tewie-building

can anyone explain why those around me seem to want me to be a big fatty?  i take full responsibility in the fact that i’m gaining weight at a rate that is not exactly ideal with this whole being pregnant thing.  what can i say, it’s hard.  it’s very hard.  i lose my focus and feel like no matter what i do it’s all turning to shit at this point anyway and in my discouraged state i end up eating crap that i know better than to eat.  then i think okay damage control… can’t undo it so just get back to eating right immediately and i’m doing the best i can, but it’s hard.  it’s really really hard.  i’m having enough of a time dealing with that emotionally, to have everyone slamming it in my face…  i feel like my coworkers, my "friends", my family… everyone seems to be having a blast watching, "little ashley" get fat.  then they want to make me feel better, "but you were underweight before." yeah and i’d like to get back into the jeans i was wearing then when this is all over (i’m not the type that cares about weight and the number)  and it doesn’t matter, there’s still a guideline and i’m still ahead of it and why the hell do they want to make me feel better after they just rubbed it in my face that i’m gaining!!!  i don’t understand.  do you want me to feel like shit or do you want me to feel like it’s okay?  and why why why on earth would you ask a pregnant woman who you KNOW had a passion for fitness, "how are you doing with gaining weight."  IF I ****ING WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT WITH YOU, I’LL LET YOU KNOW… OTHERWISE LEAVE ME THE **** ALONE *******.  call it hormones, call it sensitivity, i don’t give a shit if it is just my hormones talking, i’d like to curl up in a corner of my house and not leave till this is ****ing over. 

i know i know i know that a lot of women walk around going, ‘i loved being pregnant!"  I’M NOT ONE OF THEM. it ****s with my head like nothing i’ve ever done.  i don’t think i’ve ever been so nervous all the time.  i’m nervous that something’s wrong, i’m nervous that nothing’s wrong… i’m nervous i’m gaining too much weight, but i get nervous if i drop a few pounds that i’m not eating enough and hurting the baby, so okay i’ll just eat another candy bar.  then i feel liek crap for doing that so give me another one… then i get a grip and i’m on it for two days, drop three or four pounds and worry that i’m starving the baby.. .it’s such a rollercoaster.  then i don’t feel anything for three days, i get worried, so i eat some sugar to try to get it to move… yeah i donj’t do well eating a LITTLE sugar, so i end up eating more… and this is jsut so impossible!  i just want this baby to come out and be a happy healthy baby and get me back on track to get my body back. 

i can be pretty relaxed and i’m the type that usually enjoys the moment and to be totaly honest, i probably really wouldn’t care if i didn’t feel like "friends" are rubbing it in my face and enjoying watching me lose all my muscle tone and wanting me to do poorly with this.  it’s like they are routing against me… and to be honest it hurts.  i know how to lose weight, and i could probably not worry about it, but with that on my back…. it’s harder.  then there’s the whole thing that i have to be able to get back into shape by june 27th, so this kid better be on time to early and there best not be an c section involved… i don’t have time for that.. i wil lhave some serious work to do. 

and one last point…. i am not so shallow as to worry that much about my body… what people NEVER seem to understanda bout me is that this is not about my body.  it’s never been about my body.  when i was anorexic it had nothing to do with my physical body, it had to do with punishment.  when i competed it had nothing to do with my body, it was a sport. now, it has nothing to do with my body… it’s like a weird object to me that i can manipulate and i think it’s neat to watch that stuff.. and see how you can effect things, but to me… this has always been more about discipline.  i get so angry at myself when i eat badly.  i’d beat myself up for days if i missed a single workout.  i’m five and a half months pregnant and have not missed a workout in probably three months.  i went on vacation and didn’t miss a day even the day we went and the day we came home.  it’s a discipline to me.  i’m pregnant, and weight gain is part of that… i get that… it’s fine… i’m fine with that… but man do i hate myself when i effing use that as an excuse to eat another peice, or whatever.  i just want to make healthy and right decisions and for once i’d like it if someone in my life… ANYONE gave a little support instead of looking at me and saying, "who cares you’re pregnant"  then turning around and busting my balls for how fat i am ten minutes later.  for crying out loud, my husband even rolls his eyes when i say no thanks, i really need to watch it becasue i’ve been way too lax with this.  HAVE SOME RESPECT AND FOR CRYING OUT LOUD SUPPORT ME A LITTLE!  THIS IS HARD! 

i want a meal plan.  i do SO well when i have a meal plan.  i’m so good with discipline when i have it writting to follow but when i’ve tried to make my own i think i go too low calories for my activity level, but then instead of adding a few healthy calories, i get a little too free.  i wish that sitting down with a nutritionist was paid for by health insurance for all women in prego to voice concerns and get their plans!

i just can’t wait till this is over.  i’m tired of feeling like this and the constant mind games.  i’m tired of everyone loving watching me eff it all up and blow all my hard work.  i’m tired of wussy ass workouts and watching my strength go down the gutter.  i’m tired of feeling so akward.  i’m just.. tired.

i hate the gym at 5:30 pm.  i love the gym, don’t get me wrong… i love it in the morning, the noon time, the night time, i love it at midnight!  but at 5:30 the gym becomes a bar without booze.  at precisely 5:30 pm, all men and women who see themselves as good looking (true or not) pile into the gym hoping to find someone else who finds them as attractive as they find themselves! (i know this because, well… i’m married because i thought he was as hot as he thought he was!!!) to make matters worse, the newbies all start workouts after work around this time.  now please don’t get me wrong, i love a newbie… they have so much to learn and they are some of the most motivated people… what is better than the way that you feel when you first see results! so you see i don’t hold anything against a newbie, and am almost jealous of their hope!… just that most of them won’t be there anymore in a month, and here they are, on the machine i desperately need… and then they look at you as though you are speaking some strange gymology language when you politely request to "work in" with them.  all newbies should be required to read working out for dummies before joining the gym.  it should be given away with new memberships!
… anyway… i hate it.  it’s busy. it’s hot.  it’s uncomfortable. i don’t like it….
but my newfound energy slumps (and need to eat) has forced me to limit my morning workouts to about an hour.  i’ve started splitting either my cardio in half or moving weights to after work… yes… i’ve become part of the "after work crowd".  i’m mildly ashamed.  but it is what it is.  my husband is a part of these 5:30ians and so i’ve attempted to see the bright side:  i’m keeping an eye on my goods while i get too fat to keep him turned on!   

so there i am, at the gym, in all my evening glory when an old friend came over and excitedly rubbed at my belly and loudly acknowledged my newfound knockers (hey there’s always a bright side… always!!!) we walked over to say hi to jeremy and that’s when the terror started, "OH WOW YOU LOOK GREAT, YOU LOST WEIGHT!" says jen… satan says, as far as i’m concerned.  i looked at jeremy with the "just slapped" face and made it perefctly clear that there would be no more weight loss while i was bound to this new body for nine months!  he laughed…. he laughed… i got even.

since that night, there has been pizza, there has been fried chicken, mashed potatos (with full fat milk, butter and gravy!!!) there has been cookies, brownies with peanut butter chips, cake, ice cream, bread… oh yes… i will win this battle! (i don’t eat most of that stuff anyway so i didn’t have to die with him… okay except for the ice cream…) hahahaha (evil laugh!!) oh no… he will NOT lose weight!!!!! HE WILL NOT!!!!

 still, last night, when i put my arm around him to go to sleep, i couldn’t help but think how nice it would be if the next kid could be on him and he could lose that perfect little waist of his! … until then… there will be mashed potatoes and gravy!