tewie-building

i spend a lot of time feeling so out of control lately… i keep telling myself to hang in there.  i’m due tomorrow, and they’ll induce next week if they have to so there is a light at the end of this fat tunnel… but i am really trying to focus on the only thing i’ve maintained some sence of normalcy (well some at least) and discipline and that’s my workouts.  so my family keeps on texting me and asking me to get them out of work the next day (in other words, have a baby so they can leave and come see me in the hospital haha) i have been less than patient about this whole being prego thing, so i usually just get frustrated and say, "please… as bad as you want me to have this baby, my feelings are tenfold at least!"  so on thursday my dad had to go back to work (he gets many days off and then works for several days straight and back and forth so we’ve been spending a lot of time together…)  on his way out of town he texted me saying, "can i turn around now!!?!!"  i wrote back and said, "dream on, i just left the gym… the guys were having quiet a hard time accepting that i am days away from my due date!  hehe… i think i was working harder than they were!"  my dad’s response:  "that’s my girl!"

this may sound silly… i’m twenty five years old, married and starting my own family, but seeing that my father was proud enough of my discipline and work to say "that’s my girl!"  i don’t think i’ve ever held my head so high! 

… do we ever outgrow the feeling that comes from a daddy’s pride?

i hope i never forget that moment. 

it is hard enough to find people who are familiar with les mills fitness classes, or even i’d settle for body training systems (the american version of the same thing)… but i LOVE love LOVE those classes.  i was NEVER a class girl, but i got really addicted to their bodypump for weight training, their bodystep (even after years of making fun of step classes and feeling like a retard in them i learned to love and even get good at theirs) bodyflow, their yoga is like a gift for me… like a treat, it’s so good… but here’s the thing.  since there is only one gym in my area that has those classes and they are off limits for me (having worked and dated there… long story short it’s just best that i don’t go there anymore)  i have the certification in flow and step that i could purchase the dvds and continue to do the these classes at home but they run 50 bucks a dvd which is just insaine.  i was wondering if ANYBODY OUT THERE was familiar with their classes and knows of anything similar for sale at a reasonable price to do at home.  i’m normally an eliptical girl, but with brayden due in the next week i’m trying to think forward to other things i can do at home to beat boredom, in case the peice of shit eliptical i have breaks, or if it’s just too noisy to do while brayden sleeps. (it clanks pretty bad in forward mode)  i did buy turbo jam and haven’t gotten to try it yet (didn’t want to start something new so far into being prego so i’ve stuck to the eliptical and steppers for the past nine months)  but i’d really really love to find a high energy dvd with great music like the bts and les mills classes had.  i also normally hate yoga but the version they run with the mixture of yoga, pilates and tai chi with modern music… i can’t even express how good i feel after doing the bodyflow.  anyway, i know it’s a long shot but if anyone can recommend dvds to do at home that might be half as cool as those classes were, i’d be forever greatful!

i was having a rough time today.  docs appointments always get me down.  when there’s nothing new and exciting like, "oh your water broke."  or "oh you’ll be in labor by the end of the week"  i get a little anxious and disappointed… so for the past few weeks, doc days bring me down.  today she agreed to check if i was dilating at all:  only one cm.  she said that if i’m dilated another cm by next week she’ll stretch my membranes and see if we can’t get things rolling.  i’m so anxious to have my body back… to be able to jump without thinking about it; to be able to lay on my stomach;  bend over and touch my toes without feeling like i just crunched the kid in half; do a plyometric workout!!!!;  and oh my goodness to diet again.  i just can’t wait.  i told my husband that i’ll probably still be all bloated and fat looking at first but i’ll feel so much smaller without all this pressure on my waiste that i’ll be walking around all slutty like i’m hot or something feeling sexy, haha.    hey maybe that’ll fuel the motivation i’ll need to lose the weight in time for THE DRESS.  which by the way i think i found THE DRESS.  if you are a chick and into that sort of thing it’s davidsbridal.com dress L9486.  who knows if i’ll like it on, but it’s exactly what i’ve imagined.

