tewie-building

i normally resist the urge to make new years resolutions because i notice that nearly nobody makes it past the first month, much less the whole year.  i stopped making resolutions years ago and have found better success by just trying to start on a random day with any habit i want to change… not having a "start date" tends to help me see things as  a work in progress that i will continue to work on where a start date makes me feel i’ve failed if i mess up and fall from grace.  however… knowing that in about four and a half - five weeks i will have a new born baby, i want to take these last four weeks to get as serious as i can about being healthy and so a new years resolution almost makes sence at this time.  i have tried very hard to be as healthy as possible over the last nine months, through the hormones, through the stress and through the frustration of pregnancy… but knowing that there will be a baby watching my habits… i feel i can’t start too soon cleaning up my act.  i am VERY proud to say that my workouts have been more consistent than anyone i know even through the last nine months, and that after the first trimester my diet did improve, but still has a long way to go.  i don’t want to spend these next four or five weeks making the "i’m pregnant" excuse at all anymore.  i also recognize that after he does decide to come out and i am forced to take the longest break i will have ever had from the gym since i started working out over ten years ago… my diet will be more important than every before.  that said… i’m going to make a "new years resolution" though i’d rather term it my "life committment" to myself, my son, and any future children after brayden. i refuse to continue to sabotage myself mentally and physically by justifying the far fall from grace where my diet has been concerned.  it’s hard to clearly state my "goal"  because it has been my goal for so many years to eat clean… and that is basically still the goal… but i want to focus on losing the all or nothing attitude.  when a situation arises that i fall from grace and eat something less than perfect, planned or unplanned…. my goal is to immediately return to my healthy haibts and walk away with some pride and sence of accomplishment rather than allowing myself to get angry that i ate a peice of chocolate and turned it into a whole mess of a day… the circle of self defeat and sabotage.

next year at this time i will be able to say that i have a year old baby and that i am already on the way to setting a healthy, balanced, and disciplined example for him.  i appreciate all the support that bb.com can provide in this. 

that said, i wish everyone a happy and healthy new year.  may we all grow stronger in mind, body and soul.  happy new year everyone.

on christmas i was so stuffed with crappy food that i was walking around on all fours trying to breath (babies take up stomach room).  maybe it happened them.  on saturday night jeremy and i were grocery shopping when i was crippled over in pains (contractions?)  maybe it happened then?  you’d think i’d feel such a big movement, but i can’t say that i did!  all i know is that all of a sudden i could feel a pressure at my ribs where i’ve heard other women complain their kids pushed on them, but i had not felt until the last few days.  on monday i went into the docs and she was to check for his position and possibly schedule a c section.  well they sent me up to ultrasound to double check and suer enought… that little bugger flipped!  so i don’t know how to explain this, but part of me feels so greatful becasue i know that you can recover more quickly from natural births but the other part of me is so dissapointed that i’m back to having no idea when he’s comming, and the fear of labor! 

i also now know that he has definately NOT dropped.  i thought at one point that he had because i never felt pressure higher up and i did feel a lot lower… and he was just so low… now that he’s flipped though, he’s too high up and i can barely breath, eat, or sleep… well most things are uncomfortable now!  and i’m still measuring small… i can’t imagine how i’d feel if i were as big as most normal girls!!!!   geesh! 

so back to the waiting game.  five more weeks of twiddling my thumbs!  prayers would be appreciated because… well basically… i’m TERRIFIED right now!  it’s the strangest feeling to be so ready for it to all end, but at the same time so scared of how it ends and then actually having a child to care for…. WHEWWWWW…. DEEP BREATHS!!! 

please forgive me as i’m a bit emotional, and i guess that my hormones give me a good excuse for this… but i’m writting this with tears in my eyes… only… happy tears… thankful tears.

this morning i woke up feeling pretty good.  brayden was poking my sides and letting me know he was in there after a day of silence yesterday that had me a little unnerved.  i looked in the mirror and he was a ball up front giving me the "cute belly" today instead of the big spread out box he usually morphs my body into (hehe i’m serious… he really changes my shape that much from day to day!!)  i got up like a good girl and cleaned the house (dusted… bathrooms…etc….. i was raised that santa doesn’t come if you don’t clean first and it has followed me into adulthood!!! hehe) i had to get around to take some pictures out to my mom at work and wasn’t feeling like a total house so i was feeling good enough to go to the gym instead of workout at home today.  i am finally back to full good health so i knew i could workout there instead of at home without offending anyone with my running nose, i was feeling good till i got a couple of rude comments from fellow gym goers who didn’t hear things they said the way a poor fatty prego girl would hear it… and left feeling pretty defeated, fat, and dissapointed in my weight gain… but i didn’t get to loath myself for too long….

