tewie-building

so that is definitely enough time to get to feeling hot again.   (that’s the bright side)  the not so bright side was looking at the pictures my mother took of me today.  i got better since my post prego pics and have since gone downhill!  that damn peanut butter and ice cream!  so i generally keep peanut butter on my meal plan as a way to keep some good fats in there, but i am going to cut it out totally for the next two weeks just to regain a sence of discipline and then see if i can add it back in reasonably.  i find that sometimes i get a taste for something and get carried away… if i can cut it out for a couple weeks i’ll loose the "taste" for it.  this is ESPECIALLY true of chocolate but i’m not even hung up on that these days.  (which is the only blessing on my diet right now!!!) i’m glad to have seen those pics to get a realistic grasp of where i am and also because i love to think, "the further gone you are, the less it will take to show improvement!" ha… and if nothing else that motivates me to keep going.

last night i was talking about how today is free rita’s itallian ice day and how i’d start operation wedding right after i had my free sugar fix when it occured to me that i have a tendancy (as i’m sure many people do)  to "start after…" but then i remembered that saturday i have a birthday party to go to.  should i start after that?  sunday would be family dinner, should i then wait till monday?… the point is there is never a good day to START a diet or whatever… you just make a decision to be healthier now and keep going.  and that is the only way i myself or anyone else will ever be truley successful.  so no more start dates.  not starting today… just not at all… i’m going to simply accept that it’s not always fun to diet and get my ass back on the horse.    no more thinking how so and so told me how good i looked this morning at the gym so i can afford to eat "this or that".  no more, oh i’ll just have this one last thing and then i’ll start to worry about it… no more oh after this or that event…. the fact is that the second i do eat "this or that" it becomes that much harder to resist those temptations in the future.  i know this all to well… i just forget sometimes i guess?  the more you reject the behaviors you don’t want and respond to those you do, the easier it becomes. the more you cave to temptation, the more temptation will continue to run and winout.  i just need to write that downa nd keep it in my face for a while till my newly foudn bad habits subside.  hey i’ve been healthier a lot longer than i’ve been eating crap… but with pregnancy excuses behind me… and a wedding ahead of me… i need to rebalance and refocus on these things that matter to me.

how’s that for a publicly shared self motivation speach.

it’s pretty nice weather here today which takes my energy up to strange levels and i am on a high.  i took brayden to the mall to get a suit for the wedding today and put girl hats on him and sent pictures to his daddy saying, "if brady were a girl" haha… that lifted my spirits too haha…. (no i didn’t want a girl… i didn’t care… i just think it’s fun to cross dress them while they are defenseless to do anything about it! haha)

then i got a phone call from a neighbor… the one who gave us the secret santa gift card for babiesrus around christmas… we’ve gotten to know each other since then and i really really like her, and she called to say her work schedule was changing in a way that she can workout with me a  few days a week!  i’m not normally into people working out with me because i tend to feel like they slow me down because i do very short rest periods, but i think this girl can keep up once i get her caught up.  (she’s not in bad shape just not used to working out yet) but i think she and i will click well in the gym too!  my husband won’t let me go to the school to run bleachers by  myself in the early mornings for safety purposes but said it’s cool if she goes too, so i’m excited… small suprise that made my day.  i’m always looking for a yoga partner and my sister whines too much, so i’m excited that she can do that with me once a week too!    anyway, i know i sound like a little kid right now but i am really excited that i met someoen i can click with and that will even workout some too.

ugh i can’t focus today, but in a good way!