back to my story… after nightly prayers for a water breaking, or a delivery, or contractions, or something involving the comming home of baby brayden, i am now reduced to praying for patience and accepting that it’s God’s timeline, not mine.  i was complaining to my pop about this today and saying how i didn’t understand why God couldn’t make whatever the reason he was making me wait happen sooner so the babe can come sooner!  then dad brought up an interesting perspective:  the other day when i was at the gym a woman grabbed my arm and told me that i really inspired her.  i thanked her, but as i walked away i felt my eyes fill up a little…. wow… i mean… to be an inspiration to someone is HUGE.  i immediately thought of some of the women (mostly on here!!) who have inspired me and how i feel when i think of them… how it makes me feel empowered, hopeful, and just all around motivated and able to accomplish things that seem too far out of reach without them to look to.  to hear that you do that for someone else is… so touching!  that woman will never know how she lifted my spirits saturday.  my dad reminded me of this and said, "if you’d had your baby a week ago, that woman wouldn’t have seen you.  she’d be sitting on that leg press feeling helpless and as though her goals are unreachable.  she got to see you and it gave her the boost she needed to get through another workout."  wow.  if i did give just that one woman a little boost… then God, just give me patience to accept that i have to wait a little longer…. and as long as i am able to continue to keep moving… i’ll keep pressing. on the flip side, what that woman did for me… it’s neat to be able to motivate someone even when you are in the worst shape of your life… for someone to notice simply the work you are doing rather than the covetted results… at this stage of the game for me… that was way more than "oh you look good" could have ever done for me. so the new prayer is simply please give me patience and thank you for another day on my feet.   i can’t even begin to be frustrated that it’s His timeline and not mine… when He’s been so caring as to give me such an easy pregnancy that at 39 weeks i could still be doing an hour of cardio and a half hour of weights pretty much everyday…. i don’t know anyone who’s been able to do that.  (i’m sure there are others out there, but i dont’ know them)  so it feels really good to have been able to keep on keeping on like this.  it regains the self respect i’ve lost over how poor my diet has been.  (it’s just a mind game being pregnant.  oh i can eat that cause i’m prego. like i don’t know better…)

so for now… another week down… another week to go… two max if i have to be induced.  i will continue to pray for brayden to make his dayveiw on his own and without induction, but until then… i will work on my patience and continue in my ability to do what i most value… movement.

do you ever get the feeling that some people want you to be miserable?
there is a woman who asks jeremy how i’m doing everytime she sees him in the gym.  i told him that when i saw her i got the impression that she was dissapointed when she asked me how i was doing and i said great.  she kept saying, "just wait…. those last few weeks you’ll blow up and get huge and be miserable." at the time i thought, "now why would you want to discourage me like that… i’m reallly busting my butt here!"   now then… the fact is that in these past few weeks my weight gain has slowed down and i’m still moving better in my workouts than she is.  i’ve had to work really hard to be able to keep up with my workouts… and i appreciate that not working is probably the only reason i’ve had the energy to give it… but the point is… i feel like she’s pissed that i’m not as miserable as she was twenty years ago when she had her only kid! (i’ve also noticed that women who have had one kid think they know more about pregnancy than women who’ve had four!)  so now then she asks jeremy and he says, "oh she’s great… what a trooper!" and he admits he can see her deflate a little everytime.  why!!!!!  why would you WANT someone to be doing poorly… especially when it’s someoene you’ve chosen to "befriend"!!?!! am i missing something!!?!!  it’s to the point where jeremy and i try to make me sound like i’m doing even better than i am just say screw you for trying to bring me down!
last week i was working out and this woman came over to tell me to not workout so hard becasue she worked out like me and her son came in 45 minutes.  uhhh last i checked that would rock!  i’m thinking that short labors are much better experiences than long ones, so i was not quiet understanding why she was discouraging me!?!  then she tells me how i am ganna have to switch gyms since this one doesn’t have a day care.  i said, "well i have some stuff at home that i could hit everything at home once durring the week and if i can make it out here three days to get a heavier workout at least once for each body group durring the week, i’ll be good to go, so i figure i’ll just come in the mornings before my husband goes to work like i did when i was working."  then she says, "yeah but are you breast feeding?" i said yes but i’ll pump so that he can feed brayden if he needs to before i get home. then she tells me how, "yeah but you can’t do that for the first two weeks or you won’t get a good latch (which i have done my research and don’t plan to do any pumped bottle feeding for at least 4-6 weeks anyway)  so i said yes i  know that but that is fine… i won’t leave him for those first few weeks… i can do anything i need to do at home before my 6 week recovery is up.  then she quickly scolds me that you can’t workout for six weeks or your abs will heal in a deformed way and you’ll never be able to get that fixed.  well if that’s the case then why so worried that i’d be at the gym and my kid would have a bottle before then!!!?!!! ugh.  so i said i’m sure it’ll be fine.  the only thing i plan to do before my six (or eight if i end up with the dreaded c section) weeks is up would be cardio and easing back into yoga.  i’ll save the weights for six weeks.  anyway it was another slap in the face…  it was like nothing but what i can’t do!

