The Reflection
I decided to write this blog today from my experience today. I woke up and weighed myself…my scale kept reading error and giving me crazy numbers. I gave up trying, no biggie. I am 2.5 weeks away from competition and I really want to make sure I come in at a weight where I am not too striated in my efforts to lose the leg/butt fat while working closely with Layne. Anyways, I worked out and took my shower. I always do the old body check when I get out. I look in the mirror and over analyze myself of course. I have a bad habit of doing that with too many things. So I look at my legs, flex and see hardly any separation. Then I turn around and sigh because my butt looks like a*s. This is exactly what I don’t want to do to myself right now especially. I have always struggled with crappy self esteem going way back to high school. Being the chick with huge legs and butt doesn’t warrant to be in the "in crowd", if you get my drift. Or having your friend ask a guy for you if he’s interested and she comes back saying…"he thinks you are pretty but you have big legs". True story. So that stuck with me for a long time and I tend to isolate myself when I am down. Having good self esteem is something that I believe helps keep motivation levels up as you journey through fitness. I also think not liking my reflection from being out of shape had something to do with my drinking problem later on. Yup, I drank alone , no bars. The good news is I am 2 months away from 2 years of sobriety.
This site has helped me in so many ways become healthier on the outside and more importantly on the inside. I finally feel like I belong and don’t need to compare myself to others (which is SO not good to do). My self esteem is finally up and stable. So when I started thinking after the mirror look, I immediately thought about where I started and where I am at. It doesn’t matter where I am at with being fit. What matters is that I try as hard as I can everyday. Yes, it sucks to bust your a*s and not go to lunch with the ladies. But it’s my choice for more reasons then looking good. It’s the challenge of finding balance within myself to love myself for who I am today and commend my own efforts. I never want to swing the other way either. There is nothing worse than getting so hung up on yourself ,that you think you are a legend in your own mind. That is when your eyes come off the ball and you may not even realize your efforts are not what they used to be. This is granny talking…I have seen it all.
When you look in the mirror, just know you are trying to better yourself! Keep going like me and take it one day at a time. There are good days and bad days of course. But I cannot let myself go backwards with my self progress. I truly love this place. So many people here have reached out to me. Thankyou from the bottom of my heart…you all know who you are. I think I have come a long way and I like me!
I will leave you with this thought…it is from the Alcoholics Anonymous twelve step book. I think I am finally in step twelve. It’s about having a "spiritual awakening" and the "joy of living"…meaning "giving that has no reward, love that has no price tag." The value of "personal importantance" is lifted.
I am one blessed person.
October 7, 2009 at 2:00 pm
Love it!!! The twelve steps can get us through so many challenges in life, leading to such peace. Best wishes to you.
October 7, 2009 at 2:03 pm
From looking at some of your pictures I am sure you’ll look great. Your back definition is awsome and in the pictures where I can see your legs you have great seperation between your hamstings, quads, and glutes. The detail you have in your hamstrings is very impressive.
October 7, 2009 at 2:04 pm
Amazing. guys go through this same kind of thing too… are we ever good enough?? i would bet plenty of men are kicking themselves for being BLIND when looking at you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
October 7, 2009 at 2:05 pm
congratulations on your sobriety. You have amazing perspective. Good luck with the next 2 1/2 weeks.
October 7, 2009 at 2:06 pm
That is one wonderful blog. There are so many people on here that have such issues ,They can never come to terms with who they see in the mirror. Can never discover thier worth. Your physical accomplishments are extrordinary but your spiritual acomplishments far outshadow them! God Bless. Enjoy The life he’s given you!
October 7, 2009 at 2:07 pm
great job on your sobriety. Sounds like you have come a long way in so many ways.
October 7, 2009 at 2:09 pm
congratulations! I hope to do the same! 3 weeks and counting.
October 7, 2009 at 2:12 pm
You already seem to have it together. You will do great in your upcoming comp. You are looking great and are one of the most respected people on this site. Hold your head high and knock ‘em dead at the comp.
October 7, 2009 at 7:57 pm
Wow, I loved reading this Amy!
October 7, 2009 at 8:08 pm
This is so real. I truly understand where you are coming from.
October 9, 2009 at 9:06 am
I am so proud of you for overcoming all that you have been through. I am a daughter of an alcoholic and I have seen what it does to him. I rarely drink myself but when I got back from Iraq last year and went through a bad breakup I turned to alcohol myself. I realized one day that I had to stop doing this because it could become a serious problem. I decided to do a competition to give me something to work towards. Since then I have continued to keep up with the lifestyle and I love the new me and the way that I feel. people like you motivate me.
October 9, 2009 at 10:05 am
I stopped by to see what was knew with Miss Amy.I am so moved by these words. Thank you for sharing.I often feel the same .I have finally reached the point of realizing i need to be proud of all my goals reached and the ones I will reach in the future. Best of luck to you with all your future endeavors.
October 9, 2009 at 1:18 pm
Thankyou…each and every member who took the time to read my blog. I think it is so important to open up about your feelings and work on the inner self, as much as the outer parts!!
October 10, 2009 at 11:15 pm
I loved this post and I can totally relate to the beginning portion about being the girl with the big butt and thighs. The sad part is that I am still that girl struggling. You’ve come so far and look absolutely beautiful. It’s hard to believe that you didn’t always look like this. Don’t quit. Celebrate how far you’ve come!!!
October 13, 2009 at 10:57 am
Look at how many people YOU’VE touched and inspired. That’s why we’re here. YOU’RE why we’re here. That’s the stuff that keeps us moving forward when the rest of the world is not only standing still, but sitting still, on the couch, with a donut! You are the BEST, Amy!
October 16, 2009 at 8:53 pm
oh amy, i was sitting here thinking, "i miss hearing from her, i wonder how she is…" so i checked ya out and saw this blog… wow. when i was nine my dance teacher said i was big boned. i was 14 when it finally was the driving force between what lead me to be anorexic. believe me… i feel the pain of overanalyzing that damn mirror… and the way that stuff never leaves you. but look at you now!!!! and congrats on the aa. i was a drink alone kind of girl as well. i remember when i moved in with my hubby laying in bed thinking i couldn’t sleep and needed to go to the bar but that i was afraid he’d realize that i was an alky. he got me to cut back, but brady is what put an end to that chapter for me.
i agree with an earlier statement: it’s hard to believe you didn’t always look like this. you are a major motivator to so many people. when i meet someone who doesn’t think they can do it because of where they are, i always recommend they come check you out because it’s so inspiring to know that you can take control and achieve so much. know that there are so many people you don’t even know drawing inspiration from you! we love you amy!
October 16, 2009 at 9:34 pm
Reading your post was a real awakening. It is food for thoughts. Lately I have decided to "take one day at a time" just as you said, and not to overscrutinize and overcritizise myself.
It’s great to read it from such an amazing person as you! Thank you!
October 16, 2009 at 11:06 pm
You are my motivation!! Thank you for your blog!! Helped me in more ways than you know!! I know you wrote it for you, but it helped me too. I compete for the 1st time in 3 weeks and am scared to death, but I know that it will be a learning experience the first time. I know I won’t look anywhere near as good as the others that have done it for a while, but I gotta start somewhere!!
Derek "The Beast" has helped me for 12 weeks, but I don’t get a chance to blog or post forums….I barely have time to get on the computer, but I am still going through with it!! Any advise??? 
You are great and good luck!!!