i have been weighing myself daily for a few years now.  it’s a little bit of an obsession, i admit.  which is weird cause i really don’t care about the number.  i mean i look the same to you if i say i weigh 180 pounds as if i say i weigh 80 so why do i care what the number is.  what i’ve always seen the number as is a guide.  if there’s a trend up… i figure i should re-evaluate what i’m doing.  if i’m trending down.. i should probably add a few calories… etc etc.  (well assuming i’m not trying to lose anymore)  but here’s the dilema:  by weighing myself dialy i have noticed that i tend to have mind games with that stupid number.  right now i need to lose a little weight yet from having brayden.  i’d guess about 6 pounds but no more than ten.  (i’m 130 now, i was 124 when i got preggers… not that i need to weigh that again… i think i have more muscle now and really just need to finish tightening my abs back up… but my clothes don’t fit right yet… and i have a very large wardrobe that i can not afford to replace so i really do need to lose it.  anyway… i have this stupid mind game problem going on with the scale.  if i step on it and it seems to be going down i have a tendancy to feel arrogant about my ability to lose weight and then take on the "so who cares if i’m fat, i know how to lose weight" attitude which is ABSOLUTELY SABATOGING TO ME.   i proceed to my two favorite downfalls (if you’ve ever read a blog of mine you know they are pbutter and ice cream… not neccessarily together… often both alone out of the jar/pt with nothing but a spoon!)  if the scale is trending up… i will feel a little more self concious, get a great workout, and eat perfect for a day or two… then i see the scale start to slip down (not too low but just enough to see that my old routine still does work and i will lose weight)  and that circles me back around to the so who cares i still know how to lose it attitude and it’s a big vicious circle.  heaven forbid i ate right for a few days and nothing happened… i might be forced to learn to stick to it for more than a few days at a time!  in the big picture i don’t gain weight because i gain a few lose a few gain a few lose a few so i stay within a ten pound range… but i also feel my confidence slip when i blow it because i think i can still get away with it… and i am not getting any closer to my end goals.

all this said, i’m considering skipping the scale for a week at a time and only weighing on saturdays.  my fear is that i will either have a bad water weight day and freak out when i didn’t really gain or something.. or think i’m better off than i am and screw up the diet more often.  then again.. would i be more likely to recover more quickly not knowing what damage has or has not been done? … … …

does anyone else out there have this mind game going on and what do you find works best for you??

i feel like i’m the most disciplined person i have ever met once i get on my pony but i’m having some trouble with my saddle right now!  what’s my problem!!?!!  lack of sleep? (surely that’s a major player here…)  but i can’t really change that.  brayden controls that totally.  so what can i do!!?!!  all i can think is that i’ve got to just decide okay it’s uncomfortable and not fun to be hungry, but i’m not starving, it’s not an emergency and all will be fine if i don’t get a half jar of peanut butter. i’m starting to think jeremy won’t be able to afford to feed me if i keep this up!  i’ll have to go back to work to buy my peanut butter and ice cream!  corse if i was at work and not at home perhaps i wouldn’t be eating peanut butter and ice cream all day.  but when i worked i ate worse stuff than that. (it was just around)  fortunately i don’t normally keep ice cream in the house so that is an easy one to stop… the peanut butter i guess i may have to remove from my meal plan till i regain some sence of control with it.  maybe make it a weekend only food.  i eat the natural good stuff, but still too much is too much.  i just love that creamy texture!  it’s my weakness no doubt.  anything creamy and melty.  too bad NOTHING good for you is creamy or melty, and so i’ve gotta revamp my taste buds.  (ya know how after you eat clean for a while, the crap tastes not as good anymore and the cravings for it die down)

in the mean time, i guess i’ll get the peanut butter out of the house for a couple weeks and see if i can bring it back when i’m not addicted.

what’s funny is… this was the same thing i complained aobut right before i found out i was preggers hahaha… at least  I KNOW that i’m not this time haha….

i am starting to cry as i’m sitting here writting this.  i am laid back in the chair at the computer with the most amazing little creature cuddled up and fast asleep on my chest.  i swear i live for this feeling these days.  i wish i could get a picture right now to show you what i mean… i’m looking down at his perfect little nose and he looks so peaceful.  wow. i wish i could save this time in a bottle for him to get this relaxation back when he gets older and the world is crazy.  and a bottle of it for me too… what i’d give for a pause button on life. 

nights have been rough lately.  people talk about this but i guess you just have to really experience it for yourself because you really do lose that much sleep when you have a baby.  this week it caught up to me though.  yesterday i did my hour of cardio between a couple of crying fits (took me three incriments of twenty minutes at a time and then i’d have to settle brayden back down for another round)  but other than that i pretty much did nothing but sleep all day and it was SO worth it.  i feel much more refreshed.  i really see the effects of sleep loss on my diet after this long too.  now that i’ve caught myself up a little, my new goal and task will be to STAY caught up.  i need to take naps with brady instead of freak out over the laundry and dishes and house cleaning… but it is hard since i’m the only one doing that stuff.

the wedding is fifteen weeks from this saturday.  i need to focus on sleep and water right now.  my diet will fall into place when i regain my control of those things.   this week i’ve been a bottomless pit.  holy ice cream and peanut butter is all i can say.

REGROUP REFOCUS.   i managed three weeks pretty much perfect and then this week it all fell apart!  argh!!!!