i can’t count how many women say, "just wait till he’s out and you wish you could put him back."  i’m not saying i’ll never be frustrated at a screaming kid, or never have a bad day… i expect that’s part of life weather you have a kid or not… but i do think that when my baby is crying and i am frustrated, i hope to be the type of person who can think, "yes but i have a baby to hold."  and i don’t want to look back in four or five years and be sad that i wished those times away because even if there is a lot of tears and a lack of sleep… a baby is only a baby for a short time.  i really pray that i have the grace to appreciate and love every stage that my kid (or kids!!?!!) are ever in.  it’s all so precious and i don’t want to look back sadly that i didn’t appreciate it while it was there.  it breaks my heart to hear all these women talk about it like it’s such a negative experience.  it’s like they say it’s the greatest thing in the world, but then all they want to do is highlight the hard parts to upcomming moms.  i also really hope that when i am older and i meet a young new mom to be that i remember this and that i can give her postive encouragment.  i really want to cry when i walk away from most people. and i think the part that tears me up the most is that i think these women did/do love their kids and actually really do have positive feelings… it just seems like everyone wants to bring others down.   why!!?!!

to all the negative comments about how i’ll never get my body back, i like to bring up pictures of amysuds and tell people to kiss my ass…!!! clearl, she demonstrates that you can not only get your body back, but you can get even better!!!  just cause that person didn’t have the drive to do it doesn’t mean it can’t be done. to all the negative comments about lost sleep:  oh well… my new job is mother and that’s part of it.  all jobs have their down points.  i’ll make due like every other new mother learned to.  i’ll get naps… and i’m sure i’ll be fine like every other new mother learned to be.  to the negative comments about needing to get away… i’m sure i will need that some days.  i’m very fortunate to have a great relationship with my family and i am certain that when i hit those days, i’ll be blessed to be able to do so. to the negative comments about labor/delivery… now that’s just a low blow!!! don’t you think i’m scared enough!  why oh why oh why would you rub that in someone’s face!  that’s just mean!  and lastly, to all those who want to just highlight the hard parts… i’m very sorry that you have chosen to focus on these things.  i hope that you can also remember and appreciate the good parts.  and mostly… i hope that when i am older i can look back and say i loved every stage.  that i can tell a new expectant mommy… i’m excited for you… great and exciting times ahead.

thank you to all my bb.com friends, because everyone has been so encouraging and uplifting to me… i haven’t had such positive surroundings in my day to day life… it’s so nice to get on here and hear people who are upbeat and think it’s great that i’m still going so hard and that are excited for what i’m about to experience. it’s reasurring to know that there are people out there who did love and appreciate their babies/kids growing stages.  i hope to be like ya’all when i’m there.

okay three weeks to go and i am getting ANTSY.  why oh why oh why didn’t i chose septermber to have the "wedding"!!?!!  if i didin’t have that hanging over my head and my fat ass to resize by then i think i’d be okay, but i am stressing!!!  i have three weeks to go and i am already worried that i am going to be late (i realize this is a bit premature, but such is me the worrier!!!) 