when i got home, there was a gift card to toys r us (and babies r us) in the wreath on our door.  i was obviously suprised and turned around to look around.  i brought it inside and it says, "to: soon to be mom and dad; from: (our neighbors names)" and at the bottom it says, "hint, black toyota"  i called my husband right away and said, "umm do you talk to them!!?!!"  the only conversation he’s ever had with this couple is telling them how much he loves their nice truck last summer… i’ve never ever spoken to them that i know of… and in these tight economical times… this couple was so nice as to give us a gift card to babies r us and i’m not talking 20 bucks either!  i just can’t get over how nice this is.  in our group bible study, my father is always stressing the importance of reaching out to our neighbors and people in our lives that we cross day to day… about going out of our way to try to lavish kindness on these people and see where we can help them, where they are struggling and we can even just pray for them….  yes it’s nice to worry about pakistan and peru, but what about the people right next ot us… we tend ot look right past them to "bigger things"… and we miss the biggest things in front of us.  this couple will probably never know how they have touched my heart on this holiday.  (of corse i will thank them… but how do you thank a couple you’ve never met from the bottom of your heart in a way that actually expresses your gratitude!!?!!)  i just… wow.  ya know?  wow… the more i think about this, the more it touches me and the more i feel my eyes and nose start to drip again!  for a world that can really bring you down… there’s those little rays that poke through sometimes, and… wow….

so to everyone out there who’s ever done something super kind for anyone… from all of the people like me who can’t seem to figure out how to express their appreciation… thank you.   i hope that i can touch someone’s heart this holiday they way they have touched mine.

last night jeremy and i did our Christmas gift exchangings…. and as sure as i was that he wouldn’t cave and allow me to have a bosu… guess what i got!!!!   so i had sort of thought about taking this week off of lifting till friday anyway  (because i’ve been sick and i was thinking my body can’t keep healing muscles and healing my whatever sick i have!!!)  but now how can i keep from working out today! hehe… so i figure i’ll do a light leg workout on it and have a little fun.   who was i kidding anyway… i haven’t taken more than three days off lifting since last christmas when i just got physically exhausted and knew i needed to take a little break.  this year is even worse since christmas comes six weeks before i’m due to have a baby…. but my workouts aren’t as intense either because of that….  so i of corse think i am super woman and don’t need a break ever.  also, ikeep thinking that as soon as he’s born, i’ll have to take a break anyway… so why would i take one now knowing that i will be forced so soon anyway!

so anyway, i’m JACKED about my new toy and off to go give it a go shortly here.  i haven’t used one of these in a couple years now!  (the gym i go to now does not have them, nor did the last gym, so i’ve been missing the bosu for a long time!) 

:) yay for great Christmas gifts! hehe….  i hope everyone has a great and healthy holiday!

over time i’ve done the whole "oatmeal pancakes" only i was lazy and just mixed some oats and some egg beaters, dash of salt, dash of cinnimon, packet of splenda… fork blend and cook.  it was fast, cheap, easy and did the deed of carbs+pro=meal.  add some peanut butter for fat or a little no sugar peaches or blue berries and i had my pancakes.  it was manageable and edible… not exceptionally tasty, but did the trick.  i had read a million times about decreasing the egg beaters and adding a touch of fat free cottage cheese and blending, but just never quiet got around to it.  today… was the day.  i added the fat free cottage cheese and used the bullet to blend instead of my fork.. HOLY COW.  they were fabulous!  fluffier, moist… just.. YUM!!!  if you haven’t yet tried this… i highly recommend it!

my exact recipe (don’t laugh, i use a scale and weigh food.. it’s more accurate and it uses less dishes since you can zero out the scale and add ingredients to the same dish.)
1/4 cup (55 grams) fat free cottage cheese (35 cals)
1/2 cup (120 grams) egg beaters (60 cals)
26 grams oatmeal (100 cals)
7 grams sf jelly (5 cals)
1 pckt stevia, 2 shakes cinimon, 1 dash salt
    …. blend in a bullet or food processor type blender and bake like pancakes
    …. top with fresh or frozen (no sugar added) blueberries, peaches or whatever and sf syrup. (add 50 cals)

