hell still today on those things!) and instead of feeling like a well deserved cheat day it felt like a waste of a day.  it wasn’t fun to not care! in fact, it ruined my favorite time of the whole day.  i LOVE bathtime.  bathtime at my house is the highlight of brayden’s day.  he loves it.  he smiles and looks around so brightly and he laughs at me and i get to really interact with him just he and i.  afterwards i feed him and then he usually falls asleep with me in the rocker and i put him to bed.  8-9 my heart is so swollen with my love for him that i almost want to cry when i finally lay him down at 9.  but yesterday, my stomach was all swollen and i was so uncomfrotable from the crap i ate that i just wanted to get it over with so i didn’t have to be leaning over the tub and his weight against me.  i sweat a lot when i eat bad too i guess since i’m not used to it and i don’t like to be touched then.  so even though i loved holding him to bed, it wasn’t the cozy feeling i usually have.  i can’t believe how just eating poorly for one day completely took from the best experience of my days.  talk about motivation to not do that again!  and a lot of times the day after i cheat really badly like that i think how i can’t wait till the next planned day to get that pressure off and eat some crap that i missed again… this time… i don’t feel that way at all.  i can see the need for a cheat meal.  my mom makes gluten free lasagna that is to die for and the calories would NEVER fit into my day i’m sure for even a small peice.  that, for example would be a cheat meal from now on.  maybe some day i’ll se it as worth it to go get some ice cream out of my caloric budget, but really usually a protien shake is just as satisfying but since i make it i control the calories and i get more for less, and obviously forgo a lot of fat, sugar and carbs… i’d just as soon have a frozen banana dipped in whey protien powder mixed with water and pb2 (it’s like a chocolate peanut butter covered frozen banana) and it’s much more satisfying.  i havce ice cream and i think i need more to be satisfied, but i never actually feel satisfied then.  with my protien shake or frozen banana concoction… i feel better about my choice and it’s actually much more satisfying.  and so anyway the moral and point of all this is to say that cheating wasn’t fun.  it was way more fun to feel fit, disciplined, strong, and even maybe on the way to sexy.  it was much more fun to have teh challenge to eat right than blowing it.  and most of all it was much more fun to feel good at the end of the day and enjoy my baby’s bedtime routine than to feel like i couldn’t wait to just crash on the couch with my swollen belly and heartburn!

… could it be that i have officially outgrown a cheat day????…  again, i see the need for a treats and occasionally there are times in life where we need to eat something that was not ideal…  but after theway i felt last night i think that i may rather feel hungry than uncomfortably full.  i remember reading in beck diet solution about learning to be okay with hungry… that it’s not that bad if you put it on a line graph of other painful things such as a splinter to a toothache to being shot or whatever… really hungry is not so bad… well it’s actually good compared to overstuffed!  so even though i still feel crappy today from my dietary indiscretions, i feel really good about the future of my ability to maybe get a little more balance with this whole diet stuff.  i think that i could probably have just one now!  and i think i am missing more by cheating than i am missing by sticking to eating what i should!

i’m so greatful that this came to me while my baby is young enough for me to be able to teach him to be healthy.  hey maybe i’m wrong and i will struggle again sometime… i’m sure that i will have flashbacks and miss eating crap all day once in a while… like smoking i sometimes have flashbacks and want a ciggerette… but it gets easier and i now appreciate how i don’t get sick and can breath better… and i don’t go back to it.  and i think that i may actually FINALLY be there with food.  years of prayers and work… i may finally have my balance i so wanted.   … now to keep it… can that be done as well!!!?!!

anyone who’s never struggled with binge eating and extreme black and white dieting may not understand anything i’ve just written.  i personally have struggled with this since i was anorexic ten years ago.  i’ve spent the last five trying to find balance.  anyone who has also had this struggle… keep trying.  i actually think it can be done now.  i see hope for possibly the first time in ten years.  and hope is a long missed friend.

supposedly breast feeding burns an addition 500 calories per day.  that said, you lose the baby weight quicker by breast feeding.  i’m only holding about 3-5 pounds that i am not going to give up on, but i have a concern with calories:  if breast feeding burns an extra 500 and i adjust my calories to accomadate for that (i’ve been eating approx 2000…. 1800-2200 back and forth)  and i lose the last bit of weight, and then breast feeding time ends… will i gain weight from the loss of that extra expenditure?  what was your personal experience in this area?  will i have to drop my calories then?  (i can’t imagine eating less on the hours i keep! but maybe then i’ll get more sleep so i t will be more realistic to live on less calories than now?) looking for your experiences as a clue to what lies ahead for me!

i remember a few times in my life walking away from relationships because, "if i waste this time with this guy who’s not making me happy, that’s time i could have been spending with one who WOULD make me happy… why would anyone spend time being unhappy that could be not only happy but aimed at a future of more happy!"