i had my three weeks docs apt today and she didn’t even take my pants off!  (in other words i don’t know if i’m dialted at all yet)  he’s super high though, so that is probalby why she didn’t bother checking.  when he was butt breach he carried low, but now i have a tight little lower tummy and he’s up in my ribs and pressing on my stomach!  i jump up and down… (think of how you would pound a katchup bottle to get the katchup to move down! haha… yeah that’s my thoughts haha)  and then i watch tv and rub my nipples (and i’m not a boob girl… i’d just as soon never have them touched, seen or anything… i hate boobs. they are nice in theory but i hate them on me…) anyway, point is, i rub them anytime i watch tv.  i’ve rubbed my ankle raw (the pressure point for the uterous) and i am as active as i can possibly be.  i have sex and skip the foreplay becasue it’s not for pleasure at this point!  these are all the ways i’ve seen to induce labor. haha… i’m three weeks away from my due date but i just can’t wait any longer! 

since the nightly prayer for my water to break isn’t working, i suppose it’s time i just start to pray for patience for myself instead? through all this being pregnant stuff i’ve learned ONE very valuable lesson… all mothers are patient people… and this is why: you are forced to be patient the day you find out you are preggo.  it starts with waiting for a doc to see you.  they won’t see you before 12 weeks so there’s the firs twaiting.  then you WAIT for any test result that you take.  you wait for the week you can find out if it’s a boy or a girl.  then you wait for every four weeks to pass for your next apt which nothing exciting ever happens at.  then you wait for your hubby to friggin put the car seat in.  then you wait for the doc to start acting like you are getting close.  then you find that all that was just practice cause here’s the real whammy… you WAIT for that labor.  (and some women have to wait in labor… long labor mommas… )

i’m ganna go lay in bed and WAIT to finally fall asleep!

they got me and they got me good.  i was all set to be going to my husband’s boss’s 60th birthday party.  little did i know he’s already 61 and the party was for me and the baby! haha… i was busy yelling my head off at jeremy for why he was taking the roads he was taking to the party when he pulled into where it was… then i knew haha… i was SO set for it to be on sunday and they really did good to throw any suspicion that the birthday party was really my party… i had only suspected it once, but then i decided no way because there were just too many convincing points that i fell for!  my mother and hubby are GOOOD hehe…

4 more weeks!  brayden isn’t moving much this weekend/today so i’m a little edgy today, but i am trying to remember that’s how this has gone the whole time.  i just can’t wait till he’s out and i can see he’s okay.  i made it this far….

so right now i’m using this time to get a break from writting thank you notes for all teh great stuff i got.  i am absolutely overwhelmed right now when i look around my house as to where all of this is going to find a home.  i’m a neat freak… the type of girl that goes, "everything should have a place and everything should be in it’s place!"  (except maybe shoes i and coats i can leave somewhere wrong for a few days haha) but i mean overall i hate clutter, and i hate messes and i hate cramped stuffy feelings and this is a SMALL condo, so i am so overwhelmed that i just look around and want to cry.  the tough thing about babies clothing is that you get stuff in sizes 0-3 months and then 3-6 months and then 6-9 etc.. ectc.. etc… and it all has little matchy peices.  so i havenj’t done this before and hindsight is twenty twenty but i’m having a hell of a time getting it all seperated into the right size piles (plus some things look too small or big for their marked size so you have to adjust) and then make sure you hae all the matching peices together… it’s SO much to do and i just dont’ know where to go with anything.  i feel like i just got the christmas mess cleaned up and i got slammed again.  then i get mad at myself for feeling frustrated becasue i am so thankful for all that people blessed me with this weekend.  the only things i have left to buy (that are major expences) are my swing, high chair, walker, monitor and packnplay.  other than that there are some smaller stuff like some more bottles and the other size nipples, etc… but we have about three hundred and fifty in gift cards, so we shouldn’t have to spend more than maybe one or two hundred more.  then the true expences hit, right!!?!!

okay enough stalling… back to the thank you notes… i’m exhausted….