… yum!!!

so i had my biweekly today.  i go again in two weeks and then it’s weekly!!!!  it’s like a whole new level of approaching mommiehood each time the docs appts increase in frequency, haha… anyway… i had had an ultrasound last week becasue of my belly measuring small and the baby is fine and actually a week ahead of schedule in size and such.  however… he’s still butt breach.  it’s not crazy to think he could still flip, but the doc and i discussed the options today for if he does not flip.  if he is still butt down in two weeks when i go back, we will schedule my c section for the end of january.  if he flips before then, i’m guessing she’ll allow him to come out naturally… however she indicated that babies can flip back and she is very pro c section.  i guess she was just very very pleased with her experience having a c section with her son three years ago.  i was sooo so so against c section (i’m all about the recovery time) but i know that i need to do what’s best for my baby and versions (the proceedure used to flip) can cause a large number of complications and have a lower success rate in first pregnancies.  after reading a good bit and getting used to the idea, i’m actually okay with the c section.  i mean it does have it’s benefits right… it has less pain… there is no "first bowel" "first sex" scaries… and it’s much quicker.  even though the recovery time is about two weeks longer, the surgery is performed a week before your due date anyway, so you wind up really only one week in the whole, and this doc is FAB about understanding that there won’t be any eight weeks rest for this girl.  i understand that for health i’ll have to take it easy at first, but there is no reason that someone who’s kept up my level of fitness at eight and a half months pregnant won’t be able to go back with more ease than someone who did not.  she has agreed to help me plan a more realistic return to working out since i’m not new to the scene.  i LOVE this doctor.  i’m so glad i switched.  (my previous doc tried to tell me i couldn’t lift more than fifteen pounds per hand for ANY exercises… HAHAHAHA)  even one of the docs in this practice seemed leary… but karen has been so supportive and even proud of my activity level.  she has calmed my husbands concerns consitently telling him that as long as i have no problems there’s no need for me to stop! 

 it’s getting scarier and more real all the time, but yet so unimaginable!  to think that my whole world is changing in about six or seven weeks… and i can’t even begin to plan for what my new life will be like… and to think of myself as a mom is still very weird.  i certainly didn’t plan this… and so it’s still crazy to adjust to, but i am very excited… tired, but excited!  (i’m guessing at this piont i’m never ganna sleep well again forever… ha!) 

clearly i’m not trying to lose weight for another seven weeks (gotta keep brayden growing for another month and a half yet…)  but after he’s born and i am allowed to take my body back, i’m hoping to regain my former self control and discipline.  funny i care more about my ability to do the right thing than i do about my actual body… but that’s a whole nother blog or story!  anyway.. since the bb.com theory is that we are all hear to help each other… i was hoping that if anyone reads this they could give me a little input…

for anyone out there who struggled with a sweet tooth and beat it…

do you find it easier to cut sugar cold turkey and really just "never" eat it (or at least only on very special occasions like christmas!)  or do you find it easier to allow yourself a small amount of something daily… or weekly or biweekly… or whatever else. 

 i realize that soon enough i will be forced to take some time off from working out and really want to have a good grip on my nutrition at that point.  i’m pretty well educated and am definatly in position to know how to eat right, but i am just wondering what the easiest way to cut the crap will be…. cold turkey… baby steps… or a sweet treat on a schedule!?! 

WOULD LOVE ANY input from those who’ve had success in this area! 

coat closet, check!
kitchen cabinets, check!
file cabinets, check!
bedroom closet, book shelf, night stand, and bathroom closets, check!!!!
… this is why i rock!!!!
 you know those areas of your home that slowly start to build up and hold crap that you jsut don’t need!!!  i have slowly but surely attacked each spot over the last week and a half and it’s DONE!!! (now… to catch up on the normal dusting and such!!)  i realize this is totally unrelated to anything fitness, but doesn’t it just feel good to have a nice new clean place!!!  my mother completely loads my husband and i up with new stuff at christmas and it becomes a true challenge to find a home for everything in our cozy little condo so to neglect this yearly cleanout would cause some serious post holiday stress.  with little guy on the way and due in less than eight weeks… it feels like a huge weight off of my shoulders to know this has been done and all i will have to worry about is the new stuff we will undoubtedly recieve.  i can’t wait till we move and i can show off all my nice stuff!!!  (heck i can’t wait till my husband does his part and i don’t have to worry about his crap that i can’t go through!!!) he and my mother are planning to paint the nursery and get the furniture set up this weekend while i’m out of the house (fumes) for the day doing hair (i’m licensed so sometimes i do it to get a little extra cash) … it’s going to be cool to see it all comming together and yet another step towards theh reality of this.  it’s strange to know that i will have a baby in less than two months and it still seems unreal!  shouldn’t it be sinking in before now!!?!!

