Meh.
I’m finding it really hard to train at the moment due to things going on in my life and the lives of those close to me…but I still get to the gym every day without fail…it just feels sometimes like I’m going through the motions instead of getting a great workout. My younger cousin is in surgery again today and it’s looking like he may lose his leg (he’s 24). He went to his local hospital a year ago, complaining of pain and numbness in his foot and was basically told to go away and only come back if the pain got unbearable. Anyhoo, this year it became so, and living back in our hometown he went to a different hospital. The specialist told him that basically his arteries in his foot have turned to mush – where there should be a space for them between the muscles, there is none. So every time he moved about, weight trained or danced (he’s a dancer for a living) he was basically pounding the main artery into submission and there was no pulse, i.e. the blood flow was basically fooked. Docs told him his foot would have to be amputated or it would go gangrenous and this all happened in the past two weeks.
Yesterday they took him in for 8 hour surgery and grafted an artery from his thigh down the length of his leg and moved him to the ICU. He was awake last night and in a lot of pain – who wouldn’t be! – and everyone’s praying but this morning they took him back into surgery as he has a haemotoma (and there is still no pulse in the foot). Only by the grace of God will the operation work and sadly it will only be a temporary measure for a couple more years. But God is great and can work miracles. I hope this is one of those times.
So that’s on my mind a lot when I’m working out and I kinda feel vain putting so much effort in to look good when my cuz might have to get used to having a prosthesis.
And then there’s the ever-increasing FAT PERCENTAGE. I have been back at the gym for the past 7 weeks and eating really clean, paying attention to my macros yada yada and my % is higher than it ever was when I was a laissez faire girlie, just going about my regular daily routine, blessed with an athletic physique. The second I try to improve on what nature gave me (because nature was beginning to taketh away!) my body goes into a big fit and starts piling on the pounds of cellulite all over my butt and thighs). I can see definition under the blubber and my upper body is coming along a treat but this has me confounded, I tell ya. I’ve started adding ON Gold Standard whey and my Hydroxycut should arrive this coming week. I’m also thinking I need to be taking some creatine and BCAAs…oh and a glutamine supp would probably be a good idea…anyhoo, back on track – IT IS SO FOOKING ANNOYING to work my ass off at the gym and it only gets progressively worse. I cannot understand it at all. And the gym staff are no help at all – it’s a ‘family lifestyle centre ‘ (their words, not mine) and they don’t have enough knowledge about nutrition or training outside of regular maintenance to be able to help. All I can do is just plod along and hope for the best. But it’s annoying that the one thing that usually helps me take my mind off stuff - exercise - isn’t working, both physically and mentally, right now.
And then there’s fella, who’s just a pain in the ass and has so much baggage I think “Is it really worth continuing this ‘relationship’ any longer?” At the end of the day, he brought it all on himself and as I try to weigh it up, I don’t see the benefits of me dealing with all his shit. He made his choice in the past (and it wasn’t me) and got himself into a messy situation and I always have this niggling little thought in my mind – “Oh, you want me NOW!!!! If you had wanted me back then, none of this would have happened!” He got a psycho hose beast gf pregnant who is now using the baby and her other kids to multiple fathers) as (a) pawn(s) in order to mess him around and I don’t think he’s into me enough - though he says he is - for me to bother dealing with it all. I deserve more and would rather be single than be someone’s consolation prize. I am an Amazon! I am a Jewel!