… that’s what dieting had in common with dating.  i was driving down the road thinking about some hershey kisses (haha) and i thought, "yes but each time i blow my diet, that is another day taking another step in the wrong direction… like staying in a bad relationship.  i never thought that made sence, and such it is with a diet!  it doesn’t make sence to eat badly and be another day away from your goal for a few minutes of creamy bliss!!"

i glanced over my pictures this morning.  saturday will be two weeks worth, but they are hard to see in the camera.  i’ll get them printed out early next week so i can see them and get them on here.  it didn’t look like that much change, but maybe a little.   i do think it’ll show more when i can see them better though.  i am definately feeling much better already.

… dress fitting in 2 weeks. then three weeks to the wedding! i’ll be glad when it’s over even though i’m REALLY looking forward to it! if that makes sence…

have you ever done the ab roller? i don’t mean the infomercial shit that has the band for resistance that helps you up.  i mean the one that you buy at walmart or target for ten bucks and it’s all you from there.  i still remember the very first time i did it back in high school and laid around crying for days afterwards i was so sore!  well my silly ass hasn’t done that thing since i found out i was pregnant… so in two weeks it will have been a year and i busted out three sets of those puppies last night… and today… i’m starting to feel the wrath of the roller!  whewy!!! (but don’t we all sorta get a kick out of that soreness… love it!)

i also lost a lot of strength while i was preggers… i kept pushing through my workouts but noticed i couldn’t do anymore pushups and my leg weights HAD to drop or i was just not being safe.  i got my squat back up to a plate on each side of the bar today… man i was doing 35 on each side while i was preggers and that ten pds… well 20 is a big difference but i did it!  pushups are comming back too but i was more concerned about legs.  the worst is my hamstring curls though… i used to do 70-80 pounds on that but since i couldn’t do them at all while iw as pregnant (laying on belly and all) i had to switch to seated which i don’t think hits them NEAR as well… now i can barely do 50 pounds on it!!! ugh!  i’ve decided that pregnancy is basically a year.  sure it is only 9 (arguably 10) months of "pregnant" but then the next three months you may as well still be only with less sleep! my workouts are feeling better all the time though.

as for diet, i have been doing better… knowing i’m taking a picture in the morning is a motivator for sure, but not fool proof.  there was a small chocolate incident this weekend, however it was not nearly as big as it would have been before… it’s just hard to figure out how much i should be eating breast feeding… i feel like anytime i drop below 2200 i’m so tired that it can’t be right.  i guess with my activity level that’s not crazy but i don’t want to maintain… i need to drop about 5 more pounds.  i know that sounds like nothing but when you want to lose five pounds then that’s five pounds you are working on!  it’s not the number, i just want my clothes back!!!!! (and i’m figuring in about five pounds i can have them)

my motivational thought for this week: each day that i step back is two days wasted. (one that i failed and the following day of recovery!)  i don’t need to waste that kind of time!!!

tomorrow i will begin my flip book!  i’m excited!!! i really think this will be a fun way to recommitt to my good habits.

flip book:  my flip book will be a compilations of a picture taken everyday for 8 weeks leading up to my wedding (then i’ll obviously take that day off hehe) and then continue onto 100 days.  i am not original…. i stole this idea from a video on shanbl’s page that i thought was super neat… 84 days in 48 seconds of weight loss where a man did this for twelve weeks.  what an awesome way to recommitt everyday right!  plus it’ll be neat at the end.  another benefit.. if i were to slip on my diet, i think i’d be less likely to all out blow it (i tend to be so black and white with that sort of thing) and get back on track asap instead of the next day because i don’t want to be bloated for my morning picture.  also at night when i get the munchies i’ll just remember no way i got that pic in the morning!  i will take the picture of just my front from my neck to my knees daily, and on a weekly basis go for the side and back view as well.
short term goal with this: feel good for the wedding dress and regain my good habits.
medium term goal with this: reach 100 days for a neato flip book to show how one day at a time really gets you there!
long term goal with this:  balance, recover more gracefully from slip ups, regain self respect, get a hot bod!… haha… the usual

i’ll post the pics but not until i have enough to show a progression… i’m thinking two weeks would be enough to at least show the start.  then maybe every two weeks add to it.

wish me luck!