with all that done and a workout still looming, i suppose this girl should take a nap!  (don’t you just LOVE naps!!!  i LOVE naps!!!) 

oh and i went for an ultrasound on monday this week becasue the doc said my belly measured small… how about the baby measured a few days ahead of schedule!  silly docs!  his due date was moved to january 31st.  he’s still butt breach, so i suppose it’s time to just start talking to the doc about what we will do if he does not flip.  i did a little bit of reading and i think a c section looks to be safer than the meathod they use to flip babies when women are in labor.  i’ve avidly fought the idea of a c section since day one knowing that the recovery time is worse on a c section, but i want what’s best for my baby, and i am pretty good at looking at the bright side…. i read about all the firsts after labor (for the sake of any men who accidently read this i’ll leave that to the imagination and you women who’ve had babies know what firsts i’m talking about!!!), and i guess i can just focus on not having to deal with those fears and pains if i do have a c section.  i just want to be back at the gym in full force as soon as possible. i want to feel like a million bucks on my very expensive day (june 27th), and i’ve definately done some damage through this whole prego thing.  my body is so foreign to me anymore, and am ready to take it back!! 

okay call me a selfish woman… but all i can say at this point is that i can’t wait to have my body back… i don’t mean like minus the 25 pounds i put on (though i’d be lying if i said i didn’t mean that too….) i mean moreso… i would like for it to be my own again.  i would like for it to not be someone elses home any longer!!! 

i feel like my whole life is on hold just waiting for him be here now.

that said… this was a rough week.  i had a docs appt monday and they could not get baby brayden to move.  his heart rate was there but apparently that’s not enough, so it was off to the hospital for non stress tests… the woman was pretty encouraging when she came in and said he was fine and happy in there though, so that helped calm some nerves… but by thursday night i was crying myself to sleep because i STILL hadn’t felt him even once.  it’s so hard to enjoy being pregnant when you have no feeling that there’s anything in there and all you see is everything growing in proportions you never imagined your body was capeable of doing!  after my misscarriage… it’s like i just can’t imagine any other outcome.  i think i could enjoy this whole thing if i felt him regularly… if i knew he was okay in there.  i vow that after he is born, when he cries and drives me nuts, i’m going to smile and look at him and say, "anything is better than being pregnant!"  i know a lot of  the women out there loved it and i think i could enjoy being pregnant a second time around… when i know i can do it… when i know i can make it to the end and have a healthy baby… when i have one and am not SO focused on the one in my belly…. and when i don’t have to worry about being in shape for my (over) 10000 dollar day four months after the due date!  to add to the stress, docs say he’s measuring small (though i think that stupid little measuring tape thing they do is a crock anyway…) i have an ultrasound scheduled for monday afternoon to make sure he’s developing properly.  i really think he’s fine though.  i think that my stomach just had some decent muscles and it’s holding tighter than the "average" woman.  i also think that how he lays from one day ot the next could make me measure differently.  i’m anxious to go see what he’s doing in there though.  it’s been eight weeks since i last saw him, ten since i saw him the first time, so i’m excited to see what position he’s in and how he’s changed.  he was butt breach, and now i try to picture how he’s moved to create the shapes he does in my belly sometimes… so fascinating! 

it’s so weird to know that your whole life will be TOTALLY changed in approximately eight weeks…  and to not really know the exact time… that it could be really anytime between now and ten weeks from now.  (they don’t let you go more than about tow weeks over your due date before they get the baby out).  it’s just so strange.  i never thought i’d be a mom.  i never thought i’d be married much less happily married and i just can’t picture this next part!  i’m excited… but it’s so… impossible to fathom to me right now.  does every woman feel this way when she’s at this point? 

he’s been moving the last two days a little more so i’m able to relax and enjoy that more.  he’s pressing out really firmly and it’s so crazy to try to watch and figure out what body part that was.  he presses something down and out like he’s trying to create a new whole in my belly to come out of.  my belly button randomly sinks way down in and then pops clear out, and it sort of reminds me of one of the alien movies i’ve seen over the years!  ha! 

i just can’t even imagine…