The Battle Continues…

My Hydroxycut arrived yesterday from BB, weeeee! In fact, I ended up with two bottles! I ordered the first lot from BB and then thought my payment hadn’t gone through (because it’s a British card and the site was being awkward) so I ordered some via ebay. They all arrived yesterday lol. Felt a bit jittery around half an hour after taking them (have to take them half an hour before meal, twice a day and so morning ones were on an empty stomach) but as soon as I had breakfast I was fine. I have to make sure I don’t drink coffee with them! This never used to be a problem but looks like they’ve increased the caffeine content in them. I heart cawfee. Oh well, I have decaff.

I’m finding it really hard to train at the moment due to things going on in my life and the lives of those close to me…but I still get to the gym every day without fail…it just feels sometimes like I’m going through the motions instead of getting a great workout. My younger cousin is in surgery again today and it’s looking like he may lose his leg (he’s 24). He went to his local hospital a year ago, complaining of pain and numbness in his foot and was basically told to go away and only come back if the pain got unbearable. Anyhoo, this year it became so, and living back in our hometown he went to a different hospital. The specialist told him that basically his arteries in his foot have turned to mush – where there should be a space for them between the muscles, there is none. So every time he moved about, weight trained or danced (he’s a dancer for a living) he was basically pounding the main artery into submission and there was no pulse, i.e. the blood flow was basically fooked. Docs told him his foot would have to be amputated or it would go gangrenous and this all happened in the past two weeks.

Yesterday they took him in for 8 hour surgery and grafted an artery from his thigh down the length of his leg and moved him to the ICU. He was awake last night and in a lot of pain – who wouldn’t be! – and everyone’s praying but this morning they took him back into surgery as he has a haemotoma (and there is still no pulse in the foot). Only by the grace of God will the operation work and sadly it will only be a temporary measure for a couple more years. But God is great and can work miracles. I hope this is one of those times.

So that’s on my mind a lot when I’m working out and I kinda feel vain putting so much effort in to look good when my cuz might have to get used to having a prosthesis.

And then there’s the ever-increasing FAT PERCENTAGE. I have been back at the gym for the past 7 weeks and eating really clean, paying attention to my macros yada yada and my % is higher than it ever was when I was a laissez faire girlie, just going about my regular daily routine, blessed with an athletic physique. The second I try to improve on what nature gave me (because nature was beginning to taketh away!) my body goes into a big fit and starts piling on the pounds of cellulite all over my butt and thighs). I can see definition under the blubber and my upper body is coming along a treat but this has me confounded, I tell ya. I’ve started adding ON Gold Standard whey and my Hydroxycut should arrive this coming week. I’m also thinking I need to be taking some creatine and BCAAs…oh and a glutamine supp would probably be a good idea…anyhoo, back on track – IT IS SO FOOKING ANNOYING to work my ass off at the gym and it only gets progressively worse. I cannot understand it at all. And the gym staff are no help at all – it’s a ‘family lifestyle centre ‘ (their words, not mine) and they don’t have enough knowledge about nutrition or training outside of regular maintenance to be able to help. All I can do is just plod along and hope for the best. But it’s annoying that the one thing that usually helps me take my mind off stuff - exercise - isn’t working, both physically and mentally, right now.

And then there’s fella, who’s just a pain in the ass and has so much baggage I think “Is it really worth continuing this ‘relationship’ any longer?” At the end of the day, he brought it all on himself and as I try to weigh it up, I don’t see the benefits of me dealing with all his shit. He made his choice in the past (and it wasn’t me) and got himself into a messy situation and I always have this niggling little thought in my mind – “Oh, you want me NOW!!!! If you had wanted me back then, none of this would have happened!” He got a psycho hose beast gf pregnant who is now using the baby and her other kids to multiple fathers) as (a) pawn(s) in order to mess him around and I don’t think he’s into me enough - though he says he is - for me to bother dealing with it all. I deserve more and would rather be single than be someone’s consolation prize. I am an Amazon! I am a Jewel!

Well, I got my period 3 days ago and gained 7lbs overnight. At first I thought "Oh well, I’m holding water" but my bodyfat monitors (which are usually pretty accurate) show that my water weight has only gone up 2lbs and my body fat percentage has gone up FOUR PERCENT.

How on earth has that happened? I eat clean, I regulate my caloric intake and record everything at Nutridiary. I’m on a 40-30-30 protein split and I work my ass off at the gym 4 times a week. On top of those lifting sessions I do twenty minutes cardio 3 times a week and 60 minutes cardio 2 times a week.

WHERE AM I GOING WRONG? Although I can see water retention all over, clearly the fat is somewhere and the only place I can think it is, is on my ass and thighs. How can someone hold the bulk of 25% FAT on one region and minimal elsewhere? How can I fix this when I don’t see what other changes I can make to my diet or workout? If I do any more cardio I think I’ll lose muscle and I can’t do any more lifting because I need recovery time. This past month I’ve worked so hard and clearly I suck.

HOW DID I GET TO BEING TWENTY-FIVE PERCENT???? Any more and I’m in the overweight range.
*sob*

Omg just had an argument with my mum and she stomped off home. Fookin’ biyatch! Every opportunity she has: "Oh, you don’t want to get too big", "training too heavy will ruin your knees", "when I was at the gym I did this, I did that", "have a slice of cake", "blah blah blah…"

My mother is FAT. She went to the gym for a year about 16 yrs ago and did no research, reading, paid no attention to her diet and only trained her back and biceps. Now her diet consists of cheese, chocolate and chips, no shit.

She forgets that not only have I been training on and off since I was 14 but I LOVE reading anything and everything about fitness and pay close attention to safe form, overall physique and positive gains from exercise. I said that perhaps if her knees hurt at the gym she may have been using incorrect form and she was like "well, I only did what the other guys told me." So cos some old dude at the gym does something one way means it’s right? Aside from the fact hip flexion differs in the sexes, the guys at the gym were just casual users and probably not that interested in what my mother was doing.

At the end of the day, people can’t live on "I USED to be, I USED to do" for the rest of their lives. And instead of just keeping her mouth shut, or stuffed with food, she needs to bitch about what I’m doing. And then because I said I didn’t need her negativity she said I was being childish and causing an argument. Hello? She’s the one that pokes at me all the time, grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Can’t wait to do my personal trainer stuff and move somewhere hot.

My training program is going really well. The diet not so good. I’m eating exactly what I should but am not seeing the results I ought to so as of today I’m cutting bread (aside from linseed wraps) and sugar to see if that makes a marked difference.

I’m seeing veeeeeery gradual changes in my legs; there is a better shape appearing to my calves and my quads and hams are sloooooooooooooooowly taking shape. However, as my thighs tighten up it makes my cottage cheese butt more evident. It’s literally that ONE area that I have cellulite and nowhere else, so ti looks like that butt does not belong on this body. I hate it!

I’m just doing 30min cardio a day, 4x a week, because I don’t want to lose muscle. I started working with the kinesis machines yesterday, which were great. I’ve decided as soon as I get paid next week I am ordering some of my old favourite and faithful friend, Hydroxycut; and some creatine to see if they make a difference to my physique.

I just found this site Nutridiary to log what I eat. It is SO much easier for me to visually interpret what I eat and where my nutrition is coming from instead of trying to work it out in my head or with a calculator.

Wow. It really sucks going back to trainng like a beginner but I know I have to take baby steps and progress gradually so I don’t overtrain and give up. Last night I crashed after my mini workout which was the best remedy for insomnia, yay! I have to make sure my muscles are not too sore atm because my job consists of heaving speaker cabs and other heavy equipment above my head and if I can’t lift my arms because I trained too hard, I’m screwed. Today, I’m going to do some lower body work - just using my own body as resistance and maybe a couple of dumbbells. I want to wake my body in anticipation for the/a gym. I hope the place is open; they had a renovation this past year to put a new Olympic training pool in and, well, that’s done, so the rest of the centre had better be open!

I really need to sort my messy place out too. It’s a matter of urgency! I moved house a few weeks ago and still haven’t unpacked things properly or found homes for the things I have unpacked. I need order in my surroundings to have order in my head. I’ll get it done!

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